Dear Margo | 07/09/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: A Bit of a Chip on a Sib's Shoulder

A woman feels her sister is jealous of the life she leads … Margo Howard’s bright advice

A Bit of a Chip on a Sib’s Shoulder

Dear Margo: I’m 20 years old, pre-med, in my third year at university, maintaining a 3.6 GPA, and working two part-time jobs. I visit my family once a week (it’s a two-hour drive back home). I’m loving life. My sister, however, is 21, married with a 2-year-old and three months pregnant with her second child. She is always putting me down about my "party" lifestyle and choices in men, telling me I need to grow up. It really hurts my feelings that she can’t be happy for me. To be fair, I do go out drinking once or twice a week, I smoke pot occasionally, and I don’t have a steady boyfriend. I’ve had offers; I’m just not ready to settle down and be serious. How should I handle this? I love her and my niece very much, but it’s not my fault she got knocked up and had to drop out of college. Sometimes I feel that she’s just jealous because of how different our lives are. To that point, I just landed an internship in France for the fall. It’s always been my dream to go and I’ve worked very hard to get to this point, but I am dreading telling her my plans because of the sour notes I know she’s going to sing. How shall I deal with my older sibling? — Torn in Tennessee

Dear Torn: I would deal with her in as low-key a manner as possible. Be casual about France, and try to steer the conversation to her and her family. It seems quite clear that there is a competitive aspect between you, which is not abnormal. When it’s feasible, try to frame things so that you are two girls who made different choices: she for home and hearth, and you to pursue medicine. Let us hope she hasn’t picked up on your view that "she got knocked up and had to drop out of college." If you can appreciate and compliment what you see of her life, I think a decent relationship is possible. It may be a bit of a charade, but time will likely help smooth things over. — Margo, temporally

On the Subject of Geezer Dads

Dear Margo: I am 29. My love is 55. We were friends first, and then it turned into a real relationship. When we met, it was supposed to be "Friends with Benefits," but as the years went by we developed feelings for each other, which led to a relationship. I have a 5-year-old and he has a 16-year-old. I’ve said that maybe I want more children, and he has said he’s open to it. But with our huge age difference, I am questioning it. What are your thoughts? — Non-Cougar in Calif.

Dear Non: Well, this is a "Fiddler on the Roof" question: On the one hand … but on the other hand. The plus side is that older fathers often have more time to spend with young children because their careers are established and this "second chance" elicits a different kind of fatherly attention than their first go-round. Also, middle-aged men marrying younger wives know that children may be part of the deal. The minus side was best expressed by a young woman of my acquaintance who was 13 when her 80-year-old father died. She told me she fervently believed there should be laws against geezers having children. She was angry with both her parents for setting her up for this predictable loss. Then, too, in playground and school situations, the father is frequently mistaken for the grandfather. In the end, each couple needs to talk it through and do what they think is right for them. — Margo, contemplatively
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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127 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

The sister may be jealous, or she may sincerely believe that she has a better ahndle on what makes life worthwhile. Tell her, "We are different people. What works for you may not be right for me. Would you want the child you are carrying to be a carbon copy of her older sister?"

By Cool One on 07/10/2009 7:16 am

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Oh, and being older isn’t a guarantee you’ll die when the kid is young, nor will being young guarantee you’ll live (or stick around) to see your grandchildren. My father was in his 40’s when I was born, and I am now older than he was then. What’s more important is being a GOOD parent however long you are around!

By Cool One on 07/10/2009 7:17 am

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In addition to the advice given, maybe LW#1 could make a point of letting her sister know all of the things she admires about her. For instance, if she is a good mother, tell her so. Maybe ask her for some sisterly advice from time to time. And lend a sisterly ear to her, too. Sometimes it helps tremendously to just blow off some steam and know someone understands. The two sisters have made different choices but they are both valid choices. Acknowledge that and, hopefully, she will reciprocate.

LW#2 - There are pros and cons either way. Yes, younger parents have more energy, etc… But older parents often have more patience and life experience to share. Also, older parents may be more finacially secure. No situation in life is perfect. There will always be trade-offs.

By Deena B. on 07/10/2009 8:27 am

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In terms of LW#1, I got knocked up during college and I had my baby during spring break and I went back the next week to finish. I graduated and I went to persue a higher degree a couple of years ago. It’s hard, but I’m a working single mother and if I can do it, anyone can.

By Danielle Delgado on 07/10/2009 9:07 am

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As an alien among the sibling nation, I’ve observed this ongoing competition. The 2 sisters in problem #1 are competiing, of course, and I don’t recommend or agree with the responses which favor one lifestyle over another.

Somehow, if at all possible, college student sister may have a quiet, serious talk with tired, disappointed sister who is very envious, that she does not appreciate those snide remarks, that they are different, and made different choices, etc. And college sister does not have to apologize her choice at all. If that doesn’t work, and I assume it won’t, then overlooking that awful verbal envy is the way to go.

Somehow, though I have always envied those who have siblings, I do recognize that the competition is a life long endeavor, especially for siblings of the same sex. It affects siblings’ connections with the world, and often the same scenario is played out with friends of the same sex. All one can do is get on with one’s own life and not look for approval from all family members.

As for the older man having children with a much younger woman, I’d hope that the issue of children is an important one to consider. Wealth is not equal to longevity, which means that the children will lose a parent early, very sad. Also, financial considerations must be met immediately. I’ve known such parents and their children, and though the losses are profound, perhaps they are bearable. It’s hard for anyone who hasn’t faced it to understand or even sympathize.

By SURA B on 07/10/2009 9:13 am

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I for one have older parents. Now my parents were never well established so I never saw any benefit there. I hated it, every moment of it. My parents were always mistaken for my grandparents (which by the way I didn’t really have them in my life for long because they ALL died when I was young or before I was born), I have watched most of my family die or is dying currently (I am 29 btw) My parents were always too tired to play with me and because we always lived in bad neighborhoods I was never really allowed out anyway, so I didn’t make any friends until I moved out with my sister and got somewhat of a normal life. My mom going through menopause was the worst, it made me hate being female for most of my life because I dealt with her insane mood swings when I was "budding". I have no friends my age because I don’t know how to deal with people my age or younger (most of my friends are 40 - 60, I would NEVER date them), because all I had was my two sisters who are 12 and 17 years older then me. My dad died when I was 23, my mom has been suffering along ever since. And for most of my childhood I would have my parents drop me off blocks away so I didn’t have to deal with the very embarrassing questions and harassment. I would rethink this, personally.

By Robin Holt on 07/10/2009 9:27 am

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LW1 - Be proud of yourself for your decisions, be happy for your sister for her decisions. Margo gave you great advice to keep the relationship going.

To me, this is a case of - Would you rather be right, or would you rather have the relationship? You don’t have to go on about your semester away in front of your sister, because you want to keep the relationship. Yes, it’s not fair, but as you will learn if you get into med school (pull those grades up girl!!) life isn’t fair!

LW2 -Older dads are great! Of course kids will whine because Daddy looks older. They whine because mom is fat or their friends house is bigger or they don’t have cool shoes today. There are few guarantees in life other than kids will whine, death and taxes!

I know folks who lost parents when they were in elementary school. To car wrecks or illness or suicide. Youth is no guarantee that someone will be around for a high school graduation.

I know 60 yr olds (several) who are far more active than most 20 somethings. Youth is no guarantee that someone will be able to play baseball or take the kids skiing or sailing or fishing or camping (or that they will even want to - most 20somethings would rather sit in front of a video game).

However, age is usually a guarantee that the parent will put the childs needs before the parents selfish wants (cigarettes, party nights, etc). Age usually keeps a roof over it’s head, food on the table, and warm clothes to wear. Age usually comes with the patience required to not hit a crying baby. Age usually comes with the understanding that homework is more important than going to overnights with alcohol. Age usually comes with self-awareness that we are all unique individuals and what defines success for one person isn’t the same as what defines success for another person.

Also, have you two considered fostering or adopting? My older husband and I are considering that because there are so many children who need a good household with good role models.

By cathline bridges on 07/10/2009 9:32 am

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I understand what you are saying, but I have to say I do not agree completely. I’m 26 years old and 8 mos. pregnant with my first baby. I’ve been caring for children my entire life. I have a very large family. I have always known that those babies came before me even when I was 16. I have a relative who is 42 and pregnant also. This is her 4th child (by 4 different men) and not ONE of her other children even lives with her. She won’t even spend time with her 11 yr old daughter because "it’s just too overwhelming". Her most recent baby(who is now 2) has been adopted by her sister,(my M-I-L) because she wanted to go out and party rather than take care of him and ended up in jail. She continues to smoke, drink, and do drugs while pregnant. I don’t even drink soda!! So it doesn’t always work out that age makes you a better, more responsible parent.

By krista griffin on 07/10/2009 12:09 pm

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I really liked your response. My dad was the same age as my mom. He provided a roof and all that; but he was very abusive and cheap to the extent of counting how much tissue on a roll and having us split a burger (I am not kidding). My step-father is 16 years older than my mom and treats her like a queen. It took a bit of time to get our relationship in place; but he’s the best. It doesn’t matter to me that he is 78 and I am 31. He is a great dad and we are all lucky to have him in our life. Age and youthful vitality is never a guarantee. We are not promised another day. And ladies, think of it this way…if your man can "perform" in older age; then your son will have something to look forward to. LOL!

By Angel Perez on 07/10/2009 1:45 pm

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To LW2, something to consider regarding older fathers, and something that I was surprised Margo herself didn’t mention—children of older fathers are at much higher risk for birth defects.

It’s a big misconception that only women have a biological clock. In fact, risks start to appear for children of men as young as 30. Here’s the link to the New York Times article about it: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/28/health/28iht-snfert.4748536.html

By Cynthia Hernandez on 07/10/2009 10:23 am

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Cynthia,

I am in the medical field and I NEVER heard about this so it is not a surprize that Margo may not have had this information either. I read the link and started thinking about it. I have 2 male friends that had children in their early 50’s and both of them had children with birth defects. One had a club foot and the other had a deformed cleft palate so there may be something to this. It certainly is something to consider. Thanks for the info.

By Dawn Smith on 07/10/2009 12:16 pm

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YEs, but if you read the entire article it is a 1% increase.

By Lym BO on 07/10/2009 3:30 pm

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Actually, the article has several disconcerting quotes, like:

"Some studies suggest that the risk of sporadic single-gene mutations may be four to five times higher for fathers who are 45 and older, compared with fathers in their 20s"

"Even grandchildren may be at greater risk for some conditions that are not expressed in the daughter of an older father, according to the American College of Medical Genetics. These include Duchenne muscular dystrophy, some types of hemophilia and fragile-X syndrome."

"children of men who became a father at 40 or older were 5.75 times as likely to have an autism disorder as those whose fathers were younger than 30."

"A study on schizophrenia found that the risk of illness was doubled among children of fathers in their late 40s when compared with children of fathers under 25, and increased almost threefold in children born to fathers 50 and older"

This is not just a 1% risk increase—this is serious business. It’s a fallacy to believe that if the mother is young and the father is old, there’s no problem with having kids.

By Cynthia Hernandez on 07/10/2009 7:34 pm

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I read the entire article. The article did have enough merit to be weighed seriously by the medical estabishment. Citations for these "studies" need to be stated. What the article fails to address is whether the mother was also older or if there was any family history of these diseases. These claims certainly need to be studied further, but the evidence stated is fluffy at best. It certainly seems plausible men’s sperm would be less healthy as he ages but physicians don’t practice non-evidence based medicine.

By Lym BO on 07/10/2009 7:59 pm

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I could have been the sister in letter 1. While my youngest sister was in college having the time of her life, I got unexpectedly pregnant with the guy I had only just started thinkg about marrying. Neither he nor I had completed college, and we had a second child two years after the first. During college, my sister spent a semester in Russia, and one in Germany. She had also traveled overseas during high school, something I was never able to do. Since college, she has traveled all over the US, and a trip to New Zealand. I would have loved to have had the travel opportunities she has had. However, I made different life choices than she did. I love my children and wouldn’t trade them for the world, but it definitely changed my life. Fortunately, I have had a very good job since before my first pregnancy, and my husband went back to school after our second child was born and now has a very good job as well. Although there have been times that I have been very envious of my sister, she and I have worked very hard over the years to find the commonalities in our lives, and have let those be our focus. I’m even finding that I now have the opportunities to travel, and it’s so much fun to travel with my children. My suggestion to LW1 would be to be proud of her true accomplishments, but recognize that her sister has valid life experiences to draw from as well, and try to find the things that connect them to each other.

By Crystal Wheeler on 07/10/2009 10:34 am