I, too, have a colleague who is constantly on the phone with her kids (late teens/early 20s), micromanaging their lives.

 Tell the boss??  She IS the boss!

As always Margo you have given both great advice.

The advice that is in my opinion applicable to both writers is communication. It can be really hard to be upfront and honest with people, but after the first time you do it, it really does get easier. Because in the end, you’re only hurting yourself by keeping your opinions and beliefs to yourself. Especially as it relates to coworkers with annoying habits. I have found if you preface the statement you need to make by saying "this is just my feeling on the subject, but I feel….."  it really does not only cushion what you have to say, but it also doesn’t leave the person feeling paranoid as if the entire office is gossipping about them.

As a parent, grandmother, daughter, wife, I look at the issue of parents vs  boyfriend from different angles. And, I always refer to my maxim: "What is done in the name of love," and I used it ironically.

 As parents who contributed to the well being of their daughter, including paying for her education and supporting her until she graduates from college and begins a career, they do have the right and responsibility to state their view on her choices and behavior; however, they also must realize that she is reaching adulthood and will make her own choices, some of them bad, some good. It is part of parenthood to help our children function beyond the family home.  However, the conclusons they draw about about this young man are based on fears, not experience or knowledge.  And, as a parent, I don’t agree that parents always know best; their experience may be limited or non-existent, and they were her age in a different time. Living longer is not a key to wisdom; it often inhibits people who focus on their own choices, and they remain closed minded.

 As for the daughter,  at 20, she has much to learn about herself and the men she meets, so jumping into a live in arrangement might be premature. Nowadays, women, young and of all ages, realize that they have to explore their own options before landing in a place shared with a partner/spouse/boyfriend. Living apart, establishing one’s own home, whether temporary or not, and becoming self-supporting are primary goals. Also, her transformation from  dependence to independence will help the young man, who, too, has to take care of his own needs, financial, educational, and otherwise, before sharing a home, expenses, or anything else with a novice at independence.

I speak from experience: I had to support myself from the age of 18, pursue a college education on my own at a time when the word "dropout" was not even mentioned, though I did have to interrupt my studies many times because of finances & jobs. At 21, I had my own apartment, and to this day, I am grateful for having done so, and this was at a time when good, religious girls did not do that sort of thing at all.

 My husband, an immigrant who came to the US for education with little funds, also coped with finding his way by working and attending college, so that when we met, older than the writer, we  faced great challenges. With no parental support, and certainly no government loans or any other kind, we managed to reach our professional and family goals, so I know it can be done. She may be dazzled by hardship, but has experienced little; I suggest she "take it slow."

And, in this case, I do not think that love alone and attraction are a sound basis for becoming attached. It is also at time to meet other men, to learn about others and oneself, and of course, to try to establish a bond with this young, hardworking man.

 Also, as a daughter, I’d suggest not using terms like "racist"  about one’s parents; it may be true, but they live in a world different from the next generation’s, and it does not facilitate dialogue or understanding to malign them. I faced that, too, with my parents, and won’t go into the details, but I’d recommend using another tactic. 

Acquiring a degree, getting a job in these perilous financial times, getting to know the young man better are priorities. It is not a matter of how successful he will be, because success is an overused term in the U.S., and even those who work hard and  are determined to "succeed" may not. Success means different things to different people.

The best thing for the present is not to rush into marriage or anything else, and if possible, to forge a bond with parents and boyfriend—-while focusing on reaching one’s goals. 

 Case #2: As a grandmother, I, too,  focus on the grandchildren, but please, not at work, because phone calls and long conversations are not permissible. All a colleague can do is end the conversation quickly, tell the grandmother it would be better to discuss  this after work or at another time, and if brave, do inform her that everyone is working, but phone calls are only for business. It takes a bit of courage to inform the blabber mouth granny, but it’s helpful. Otherwise, she may think the workplace is her living room.. 

Letter 1 - I am not married but worked in the sub prime auto financing and saw cases where the bf or husband got a car. They would take off with car and leave them in the lurch.

Also as to the advice about the pre nup, it would be in your best interest to protect yourself. What after he got his schooling and you supported him, he might change you in for someone else. I am not saying that he would but it is a possiblity.

If you are living together, make sure you are both on the lease or rental agreement. Also do not get joint credit or bank accounts since there is no legal way to get the debt or money repaid other then yourself if he does not pay.

He might be a great person and you might not have any issues with him at all but it pays to protect yourself.

Watch Judge Judy, she has cases where the boyfriend or girlfriend do not repay.  

As to letter 2 - it is possible that the woman has no friends and is trying to use her co-workers to meet their needs. This is not the right thing to do but you and your co-workers need to take this to the boss to see if this can be stopped. 

LW#1: As we all know, these stories are generally one-sided. In playing Devil’s advocate, I have to ask if there is any merit to what her parents are saying. Answer this: has she given her BF any money for anything? If so, has he been prompt in paying her back? Has he shown signs that he’s taking advantage of her? Has he ever been social with her parents, her friends? If he is an upstanding young man, I would hope that in time the parents will see it as clearly as she does. Aside from everything, remember that they do love you.

And if I may, let me relate my own story: when I was younger, I too dated a Latino man who came from a lower-income family. My parents reacted the same way, that I was too good for him and that he would drag me down, blah, blah, blah. I reacted the same way as LW#1, insisting that they were prejudice and wrong. Well, over time, I came to see that they were right about his lack of maturity, ambition and direction, and the fact that he never minded me paying for everything, something I did not see at the time. Believe me, love can be blind if not comatose.

#1: I would have a frank talk to them about what and how they say things. You have had a good life and it looks like you’re on your way to staying their. This young man has not. But that ALSO doesn’t make him a bad person or a moocher/coattail rider. By your letter, you describe a great mother. And we all know that parents try very hard to raise well behaved kids who can contribute to the world. It looks as if your beau is a good man. Ask your parents if he did something to make them think otherwise? Are your parents being racists? Is that their way of just protecting you from a relationship that to them they can’t understand (the smart beauty and the not-so-educated guy- it happens and sometimes it works and other times it doesn’t- it depends on the people) You can only find those out by talking to them. I know that there is a feeling of obligation to listen to their advice because they gave you everything, even the opportunities you are in. But they are your parents. They were going to give you the best possible life like any other parent(s). They can’t really HOLD that against you. And hopefully they won’t. Have the talk. Tell them what a great person he is and that the opinions their spewing out are hurtful and ignorant. I hope it won’t have to come to choosing one or the other because that would be a hard one here. There is nothing worse than a classist/racists. And nothing even worse than choosing sides. Best of luck to you!

#2 I agree with Margo!!

#1.  My husband grew up as a migrant worker in a Mexican family.  He endured incredible poverty (literally living in corrugated metal huts and tents throughout his childhood) but still managed (without any family help) to educate himself to the PhD level.  He is now a psychologist with his own practice and has helped hundreds of people to live better lives.

I imagine your parents would have shunned him, too, had they known him in his earlier days.  Many did.  But this was their loss, because a more wonderful, intelligent, compassionate man does not exist on this earth.

I have two beautiful granddaughters.  I love them dearly, but I never, ever talk about them to other people.  Why?  Because I really don’t think people are interested in my grandchildren.  I’m not interested in theirs, so why should they be interested in mine?  I don’t carry around their pictures, either.  And when people shove their grandkids’ photos in my face, I take a quick glance and hand them back.

I don’t know why people are so obsessed with their grandchildren.  Don’t they have anything better to talk about?  There are millions of wonderful things in the world that are far more interesting.