Dear Margo | 08/19/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: Married, Pregnant and Miserable

Married, Pregnant and Miserable

Dear Margo: I am 35 years old, married for two years. Surprisingly, I have a 17-month-old daughter and am four months pregnant — despite the fact that my husband does not want to have sex with me. (Only four times in two years. We have been very lucky!) He is emotionally distant, not affectionate, always stressed and angry that I am not a better housewife, even though I do try my best to be a good mother and wife. I was able to cope OK for the first two years, but now that I am pregnant again, I am extremely depressed about our relationship. When I try to express my feelings and needs to him, he accuses me of playing games to manipulate him and becomes verbally abusive if I press the issue. He seems to love his daughter, but has reacted negatively about the expected baby — even though he was the one who suggested getting pregnant! If it were not for the children, I would leave him instantly. How do I reach this man and transform my marriage? I am a child of divorce and hate the idea of putting my children through the same ordeal. I know I could not bear a separation or divorce during my pregnancy or while trying to care for a newborn and a toddler, but my days of misery with my husband are really starting to take a heavy toll on me and, in turn, on our daughter. My greatest wish is for our children to have a normal, stable home life in which they can thrive. — Teary in Arkansas

Dear Tear: I agree that you should do nothing until the new baby arrives and you are comfortable in the routine of caring for two little ones. While recognizing (and sympathizing) with your wish to provide a stable home life, I am doubtful this is possible with a man who has mandated sex as a twice-a-year procedural; is emotionally distant, stressed and angry; complains; and is totally uninterested in how you feel about anything. I actually don’t think a "transformation" is possible. There is too much wrong with him. You do not have to live like this. As for your wish for a stable home life, that is possible with a mother who is not wildly unhappy. Bide your time, and then leave. — Margo, recuperatively

Culture Clash

Dear Margo: What do you think of this situation? My friend, a 40-year-old divorced father of two, thought he had fallen in love with a 37-year-old virgin of the Muslim faith. (She and her family live in the U.S. My friend is not Muslim.) In a year of being engaged, they have never kissed or touched. He now feels this is a mistake and has tried twice to break off the engagement, but her family has told him, "Once you commit to marriage with a Muslim woman, you cannot back out." Needless to say, this is a serious dilemma. My friend confided this to me and I am concerned. What would you tell him if you were me? — Fearful

Dear Fear: I do not find this such a serious dilemma because the woman’s Muslim family lives in this country and their religious rules and customs apply only to them. Neither the United States nor any religion practiced here forbids the breaking of an engagement, just as we do not stone adulterers or have honor killings. I’d advise your friend man up, call it a day and suggest this woman would be happier with someone of her own faith. If the family becomes threatening, he has recourse to a restraining order or the Department of Immigration. — Margo, factually

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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209 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

"I wanted to go back and see if I was getting the information from the right source, but I was afraid that I might lose what I had already written, so I apologized ahead of time. It turns out I was right, too, because I just went back to check something on the previous page and guess what? Yep, I lost it all and had to start over!"

Roniphooh:

i avoid this issue by either 1) copying what i’ve already written and going back to the original post, or 2) hitting Control-N to open my comment in a second window and going back to the original message. i’m a professional Alt-Tabber. i know that not everyone uses Windows or IE since they are pretty much of the devil, but i think that FireFox has a similar "open the same webpage in a different tab/window" option.

oh, and….express away, i say. that’s what this forum is supposed to be for.

By Jennifer Mc on 08/22/2009 9:02 pm

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Kelly in Texas aks: Kelly the hater, Kelly can’t wait to blast Obama, Kelly the intelligent one, Kelly the racist, Kelly lover of beating down anyone who does agree with her arrogant thoughts. There’s more, but that’s enough for one nite…..Hasta La Vista Baby

By Rose Everett on 08/21/2009 10:52 pm

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So true Rose, so true. Kelly in Texas cracks me up… I shouldn’t laugh as I know the poor sod is completely serious in regards to her questionable opinions but I just can’t help it. I read what she rights and each and every time.. I just go.. ‘wtf?’ lololol.

By tj goldstein on 08/22/2009 3:14 am

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Regarding the non-Muslim man being pressured into marriage with a supposedly Muslim woman.

Your usually well-informed and wise judgment was off on this one.

Firstly, you implied that immigration authorities should be called. The writer did not suggest that the family were immigrants. And even so, who should have the audacity to report a family for not committing a crime? That would be discriminatory.

Secondly, you assumed that the family had threatened the woman’s fiance. Think carefully: would you have given the same advice to a man whose Christian in-laws-to-be were trying to press a man into marriage?

Thirdly, you implied that there may be some Muslim-dominated countries or regions (Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Indonesia, India*, etc) where a Muslim woman is permitted to marry a non-Muslim man. There is no such country.

FYI, in Islam, Muslim men may marry Muslim/Christian/Jewish/Sabian women. Muslim women may only marry Muslim men.

The holy book of Islam is the Quran. In Sura 2, Aya 221 of the Quran says that a Muslim woman cannot be married to an unbeliever. In the context of the Quran, non-Muslims are unbelievers, even though they (esp. Christians, Jews, Sabians and Zoroastrians) can go to heaven. In Sura 5 Aya 5 of the Quran, Muslim men are given the privilege of any woman who follows scriptures which God gave, i.e. Talmud, Bible, and the books used by Sabeans and Zoroastrians.

All religious rulings (fatwas) on the subject agree. Furthermore, there is no school of Islamic thought - neither Sunni nor Shia nor any other sect - which is accepted by the government of any Islamic country which allows Muslim women to marry non-Muslim men.

It follows, logically, that any "Muslim" family who insists that a Christian man marry their daughter is not following any accepted or common form of Islam, and they are probably irrational people who are just trying to get their daughter married off.

I suspect that the daughter is no virgin at all. After all, she has not told the truth about being a devout, traditional Muslim, and she is 37 years old and living in the United States. Further, a Muslim woman who marries a non-Muslim man automatically becomes a non-Muslim. In very few cases do devoutly religious parents push their children into marriage with people whom they would consider non-believers/sinners/maybe going to hell. So maybe the loss of virginity is the ground for the rush? If they are immigrants, then permanent residency could also be an issue.

By Debra Cloud on 08/25/2009 9:08 am

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Your response illustrates how prevelant anti-Islam bigotry is in this country.

You assume that all Muslims are immigrants and foreigners. Islam is a religion and one who is Muslim practices Islam. Muslims are from ALL countries, including the United States. I am a fourth generation American Muslim. I am offended by your suggestion that the friend call immigration on this family. Wow!

If this family was actually practing what Islam teaches, they would not even approve of their daughter getting engaged to a non-Muslim man since Islam prefers Muslims marry Muslims.

It is untrue that Islam "forbids the breaking of an engagement." Islam does not even have an engagement. In Islam, a nikkah (marriage contract) and sometimes walima (wedding reception) is all that is needed for a couple to marry.

And to mention stone adulterers or honor killings as examples of Islamic behavior…that is just taking it too far.

You need to educate yourself on Islam and talk to Muslims. You need to understand what are urban legends and stereotypes and what is really Islam.

By Don Bon on 08/25/2009 4:29 pm