Dear Margo | 11/13/2009 5:30 am
Dear Margo: Beyond Tasteless, Not to Mention Tacky
Beyond Tasteless, Not To Mention Tacky
Dear Margo: Can you give me some guidance regarding how to respond to a strange request? A friend we see occasionally got engaged six months ago. He’s quite the social butterfly and has a ton of acquaintances. A couple of months ago, his fiancee sent an e-mail to 20 friends and acquaintances soliciting money for a surprise 50th birthday party she’s planning to throw him! I casually ignored the request, assuming she would see the error in her ways. Well, she didn’t, because she just sent out another request today that reads as follows:
"OK, guys, it’s about that time to start gearing up for the Surprise 50th Birthday Party and ROAST. I really appreciate you guys wanting to help host this ‘Party of the Year.’ The budget comes out to be a contribution of $300 each. (It would have been more if we hadn’t changed the event to a BYOB.) Please let me know when I can expect your contribution; the sooner the better so I can place deposits with the vendors."
Margo, she is incorrectly assuming that everyone wants to help host. Can you tell me how to respond to someone who has no manners, not to mention a clue? — Running from the Party
Dear Run: My dear, this girl has more brass than a doorknob factory. I would simply reply to the request for funds by saying, in writing, that regretfully, you will be out of town (or have a previous engagement). I have never heard of anything like this, and I am curious to know how the birthday boy would feel if he knew what his idiot fiancee was trying to do to his friends. — Margo, speechlessly
Life Is Choices
Dear Margo: It’s getting closer to the time when my SO and I planned to marry. (We are waiting for both his kids to be 21.) We’ve been in a satisfying relationship for 11 years. I know I love him and that he’s devoted to me. Our relationship is warm and easy, with lots of shared fun and friends. Here’s the "but." I find him emotionally and intellectually weak, and I worry that I’ll begin to resent him or lose respect for him.
When problems arise (even minor ones), he seems incapable of resolving them by thinking them through. He becomes an emotional wreck who’s impatient with the process of decision making, which not only doesn’t deal with the issue but puts pressure on our relationship. I’m aware that the reason I’m so comfortable with him is because I have little tolerance for people who need to be "in charge" (long story, different letter!) and insist on being right. So do I accept his inability to deal with conflict as being the flip side of a man who doesn’t seek control? We’re both middle-aged, and life is bound to throw us some nasty curves in the future. I want to be able to lean on him once in a while. — Looking Forward and Worrying
Dear Look: I would think that 11 happy years would be a good indicator of things to come. If you knew the numbers of women who tear their hair out because their guys always need to be right, you would give him a big kiss on the top of his head. You really can’t have it both ways: a guy who doesn’t need to be in charge but is somewhat indifferent to making decisions. I would settle this issue in your thinking before you marry, and I would dismiss any thoughts of changing him. (That ain’t gonna happen, because women aren’t reform schools.) As for the future and potential potholes later in life, he may come through if he has to — and he may not. If you decide to marry, choose someone (your kids? his kids?) to be your advocate. — Margo, pragmatically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
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99 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
LW #1 & Margo, There is no reason to lie about the reason she is not attending. She should tackle the issue head on in a polite, but frank way. I would hand write a note to her thanking her for the invitation, but that regretfully $300 is beyond your budget in these economic times and add (this is key!) "I’m sure you understand." Wish them a wonderful celebration and send him a lovely bottle of wine with a nice card.
LW #2 You have 11 years invested in a relationship that you admit has been happy, yet the issues that bother you are significant. The issues of control are yours, while the indeciveness ones are his. Indecisveness can also be a sign of passive agression, you know. I would schedule a few sessions with a counselor to address whatever issues about control you brought to the relationship and then ask him to join you about the indecisiveness and see about a meeting of the minds. The lack of decisiveness does not mean he doesn’t care about control. One could argue he exerts control by refusing to make decisions!
Margo’s advice to enlist your or his children is improper. This is a couples’ relationship issue. Either deal with it as a couple or know that you are with someone you can’t lean on. As you describe yourself as middle aged, surely you have the wisdom to know not to settle. That voice you hear is trying to tell you something girlfriend, and you would be wise to head it.
Best of luck!!
Good points & that is how I read it as well.
To clarify, Living wills are only valid if one is deemed to be terminally ill. So if you are unable to make decisions for yourself (stroke, head injury, dementia/Alzheimers, or some other numerous illness that requires one to be on a ventilator & heavily sedated), the living will is invalid as one is not "terminal". A medical power of attorney is crucial. It is also wise to elect someone & a backup. That person should be one who agrees to comply with your wishes & even more so is in agreement. Physicians will not go against loved one’s wishes if it doesn’t jive with your own. You can’t sue, but they can…
I understand. I love that one can edit on Facebook (after posted) . Wish it were the same here.
Just trying to educate as most people don’t understand the terminal part. There was a big movement to get everyone to have one many years ago, but the terminal part wasn’t emphasized. It makes the living will not a very useful document. A Power of attorney (medical) is so much better-it is valid whenever the patient isn’t able to make decisions.
To clarify what some people have already said- people should have a Revocable Power of Attorney for Healthcare and a living will. A living will simply is a document that allows you to say whether or not you want your life prolonged through artificial or extreme methods. It doesn’t allow other medical decisions to be made on your behalf, so that’s why it’s always best to have both.
In this case, I am pretty certain that this man’s indecisiveness is not due to being passive-aggressive. LW#2 seems to indicate that the man has trouble in his own life that he can’t make decisions about, not just in their relationship. My father is like that. Whether it’s buying a house, renting a room, selecting a vacation spot, he just overthinks and wants to consider every single possible outcome and it freezes him. He does this most often in situations only impacting his own life. In decisions that concern the rest of the family, he defers to us. So, he’s definitely not being passive-aggressive.
Anyhow, the biggest issue here isn’t the indecisiveness, I think the biggest issue here is how much support does LW#2 expect from her future husband and if that level of support is going to be different than during the 11 years they’ve already spent together. If she is OK with the level of support as it is, then the marriage will work. However, if she feels that when he’s the husband and not just a boyfriend, he has to provide more emotional and financial support, then she either needs to adjust her expectations or not marry him.
Some, typically younger, less mature women (not necessary LW#2) feel that when a man becomes the husband, he needs to be the "Man of the House" and take care of the woman in every way. If that is the case for LW#2, then this is NOT the man for her.
Ltr 1.
Frankly I would not only be unavailable for this party, but I would write back a note stating that it is a mistake to assume someone wants to contribute to an event, without asking them first, and without their having any imput into the planning of the event- that if she had wanted to share the costs of this event, she would have had to invite me to share in the planning and decisions as well.
Clearly this woman wants to be in complete control of the party planning, and is only willing to share the bills.