Dear Margo | 08/20/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: My Husband's Father and 'Grandma'

A mother struggles with the thought of her daughter calling to her father-in-law’s new lover ‘grandma.’

My Husband’s Father and "Grandma"

Dear Margo: My husband and I have a beautiful baby girl who is the first grandchild. Sadly, my husband’s mother, “Rose,” passed away several years ago, so our daughter will only know Grandma Rose from pictures and stories. "Frank," my father-in-law, told us only months after “Rose’s” funeral (and a 30-plus-year marriage) that he wanted our blessing to marry his old girlfriend, "Betty." Needless to say we were shocked. The situation deteriorated, and we didn’t have any contact with Frank for nearly four years. When we found out I was pregnant, my husband and I decided to make an effort to include Frank in our life again, for the sake of our daughter. We visited Frank (and Betty) while I was pregnant and brought our daughter to see them several times. They live about 90 miles from us. Frank started calling Betty "Grandma," which we ignored at first. We want our daughter to refer to her as "Betty," not Grandma, Nanna or any other special name. Both my husband and I referred to our stepgrandparents by first name. For several months, we’ve simply been calling them "Grandpa Frank and Betty" when addressing them verbally or via mail. Frank has stopped acknowledging the baby pictures we send to "Grandpa Frank and Betty." Please advise. — Irked

Dear Irk: You are sticking it to Gramps with your insistence on using his second wife’s first name. I think you are making a mistake. First names for stepparents or stepgrandparents are appropriate when the child knew the “original.” Your daughter has never known Rose, so there is no reason for her not to consider Betty her Nanna. Your making a big deal about this is punitive, and I suspect the reason is that you are still unhappy that Frank remarried so soon after losing his wife. To keep the peace, I would recommend calling this woman Cio-Cio San if that is your father-in-law’s wish. — Margo, affably

Calling Out the Gullible and the Misinformed

Dear Margo: I have wronged one of my favorite cousins. Much worse, I embarrassed her in front of her friend, for which I am sorry. I should have handled it better. I immediately wished that I had spoken with my cousin and left her friend out of it. Here’s what the cousin told me with her friend present. I asked her to repeat it, thinking my ears had deceived me. Prepare to be shocked! She said: "On page 425 of Obama’s health care bill, the federal government will require everyone who is on Social Security to undergo a counseling session every five years with the objective being that they will explain how to end their own lives. Yes, they are going to push suicide to cut Medicare spending!" I let her have it. Forgetting one’s politics, should a thoughtful person spread disinformation that clearly sounds nuts? She was very hurt that I would attack her this way. I continue to beg for her forgiveness. What do you think? — Missing My Cuz

Dear Miss: Don’t beat yourself up. Claptrap, especially of the political variety, is likely to get a rise out of most people. This nonsense about bumping off the elderly population is on a par with the belief that the CIA blew up the Twin Towers — from the inside. One would hope that your cousin would forgive your outburst, politics being a famously volatile subject. Perhaps to help things along, go online to find the administration’s response to this lunacy. If your cousin cuts you off for being correct, well, her bad. — Margo, resolutely

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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134 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Letter #1 - How spiteful & ridiculous…it’s not "Betty’s" fault, why are you punishing her & maybe "Frank" is just someone who needs to be with someone…should he sit around lonely & pining away to suit your idea of what is right? I may have not always been fond of my stepmother but she is good to my kids & we insist that they call her Nana because she is their grandmother. Grow up and quit being petty…you’re not setting a very good example.

By Terri March on 08/21/2009 7:13 am

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You are so right. After so many years of marriage, people often marry again for companionship, if nothing else. My parents were friends with an older couple, and when the husband passed away, the wife married just a few months later. Husband #2 wasn’t as attractive, or funny, or sophisticated as her first husband, and my mother never failed to mention it when out of their company. Even as a kid I thought it was very small minded. "Irked," needs to acknowledge that the earth revolves around the sun, and her fantasies about nuclear families and what makes a loving grandparent are depriving her children of the grandparents she wishes they had.

By Karleen S on 08/21/2009 9:02 am

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most ppl do not realize that a study was done years ago and don’t ask me who did or where it was done, i just remember the outcome. they said that most senior men that have been married all their lives will remarry within a year or die (not all of them, but a good percentage). but most women who widow will live a long life single. i think that men that have been married a long time don’t know how to deal with being single again and LW#1 should understand that.

my kids have a step father and they always called him by his first name. but that was because i was still worried that he might bow out of the picture and they would have gotten used to him. we did break up and he didn’t see them for a long time. but he has come back. i told him if he wanted both him AND his wife could be step grandparents to my grandson. he showed initial interest, but then declined after he talked to his wife. anyway, the point is that unless she has something against this woman (past jail record, bad habits, etc) then they should welcome her in the family even if it’s just for the fathers sake.

he is probably lonely and i suspect that LW#1 just thinks it’s disrespectful for him to have gotten married so quick. she probably loved rose like a mother and is determined to keep her up front and in the picture by punishing the father in law. it’s sad because the fact that this lady is willing to take on her step grandchild is great. she may have children and grandchildren of her own. some wouldn’t be interested in taking on somebody elses family. but obviously she is and should be respected for it. jealousy is a bitter pill. but i think LW#1 is full of it and should show more respect. it doesn’t have to be grandma, it can be something else, nana, big mama, grammy etc. margo was right on for telling her off.

By Nancy Pea on 08/23/2009 6:24 pm

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I agree with you that most people out of loneliness remarry after the death of a spouse. Sometimes it offends friends and children if the new relationship develops too soon aafter the spouse’s passing. That’s natural. What is NOT healthy is a daughter trying to keep her mother’s memory alive by rejecting her father and stepmother. I think that the father Frank should have asked his daughter what she would prefer his new wife to be called for his Granddaughter. And I believe that a name other than what her Mother would have preferred would be acceptable. The baby has never known her biological Grandmother, but there is nothing wrong in showing videos and photos to the child so that she knows who her Grandma Rose was.If her Mother would have preferred to be called Grandma Rose, then they might want to use Nana Betty or Babushka Betty or Grandmaman Betty…. or any familial term which indicates that Betty is related to this child by marriage now.

By Sharon McBride on 09/26/2009 3:59 pm

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While I agree with Margo’s advice, I can’t help but feel that some of you are being a little hard on LW#1. My parents divorced when I was a young adult, and it was very difficult. A lot of people seem to think that just because one is an adult when parents divorce, it should be somehow easier, and I don’t think it is. In fact I think it makes one call into question a lot of the individual values that are attached to love and marriage at exactly the moment when one is trying to apply them. Anyway, that said, several years later when I had my son, both of my parents had remarried and now I had all this jockeying for position around who was to be called what. My own grandfather was still alive, and my mother’s husband had a grandchild who called him the same thing that we called my grandfather (which name we were using with my son) and my mother was trying to teach my son to call her husband the name he wanted, and to change the name of my grandfather - it was a mess, and everyone has an agenda. I realize that my mother’s husband and my father’s wife are all more people to love my son, but it is just sometimes difficult to set all of those very important feelings aside about your own parents and grandparents. LW#1’s family is struggling with their feelings that Frank did not value Rose, which was their interpretation of his actions. LW#1, is there any way that you can gently talk to Frank and confess that his actions gave you the impression of X, which surely must be wrong, and get a dialogue going, perhaps his answers about Rose will put your mind at ease. Your mind at ease may engender relaxation of your rigid feelings about Betty. Anyway, good luck, and while Margo’s right, I understand your POV here.

By Kerry Sullivan on 09/03/2009 10:18 am

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I have to agree with the take on letter #1. My own father is alive and has nothing to do with his only grandchild. My step-father has never been anything but loving, nurturing and supportive of my son. My son calls him "Papa" and that’s what he is, my son’s grandfather. The letter writer and her husband may have been somewhat hurt that Grandpa Frank remarried so quickly after his wife’s passing but frankly they need to move on and quit punishing the man. After having been married for over thirty years he honestly may not know any other way to be except married. It is not up to them to approve, they only need to try to understand and move beyond the pettiness that they are exhibiting. If this woman loves their daughter and makes no distinction that she is a step-grandchild then they have no cause to make the distinction for their daughter. Parents and grandparents aren’t defined by biology alone.

By Catherine Skotzke on 08/21/2009 7:26 am

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I likes letter #2—-I haven’t read any of the health care reform bills, but I love all the misinformation that gets spread around. Apologize for hurting her feelings, and then drop it. Your cousin was wrong for spreading egregious lies, and you might have handled it better. One apology shoukd cover it.

By Mary Catherine Headley on 08/21/2009 7:33 am

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I agree with Margo on #1. The writer of that letter is being spiteful and shallow, and is punishing her own child because she doesn’t approve of her father-in-law. Her daughter deserves to have loving grandparents, and it appears that she would have them if the letter writer would learn how to be a mature adult instead of a whiny brat.

Letter writer #2 doesn’t owe the cousin anything further. My own family is full of bigoted ultra right wing conservatives who are chock full of misinformation and lies, and feel the need to spread every rumor and fake email that supports their uneducated stance. I gave up a long time ago-I delete the emails without response, and if we’re together, I calmly correct them, direct them to the sources of correct information, then leave the gathering to avoid further conflict. You’re never going to get anyone to be reasonable, so you’re better off leaving.

By Brooke Schubert on 08/21/2009 7:34 am

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I’ll agree with Letter #1 and Margo’s advice. "Grandparents" are important to children and Betty is fulfilling that role….for the child. It’s not what’s important to the grown children. It is everything about what is important to their child.

By deber B on 08/21/2009 7:41 am

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there are three kinds of family,

one you are born into

one you are married into

and one you chose.

obviously you are so blinded by your BS you won’t ever know the joy of having all 3.

If you don’t want "betty" as a "special" person - I’LL TAKE HER!! I don’t have any grandparents and would kill to have just one!

By aud b on 08/21/2009 7:47 am

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You & me both… never had a grandparent (biologic or step), so I missed out on all the "going to Grandma" things. :( This lady should just be grateful that her father-in-law is healthy enough to have a new lady in his life and allow her daughter to relish in all of the wonderful things that grandparents can do for a child!

Selfish woman. :(

By Toni H on 08/21/2009 11:18 am

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"Irked" doesn’t say how Rose died. If she lingered for months or years (through cancer, for instance), Frank’s grieving process was mostly over by the time she actually died. He may have actually felt relieved by then! It sounds, to me, like those parents are hell-bent on damaging that little girl by giving her an early lesson in "How To Be Judgmental and Spiteful".

As for the people who are passing around this "Soilent Green" conspiracy lunacy, I vote for calling them out on the spot. Confronting them with truth is not what makes them appear foolish; they’re doing that to themselves. Well done Margo…as always.

By Obediah Fults on 08/21/2009 7:59 am

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I gave birth to my son the same day we buried my mother. A year later, my father met and eventually married a wonderful woman who is my son’s grandmother. He knows he has Grandmom Kathy in heaven and that she loves him very much from there. He also knows that he has Grandmom Renie here who loves him just as much. There is no reason to penalize "Betty" because she is still here. And there is no reason the child can’t know about Rose. She is a special child to have her own angel in heaven watching out for her as well as a loving grandmother here on earth.

By Amy Kiger on 08/21/2009 8:00 am

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Agreed. My wife is in a position just like this one. She never knew her maternal Grandmother who she referred to as Grandma. The woman who stepped up and remarried her Grandfather she refers to as Grams. I find it somewhat saddening that after hearing about how so many newcomers to families sow nothing but discord, this woman is stepping up to the plate and getting shot down for something not even of her own doing.

By A Max on 08/21/2009 12:09 pm

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LW1: More common of a situation than is realized. I’ve known folks who remarried within weeks-especially when it was a long illness. One guy met his old sweetheart at the HS reunion 2 weeks after his wife of 40 years. They were inseparable from that moment on. Some women direct their men to find someone because they know they can’t survive without one. :)

By Lym BO on 08/21/2009 8:09 am