Dear Margo | 04/23/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: Leaving Well Enough Alone

Should this young woman turn her sex fantasy into a reality? Margo Howard’s bright advice …

Leaving Well Enough Alone

I am 25 and have been in a relationship with 26-year-old "Randolph" for two years. We, of course, have had some emotional ups and downs, but overall it’s wonderful. Our sex life has also been incredible. However, about six months ago while playing fantasy games, we pretended we were in other relationships and cheating together, and this was a big turn on for me. Now, whenever we are intimate, I always have to picture him having sex with someone else in order to climax. I keep this secret from him because it is slightly worrisome to me. I often picture him with women I have small jealousies over, and this makes me climax much faster than I ever have been able to before. Should I try a threesome? (Though, the thought of him actually being with someone else does not elicit as positive a response!) Is this fantasy more normal than I think it is? —- STUCK IN THE GUTTER

DEAR STUCK: Forget the threesome, hon, and stick with the fantasies. Yours, by the way, is one of the golden oldies. The dynamic would be different with a threesome, and they can be dangerous to the health of a marriage. Not only do the participants have to be pretty jaded, but all parties have to be in favor of this. And since you’ve written to me about it, I will be the fourth, and I vote no. —- MARGO, PROTECTIVELY

How To Be a Destructive Father

DEAR MARGO: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. Seven years ago I was blessed, after many miscarriages, to have a son. My husband has three adult children from a previous marriage. The problem is, he has completely destroyed his relationship with two of his children and is on the way to obliterating his relationship with our 7-year-old. My husband believes that total humiliation is the best way to deal with children. He gets in our son’s face and screams at him about how worthless and stupid he is. I want to step in, but that causes a whole bunch of other problems. Because of his actions we have a grandchild we never get to see, which, of course, has the ex-wife gloating. I hate to see my son be humiliated on a daily basis, and trust me, nothing is ever good enough or done correctly. I don’t know what to do. —- DISTRAUGHT

DEAR DIS: I don’t know how you have tried to deal with this in the past, but you must get this angry, misguided man into therapy. Is he so thick that he makes no connection between his punishing behavior and two estranged children? To have a parent tell a young child he is worthless and stupid, in my book, is grounds for a separation unless he gets professional help — and I’m not even sure anything can change his behavior. You cannot sacrifice your son’s mental health and emotional well-being on the altar of this insecure man’s twisted ideas about child-rearing. This is just a guess, but I infer that you are under his thumb, as well, and the whole situation sounds like a hellish way to live. If he refuses therapy, then you have some serious decisions to make. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I hope you make it "either-or," with the choices being either a shrink or a lawyer. Good luck. —- MARGO, UNWAVERINGLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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172 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Part of the challenge is that the abusive husband, not willing to cede control, absolutely refuses therapy, and refuses to allow YOU to go to therapy. "The two of you will just gang up on me and make me the bad guy. I’m not signing up for that, and I’m definitely not PAYING for that." Sometimes the abuser has to lose everything before they can admit they are not right about everything.

By Anne McElvain on 04/27/2009 7:41 pm

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Sure, share those feelings with your mate. He just might like it, leading to a threesome (as you envision), he gets STD and passes it on to you, you can never have children and potentially die from the disease - all becauses you can’t shut down your neurons! Get over it ….

By zuker vati on 04/25/2009 10:16 pm

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I posted this on about Page 2, but I think it’s important enough to place here, as well. It has to do with people thinking these letters are not for real.

____________Andrea, forgive the lack of politesse, but that is just ridiculous. Trust me, to make up the these letters I would have to stay up 24 hours a day and do nothing else. No one could conjure up the things that are really going on with people. I think your lack of belief just shows that you have no idea what is possible in people’s lives. I am happy for your sheltered life.

By Margo Howard on 04/26/2009 1:00 am

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Hi Margo: I don’t think you make these letters up. I applaud you for bringing these letters in for discussion here at WOW.

This morning, I was reading your competitor (sorry! I just read a lot) on another website that you used to be on (you know hoo I’m talking about!). What struck me was that it is such a one sided debate with the other columns… if you look at some of the posts on this thread in particular, you will see what absolute good you are doing by bringing these issues up for general discussion, couched in terms of a gossip column.

Again, I don’t think you can make this up, and agree with you. Some of the posters here have no knowledge of abuse in their personal lives… and aint they LUCKY! But there are women out there who have ( eyeballing it, I’d say about 70% and over of the posters on this site related to the abuse, either from the wife’s side or as grown children survivors of mental and emotional abuse).

Don’t pay attention to the few that want to distract focus away from where it should be. This was a particularly important thread. Thanks for letting me be a part of it, a part of wow, and for helping me to have a place to voice my opinions. Your competitor doesn’t do that… and look at all the advice this woman got (hopefully she’s reading) because you opened yourself up for responses real time. You are a hero…. thanks again.

By nanchan u on 04/26/2009 11:13 am

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The comment that you make up the letters does raise an interesting point. No no, I’m not even remotely suggesting that you create fictional problems and answer them. But how do you weed out the people with too much time on their hands who do write in with fake problems? I remember seeing a letter years ago (it may have been in your mother’s column) where a man told a fantastic story involving a celebrity, then at the very end wrote "this didn’t actually happen, but it could have." The response properly chastised him for sending in fiction, but do you see a lot of letters that are too outrageous to be true?

By Jon Schweizer on 04/26/2009 4:26 pm

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Jon — I will echo my mother on this one: when you see thousands of letters and familiarize with what can happen in life, you get a feel for what is genuine and what s fake (and you don’t even need a New Haven postmark!) While some people send the same letter to different columnists, the problem can still be real. I guess the rule of thumb is if the advice columnist feels this COULD happen, it’s legit, and believe me, things I never dreamed of could happen — and have happened.

By Margo Howard on 04/26/2009 4:51 pm

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Dear Margo, first off I think the letter writer may have said that tongue-in-cheek. Secondly if the letters were fake not so many people could relate to them on such a deep level. Thirdly, you seem to be a person of great moral character with a wicked sense of humor that is far above making things up to entertain the masses. Everyone has a story, some much more dramatic than others but it’s their story for better or worse. Keep up the good work. I look forward to your columns every week. I simply adore you !!

By Dawn Smith on 04/27/2009 11:45 am

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Dawn — thanks so much for the kind words. I have a bulletin for you, however. That writer was not being tongue-in-cheek. It was her stab at an insult.

By Margo Howard on 04/27/2009 1:29 pm

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Hello Margo. It’s not just the lack of belief that, for me, shows a sheltered life. The unkind, even vicious, replies from posters has informed me that too many folks (fortunately) don’t have a clue about the truth of abuse in all its forms. I will be stealing your closing line, though, since it is snippy and snappy at the same time. I enjoy your column at least as much as I did your mother’s! Thank you for your contribution.

By Oh! My Favorite on 04/27/2009 5:36 pm

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There will be something remarkable showing up here after Mother’s Day on the subject of abuse. Stay tuned.

By Margo Howard on 04/27/2009 5:51 pm

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First off, I think this woman should get off her butt and protect her child, no matter the cost, this guy isnt worth it. he needs help, so does she, and so does that child after all that damage that has been done.

Second, Nancy Pea. I dont believe you have any room to speak on what woman should or should not have a miscarriage, no woman for what ever reason should ever have to go through something so horrible. I speak on this from personal experience, I had a miscarriage 4 years this past February, I lost my son when I was 5 months pregnant. that is about the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, no matter what someone has done in their life, they should never have to go through this sort of pain. for it never goes away, it is with you every day.

It breaks my heart that you, and I am sure more people out there thing like this. I gave birth to my son that wasnt alive, never hearing his cry, never getting to hold him, see him crawl, walk, say mama, I saw him for a few seconds, that was it. there is no closure to that. that was the hardest thing I had to do, it haunts me every day that maybe I could have done something different. I left his father, he was abusive, to this day he doesnt know that I lost his son a few weeks after he left, I prefer it that way, mainly because it is just to hard to dredge up that.

Even as I sit here typing this to all of you I sit crying, just thinking of it all. I dont regret leaving my ex to protect my son, I regret that I lost him, you never know if it is because of the stress that was placed or if it was just the way it was going to turn out. I will never know that.

so please dont say that any woman deserves miscarriages no matter what they have or havent done. please just think before you say something of that magnitude because you dont know the reasons for those things happening to that women, whether she may deserve some things or not, to lose her children through miscarriages is not one of those.

By Jacqueline Henson on 04/26/2009 2:58 am

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Hello Jacquiline Henson. I was sad to read that you miscarried your son. While I don’t know from personal experience, as a mother I can imagine your pain. You deserve praise for protecting your son even before his birth by leaving the abuse his father was putting you through!! Congratulations for valuing yourself and your son so highly! I know that the loss of your son will stay with you for your life, but please try to forgive yourself? You did what you could, when you could, how you could and not even God asks for more from us. Tonight I will say a prayer for you and your son in heaven.

By Oh! My Favorite on 04/27/2009 6:01 pm

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Hello Oh My!

Thank you for writing, that is so sweet of you to say those kind words. It gets under my skin when people say things like that, even if the person is the most horrible person on the face of the earth. It is something that does not go away, no matter the time, days, months, years. it has been 4 years for me and it is like it just happened yesterday still. I am glad that I made the decision to leave the abuse behind, even though it was hard, though I am more glad that I had my mom and dad, my sisters there for support. with out them I dont think I could have done it, though more importantly is I did it for my unborn son, he deserved it more than anything.

It is hard for me, to forgive, even though I know I did nothing wrong, I did the right things by him. I now have a 2 1/2 year old little girl, she makes everything worth it, I have a wonderful husband, it still makes me wonder though if there would have been something I could have done different, tried just a little bit harder. I think what makes this situation so hard is that there wasnt much closure for me, I dont have a place for my son, I was caught up in the pain, to think about what would happen to him after he was gone, it seems like he is just a distant memory, that there is nothing left but a few ultrasound pictures, some clothes, the memories I have of him when I carried him. for him, is why I try to make my life better to make sure that his memory wasnt in vain.

you would make a wonderful friend, I wish I had more like you, who could say those things even though they dont understand what it is like to go through it. the ones who understand it the most are my mom friends who have lost their kids in one way or another. so thank you for reaching out :) I was surprised that you could read from just those few lines the loss, the pain, the way I dont feel I can fully forgive myself.

Thank you for the prayer for myself and my son in heaven.

By Jacqueline Henson on 04/27/2009 6:50 pm

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let me fix that, I meant that part about miscarriages to go out to Gail Frank, not Nancy Pea. sorry for the mix up.

By Jacqueline Henson on 04/26/2009 3:03 am

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If anyone ever saw this man talk to his child the way she described and they lived in New Jersey— Someone (especially me) would call DYFS and the child would be removed from the home. She had better be careful because this is clearly child abuse. Worse than hitting this kid is destroying his self-image. It might already be too late to erase the damage that has been done to his child. The mother should be ashamed of herself for not leaving this jerk of a husband.

By LINDA FINKRAL on 04/26/2009 6:22 am