Dear Margo | 07/09/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: A Bit of a Chip on a Sib's Shoulder

A woman feels her sister is jealous of the life she leads … Margo Howard’s bright advice

A Bit of a Chip on a Sib’s Shoulder

Dear Margo: I’m 20 years old, pre-med, in my third year at university, maintaining a 3.6 GPA, and working two part-time jobs. I visit my family once a week (it’s a two-hour drive back home). I’m loving life. My sister, however, is 21, married with a 2-year-old and three months pregnant with her second child. She is always putting me down about my "party" lifestyle and choices in men, telling me I need to grow up. It really hurts my feelings that she can’t be happy for me. To be fair, I do go out drinking once or twice a week, I smoke pot occasionally, and I don’t have a steady boyfriend. I’ve had offers; I’m just not ready to settle down and be serious. How should I handle this? I love her and my niece very much, but it’s not my fault she got knocked up and had to drop out of college. Sometimes I feel that she’s just jealous because of how different our lives are. To that point, I just landed an internship in France for the fall. It’s always been my dream to go and I’ve worked very hard to get to this point, but I am dreading telling her my plans because of the sour notes I know she’s going to sing. How shall I deal with my older sibling? — Torn in Tennessee

Dear Torn: I would deal with her in as low-key a manner as possible. Be casual about France, and try to steer the conversation to her and her family. It seems quite clear that there is a competitive aspect between you, which is not abnormal. When it’s feasible, try to frame things so that you are two girls who made different choices: she for home and hearth, and you to pursue medicine. Let us hope she hasn’t picked up on your view that "she got knocked up and had to drop out of college." If you can appreciate and compliment what you see of her life, I think a decent relationship is possible. It may be a bit of a charade, but time will likely help smooth things over. — Margo, temporally

On the Subject of Geezer Dads

Dear Margo: I am 29. My love is 55. We were friends first, and then it turned into a real relationship. When we met, it was supposed to be "Friends with Benefits," but as the years went by we developed feelings for each other, which led to a relationship. I have a 5-year-old and he has a 16-year-old. I’ve said that maybe I want more children, and he has said he’s open to it. But with our huge age difference, I am questioning it. What are your thoughts? — Non-Cougar in Calif.

Dear Non: Well, this is a "Fiddler on the Roof" question: On the one hand … but on the other hand. The plus side is that older fathers often have more time to spend with young children because their careers are established and this "second chance" elicits a different kind of fatherly attention than their first go-round. Also, middle-aged men marrying younger wives know that children may be part of the deal. The minus side was best expressed by a young woman of my acquaintance who was 13 when her 80-year-old father died. She told me she fervently believed there should be laws against geezers having children. She was angry with both her parents for setting her up for this predictable loss. Then, too, in playground and school situations, the father is frequently mistaken for the grandfather. In the end, each couple needs to talk it through and do what they think is right for them. — Margo, contemplatively
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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127 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Letter #2: At age 21 I dated a man aged 42. It was wonderful and interesting at the time, but then I looked 20 years down the road. That’s now 23 years ago; I’m 44 and he’d be 65 already?? No thanks. Margo’s advice is spot on, particularly as having children is concerned. A mere 20 years from now your love will be 75. Think about it.

By Cindy Marek on 07/10/2009 5:55 am

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Same here. 24 & 40. I saw him recently, not so pretty at 55. He did not age well. He was doing me a favor when he told me he wouldn’t have the energy to do all the things with me I would want to do. I didn’t believe him or my parents. Lucky for me he decided (or at least claimed) he didn’t want more children & that was a deal breaker.

By Lym BO on 07/10/2009 1:59 pm

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Letter #1: Odd as this may sound, perhaps your sister is concerned about you. She is criticizing the men you’re dating? Maybe she’s afraid you’ll wind up in her shoes if you’re not careful. She also does have an entirely different world outlook now, and life’s direction: Hers is now necessarily more down to Earth than yours (sky’s the limit). Sure, there’s some jealousy there. But please try and go easy on her; be supportive, take an interest in her life. I’ve sort of "been there"; college and career while my older sister married very young with soon-thereafter pregnancy.

By Cindy Marek on 07/10/2009 6:03 am

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Hardly! Sister is envious and not concerned about potential dangers for her unmarried sister. Somehow, the 2 sisters have to be frank that they are different and have and will make different choices. So far, married sister has not been supportive or interested. I’d recommend distance and self-protection during visits; there is no way to appease an envious person.

As for being "down to earth," sorry, I can’t buy this. Independence, overseas travel, college studies keep one concentrated on being "down to earth." Married sister is bitter, not benevolent. Each to her own.

By SURA B on 07/10/2009 9:19 am

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I don’t think this is necessarily true. I don’t think she is jealous, but I also don’t think she is overly concerned either. It sounds to me more like she is off the mind that her sister is going down a path paved straight for disaster and is just plan disgusted with her sister’s lack of sense. LW#1 admits to going out and drinking once or twice a week (not month, not year, but WEEK), and to smoking pot. That is a "hearty party" lifestyle there that can very well cause her world to come crashing down. Especially if she really does want to be a med student. What will she do in her internship if she gets called in unexpectedly after a night of drinking and pot smoking and accidently hurts a patient?

The truth is though, that unless Margo, or any of us for that matter, hear things from the sister’s point of view, we will never really know if she is just jealous, concerned or acting the part of the "Holier Than Thou" older sister. After all, it is all in the eyes of perception, and everyone is capable of misperceiving another’s attitude. Even more so when they are siblings and "think" they know each other better than they actually do. I know this one from personal experience.

By Shannon T on 07/10/2009 9:50 am

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You’re right about how siblings perceive each other , as well as misperceive each other. And I have to admit that I have no siblings and have been an observer of such doings all my life, including learning much about siblings from my own 2 children.

However, college sister does not seem reckless, just taking part in some of the college social life. As for forbodings about those drinks and pot, I lived through the Nixon regime as a parent, and the survival rate of pot smokers was not a desperate issue. If there are no hard drugs involved, that is another issue. However, partying shall pass.

Sister with early baby was not careful when contraceptives were available; she now faces the conseqences of her poor decisions, and rails against her sibling who chose pursuing an education and postponing marriage and childbearing.

From what I understood, college sister’s internship is abroad. Does that indicate medicine; I thought not.

In any case envy is part of their strife; somehow, someone should tell pregnant sister to keep quiet, whatever her views are.

By SURA B on 07/10/2009 10:18 am

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True. It may not involve medicine. But she is still playing with fire if she is serious about being a med student. If it was business or law or some such, I would say go for it. Drink, get high, whatever. She’d probably out grow it by the time she graduates. But since she is pre-med, if she gets caught, it can ruin her chances of going med. At least the pot can. Maybe not so much the drinking.

Pot may not be a hard drug, but it can affect the way you think and act. Can make you slugglish and you stop caring about stuff. I had a good friend that smoked pot and saw her life degrade slowly because she had a cavelier attitude that it was all fine. She lost her husband and her job and she just worked at a tax office.

By Shannon T on 07/10/2009 1:19 pm

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alcohol does the same thing shannon - i know many more pot smokers who lead productive lives than those who drink alcohol. but, it may just be my circle of friends, who knows.

By Amanda C on 07/10/2009 4:30 pm

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boy, talk about a GEEZER.

drinking once or twice a week IN COLLEGE is NOT a very "hearty party" lifestyle. She’s in PRE-MED. that’s just plain old college. she’s not operating on anyone. there is a HUGE DISTANCE to "hurting a patient" from drinking in college.

so just calm the heck down, grandma… let the college kids do their thing, and try to hold back your "disgusted." it’s completely out of touch with reality. just go back to yelling at teenagers to get off your lawn.

By chuck alien on 07/10/2009 11:02 am

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Firstly, DUDE, I ain’t you’re grandma, nor am I a geezer. I am in my 30’s. Secondly, you don’t have to agree with what I say, but do NOT insult me. Did I insult you? No. I thank you NOT to insult me. I have been through college. I remember it very well thank you very much. Thirdly, I am giving ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW that HER SISTER might be having. That is ALL. I never said that I was right. I was ginving an OPINION. Last time I checked, this was a discussion board, not an end all be all of who is right and who is wrong. Believe it or not, there ARE some people (and I know quite a few in person) there are people who are in their 20’s, both in college and out, who think that way. And lastly, read the letter. She has an internship THIS SUMMER, in France. While she is still drinking and smoking pot. She is saying it like it is a badge of honor and she has no intention of stopping. But if she is serious about being a doctor and continues doing this during her internship, at the very worst she can hurt a patient and at the very least, she can get caught and get expelled from the intership and have trouble getting a medical degree if it gets on her permanent record. You may not mind if YOUR doctor is high or drunk when dealing with you, but I can guarantee that there are a lot of other people in the world who do.

By Shannon T on 07/10/2009 1:10 pm

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The interenship wouldn’t be in medicine. Have to go to medical school first… Unless France is lax, but I doubt it. Pre-meds have no knowledge about medicine just a good base to build upon (chemistry, biology, anatomy & physiology). Nurses have more medical knowledge at the end of year one than pre-meds do at the end of year 4 of college.

By Lym BO on 07/10/2009 3:25 pm

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Lynn BO,

" Nurses have more medical knowledge at the end of year one than pre-meds do at the end of year 4 of college". Every nurse on EARTH thanks you for that comment. Coming from a doctor that statement meant alot to me personally.

By Dawn Smith on 07/12/2009 3:56 am

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You’re welcome!

By Lym BO on 07/12/2009 2:01 pm

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1) Insult you? So "grandma" is insulting to you? that sounds like YOU have a problem, not me. MY grandma is a wonderful, wise person… but if YOU think it’s an insult, well… (ha, zing! :)

2) yup, pre-med = NO MEDICINE. the internship, in france, would not be a medical internship. in college, i knew probably 15 people in pre-med. not one went to medical school. it’s a pretty low percentage that actually makes it through, so really this is all probably moot. but still fun, right?

3) you understand that "i drink and smoke" doesn’t mean "i drink and smoke WHILE I TAKE CARE OF PATIENTS" right? even DOCTORS don’t work 24 hours a day (much less college students) … so drawing that line is downright hysterical panic. i’d hate to think how you would react to flying once you find out how many pilots drink OFF DUTY.

in your logic, a pilot says "i drink" means "i am drunk while flying you all over the country." most people do understand the difference between "recreation" and "work." do you?

and actually, "at the very least" absolutely nothing bad would happen at all. she would continue to "party" and take care of patients for her entire career, without a single mishap. see, that’s how "at the least" works.

and yeah, i DON’T mind if my doctor is high or drunk WHEN HE’S NOT WORKING. see, it’s his free time. i like to think he can use it as he sees fit. then he can come into work, see me, and be relaxed and happy. :)

but yes, ONCE she’s a doctor, then she would have to deal with drug tests, theoretically. good thing she’s just a college student.

By chuck alien on 07/10/2009 3:46 pm

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and yeah, i DON’T mind if my doctor is high or drunk WHEN HE’S NOT WORKING. see, it’s his free time. i like to think he can use it as he sees fit. then he can come into work, see me, and be relaxed and happy

i agree chuck. i’d bet money that most doctors drink recreationally outside hospital hours, and pot does not scare me in the least - i find alcohol to be more dangerous and mood-altering than pot. a big group of drunks scare me much more than a pack of red-eyed, cotton-mouthed pot smokers.

By Amanda C on 07/10/2009 4:32 pm