Dear Margo | 08/19/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: Married, Pregnant and Miserable

Married, Pregnant and Miserable

Dear Margo: I am 35 years old, married for two years. Surprisingly, I have a 17-month-old daughter and am four months pregnant — despite the fact that my husband does not want to have sex with me. (Only four times in two years. We have been very lucky!) He is emotionally distant, not affectionate, always stressed and angry that I am not a better housewife, even though I do try my best to be a good mother and wife. I was able to cope OK for the first two years, but now that I am pregnant again, I am extremely depressed about our relationship. When I try to express my feelings and needs to him, he accuses me of playing games to manipulate him and becomes verbally abusive if I press the issue. He seems to love his daughter, but has reacted negatively about the expected baby — even though he was the one who suggested getting pregnant! If it were not for the children, I would leave him instantly. How do I reach this man and transform my marriage? I am a child of divorce and hate the idea of putting my children through the same ordeal. I know I could not bear a separation or divorce during my pregnancy or while trying to care for a newborn and a toddler, but my days of misery with my husband are really starting to take a heavy toll on me and, in turn, on our daughter. My greatest wish is for our children to have a normal, stable home life in which they can thrive. — Teary in Arkansas

Dear Tear: I agree that you should do nothing until the new baby arrives and you are comfortable in the routine of caring for two little ones. While recognizing (and sympathizing) with your wish to provide a stable home life, I am doubtful this is possible with a man who has mandated sex as a twice-a-year procedural; is emotionally distant, stressed and angry; complains; and is totally uninterested in how you feel about anything. I actually don’t think a "transformation" is possible. There is too much wrong with him. You do not have to live like this. As for your wish for a stable home life, that is possible with a mother who is not wildly unhappy. Bide your time, and then leave. — Margo, recuperatively

Culture Clash

Dear Margo: What do you think of this situation? My friend, a 40-year-old divorced father of two, thought he had fallen in love with a 37-year-old virgin of the Muslim faith. (She and her family live in the U.S. My friend is not Muslim.) In a year of being engaged, they have never kissed or touched. He now feels this is a mistake and has tried twice to break off the engagement, but her family has told him, "Once you commit to marriage with a Muslim woman, you cannot back out." Needless to say, this is a serious dilemma. My friend confided this to me and I am concerned. What would you tell him if you were me? — Fearful

Dear Fear: I do not find this such a serious dilemma because the woman’s Muslim family lives in this country and their religious rules and customs apply only to them. Neither the United States nor any religion practiced here forbids the breaking of an engagement, just as we do not stone adulterers or have honor killings. I’d advise your friend man up, call it a day and suggest this woman would be happier with someone of her own faith. If the family becomes threatening, he has recourse to a restraining order or the Department of Immigration. — Margo, factually

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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209 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Letter 1: Could he be having an affair? He might be trying to get you to get a divorce so he will not have to ask for a divorce and not be the bad guy.

I have a friend who has not slept with her husband for many years and gets an excuse that she knows why they do not do which she does not know. Also he takes a lot of trips out of state for business, great opportunity. So I am skeptical of the fact that he is not doing anything. They have been married over 30 years and he would lose alot if they divorced since he holds a good patent on a product.

I have heard that it is better for the kids to happy divorced parents then not. I have not seen this in my family but we are pretty dysfunctional.

By Rachel M on 08/19/2009 11:32 pm

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I doubt if there’s an affair going on. I was in exactly the same position about ten years ago. My ex’s lack of compassion and connection kept chipping away at my self-esteem until I was a quivering mass. It took me awhile to finally get up the courage to get out of that relationship - and I have never felt better. Her kids are still young, but trust me - he’ll do the same to them. Mine are still recovering from the emotional abuse he imposed on them, and it’s been almost ten years. My biggest regret is not leaving sooner. I knew it wasn’t working about two weeks into the marriage, but I had just found out I was pregnant and kept hoping against hope he would change. He did - for the worse. He wouldn’t discuss it, wouldn’t see a councellor - because it was all my fault, not his. Leave now. The financial stuff will take care of itself. And the relief you feel will get you through the rough stuff. You don’t realize how scared and tense you are until you no longer have to worry about what he is going to say or do next. Remember - abuse isn’t just physical. Verbal abuse is just as bad, if not worse. Call your Mom and let her know you are on the way.

By Gail Compton on 08/20/2009 10:22 am

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yeah verbal abuse almost killed me a few years ago. it wears down on you and makes you sick, depressed and alone. my now ex, was an alcoholic and 8mos after we were married i was diagnosed with lupus and fibromyalgia. i finally got over the shame of making a bad mistake, started praying, found a job i could do and with my adult kids got the hell out of there. i just hope LW#2 can do that. she really needs to get away. once she has her second child and gets her life back together she will suddenly really want to get away from him. my first husband was the same way and by the time my daughter was 2yrs old and my son was 3 1/2, i had had enough and left. what’s funny is it was so much easier without him. before it was like having 3 children instead of 2. i had to get on welfare at first but even that didn’t bother me. about a year or so later i found a wonderful man and settled down with him for a while. i also found jobs pretty fast (the DA’s office at the time didn’t look for fathers like they do now) and did pretty good. i certainly got my self esteem back. so take your time. put a few dollars away somewhere he cannot find it and then when your ready after the baby is born go on your way.

do something for yourself every chance you get. you need to feel like your worthy and that will do it for you. if you can get your mom or another friend to watch your daughter, you should go out and treat yourself to a manicure/pedicure/facial or whatever turns you on. stop bugging him about sex. from this point on, act like YOU don’t want it. i guarantee suddenly he will wonder whats up, say nothing at all and turn over in bed or walk away. after all it gives YOUR self-esteem a boost to turn the tables on them. keep em guessing my grammy used to say. as time goes on you won’t really care that he doesn’t want you anymore b/c YOU will want you and that’s what is important. good luck!!!

By Nancy Pea on 08/20/2009 3:12 pm

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Dear Margo,

As a Muslim myself, I can attest to the fact that the reason the Muslim family in the last letter won’t "allow" the fiance to break the engagement is because they are psycho, not because it’s not allowed in their religion. Or, possibly, they are desperate for her to get a green card.

By Gretchen A on 08/19/2009 11:43 pm

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Also being Muslim, I disagree. They may be more concerned with appearances, after all, a Muslim woman who is engaged is considered practically married, and if one engagement is broken, it may make it almost impossible to get married to anyone within the religion. While it is not part of Christianity, many Christians also held that belief up until about 100 years ago. Not everyone who is Muslim is "psycho" and that is a very loaded and inappropriate statement to make when many Muslims are trying their best to show that they are not terrorists.

By Lubna Dovel on 08/20/2009 10:03 am

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She should have never started dating someone that was not of her faith, if she or her family did not accept the consequences. They are living in America, she decide to date a Christian…her bad choice.

As for Muslim’s not wanting to be cosidered terrorists, it would help if they would SPEAK OUT against terrorits more often and louder than they do.

That would help.

FSM~

By Kelly In Texas on 08/20/2009 1:44 pm

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As for Muslim’s not wanting to be cosidered terrorists, it would help if they would SPEAK OUT against terrorits more often and louder than they do.

What a dumb, and very offensive, thing to say. Common sense should tell anyone that not all Muslims are terrorists, and that only a FEW radical, fundamentalist Muslims have committed or supported terrorist acts. People who paint Muslims with a broad terrorist brush often have problems with them anyway because they look different, and don’t worship the same god. Why would you assume, anyway, that the vast majority of Muslims haven’t denounced terrorism? Of course they do! We’ve had domestic hate and terrorist groups in this country for over a century (at least) that are still going strong (probably stronger today given our current President)— perhaps if certain people would SPEAK OUT against these terrorists more often, they wouldn’t be implicated via indifference.

By Purple Moon on 08/20/2009 6:38 pm

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Thank you, for confirming my original words.

Are you suggesting that Timothy McVey was not a domestic terrorists? The blond guy who bombed that government building/daycare? Yes, the blond guy who killed 168 innocent adults and babies. He was not an Islamic terrorist but American grown. How am I being bigoted by describing this killer? I was merely pointing out that this terrorist was not Muslim and not wearing the stereo-typical long flowing robes, beards and head coverings. Bigotry causes you to be selective in your choice of terrorists.

You make excuses for the Timothy McVeys while claiming the real "domestic terrorists" are the gangs that kill, steal, deal drugs and corrupt American neighborhoods. They’re all criminals and should be dealt with severely.

A terrorist is a terrorist is a terrorist whether living abroad or on American soil. While, you’re busy looking for dark complexions, accents and long flowing robes the Timothy Mcveys go unnoticed. Look at him, he looks like cousin Timmy. He could not possibly be a terrorists.

Who in the "Hell" are you and your cronies? Why should Muslim Americans have to prove anything? Why should they have to beg for understanding and acceptance from their fellow Americans? As usual you’re making a lot of erroneous allegations(extremist that live, work and worship along side them.) Anyone who is not Anglo-Saxon Protestants are suspect. Anyone who does not fit your narrow description is not American.

I’ve listened to some of the most bigoted rants on this site by so-called Christians. Persons who claim to love the prince of peace. Persons who insult the tenets of Christ by spewing their filth. Hypocrites! Much like the KKK who burn crosses, set fires to homes and hang others in the name of God. President Obama needs no defense. He is the living example of Christ’s words.

I refuse to engage you in a futile thread.

By L. C. on 08/21/2009 10:52 am

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The post with Timothy McVey is addressed to Kelly In Texas.

By L. C. on 08/21/2009 10:55 am

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L.C….refuse all that you want to, the FACT remains that you JUST did engage…

Obama most certainly is NOT the living example of Christ’s words…he is a liar, a crook and a deciever. That sentiment does not make me a racists…it makes me a realists. So put away the liberal talking points and face the music.

No one is asking anybody to "beg" show me that post…and I will apologize to you. But you CAN’T because it did not happen L.C…so why would you exaggerate that point? It has nothing to do with not being "anglo-saxons" as you love to trot out, time and time again. Why so obsessed with the "white" thing?

Show me a post where ANYONE especially ME said ONE THING about "dark complexions, accents and long flowing robes " SHOW ME L.C. Why would anyone want to make this about race? Ask yourself that L.C….why would you do that?

Show me the "excuse" that I made for that killer McVeigh? My point was that there are far more gang members that kill more Americans daily….I DID NOT EXCUSE McVeigh.

I am sick and tired of your constant smears of "bigot" and "racist". It does not make your opinion right, it only makes your posts hateful and uninformative.

So go ahead…YOU are the only one that mentioned any physical attributes, like being "blonde"…

I HAVE NOT MENTIONED ONE SINGLE physical attribute of color, clothing, or otherwise….

So maybe you should either show me the posts, or aplogize, being the fair minded and truthful person that you present yourself to be.

FSM~

By Kelly In Texas on 08/21/2009 12:09 pm

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Where to begin…

Yes, domestic terrorist groups (the KKK, skinheads, and similar) are a real threat to many American citizens. Just because they don’t target YOU does not mean they are not dangerous to many other people. Why would you even deny that they are dangerous? The KKK is the longest established terrorist group in this nation and our government has not done enough to stop them. This is a FACT. Look at the stats: http://www.splcenter.org/news/item.jsp?aid=366

Let’s look at Texas: http://www.splcenter.org/intel/map/hate.jsp#s=TX

Of the 66 known hate groups:

50 are white supremacy groups

2 are black panthers

5 are Islamic hate groups

6 are Christian hate groups

3 are other

So let me guess. The 50 white supremacy groups simply gather for social events and tea parties, while the 5 Islamic groups are plotting to kill everyone? Right.

"The Islamic and Muslim extremists abroad and RIGHT HERE ON OUR OWN SOIL are the CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER."

Please, provide evidence that qualifies this statement. This sounds like paranoia to me. "Clear and present danger"? Really? What’s the terrorist alert level today?

"In my opinion, gangs are the real "domestic terrorists" they kill, steal, deal drugs and corrupt more American neighborhoods than any other "domestic terrorists" have."

What’s your point? That gangs are "real" domestic terrorists, and the white supremacy groups are not? Gangsters, gang members, the mob, all of these people are dangerous. All of them "steal, deal drugs, and corrupt neighborhoods". America, though, is quite selective with whom they like to vilify.

Black/Latino gangsters = lowlife thugs, who target mostly blacks and latinos anyway, so who cares (until a white person becomes a victim, that is)?

White mobsters = heroes who deserve to be honored via epic films, hit TV shows, and documentaries, all of which are rendered with a romanticized (often sympathetic) tone. And let’s not to mention the mob’s political ties that have gone all the way to the top.

By Purple Moon on 08/21/2009 11:21 am

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My reply is also to Kelly.

By Purple Moon on 08/21/2009 11:24 am

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Purple Moon

Great responses! You’re right on target! Thanks for having my back.

By L. C. on 08/21/2009 11:34 pm

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Well Purple Moon…Why are attempting to make this a racial issue? So very liberal 101…

My point was that gang violence is responsible for more murder and crime than most other so called "terrorists". That’s a fact…and I guess that you are unaware that there are ALL colors and races of gangs. Intersting how you jumped on the bigot bandwagon and assumed that gangs were only blacks and Hispanics…have you never heard of the Ayrian Brotherhood?

You may want to educate yourself on the extremist that are members of the Mosques right here in America…many were directly involved with 911…I suggest the books; "Cover Up" and "Triple Cross" by Peter Lance. Don’t worry, he is as liberal as they get…but his journalistic reporting is beyond anything that you have read.

White Supremists at Tea Parties? Ridiculous…99% of those people are average citizens…but the ACORN and SEIU fakes that were bused in….they are something different.

You need to update your facts there P.M…you are way behind the curve here…

FSM~

By Kelly In Texas on 08/21/2009 12:27 pm

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Well we are not talking terrorists; we are talking the religious beliefs and actions of muslims and their rules and customs.

No one is saying that all muslims are terrorists, but some of us are noting that the tenets of muslim religion are pretty much the same for all, and that most muslims still abide by the rules of the muslim religion, even when those rules are harmful to all concerned.

By Sharon Lee Rosewoman on 08/28/2009 2:38 pm