Dear Margo | 10/08/2009 12:00 am

Dear Margo: A Troubled Person Must Want to 'Fix' Himself

A Troubled Person Must Want To "Fix" Himself

Dear Margo: I am a 28-year-old woman with a conundrum. I am married to a man I love very much, who says he loves me. However, things are unraveling fast for us. Before we got married, we spoke of all the things we would like to do together — travel, buy a house, make a life for ourselves. Yet, not long after we officially tied the knot, he lost interest in doing any of those things.

Our fifth anniversary is quickly approaching, and he refuses to put a dollar away for a down payment on a house or to plan a trip. When I ask him why, he has no good answers. Even worse, he has lost interest in many of the things he used to love. He won’t go anywhere with me, he won’t make plans, he doesn’t go out with friends, he refuses to spend time with either of our families, and he doesn’t even buy me birthday presents anymore. Everything in our lives revolves around him and what he wants, which is just to sit around the house unbothered by anyone’s expectations.

I suspect he is depressed, but he refuses to see a counselor or doctor to deal with it. I just want him to be happy again, but I feel my life is deteriorating because I am trying to put his back together. I feel very unloved at the moment because all of the care and support in our marriage comes from me, with nothing given in return. I just want the man I fell in love with and married. It has gotten to the point where he is telling me I can do better than him. So my question is: Should I? — Confused in Kansas City

Dear Con: I agree that he is depressed, and I also think you need not stick around for this drama if he refuses to get help. I would give him a choice: either/or. If you can’t help someone (or convince him to help himself), there is no reason to ruin two lives. I share with you a saying that has served me well: All you can do is all you can do. Good luck. — Margo, forwardly

What To Do When People Put You in the Middle

Dear Margo: I work in a small office of a dozen people, most of whom are transient employees who come and go every few years. I and two other women, "Liz" and "Miranda," are the only permanent employees. Liz and Miranda have worked together for a number of years and truly detest one another. I started a few months ago and get along with both of them, though I’m not sure for how much longer. Both of them complain endlessly to me about the other, often on a daily basis. I listen sympathetically, but there’s only so much I can take. They both think I’m on their "side," but I think they both need an attitude adjustment. What can I say to them so they stop using me to vent? They are quite immature, and I’m afraid they’ll instantly resent me and make work even less pleasant. The sad thing is that I’m decades younger than these women, yet I often feel like the only adult! — Punching Bag in Canada

Dear Punch: I am especially sympathetic to workplace problems in a small office because there is really no place to hide. Too bad these babes are not among the transients, but there you are. I would recommend that the next time you are the designated Dr. Phil, just say that you feel uncomfortable and unqualified to offer advice about their particular problem. If you’re feeling really bold, you could suggest to one, or both, that perhaps relocating to another job might provide the solution. — Margo, tactically

***
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

Every Thursday and Friday, you can find "Dear Margo" and her latest words of wisdom on our home page at www.wowowow.com. Or better yet, click to sign up for an instant email alert that will send a message right to your in-box every time a new "Dear Margo" column is posted on wowOwow.

Click here for all "Dear Margo" columns.

Read more about: Dear Margo, Depression, Health, Jobs, Marriage, Relationships, Society

69 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

#1 I can feel for both of them, but I agree with you. If he will not talk or interact, he will just take them both into misery that is hard to rise above.

#2 Those two women remind me of my Jack Russells, they get mad at each other and act like thier going to rip each other apart, and the last thing you want to do is get in the middle or they will take a piece of you and continue on each other afterwards. Stand back and let them rip, without interference, they will be engaging thier own entertainment. People like that seem to thrive on discontent, and are more than willing to exhaust the energy of everyone around them in the process if given the chance. Just be grateful at the end of the day you do not have to live with either of them.

By Linda Myers on 10/08/2009 12:53 am

e-mail alert

Linda, they’re called drama vampires. If they can’t find any to feed from, they make it themselves. I have zero patience for toxic people like that. I worked with one who was too insecure to have workplace enemies, so her drama pool was her own job. Complained about every task she undertook. Sighed heavily and audibly, slammed things around in her cube so all would know she was annoyed, actually made a trail of noise everywhere she went so people would know she was doing her (ball and chain) job. When I stepped up and took over one of her drudgeries from time to time, she became territorial and stop complaining… about that one. Heaven forbid anyone find that I could do her job and mine AND quietly without complaint. I so totally understand. Letter #2 just needs to stop serving at the drama buffet.

By Karleen S on 10/08/2009 9:39 am

e-mail alert

Working in a place like that makes you wish you stayed in bed. Ten years ago, the office I was in was much like that. Then a new manager took over who from day one told everyone - if you have a complaint, bring with you the person you are complaining about when you come through my door and if you choose not to get along with others, seek other employment. Any gossip I hear, I will be questioning you and the person that is being talked about. Pretty much squelched the drama after that. We had fun after that, but in a respectful way towards each other, and a few exits were made by people who could not exist without the drama.

By Linda Myers on 10/08/2009 10:06 am

e-mail alert

25 years ago, I was that 28 year old woman with a 5-year unraveling marriage to my college boyfriend. Only - we did buy a house, and he took out his frustrations taking it apart. He never put anything back together. The best thing that happened to me was when a counselor told me "usually I think that marriages can be worked on. this one is over, and I’m going to give you the tools to survive it and make your own life". She did. Its sad, but you’re young and can move forward from here. Don’t buy the house; a vacation won’t fix it, but you need counseling and a skill set for yourself — especially if he won’t go.

By Anne Whitacre on 10/08/2009 12:54 am

e-mail alert

#1 – Leave him. Follow your dreams and build a great life for yourself. You are also young enough to find someone who will share your interests and goals (travel, house, family, etc.). You can’t fix a do-nothing husband and he’ll get worse. I know. I have been married to one for more years than I care think about (and he, like your’s, wasn’t always that way). And do not let anyone put a guilt trip on you for leaving him.

#2 – Do not suggest getting a new job. Doing so appears to place blame on the person being addressed, and you may not know all the facts. Tell each of them that you will no longer listen to their complaints about the other. Suggest to each that it would be better if they agree to disagree and keep an arms’ length from one another, and that all of you need to get back to your work.

By Catherine Arnold on 10/08/2009 3:37 am

e-mail alert

#1 i agree with margo, give him the ultimatum, either u get help, or i am leaving. nothing much u can do for a man, when he doesn’t want to "man" up and be one.

#2 i would suggest asking,"so why don’t u look for another job if u don’t like each other? its no fun going to work knowing u’ll be miserable with the other person thats there" in a nice way, tone of voice is important, and the last resort is u leaving the job.

By Maleney Thibeault on 10/08/2009 4:11 am

e-mail alert

LW #1, Margo is right. Tell your DH either/or, and then let him deal with the consequences. It isn’t worth it to sit around and do nothing, or wait another five years.

LW #2, simply let the two warring factions know you’re not their neutral ground, and they’ll have to work out their problems on their own, or you’ll be forced to go to someone higher in the company with this problem.

By Dana Pulley on 10/08/2009 4:27 am

e-mail alert

I feel bad for LW #1, but given some of the comments made, I wonder if Margo would have given the same advice had it been a man who wrote about a wife doing those things. I’m no Neanderthal, but I’ve frequently seen advice columnists tell men to stick it out, that this is a female thing and that they have to just suck it up whent their wife acts this way.

For LW#2, I’d suggest divesting yourself of those interactions this way: when either one starts venting to you about the other, ask them "And what does this have to do with what the boss has told us to do today?" If THAT doesn’t give them the hint to zip it, just flat out tell them "Unless you need to talk to me about something related to work, please do not talk to me. I keep personal issues separate from work for a reason." It sounds snobby and you may get the cold shoulder afterwards, but there is a reason why many people don’t socialize with coworkers.

By Hank Lewis on 10/08/2009 5:25 am

e-mail alert

I was thinking the same thing. Women seem to get far more sympathy and compassion when it comes to things such as depression, when men are told to "man up", and are even suspected of being con men. Let me just say, depression isn’t helped by a spouse that sits around whining about how you don’t buy them presents anymore, or why don’t we do this, etc. The thing is, you can’t "fix" depression, or just will it away. Depending on why you are depressed, it may never go away…you just learn to work with it. Maybe there’s something that HE feels isn’t getting met…the point is, instead of sitting around stewing about how SHE isn’t happy, and HER needs aren’t getting met, maybe she needs to take an honest look at their relationship. I agree that she needs to put her foot down, but she should’ve done that awhile ago.

By Elizabeth Newman on 10/08/2009 8:20 am

e-mail alert

I agree that some advice columnists give different answers to different sexes about these issues, but I’d like to point out that Margo has given the same advice to a man in a similar situation (try to fix it, but if your significant other refuses to do anything, take your sanity and leave).

By Carrie Auger on 10/08/2009 10:21 am

e-mail alert

I’m personally a big fan of dissolving such a "marriage" when either partner is not holding up his or her end of the bargain—-especially, especially if there are no kids yet. I say run, before someone gets pregnant. I do not support a double-standard. If a person literally changed after marriage, get gone while the getting is good.

It is one thing if you went into a marriage with your eyes open, assuming the person would change—shame on him or her for fooling you. It is a different thing however, if the person reneged on the very foundations of the relationship. That is a moral and ethical and spiritual breach of contract essentially.

As a woman, I don’t like double-standards, even if they benefit my gender. Equal suits me just fine.

By A R on 10/10/2009 6:49 pm

e-mail alert

LW# Agree that it’s either /or. He sounds like a con man - he agreed with everything she wanted until they were married, and then flew his true colors.

LW#2 I have been in the same position. My reply was, and is, the same: "what do you want me to do about it?"

By Shera Sutherland on 10/08/2009 5:51 am

e-mail alert

LW#1_ If I didn’t know better, I would have sworn I wrote this letter! My advice, "Get out, get out run!" I have been in this situation for 10 years! It is a nightmare. You will get sucked into this "aura" that he has created. Your life will be miserable. The problem with mine is…well, he has an excuse for everything to keep him from actually living life. He is the most laziest person I know. Your boyfriend my dear, he was only telling you what you want to hear. I just hope that if you decide to rid him, you have it much easier than I. Mine refuses to leave.

By Tracey LA on 10/08/2009 6:29 am