Dear Margo | 09/24/2009 12:00 am

Dear Margo: Life Is Choices

Life Is Choices

Dear Margo: I have been with my husband for 12 years. We have two sons and a very young daughter. Before I got pregnant with my daughter, I started communicating with a man, "Sean," online. We talked because we were both unhappy with our marriages (or maybe just bored). After a few months of this, I found out I was pregnant with my husband’s baby and stopped all communication with Sean. Yet, when my daughter was 4 months old, I e-mailed Sean and we picked up where we left off. We met soon after that, started an affair and fell in love. When my husband discovered the affair, I asked him to move out, even though he wanted to work things out. Sean left his wife, and we have been seeing each other for the past six months.

Even though I have been seeing Sean, I’ve kind of kept my husband on the side … not telling him that I’m continuing the relationship with Sean, but not telling him that I want to work on our marriage, either. I just found out today that my husband has a girlfriend (he showed up at my house with three hickies on his neck) and is filing for divorce. I thought I would be relieved for this drama to be over so I could freely date Sean, but now I am having second thoughts about who I want to be with. Help! — The Grass Isn’t Always Greener in Illinois

Dear Grass: To all the men who have accused me of being a male-basher, please take note. I wish I could offer comforting words, but you are now paying a big price for a mistake. You are no longer the one doing the choosing, and I think your husband is perfectly justified in taking you at your word that you weren’t interested in working on the marriage. I suspect the hickies, I mean the girlfriend, knocked you for a loop. So … I hope things work out with Sean. — Margo, unfortunately

Dealing With A Difficult Answer

Dear Margo: My mom died of cancer when I was 16. I’m moving through life without her, and I think I’m doing OK. My dad and I talk about her and share our memories, but he’s dating again and I’m in college. I wonder how I can let people know that I don’t have a mother anymore, but that she was a wonderful woman and not a topic that needs to be tiptoed around. In my normal speech, I speak about her in the present tense. But if the subject of parents comes up, I will only mention my dad. It becomes difficult when I am asked: What do your parents do? "Well, my dad is an engineer, and my mom is dead." I don’t know what to say. It’s not that I’m still mourning, but she’s gone, and there are times when people need to know, and I don’t know how to tell them. She’d know what to do. — Missing My Mother
Dear Miss: When the subject of parents comes up, or someone asks what your folks do, just say your dad’s an engineer, and your mother, before she died, was a homemaker/sculptress/doctor, whatever. It would be good, both for you and whomever you’re talking to, to say, "I really miss her, but she was wonderful and I wish you could have met her." I think that ought to do it. — Margo, nostalgically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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Read more about: Dear Margo, Death, Divorce, Family, Infidelity, Marriage, Mothers

86 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

#1 You need to grow up. You upset the lives of 3 of what should be your dearest people- your husband, and your two sons because you were bored with your marriage. And you chose with a man who was bored with *his* marriage! When you became pregnant with your third child, you stopped emailing Mr. Emotional Affair. 4 months after the birth of your daughter, you started a physical affair with Mr. Affair. You left your husband and your three kids hanging- not to mention the other guy’s wife and possible family hanging, and now that your husband’s found a girl-friend you think maybe you should stick with your husband?

With all due respect, I hope your soon-to-be-ex husband is very happy in his new relationship. And, having lived my adult life with the safety and security of my children coming before my personal satisfaction- since my then husband wasn’t a safe parent- I do hope that your husband wants the children and will take care of them first- before his own needs. Because this does seem to be all about you.

Say that your wonderful mother died of cancer some years ago, and she would have really liked the person in question, or they would have really liked her. If the people in question give you awkward sympathy, say, we were really lucky to have her, and I’m so sorry you didn’t have the opportunity to know her! If they ask you questions, tell loving stories about her wonderfulness. If they don’t, change the subject and give them time to process their discomfort.

It’s my considered opinion that the average American no longer knows what to do when dealing with death. It’s a pity. Death is a part of life, and knowing what to do really helps.

Constance in the Sierra Foothills who still tells very loving stories about her adoptive grandparents to her daughters.

By Constance Plank on 09/24/2009 12:36 am

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#1 This is clearly a case of personal responsability - I would suggest this woman take responsability for her choices and have the confidence to move on if that is what she has chosen.

#2 Death is not a comfortable word in our western society yet it is a natural process and the person who has made the transition is always here with us as we are all part of the whole, physical or in spirit. I would suggest that the woman asks herself what her mother would have said and she my find there is more humour in the reply as I sense that her mother had a great way of making people smile.

www.chrissysmith.net

By Chrissy Smith on 09/24/2009 6:35 am

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letter #1 -you made your bed now lie in it your soon to be ex deserves to move on and be happy you made your choices and he made his

letter #2 -codolences on the loss of your mother i’m sure she’s very proud of the young woman you have become and will always be with you in spirit

By Marlena Griffin-Knott on 09/24/2009 12:48 am

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Letter #1—-They both got what they had coming to them. The only one I feel bad for is the little girl. Both parents should be ashamed of themselves for breaking their vows and then being mad at the other for something they themselves did. "Thou shall Not Commit ADULTRY", very strong words to live by. I wonder how many people where hurt by their selfish acts.

Letter #2—-Your mother is proud of who you are and what you want for your life, she will always be with you. She’s a part of you in all that matters. My mom passed a few yrs ago, but I still talk to her, it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t answer, I know in my heart of heart she hears me, and it gives me comfort to talk to her. Keep your Eyes to the Sky, your heart open, and never forget that a Mother’s love is forever.

By Deniseann Taylor on 09/24/2009 1:07 am

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Deniseann, what did the husband do that was wrong? Should he have just waited there forever while the self-important letter writer played with his mind? She said she didn’t want to work on the marriage, and it was time for him to move out. Well, he found happiness and is getting rid of her…the only thing I fault him for is not doing it sooner! :P He seems, from the writer’s own letter, like the one who tried to do "the right thing" all along. He even tried to make the marriage work after she had had an affair (when he could [should have?] left then and there), but she said take a hike. So he did, and I hope it works out well for him — and that he finds someone who loves and respects him, as this woman clearly did neither.

By Rachel F on 09/24/2009 8:48 am

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Rachel, I apologize for not making myself clear, this is a very touchy subject with me. I was referring to the man she was cheating with not the baby daddy, he was in the same boat as many women find themselves, and I can relate to him, on trying to save the marriage and counseling, and it just not working cos the other party didn’t want it to work.

I apologize, the woman and her lover are the cheats and their the ones who broke up a home and left a child in the middle.

By Deniseann Taylor on 09/24/2009 1:41 pm

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Ahh, I see. In which case, allow me to agree fully. They’re both worthless creeps, imho. You don’t play games with someone’s heart because you’re "bored". And you don’t make a child if you’re not willing to give it the stablest, happiest life you can — and this woman certainly was not concerned about that. I just hope the creep she’s with didn’t have any kids.

By Rachel F on 09/24/2009 1:48 pm

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Rachel the same thing happened to me, that is why I’m so touchy about adultery, not only did my marriage end (that I had no idea was in trouble), I lost my home, they repoded my car and my son who was 17 and a senior in high school at the time were homeless and I had just been declared 100% disabled and unable to work. I resigned my job not knowing that a few wks later I’d lose everything I’d worked for 24 yrs w/ my husband.

I bounced back and got over it, I’ll never be able to buy another home because it was foreclosed on and I lost my VA loan because of it. One lucky thing for me was both my children were fully grown and they knew they had me for whatever they needed. They talk to him on bday’s and Christmas and he’s lucky they do that, they’ve never forgiven him, were I could care less what happens to him, he made his bed and he can lay in it.

So I pray that little girl has someone in her life (grandparents, dad) to ensure she grows up normal and healthy. The children are hurt during divorces and many people don’t see that. For yrs I blamed myself when my parents divorced, I was in my late teens when I realized the divorce had nothing to do with me, but they used me to hurt each other.

People should have to get a license to have children, or maybe be legally bound to stay together until the child is grown, you can’t create a life and then not put that life before yourself, it’s just not right.

That may sound silly to some, but I know first hand as a child and as a wife who was hurt by a cheater. Divorce affects everyone involved with anybody related to or associated with the couple.

By Deniseann Taylor on 09/24/2009 3:26 pm

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Deniseann, I understand where you’re coming from. Now, me, coming from a situation where divorce would have been the far preferable option, I can tell you that that would create at least as many problems as it would solve.

From my point of view, when two people make a life together, and one person decides, "ok, I’m done," (I’m clearly not talking about abuse or anything like that) it’s that person’s responsibility to compensate the other accordingly. As in your case, I’ve known women who have given 20+ years to a relationship, scarified their own career and prospects for "the family", and then been left with next to nothing when the husband moved on to "greener pastures". I think that’s bs…if you enter an arrangement like that with someone, and you decide to break it, it should be your responsibility to compensate for the damage you’ve done. I know, I’m probably going to get shredded by some of the feminists for this, but I’ve seen the effects of this too often, and it hurts women, badly. Too many times, women give their all for a family — and sacrifice decades of what would have been a promising career and life, just to get dumped 20 or 30 years down the road…and then they have to start all over again. Meanwhile, the creep who didn’t keep his end of the bargain (marriage is a contract, after all) and dumped her is reaping the benefits of his 20 or 30 year-long career, while she’s trying to find work and make ends meet. So, she keeps her end of the bargain, and is left with absolutely nothing; he didn’t, and he gets to benefit from the decades that she sacrificed.

I donno…that’s my take on it, anyway. :P

I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you, but I’m glad to hear that things are working out for you now…I hope they will continue to do so!!

By Rachel F on 09/24/2009 4:03 pm

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Rachel what you just described is exactly what happened to me. I only stayed married to him until the children were done with high school (well son almost), if it hadn’t been for all the yrs I was married to the sob, I’d have no help w/ finances and be forced to go on welfare. But the military doesn’t look kindly on their marines cheating on their spouses, especially after so many yrs, he lost 1/2 of his pension for the rest of his life, and if he should go before me, I will continue to get his pension because I insisted he have to pay into the insurance program they have for just that reason. Now I have my VA benefits, 1/2 his pension and occasionally I get something published I write and that’s just candy money for me :) I worked two jobs sometimes and sold Avon and Mary Kay to help with money, he never seemed to grasp the idea that his income was for the family not just him. More then once I’d have to go to his C.O. show him my bank statements and tell them he wasn’t kicking in to support the family. We used my VA Loan for the house so when it went into foreclosure I lost my chance for another VA loan, so I’ll never be able to buy another house. But he got to keep his VA loan, but sadly because he has to give me half his pension no one will give him a loan. He was a DRUNK, and when he got sober the Marine Corp sent him to school to be a Drug and Alcohol counselor (pot calling the kettle black), and when he retired he went to college on his GI bill and got his BA in psychology and now has his own practice. But he’s such a hypocrite, he talks down to everyone, I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with him anymore. When our son got married, we were both there, and the guilt he carries is so visible, he paid for whatever us Mom’s couldn’t and that was most of it, seeing how we were both single moms cos of jerks like him. that was 5 yrs ago and I’ve not seen him once in all that time. I did have to call him when our daughter had emergency surgery, but I only did that because she begged me to.

Yep I lost my car, house, income for a while and was forced to move back home (buffalo) and that was a huge mistake, but I rectified that and things are going smooth right now and I’m not looking for any bumps in the road for a long time to come :)

By Deniseann Taylor on 09/24/2009 6:07 pm

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That woman shoudn’t be raising a puppy, for sure not a child.

By Ben Dover on 09/24/2009 6:37 pm

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Deniseann, I’m sorry for what’s happened to you, but I must disagree with some of your statements.

"People should have to get a license to have children, or maybe be legally bound to stay together until the child is grown, you can’t create a life and then not put that life before yourself, it’s just not right."

I understand why you might think this is a good idea due to your own experiences, but it’s not. Marriage, stripped down to its core, is just another relationship; albeit an expensive one to both enter into and break away from. There is no reason two people who do not love each other and are not happy with each other should be raising a child together in a situation in which they are both miserable, just as there is no reason an unhappy couple shouldn’t break up. A child should not have to grow up in such an environment. Children are very much attuned to these sorts of things, and know when their parents do not love each other, and it affects them adversely. I know this from experience, and have talked to many others who wish their parents would have divorced when they realized they no longer loved each other and weren’t happy with their lives. Even my parents tell me they should have separated much earlier for the good of my bother and me. I can’t tell you how many times I wished, when I was very young, that my parents would divorce and just be happy. Staying together solely "for the kids" is a terrible, terrible idea. Children are surprisingly intuitive, and the atmosphere of such an environment is contagious. It sets a bad example of a "healthy relationship".

By Christine L. on 09/26/2009 11:46 pm

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it’s that person’s responsibility to compensate the other accordingly. As in your case, I’ve known women who have given 20+ years to a relationship, scarified their own career and prospects for "the family", and then been left with next to nothing when the husband moved on to "greener pastures".

I won’t blast you, but I will say that when I divorced, I didn’t want anything from my ex. I wanted to succeed, and I did! I had to get a student loan, go back to school, and work (of course), but I knew I could do it without a penny from him. My daughter never wanted for anything—we made it without him! Want to sever ties with that ex for real, walk away and don’t ask for a penny.

I will also say that if a woman in this day and age chooses to build nothing for herself as a human, she may want to rethink it. Death, spousal disability, sickness and other accidents can put the same stress on a woman as a divorce. I think we owe it to ourselves to make ourselves skilled and marketable. You never know when you’ll need to use it!

By A R on 09/24/2009 6:21 pm

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You never know when you’ll need to use it!

AR, I’m with you on that. However, the fact of the matter is that, if two people make a deal/contract, whereby, once they start having kids, one is going to raise the kids and keep house and all of that, and the other is going to be the bread winner, and the bread winner decides twenty years into the deal, "You know what, too bad, I’m outta here," he or she has broken the contract. In your case, you were fortunate enough to have the ability and determination to achieve your goals. Not everyone is the same or has the same abilities or even opportunities. Perhaps, someone with all of your determination, drive and hard work in different circumstances still would have wound up very differently. When people get married, they become a unit; whatever that team decides on — both people working, one person staying home with the kids full time/part time, etc. — they decide on. I don’t think it’s right when someone breaks that deal that the person who saw through their end of the bargain is the one to suffer.

Don’t get me wrong…I do not think that women should be dependant on men, or need men to protect or keep them or any of that crap (that, I know, went hand in hand with alimony, etc., earlier on — which is precisely why it is so distasteful to many feminists, I think). I used the example of women earlier because I was referring to instances that I have seen, and, in my personal experience, I have not seen men in that position; however, I do not by any means want to make it a gender-specific thing. The fact of the matter is, if you don’t want to be married, you shouldn’t be; but it is a contract, and, like any other contract, one party shouldn’t be able to break their end of it and leave the other party hanging.

Anyhow, that’s my thoughts on it…and thanks for not flaying me…I’ve taken a lot of flack for that opinion before, lol. ;-)

By Rachel F on 09/24/2009 6:47 pm

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and the bread winner decides twenty years into the deal,

To me…there’s part the problem…twenty years into the deal is too long to wait to take one’s turn. In this day and age, there are too many options for someone to wait twenty years to build a skill set.

By A R on 09/25/2009 7:06 pm