Dear Margo | 04/23/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: Leaving Well Enough Alone

Should this young woman turn her sex fantasy into a reality? Margo Howard’s bright advice …

Leaving Well Enough Alone

I am 25 and have been in a relationship with 26-year-old "Randolph" for two years. We, of course, have had some emotional ups and downs, but overall it’s wonderful. Our sex life has also been incredible. However, about six months ago while playing fantasy games, we pretended we were in other relationships and cheating together, and this was a big turn on for me. Now, whenever we are intimate, I always have to picture him having sex with someone else in order to climax. I keep this secret from him because it is slightly worrisome to me. I often picture him with women I have small jealousies over, and this makes me climax much faster than I ever have been able to before. Should I try a threesome? (Though, the thought of him actually being with someone else does not elicit as positive a response!) Is this fantasy more normal than I think it is? —- STUCK IN THE GUTTER

DEAR STUCK: Forget the threesome, hon, and stick with the fantasies. Yours, by the way, is one of the golden oldies. The dynamic would be different with a threesome, and they can be dangerous to the health of a marriage. Not only do the participants have to be pretty jaded, but all parties have to be in favor of this. And since you’ve written to me about it, I will be the fourth, and I vote no. —- MARGO, PROTECTIVELY

How To Be a Destructive Father

DEAR MARGO: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. Seven years ago I was blessed, after many miscarriages, to have a son. My husband has three adult children from a previous marriage. The problem is, he has completely destroyed his relationship with two of his children and is on the way to obliterating his relationship with our 7-year-old. My husband believes that total humiliation is the best way to deal with children. He gets in our son’s face and screams at him about how worthless and stupid he is. I want to step in, but that causes a whole bunch of other problems. Because of his actions we have a grandchild we never get to see, which, of course, has the ex-wife gloating. I hate to see my son be humiliated on a daily basis, and trust me, nothing is ever good enough or done correctly. I don’t know what to do. —- DISTRAUGHT

DEAR DIS: I don’t know how you have tried to deal with this in the past, but you must get this angry, misguided man into therapy. Is he so thick that he makes no connection between his punishing behavior and two estranged children? To have a parent tell a young child he is worthless and stupid, in my book, is grounds for a separation unless he gets professional help — and I’m not even sure anything can change his behavior. You cannot sacrifice your son’s mental health and emotional well-being on the altar of this insecure man’s twisted ideas about child-rearing. This is just a guess, but I infer that you are under his thumb, as well, and the whole situation sounds like a hellish way to live. If he refuses therapy, then you have some serious decisions to make. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I hope you make it "either-or," with the choices being either a shrink or a lawyer. Good luck. —- MARGO, UNWAVERINGLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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172 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

After I wrote this last post, I got the news that Bea Arthur has died.

For me, she was the embodiment of EMPOWERMENT. You will be missed, Maude/Dorothy/BEA! You don’t maybe know how much you did for us.. if not for you, and you bringing Women’s Rights to a forefront in television and thus to millions of viewers who thought that Women’s Rights meant burning your bra and not fighting for our rights, I don’t think I’d be writing on this website right now. Rest in peace, sweet princess of freedom. n

By nanchan u on 04/25/2009 2:57 pm

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You’re absolutely right about Bea Arthur. I loved Maude and Dorothy, too! What a great lady! Someone reminded me that she was also "Mame" on Broadway. I never got to see her in that, but I would have loved to. I miss her and they’re doing tributes to her on TV Land. What a WOW woman if ever there was one! I also wish the same as you, Nan, that she may rest in peace now.

By M J on 04/26/2009 6:43 am

It was a sad day: I loved Bea Arthur so much it felt like losing a big sister.

Your post though reminded me of the Mame deal: I kept wracking my brain thinking, I saw her in that! And I did.. you probably have too. She played Vera in the Lucille Ball movie version of the play (not nearly as good as the Rosalind Russell version) and was brilliant, if a little off base! Here’s the cnn obit…

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/TV/04/25/bea.arthur.obit/index.html

I tried to find somewhere to post best wishes for her family, to tell them how much that Bea meant to us, but at the point nothing is glaringly obvious on a google seach, so we’ll just wait and see. thanks, mj :) hope you had a good Sunday!

By nanchan u on 04/26/2009 9:31 am

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Thanks for the CNN post. It’s hard to know she’s not on "our plane" anymore, but I do hope the next plane is a higher, better one. So many good people leaving and that generation did such great things for all of us. You too, good Sunday.

By M J on 04/26/2009 9:58 am

amen!

By Nancy Pea on 04/25/2009 9:40 pm

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We should have a Bea article up soon to post thoughts.

By Community Manager on 04/26/2009 9:50 am

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I really don’t understand your post. In one sentence you say "the woman sounds like the epitome of a battered woman". And in the next you call her a "stupid bitch". Why in the world would you resort to calling this woman such a thing? It’s understandable to get frustrated when we see someone not take the logical action but this does not make her stupid or a bitch. If you have a daughter or best girlfriend I hope they don’t turn to you for guidance, as you seem to have zero compassion or empathy. Would you actually call your daughter this if she were going through this? It seems from your post that your name-calling is on the same level as the husband of this woman. Doesn’t this amount to the same humiliation? I’m sure the LW appreciates your kind words & support.

By Terri D on 04/26/2009 8:45 am

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What a terrible thing to say. A reason for the miscarriages? Have you ever lost a child before you even got to hold it? There’s never a reason for that. I wouldn’t wish that pain on someone I HATE.

By Melissa Nunez on 04/26/2009 9:54 pm

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#1…Pretend all you want honey but three’s a crowd. Too many emotions can crowd the boat.

#2…Go pack some items, take the best car you own, draw out all the money in the bank account, go to a friend’s or mother’s or anywhere. Find a lawyer who will accept payments or willing to include that the ex has to pay the fees, don’t worry….you’ll get the house if you want it….and everything else too. When the judge hears about this father’s antics, he/she will throw the book at him.

By Rainbow Power on 04/24/2009 6:15 am

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Hey Rainbow! Thanks for giving LW2 sound advice without harsh commentary. She needs THAT to help her save her son and herself. Great reply!

By Oh! My Favorite on 04/24/2009 1:57 pm

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Thanks OH!….I’ve had experience with a jerk …. they say you learn by experience!

By Rainbow Power on 04/24/2009 2:45 pm

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I grew up with a father like that. Nothing was ever good enough, any mistake was followed up with "you’re sloppy, careless, and lazy." Or I heard "you’re too stupid" to do that. For many years, I simply felt my father hated me. One day, because a iron skillet I had washed had a bit of grease still on it, he took it and smacked my backside with it. I told my high-school counselor about it, and CPS came out and that stopped, but the anger, oh the anger, and my mom as well. It was bad when they tag teamed against me to yell and scream about not winning a competition, "If you worked harder, you would have won." Or being slapped across the face for a "C". I turn 30 this year, and I still feel just as worthless as I was made to feel back then. This poor boy is 7, and the damage is already there, these scars will last a lifetime, if this keeps up to when he is a teenager, he will either kill himself or get into crime like my brother.

By Emily Hadfield on 04/24/2009 6:27 am

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Emily, I’m so sorry that your upbringing was less than ideal (to put it mildly). Have you ever thought of going into counseling for yourself? As you so correctly pointed out, scars such as these will last a lifetime. You seem to still be suffering from your parents’ abuse. Its not too late to get some help for yourself. Check with your local church (or whichever religious affiliation) or see what social services are available to you in your town or thru your employment. You deserve to be happy. Please keep in mind that this is a reflection of your parents, not you. My best to you….

By D L on 04/24/2009 1:00 pm

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Emily, This is exactly my point with the boy above. I married young a second time [my son’s dad and my first husband…very good guy…died young] Second husband was 25 years older, 1/2 ft taller, 100 lbs heavier than me, a CEO with all the glammy lifestyle things..and in many ways an impressive person. The FIRST time he DARED to criticize MY son….I told him that was the LAST time…and if he did it again we’d be gone. No questions. He honestly did love my son and was a good step-father in many ways. They really liked each other. But his communication style with kids was NOT OK with me.

As an adult, you can love a parent and also recognize that they are putting you down because they don’t feel good about themselves. No self-respecting, intelligent, kind, good parent is less than affirming of their child.

You are young, and need to cure yourself of this emotional damage ASAP so you don’t let it impact the rest of your life.

Destroying another person’s self-esteem is killing that person’s life and chances by degrees. But now you need to fight for YOU. Please do what you need to do to heal the wounds of a poor parent.

For starters, Google ‘Self Esteem’ and how to build it. It’s like a muscle. Really, please do it. Your too young to let others destroy your life. All best.

By Suzanne de Cornelia on 04/24/2009 1:50 pm

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BTW—When I married my second husband, my grandmother and aunt moved in my son’s and my home, and we moved to my new husbands. And there was no way to have my elders move out of our home, or change my son’s new school. So threatening [and meaning it] to leave if there was even one abusive word directed at my son…would have had me scrambling…but that is how important it is to protect your children. See the difference? You were not to blame at all. You parents had no parenting skills to put their own daughter down instead of lift her up. They were the pathetic ones. Not you.

By Suzanne de Cornelia on 04/24/2009 1:54 pm