wow. i get to be the first to answer. cool!

okay LW#1: your mother has the right to be laid to rest any way she wants to be and you should honor her way. how would you like it if you wanted to have a big fancy expensive funeral and had saved all your money just for that and then they cremated you and threw you in the ocean? the whole point is to give them what they want. after you have done what her wishes are, then have a memorial service for her with your friends, family and her friends. there is no need for the body to be present. you can still grieve with family and friends.

i saw a special on 20/20 a few years ago that was talking about how expensive funerals are and how most ppl cannot afford it. they talked about all kinds of funerals and they had a frank discussion about donating your body to science as they really need cadavers for research and teaching hospitals. the body if donated is first screened for any donations (if the person requests it) eyes, skin for grafts and organs for transplant. 

then the cadaver is shipped to hospital/research center/etc and they use it for one calendar year. at the end of that year, they then cremate the remains and ship them to the next of kin at their cost. i said WHOO HOOO. this is the way to go for me. i told my kids about it and they were fine with it. even tho i have many illnesses maybe they could use my body to see what they can do to cure those illnesses. i think that maybe this old body can do for somebody else, that i couldn’t do for myself. at least my death will serve some purpose, helping save lives. that means something to me.

you might ask her what she wants done with her body IF no institution will take it. then she will probably be happy to let you have what you want. but remember the body is only a shell. i told my kids to get all our friends and family together and have a party, play MY favorite tunes and LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH! some might think i’m looney for wanting that. but i want ppl to remember the fun they had with me and making ppl laugh is one of my most favorite pastimes. the soul has left that shell of a body and so there is no need for it to be at a memorial service. in fact after my mother was cremated and thrown over the farralon islands (at her request) i had two different memorial services at her friends request. one in san francisco and one in san jose (at two different kingdom halls of jehovahs witnesses). they both were packed and she wasn’t even there. so just do as she wants and then have your own memorial. i doubt she will care and you don’t even have to tell her. what is most important now is to make her last days easier by not fighting with her over this. she probably would just like to pass in peace.

LW#2: i agree with you totally. you are not a stick in the mud b/c you chose rightfully NOT to sit around with a bunch of teenagers drinking and doing drugs. it would be hard for me to not call the police on them. but most would just say live and let live. the fact that you both know this friend of your bf’s is doing all this stuff should make you want to cut off communications with him totally. obviously the guy is trash and is aiding and abetting corruption of minors, not to mention sexual seduction or statuatory rape of a minor (depends on the state). the guy sounds like a total sleeze. run and take your bf with you as fast as you can! he is no friend! 

Surprise me

Good one.

I strongly believe that one follows  a dying person’s request. I may not agree with it, but it is a sign of respect and devotion, and in my family, which is mixed, I did, indeed, have an Orthodox funeral for my mother, and my children and I arranged what we called a sensational send off for their father who was  Presbyterian and a immigrant to the U.S. I even found a minister who had known my husband’s overseas family, which was not easy to do, and we held the funeral according to his religion’s rituals.

It may be true that funerals and mourning periods, with which I’m familiar, because I was brought up in a religious Jewish home, are for the survivors, but we have a responsibility toward those we love to do what is required and asked for. I am not observant though I know the burial rituals, such as the cleansing of the body, the hiring of a night mourner to remain with the body until burial,the use of a pine box, and other details, and I honored my mother by following them strictly, and also sat shiva for her. However we disagreed during her lifetime, she knew that I would do as she asked.

I cannot imagine and certainly don’t approve of others interfering with the decision a person makes about his/her funeral; we’d call that chutzpah, and it’s not a compliment! 

As for calling it selfishness to make a request to hold a funeral in a specific manner, whether it is a donation to science, cremation, religious rituals, or whatever is desired, it is absurd for survivors to make demands on their own behalf.  Mourning is inevitable whether rituals are or are not observed. When we say "Rest in peace," that means we have respected the deceased’s decisions.