Dear Margo: Your answer to #1 was hilarious––that "not wrapped real tight" said it all. Game boy infatuation makes one wonder whether reality just takes long vacations or it wasn’t there from the get go. 

#2 Papa sounds like a phony poop. It also sounds as if his offspring might be a little too eager to pull that plug on their children’s Grandpa. 

Boy Margo, you do get a lot of these "online romance" letters don’t you?

I find it amazing that people can develop love (or hate) for someone online they have never met. Someone who is nothing more than an avatar. And like you said, she has no idea "who" this person really is. It could be a pimply faced teen or as you said an elderly woman living out a fantasy for a book idea. It really does speak to a person’s sanity if they can develop emotions over someone they have never meant.

As for letter #2, this really makes me sad. We all have memories from childhood that on some level affect our lives as adults. I know MANY men and women whose personalities are formed by issues they had growing up. What I find sad are those who are in their 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and beyond that go to their graves with unresolved issues. There is some pathology at play with letter # 2’s father in regard to connecting with those he loves. It comes from somewhere, it didn’t just happen. The necessity to be loved by the masses, but not care how he is received by those closest to him is telling.

But, your response to her was dead on. It is what it is, and she can’t control it. She can only accept it for what it is when that time comes. She doesn’t say whether she has ever sat down with him to share her concerns (as I know I would have) if she hasn’t, I would suggest she do that. I’m a big believer in not leaving anything unsaid in life to those we care for. 

It seems his wife was asking for his permission to have this inappropriate relationship with her online friend.  He should have seen the red flag when she asked if he minded.  I think counseling could help and also getting up and getting OUT away from the internet.  It can become an addiction just like any other addictive substance or behavior.  Some people don’t realize they are addicted.  She needs to try to return to the real world, find a job and get away from the computer.

Ltr #1

Wow.. all is not lost.  it is just a stern wake up call.   The woman is in love with a fantasy, and idea… not a real person.  This is just telling you that the marriage is falling apart and needs to be repaired.  Think about it, any sane person knows that when you try to make your fantasy world a reality, it is a huge disapointment.  Now if both of you put 100% in to repairing your marriage though counceling, you will be successfull and probably better off then you ever were.  But, if one of you doesn’t not put in 100% - eh.. start looking for a lawyer.

Ltr#2

Bring an i-pod and listen to really soothing music… hopefully it will distract you from all the verbal BS that will be flowing that day. 

But in all seriousness, I am really sorry you are going through this….It is one of those challenges that will prove your character to yourself and your conscience.  I know you will do the right thing.

 and dont forget your ipod.

LW#1 - It’s something you see all too often in the gamer community.  And with honesty to those that painted all gamers as geeks with no lives, well, it’s a pretty big group to paint with one brush stroke.  I’ve played with father/son teams, doctors, lawyers, nurses, other parents, and even high school and college "kids" from different backgrounds and countries even so it’s like comparing apples to freight trains in some cases!

To this woman, she needs a wake up call… but doing anything like cutting her accounts or computer access honestly could have some ugly backlash.  I’d personally install a key logger on her computer and save that information for divorce court.  Chances are if she’s "in love" with the other guy it’s beyond just in game chat and/or ventrilo/teamspeak and into emails, webcams and other forms of out of game communication.

She’s getting everything she needs and wants and hurting the one person she should care for above her game.  It’s just going to continue until the dream is shattered with that one person when the grass doesn’t turn out to be greener.  The damage will be there and how much time on eggshells should he have to spend before those old wounds are opened up if and when it happens again.  Gaming addiction is an ugly monster to deal with and I wish him the best in finding the right path to take.  I know letting go could be hard but being a door mat shouldn’t be an option.

To those questioning "falling" for someone online… I’d be curious if this guy is a guild mate or just a random gamer.  My guild I’ve known some of them for over 10 years and we’ve gone from one game to another and stuck together.  I’ve met a lot of them in person for conventions and they honestly are part of my family.  We’re there for joys with new children being born, or weddings and even graduations of some of the kids that we’ve been watching grow up for years…. and likewise there for support when someone falls ill or loses another family member.  

To LW#2 - Can only wish you peace getting through that day when it comes. 

I am in utter shock LW#1 - No I dont play online games but I do blog and Im sorry but I don see falling in love with someone you have never seen.  Yes there are plenty of people who have met online, fell in love and are now married but somewhere before that, they had to meet and really get to know one another. 

Margo this is another topic I happen to agree with you about….Wow, were on a roll!

Letter #1.  I find it interesting that many of us don’t remember the power of the written word.  Has everyone forgotten love letters.  When my wife and I were courting, during the work day we would communicate by e-mail.  Most of the e-mails were love letters or love notes.  We drove each other crazy with anticipation, but it was exciting and we couldn’t wait to get in to each others arms.  We were also good friends and we had known each other for six years before our romance began and the computer phase of our commincation began.  We still occasionally send love notes to each other via e-mail.  That being said, I in no way condone the actions of the gamers romance here because she at least is in a committed relationship.

I play duplicate bridge on-line and I have one regular partner that I play with every Tuesday after work.  She is a good player and we enjoying the game and the competition.  I play often with women, but the key here is having good boundaries.  Maybe that is what the gamers need to learn.

I really liked what someone said about last weeks letter, that any communication you have on line should be able to be read by your spouse.

Letter #2.  I am guessing I am about the same age as the letter writer.  I am a baby boomer and there are a few things I have learned about my generation and my parents generation.  There were two unspoken rules in the house I grew up in.  The first was do as I say not as I do.  There are some implications to the 1st rule such as you are to young to know or do that and you are not good enough because you don’t do what I say.  The second rule was what goes on inside the house is not talked about or displayed outside the house.  In other words we might have appeared to be the model family outside the house, but inside the house there could be some abusive behavior going on.  I mean this as more of an insights that I have gained.  Take what you like and leave the rest.  I understand where you are coming from.

Way back when in the mid 90’s, when AOL was just becoming popular, a girl friend of mine met a guy online.  It was so shocking because she had been (on the outside at least) totally devoted to her family.  She up and moved to the other side of the country, left her daughter, job, and husband.  I spoke with her a couple of times and she wasn’t happy.  LW #1’s wife needs to do a reality check.  HOpefully, the will go into counselling and figure it out before she takes off to be with, as Walter puts it, Gameboy. 

I don’t understand letter number 2.  Funerals are never for the dead, they’re for the living.  And in this case, if he was a jerk, then don’t go!  and be sure to tell each and every single person what a domineering jerk he was.  Why are people so afraid to tell the truth and maintain some sort of fake image? 

As for letter number one, I am reminded of the scene in Joy Luck Club when the mother visits the mousy daughter with the overbearing husband and demands she "know her own worth".  Him waiting on his wife for an answer is just so very sad.