Dear Margo | 09/04/2009 12:00 am

Dear Margo: Marrying For Money Is a Tough Way To Earn a Living

Marrying For Money Is a Tough Way To Earn a Living

Dear Margo: I am 27, and I married for love at 24. It didn’t work out, so now I’m considering dating for money. I enjoy traveling, which is an expensive hobby, and my passion is animals. Without a degree (or the time and money to pursue a degree), I can only volunteer my time to causes that benefit animals. I’m dating a really great guy right now, but he has a lot of baggage — an ex-wife and two kids, and he can’t "take care of me" financially. Kids have always been a deal-breaker for me, but our relationship was very convenient two years ago when I left my husband and was going through my divorce. Is it "wrong" to marry for money if the guy knows ahead of time that it is one of the main reasons I want to be with him? — Gold Digger

Dear Gold: Where to start? It is not "wrong" to marry for money; it is just usually disappointing … or worse. How much fun can it be, after all, to live like a princess if the guy that goes with it is not someone for whom you have genuine feeling? Some women, however, are so focused on being "taken care of" that they’ll put up with anything, and the tradeoff is being a bird in a gilded cage. I also find a serious flaw in your thinking: I don’t know that there are men who know for a fact that their money is the main attraction and think that’s fine. They may suspect, but I can’t imagine it being spelled out. If this is the case, however, then you are in a business arrangement where it’s sex and companionship for money, and there is a name for that. — Margo, carefully

On His Way To Being Imelda Marcos

Dear Margo: My husband and I have been married for a year, and we really love each other. We’ve yet to have kids and are enjoying our newlywed period. My only problem is that I feel he is overly concerned with purchasing nice things. For example, he focused for months on trading in our current truck for a car by trying to convince me with extensive research, calling dealerships, visiting dealerships, etc. Immediately after that, he focused on getting a pair of designer sunglasses, and now he has just bought another pair of shoes (which, once he gets, he doesn’t want to wear often so as not to wear them out).

Sometimes these purchases are quite irrational. He’s a huge fan of ordering things online, receiving them, not liking them, and then returning them to then get something else. To be honest, it’s exhausting. I find it hard to express myself because I feel he has a difficult time understanding why I don’t continually think about my next purchase. Do you think it’s merely a difference in shopping habits, or is it a projection of something deeper? — Shopaholic’s Wife

Dear Shop: Your luck — this is more often a problem that men have with women. Your husband needs a new hobby, as well as some understanding of why he is a compulsive shopper/buyer. The business with the shoes is edifying. His collection of footwear has nothing to do with wearing shoes, which is necessary, but with having several pairs. In a concerned rather than critical way, I would suggest to him that you believe his concentration on things is based on compulsion rather than need, and that his mental health — not to mention family finances — requires him to join a group or see a counselor to unravel his absorption with buying. (In a perfect world, alas, not the one we’re living in, he could become a buyer for a department store and live vicariously.) In any case, do encourage him to get a handle on this. It is one thing to aspire to having nice things and quite another to have that goal become the center of life. — Margo, moderately

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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Read more about: Advice, Dear Margo, Divorce, Finance, Margo Howard, Marriage, Relationships

67 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Bottom line of "Golddigger" is she doesn’t know the rules of the game.

The first rule is never let them think they aren’t the most fabulous, sexiest, and most generous man alive. Of course you love them. How could you not?

The second rule is take him window shopping. If the boxes with the diamonds and the minks don’t arrive the following day, move on.

The third rule is the most important. Plan to marry well and divorce better. If he wants you to sign a pre-nup, burst into tears and run from the room and don’t answer the phone for a week. If he hasn’t called in a week, move on. Or call him and if he answers tell him how you understand and of course it’s just a silly piece of paper that doesn’t matter because of course you will be with him forever and then sign the pre-nup and take what you can get. Remember something is better than nothing.

By Baby Snooks on 09/04/2009 5:36 pm

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I was doing four things at once when I posted this and went from them to him and should have stuck to them because many men marry for money as well. And, well, as one of the heiresses of the robber baron fortunes once put it, who cares why they’re marrying you? What matters is how they treat you. She had a point I suppose.

And of course Jacqueline Kennedy had absolutely no problem signing a pre-nup. Enough said.

By Baby Snooks on 09/05/2009 6:00 pm

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Oops. I meant Jacqueline Kennedy had absolutely no problem signing a pre-nup when she became Jacqueline Onassis.

By Baby Snooks on 09/05/2009 6:03 pm

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LW#1 is giving hard working women a bad name! The ppl I talk with think I have too high standards - I want a man who has a job and can support himself. Not one that wants me to support him financially. I think it’s terrible that I have to say that is one of my standards.

As everyone is saying I think she needs to find a good way to support herself. Now is the time to go back to school, get an education
(scholarships are available) and support yourself. There is something to be said for owning your own home, your own car and supporting yourself. I’ve been doing it, and so have many others, for quite awhile. It sucks to be working all the time, but there is also something fulfilling knowing that something you do makes a difference to someone.

Marrying for money may work for now, but what happens when you turn 40 and he trades you in for a 20 year old? You try to find another rich old guy to support you? There aren’t that many out there.

By r t on 09/04/2009 6:26 pm

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#2… by any chance did ur husband grow up without much money? In those types of cases, where they’re poor, they couldn’t afford nice things. Now that he’s working & making good money, I think he’s buying things now to make up for what he missed growing up. Maybe his family couldn’t afford new shoes very often, or good clothes. When I got divorced, 3 kids, I couldn’t afford much either. After I married again, got a decent job, I started shopping & now have more clothes than I can possibly wear. My husband grew up poor, so he too started buying clothes, shoes, etc. We did it slowly so as not to put ourselves in the hole. When he passed away, he probably had 30-40 pairs of shoes! I didn’t begrudge him that at all. Many of the shoes which cost over $100, he didn’t wear that often, for the same reason ur husband doesn’t. Just a thot!

By Louise Browning on 09/04/2009 7:15 pm

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#1……. I divorced my first husband, lost my 2nd. I’m in my 60s so my face has wrinkles, my figure’s shot, Im not @ all like I was in my 20s-30s. Now if I decide to marry again, it might be for $$$. I don’t have anything else to lose…..maybe self-respect, but I think I can learn to live with that! Sooner or later, u’re going to to loose ur figure & ur looks, then he’ll get rid of u! Better marry for love now, u may not get another chance!

By Louise Browning on 09/04/2009 7:24 pm

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I would much rather make my own money, answer to only myself and live my life as I please. If someone else pays my way then I’m obligated to live life as they see fit. I look at it as though having my own money secures my own personal freedoms.

By Rain in Minneapolis on 09/04/2009 8:25 pm

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LW #1: Beauty’s only skin deep, but honey, you’re bone marrow is effin’ UGLY! You better get a good back doctor, because with your mentality, you’re going to be laying on yours for everything!

By Lisa Hawkins on 09/04/2009 10:04 pm

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I have a few words for LW1 to google: Megan Wants a Millionaire. Ryan Jenkins. Jasmine Fiore. Let her read the articles, then ask her if she wants to marry for money. If she still wants that, eh, it’s her head she’s risking.

By Donna Twoey-McDaniel on 09/05/2009 6:45 am

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Letter#1. My grandmother told me: You will never work so hard for the money you earn when you marry for money.

I believe that is true after I have seen friends and family, both men and women, do precisely that.

Investment in one’s ownself is the reward that keeps paying dividends right up to the end of your life. The person that does this well chooses what they eat and when they eat it, where they will live and how long they will live there. Who they will invite into their lives and who they shut the doors on. Where they will go on their vacations, how long they will spend there, what they will do there and what photos to take. They will wear what they choose, drive what they choose, have the hobbies they choose.

Those who choose to ride on the coattails of others, and manage to do so, will have lived their entire lives without having ever known what they might have accomplished had they not been so lazy.

By S A on 09/05/2009 8:22 am

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Not for one man, I once knew!

By C jay on 09/05/2009 5:32 pm

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PS: in re "Marrying For Money Is a Tough Way To Earn a Living"

:-p

By C jay on 09/05/2009 5:35 pm

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Gold digger needs to remember that having a sugar daddy isn’t as easy as it used to be. In days gone by, a woman like "Gd" could marry a much older wealthy man, give birth to her one ‘heir/insurance kid’, and know that in the evenings she could diaper both her baby and her husband and put them both to bed, leaving the rest of the night open for herself and the pool boy, the maid, the personal assistant, or whomever. Those days are but a blissful memory today; viagra (one of the worst things that has ever happened to women, IMO)/ cialis/ etc., has changed the ways of the past. Now the sugar daddy wants to stay up late and be entertained. So, Gd, bein’ a trophy just aint what it used to be!

By Melanie Waldrop on 09/06/2009 10:38 am

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"viagra (one of the worst things that has ever happened to women, IMO)"

I feel sorry for you that your sex life is that bad. Sex should not be just a wifely duty but should be equally enjoyed by both partners. I hope my hubby is still into it in his later years - with or without viagra

By Cecile Tunstead on 09/09/2009 3:32 pm