A Bit of a Chip on a Sib’s Shoulder

Dear Margo: I’m 20 years old, pre-med, in my third year at university, maintaining a 3.6 GPA, and working two part-time jobs. I visit my family once a week (it’s a two-hour drive back home). I’m loving life. My sister, however, is 21, married with a 2-year-old and three months pregnant with her second child. She is always putting me down about my "party" lifestyle and choices in men, telling me I need to grow up. It really hurts my feelings that she can’t be happy for me. To be fair, I do go out drinking once or twice a week, I smoke pot occasionally, and I don’t have a steady boyfriend. I’ve had offers; I’m just not ready to settle down and be serious. How should I handle this? I love her and my niece very much, but it’s not my fault she got knocked up and had to drop out of college. Sometimes I feel that she’s just jealous because of how different our lives are. To that point, I just landed an internship in France for the fall. It’s always been my dream to go and I’ve worked very hard to get to this point, but I am dreading telling her my plans because of the sour notes I know she’s going to sing. How shall I deal with my older sibling? — Torn in Tennessee

Dear Torn: I would deal with her in as low-key a manner as possible. Be casual about France, and try to steer the conversation to her and her family. It seems quite clear that there is a competitive aspect between you, which is not abnormal. When it’s feasible, try to frame things so that you are two girls who made different choices: she for home and hearth, and you to pursue medicine. Let us hope she hasn’t picked up on your view that "she got knocked up and had to drop out of college." If you can appreciate and compliment what you see of her life, I think a decent relationship is possible. It may be a bit of a charade, but time will likely help smooth things over. — Margo, temporally

On the Subject of Geezer Dads

Dear Margo: I am 29. My love is 55. We were friends first, and then it turned into a real relationship. When we met, it was supposed to be "Friends with Benefits," but as the years went by we developed feelings for each other, which led to a relationship. I have a 5-year-old and he has a 16-year-old. I’ve said that maybe I want more children, and he has said he’s open to it. But with our huge age difference, I am questioning it. What are your thoughts? — Non-Cougar in Calif.

Dear Non: Well, this is a "Fiddler on the Roof" question: On the one hand … but on the other hand. The plus side is that older fathers often have more time to spend with young children because their careers are established and this "second chance" elicits a different kind of fatherly attention than their first go-round. Also, middle-aged men marrying younger wives know that children may be part of the deal. The minus side was best expressed by a young woman of my acquaintance who was 13 when her 80-year-old father died. She told me she fervently believed there should be laws against geezers having children. She was angry with both her parents for setting her up for this predictable loss. Then, too, in playground and school situations, the father is frequently mistaken for the grandfather. In the end, each couple needs to talk it through and do what they think is right for them. — Margo, contemplatively
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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