Re: #1:  The daughter needs to stick with her gut.  My mother’s BF encouraged my to have my now-husband sign a pre-nup. [He knew I was $40k in debt and he still married me.]  According to the BF, my husband wasn’t bringing anything to the table.

[My husband doesn’t make a lot of money, doesn’t own a home, or a PhD in aeronautical engineering, etc. ]

My husband is the kindest, sweetest, most humble and giving man I know.  As far as I’m concerned, that’s A LOT TO BRING TO THE TABLE.

I never made him sign a pre-nup [and he said he would have had I asked] and I don’t regret it one day.

#2: Tired Of It needs to flat out tell her co-worker that she does not want to hear her stories.  We’re all adults here.  No need to duck and dodge.  Just a tactful ‘I’m not interested’ ought to do the trick.

As to letter # 2……..There are kind ways of informing your fellow worker that the subject of her grandchildren is not always welcome to her fellow workers….I certainly don’t think it’s necessary to be rude.

Obviously this relationship with her grandchildren is what makes her life worthwhile.  The relationship between grandmothers and grandchildren is a special one.

In fact I think too much information about any one subject with your fellow workers can get monotonous…..I personally hate having to listen to all the dog and cat stories some people are always talking about.

Just my opinion….

#1,

I just came out of a relationship where I was burnt, and for a very long time.  The boyfriend sounds terrific and hardworking.

If the parents’ concern is their living together, then it’s easy enough to share proportionate expenses until he is through with school, and supporting himself.   As long as they don’t marry, or don’t live together until it’s long enough for a common-law marriage in their state, there’s no worry.  The expressed worry sounds somewhat tactful:  My mother sounded like I was getting married to Jack the Ripper, and that against her wishs, so I’ll take tact.

(My husband became progressively mentally ill over time, which is why our marriage failed.  My mother’s reaction had to do with him wanting to marry me, and nothing to do with his then very loving & responsible behavior!)

People used to marry their daughters off blithely enough, have the daughters work to put their husbands through school, only to then have the husbands divorce their wives after their degrees.

So, are these parents being racist, elitist, or just plain worried about the relationship?  I don’t know.  Do I think that the writer and her boyfriend should give themselves time?  Yes!  But, then, having been burnt myself, I’m all in favor of time, even if it only shows the parents how great a guy he is!

Cheers,

Constance in the Sierra Foothills

LW2: Does she get her job done ? Are her co-workers picking up the slack? If she is proficient at her job and has free time to talk on the phone then she should excuse herself and do it on her breaks. Employers do not pay people to be on personal phone calls. If she is interrupting your work by her stories, then tell her that you’d love to hear it but you have work to do. (DO NOT give her your personal ph #) I understand your frustration but this is something that should be brought to management if it is affecting the staff and job performance.

I’m going to DITTO what Dona said.

Head Over Heels — You sound like a really thoughtful and humble person who appreciates what you have. It’s nice that you try to take both sides into account, but I agree with Margo and the others that you are old enough to decide for yourself. Your BF’s been working full-time and has returned to school, so it sounds like he’s not a slacker at all, and maybe that’s something you can emphasize to your parents. And you can still appreciate your parents’ concern for you without being required to let them control your judgment about his qualities.

re: The Prejudice of Snobbism

Dear Margo, I believe you are assuming that the young woman’s parents are reacting with prejudice. Is it not possible that it is something they have spoken about together and come to this conclusion because of a personal experience in their own pasts? 

I would advise the young woman differently. She should invite her parents out to dinner without her man-friend in tow. A nice but unassuming restaurant is a nice neutral zone. Once there she should seek to reassure her parents that she deeply cares for them both and then move the subject onto just how much she appreciates the childhood they provided her. Next step is for her to let them both know how much she values the tools they helped her build for becomeing a mature and contributing member to the society in which they all live. Finally, she should close it off with acknowledging that she is aware all love interests don’t succeed, people make mistakes or sometimes they simply grow apart, but that she feels she will be able to cope should this ever happen to her because of the skills they have given her.

This should reassure her parents that she still values them and at the same time draw the line of personal invasion. This will allow her, in any future conversations, to steer the direction away from any subject matter she doesn’t want their intrusion into. Meanwhile, she should prepare herself just in case her parents are correct in their evaluation because there may come a day when they will be inclined to say ‘We told you so’. If she handles this in a mature manner and builds on her relationship with her family then she will benefit in that they will offer sympathy and emotional support should the worst occur instead of vindicating their position as always being correct.

Finally, a 20 year old female, or male for that matter, is not actually an adult. The brain continues to develop until around the age of 24 and the life experiences without the safe-guards of family and education are minimal.

I am happy for you to have had such a father. You are able to hold him up as the beacon of success because he did succeed. This is often not the case of average people, though. The possibility exists both for success and failure.

Dear Head Over Heels, your parents are being tools. They WANT you to marry someone who is set for life, so that you will be set for life. It usually doesn’t work out that way. Anyways, people who are "set for life" are usually unprepared for the junk that life throws at them. This guy has already been tested and his determination and responsibility are proven. Seems like a better bet than most of the 22 year olds out there.

As for the grandson stories, I like Margo’s suggestion of countering aggressively with dog stories. I love my dogs. if someone wants to talk to me endlessly about grandchildren, they’d better be braced for epic tales of what my "kids" have been up to.

LW1

You don’t have to kick the boyfriend to the curb, but you should also remember that parents have lived longer, had more life experience, and often better radar than 20-year-olds. In other words, they may "see" things about him that you cannot. On the other hand, give the guy a chance. If the two of you are cohabiting and splitting the expenses, then it should take a load off him and enable him to return to school. I wouldn’t worry unless red flags started cropping up, such as him quitting his job, borrowing money from you, or asking you to buy him things. My advice, take it slow and keep your eyes open. 

LW2

Whoa, let the boss handle this one. That’s why she gets paid! If you and other colleagues take turns letting her know the lady is sloughing off duties in lieu of phone time, she can have a one-on-one with the woman. As for what to do when she starts blabbling endlessly, try saying, "Oh, excuse me, I have something to take care of." Leave the room, go back to your desk, etc. It sounds like she has gotten overly involved in the kids’ lives, and I’d bet money she drives the boys’ mom or dad crazy too. If she ever asks or quips, "Oh, I bet you don’t want to hear all this" or something to that effect, take it as your opportunity to say in a sad tone, "Yeeeaaaah, I guess I don’t really want to talk about the boys today. Maybe later." and change the subject.

The writer of letter #1 needs to look at things from a different perspective. Her parents may not be as prejudiced as she thinks but simply concerned about her welfare. By her own admission she is 20 with no real life experience. Living with someone before you have any work life experience is a bad idea. She could end up exhausted from working, keeping house and providing fringe benefits for the boyfriend. An unplanned pregnancy could derail both their futures. She needs to live on her own without pressure from the boyfriend or the parents to grow up. If she looks back at her life she will realize that her goals and ambitions have changed considerably from the time she was ten. They will change again as she meets other people and grows mentally and emotionally.

If this man honestly loves her he will encourage her to work, travel and be sure she is ready to settle down before moving in. He will focus on his own studies so he can be there for her in the future.