Dear Margo | 07/09/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: A Bit of a Chip on a Sib's Shoulder

A woman feels her sister is jealous of the life she leads … Margo Howard’s bright advice

A Bit of a Chip on a Sib’s Shoulder

Dear Margo: I’m 20 years old, pre-med, in my third year at university, maintaining a 3.6 GPA, and working two part-time jobs. I visit my family once a week (it’s a two-hour drive back home). I’m loving life. My sister, however, is 21, married with a 2-year-old and three months pregnant with her second child. She is always putting me down about my "party" lifestyle and choices in men, telling me I need to grow up. It really hurts my feelings that she can’t be happy for me. To be fair, I do go out drinking once or twice a week, I smoke pot occasionally, and I don’t have a steady boyfriend. I’ve had offers; I’m just not ready to settle down and be serious. How should I handle this? I love her and my niece very much, but it’s not my fault she got knocked up and had to drop out of college. Sometimes I feel that she’s just jealous because of how different our lives are. To that point, I just landed an internship in France for the fall. It’s always been my dream to go and I’ve worked very hard to get to this point, but I am dreading telling her my plans because of the sour notes I know she’s going to sing. How shall I deal with my older sibling? — Torn in Tennessee

Dear Torn: I would deal with her in as low-key a manner as possible. Be casual about France, and try to steer the conversation to her and her family. It seems quite clear that there is a competitive aspect between you, which is not abnormal. When it’s feasible, try to frame things so that you are two girls who made different choices: she for home and hearth, and you to pursue medicine. Let us hope she hasn’t picked up on your view that "she got knocked up and had to drop out of college." If you can appreciate and compliment what you see of her life, I think a decent relationship is possible. It may be a bit of a charade, but time will likely help smooth things over. — Margo, temporally

On the Subject of Geezer Dads

Dear Margo: I am 29. My love is 55. We were friends first, and then it turned into a real relationship. When we met, it was supposed to be "Friends with Benefits," but as the years went by we developed feelings for each other, which led to a relationship. I have a 5-year-old and he has a 16-year-old. I’ve said that maybe I want more children, and he has said he’s open to it. But with our huge age difference, I am questioning it. What are your thoughts? — Non-Cougar in Calif.

Dear Non: Well, this is a "Fiddler on the Roof" question: On the one hand … but on the other hand. The plus side is that older fathers often have more time to spend with young children because their careers are established and this "second chance" elicits a different kind of fatherly attention than their first go-round. Also, middle-aged men marrying younger wives know that children may be part of the deal. The minus side was best expressed by a young woman of my acquaintance who was 13 when her 80-year-old father died. She told me she fervently believed there should be laws against geezers having children. She was angry with both her parents for setting her up for this predictable loss. Then, too, in playground and school situations, the father is frequently mistaken for the grandfather. In the end, each couple needs to talk it through and do what they think is right for them. — Margo, contemplatively
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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127 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

LW2: There is a huge difference between a 55 year old having a child & a 67 year old like your friend’s daughter. Many 50+ are adopting these days. If a 55 year old lives to 85 his offspring will be 30. My great great grandfather married an 18 year old, the county fair queen, when he was 56 (his first marriage). They died within 6 months of each other (tuberculosis) leaving their tweens orphans. Ya just never know…

By Lym BO on 07/09/2009 11:45 pm

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LW1: Margo - What absolute crap advice. Why in the world should the letter writer diminish her options and/or successes because her sister made choices that defined her options? It just is NOT that hard to avoid pregnancy before you’re ready. Further, getting pregnant at 18/19 is not a life goal. That is certainly not to say that she’s may not be a great mother and it might have been the right choices for her but why in the world should the college student downplay herself to make her sister feel better about her life???? C-R-A-P.

By Montana Mama on 07/10/2009 12:03 am

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I don’t know, maybe because she loves her sister?

By R.J.B. Reed on 07/10/2009 8:51 am

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I don’t that is exactly what she was saying; I think she was encouraging the LW to not be so…forceful, perhaps, in her opinions? I have a brother much like the letter writer, and while I love him dearly, and am very proud of his accomplishments, sometimes I have no interest in hearing how great life is for him, how footloose and fancy free he is, how TIRED he is after spending all night partying with his friends…when I was up all night with a sick kid, a toddler with insomnia, trying to make 3 dozen cookies for a bake sale I had volunteered for and then forgotten about. I am often accused of being "jealous" of him and life…as apparently mine is SO awful looking, of COURSE I couldn’t just be tired, or stressed…I’m jealous.

THAT is the attitude I got from the letter writer. I think some of the hostility she is getting from her sister may be a reaction to the attitude. Do I sometimes look back and wish I had done things differently? Sure! But that doesn’t mean I spend my days seething with jealousy over my brother and what he does. I’m willing to bet the LW sister doesn’t either. She’s probably just freakin tired of hearing about how great her sister’s life is, and how apparently awful hers is.

By Elizabeth Newman on 07/10/2009 10:08 am

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Montana Mama

I agree one hundred percent with you!

By L. C. on 07/10/2009 7:31 pm

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Monana Mama,

Agreed. why anyone at age 20 would even have marriage on the brain absolutely bewilders me.

Furthermore, going home once every week [2 hours drive each way] - how on earth does she have time to do this? When I was in college there was never enough time to do everything.

I think the move to France is best for all concerned.

[Here we go with the "knocked up" term again. Bad.]

By Andrea Brandon on 07/11/2009 10:26 am

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#1.

The sister has a toddler, and is pregnant. Exhaustion? Hormones? Cut her a very large break! It’s really, really hard work to be alive, and to keep going during those times. The writer is in medical school, and should have read somewhere that being pregnant is the energy equivalent of climbing a mountain.

So, you’re climbing a mountain while chasing after someone who is small, far more energetic, and can think of 10 novel ways to kill him/herself per day. (At least my kids did. And the house was professionally baby-proofed!)

Pregnant sister may very well be jealous! Full night’s sleep! A body one can call one’s own. The ability to lie on one’s stomach to sleep…. or on one’s back! The ability to shower, or go to the bathroom without interruption! Ah, heaven.

My guess is that if pre-med sister would take some time to talk to her sister about her sister’s concerns, and maybe lend the occasional hand, things might go better between them.

I was lucky. While the husband was only occasionally useful while the kids were small, we could afford house cleaning (cheaper than daycare) while I took care of the kids while working. (I spent many nights working until 11 p.m.) I also made lots of money, so had an interest outside of child-rearing- which is severely discounted in America. Child-rearing, in my opinion, is key to raising intelligent, caring, aware adults. So why is raising children not valued as a contributing part of society? The work helped me feel good about myself, since I sure wasn’t getting strokes anywhere else.

Med school sister does not seem to value her sister’s choices. Med school woman might try validating them.

#2.

Love is good wherever you find it. There are some practical aspects which can be taken care of with insurance. Take care of them.

By Constance Plank on 07/10/2009 12:14 am

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Good post Constance…

Although hard fought for…this attitude that woman can "do" anything…often translates into, "anything but be mother and wife".

So sad that so many woman have been enticed to turn their backs on the valiant and necessary role of women as mothers, that they feel vindicated for minimalizing motherhood and as you so very well put it…"raising intelligent, caring, aware adults."

Progress is not measured by eradicating the past.

By Kelly In Texas on 07/10/2009 12:30 pm

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LW1 - Sound advice. Sure it doesn’t allow Med school sister to be as in your face happy as she’d no doubt like, but it preserves the relationship she wants - that’s the point. But I’ve been in this position myself, and there’s a lot of resentment when you feel your accomplishments have to be overlooked for the sake of someone else. It hardly matters what *they’re* accomplishments are - and raising a family these days (or in any time) *is* an accomplishment. Bottom line they both have the right to crow - they simply have to realize it. With a little bit of flexibility from the sister who wrote, they can both get there.

LW2 - I’ve had several friends with elderly parents. None of them liked it. One was taking on caretaker rolls before she ever got out of high school. Another lost his mother in his teens, and half his siblings were married and out of the house with kids of their own when he came along. His father slipped into alcoholism and depression in his later years - when my friend was about 17. He was ‘stuck’ at home in that mess and had to forego school to take care of his father because no one else in the family ‘had the time’ and well, he was there. None of them were able to play with their parents - too frail, too far separated by life. None of them were understood by parents who’d lived in a far different generation, and none of them really had friends over. It was a miserable existance for them even though they did love their parents - what little they were able to know of them before illness/death came far too soon. The letter writer should treasure the children already there, not bring another into the scene at such advancing age.

By Kathy W on 07/10/2009 12:49 am

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My folks had 8 kids over a 22 year span with the last being born when they were 48. I took baby sister up to kindergarten on her first few days as mom was burnt out on these events after all these years. Baby sister grew up to resent having old parents and at age 40 still resents it. She was sort of like an only child in that the others were 7+ years ahead of her and and to add to the solo experience, she did not like being stuck with old geezers and all their AARP issues throughout her child/teen years. Mom is still alive at 89 but it still was an experience for sister of old geezers and she felt it immensely. All her life…old people for parents and thne they die. I think the two lovebirds in the letter are just experiencing the honeymoon/hormone intoxication which makes nesting with a new egg in the nest appealing but they might want to wait til the love-drunkenness wears off in a matter of months, and they can see more soberly how they feel about poopy diapers and no sleep, and endless continuing child-rearing.

By Rosemary Celeste on 07/10/2009 3:25 am

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My mom’s parents had six children in the space of six years, and then 12 years later they had my aunt. My aunt had no problems with the age of her parents. My grandparents were awesome with children (including their own) and she had other advantages that her siblings didn’t have. (My grandparents were able to spend a lot more individual time on her, and they had more money….) Having a young parent is no guarentee they will be able to do a good job or that they won’t suffer medical problems. Certainly the probability is higher with an older parent, but it’s not something that one should just throw out.

By R.J.B. Reed on 07/10/2009 9:00 am

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Rosemary, She states they have known each other for years. I got the impression they have been romantic for awhile. Maybe not. My grandmother was 46 when she had my half uncle (surprise! I think) . Her hub would’ve been about 35. I don’t think he ever viewed them as "old" or "geezers". However, they did let him party & have his way. It is quite interesting to see how he was raised vs his half sibs from both sides who all turned out quite successful. He not so much. After years of partying the night away, with numerous women, got himself murdered by a "friend"…. Some parents don’t get better with age or the second go around…. Nicest guy you’d ever meet. Could’ve done so much more with life if given better guidance.

By Lym BO on 07/10/2009 1:53 pm

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I like what you said about a "new egg in the nest" being appealing. Perhaps the love birds could focus on the children the already ARE raising and get a dog. When my husband and I were first married, our little dog was like our child, and we enjoyed the ‘fun’ of parenting without some of the more serious responsibilities that comes with raising a human.

By Jessica Arroyo Johns on 07/10/2009 2:33 pm

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I have known people with old parents and people raised by their grandparents. None of them has ever told me that if they had to be raised by old people, they would rather not have been born. No one’s life is perfect, but being born to two loving, financially established parents is not a bad start.

By Margaret G on 07/10/2009 3:29 am

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If LW 1 is feeling jealousy from her sister, there isn’t too much she can do about it. Her sister has to work through this on her own, and the sooner she starts, the better off she will be.

As for LW 2, perhaps her man could get a complete check-up, so they’ll know if it is prudent to start a family together, and he’ll need to include said offspring in a will.

By Dana Pulley on 07/10/2009 4:50 am