Dear Margo | 08/06/2009 11:00 pm
Dear Margo: An Unfortunate Draw in the Parent Lottery
A son whose parents have discovered he is gay
— and have shunned him because of it — is having suicidal thoughts.
Margo Howard’s bright advice …
An Unfortunate Draw in the Parent Lottery
Dear Margo: At the beginning of the school year, I changed schools, leaving behind a snarky ex-girlfriend named "Anna" (left over from when I was still pretending to be straight). About a month ago, I met up with Anna at a party to which I brought my boyfriend, "Eli." It was then that she learned I was gay. Our breakup wasn’t a friendly one, and she thought I was trying to mock her by showing up with a boy, so she decided to get revenge. When I got home around midnight, my father began screaming and waving around a piece of paper. "What the hell is this?" he yelled. It was a picture of Eli and me kissing. I finally came out to him because after he saw the picture there was no point in denying it any longer. He told me to get out of the house, so I drove to Eli’s house and stayed there. I went home in the morning because my mother called Eli’s parents wanting to know where I was. Since then, my mother refuses to speak to me and my father takes every opportunity to tell me I’m not really gay … and if I am, I will be the downfall of the family. I am either being shunned or yelled at, and the only thing keeping me from suicide is Eli because I could not leave him alone like that. I don’t know what to do. — Ostracized and Fearful
Dear Os: I don’t know whether Eli’s family is a possibility, but the thing to do is move in with a friend’s family until your parents calm down. Such living arrangements are more common than you might think. It is sad when parents are so benighted that they feel this way, but it does happen, and it is happening to you. Stop thinking about suicide. That is only a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If no friend’s family steps up to the plate, I suggest you go to your church or school counselor for aid and advice. You can do this — and your life will seem "normal" again. — Margo, assuredly
Give Yourself Permission!
Dear Margo: I am 59 and have been married to my husband since I was 20. He is 12 years my senior. We have three children and eight grandchildren. We still love each other and do a lot of things together. However, for the last two years, I have been losing interest in the things he enjoys the most. I know my problem started in the beginning when I did everything he wanted … attending sporting events, going fishing, spending time at our lake cottage, etc. We actually own three cottages, and there is so much work involved, like putting out the piers and the boats, plus working at the socials the association has. (And somehow, seven years ago, I got roped into being secretary for the association.) I am tired of it. I’ve reached the point where I want to do what makes me happy, and that is staying home and spending time with my grandchildren. The problem is that I feel I’m betraying my husband. He still goes to the lake by himself, and we talk every night when he is gone. I hate to admit it, but I enjoy the time alone. I don’t like feeling guilty over this. Can I be a little selfish? — Sandy
Dar Sand: It is not selfish, after 30 years, to want to withdraw from socials, boats, cottages, sporting events, fishing, etc. You have put in your time, my dear. It sounds as though your husband is good with your choices, so give yourself permission to hang with the grands and enjoy some time to yourself. (I love time alone, and I didn’t even have to undo from socials, boats, cottages, sporting events, fishing, etc.). — Margo, peacefully
***
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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124 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
i totally agree with you both on most points. i mean if you aren’t interested in having them bring home their friends, then how can you know they are hanging with the right ppl. i mean i was always active in my kids lives and still am even tho they are in their 30’s. for this they respect me and go to me with their problems. not a lot of parents can say that. because of this my daughter is letting me help her raise my grandson. i think parents should play a greater role in their childrens lives, that way the know what is going on. when my disabled son got on the wrong bus one day and didn’t make it to school (he was in his late teens, but still disabled mentally) he ended up in san francisco at the downtown bus depot (a very scary place sometimes even in the daytime) b/c he got on an express bus.
when i had the police come out to do a missing persons report (he wasn’t at school and when i called this teacher asked how he was) he was surprised that i knew exactly what my son was wearing. while we were still taking the report my son came thru the door with his story. he would have been home sooner. but the next bus was a stop every corner bus and took forever. it was then that the police officer noted that i had everything down to T. he even complimented me on that. so i’m a little overbearing. but my childrens safety is involved and now they watch out for me. we are loving and close. something the parents of the gay boy will never have and it’s probably to late to change it, now that harsh words and actions have been played out.
Lubna: I am wondering what many Wiccan rituals were "later" incorporated into Christianity since the Wicca practices were initiated in 1954. See below:
The origins of Wicca are much debated. Gerald Gardner brought the religion to public attention in the early 1950s. He claimed that, after returning to England on his retirement from a career spent in Asia, he encountered a coven of witches located in the New Forest in southern England, (the "New Forest coven") and was initiated into it. In line with the popular Witch-cult hypothesis, he claimed that the religion practised by the coven was a survival of a pagan religion of pre-historic Europe, known as Witchcraft to its adherents. Subsequently fearing that the religion would die out,[58] he published details of its beliefs and practices in a series of books: his novel High Magic’s Aid (1949) and his non-fiction works Witchcraft Today (1954) and The Meaning of Witchcraft (1959). These books helped to attract many new initiates to a coven that he formed, the London-based Bricket Wood coven.
I’m just saying that if what the kid is into conflicts with the parents’ beliefs, it is within their rights to limit what the kid does in that regard IN THEIR OWN HOME.
Just as parents are within their rights to monitor whether their minor children drink alcohol, smoke or use drugs; and to monitor what sorts of programs they watch, what books they read, and what websites they visit.
The parents may even push the kid out with some of their rules, but that’s true even if their only rule is "don’t smoke pot in bed."
For the vast majority of people with a gay child- there are "hints" and "feelings" that the child might be gay long before s/he comes out. If his parents didn’t at least have a slight suspicion that his being gay was a possibility, it was because they didn’t want to know. So I have no sympathy for them "reacting" (badly, at that) to something that they could have been preparing themselves for. And I will never, EVER have sympathy for a parent who throws their own child out of the house simply because of the gender of the people they were born (choice, my butt) to be attracted to.
"Scum" is not really accurate in this situation. Disappointed, angry, confused, upset—even embarrassed, maybe.
This wide world is full of folks who believe differently and have different expectations.He probably does need to go stay somewhere until his parents are able to calm themselves.
I’m not sure I’d recommend that he stay at the boyfriend’s house though. For one, we probably wouldn’t recommend that a girl go live with her boyfriend, or vice versa had they been caught being sexually active. In this case, I think if a third party could be arranged, that might be best. It would allow the two teen boys emotional space from each other too. If one thing is sure, teen love burns hot, and even the two guys will need space to decompress from each other.
Good for you for writing Margo. She is an excellent advice columnist and generally has good, pragmatic suggestions. The other commentors’ suggestions to contact a gay/lesbian organization are also very good. I hope you’ll find not only concrete assistance but the support of people who have survived similar situations.
Whatever you do, please hang in there. Time is on your side. As Margo said, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. These sorts of situations, where parents refuse to accept who their kids are or view it as catastrophic in some way, are hellish. Time does march on, though, and even if parents retain their mindsets, one’s financial and emotional dependence on them ebbs away. I know this firsthand, having been harassed and threatened over religious issues and imaginary misdeeds almost thirty years ago.
Great response, Tanya. Margo proves again and again that she sees clearly and offers very practical, humane advice. I, too hope that Ostracized is reading these comments. There are so many excellent suggestions, and I hope Os will find the path that is best. It will be a difficult path, and one that will be full of ruts and bumos, and it may wind through some dark places, but there are many good LGBT organizations that can help a young person navigate the trail.
I am just appalled that the ex-girl"friend" outed Os! And once he has the immediate need of securing his living situation in hand, and is beginning the long, arduous process with his parents, I hope that he will be able to confront this young woman and let her know exactly how harmful, hurtful and hateful her behavior to him was. She precipitated a crisis in Os’s life FAR out of proportion to whatever anger she may have felt when she saw him with his boyfriend. If this was what she chose to do, then Os is well rid of her, but she needs to be held accountable for her visciousness. Unless that young lady has been living in a bubble, she MUST have realized that she was putting Os in a place where anything could happen. And if that was her intention, I invite her to chez moi for a nice cup of hot, steaming reality tea and a boot in the butt.
"I am just appalled that the ex-girl"friend" outed Os!"
Okay, look at the GF’s point of view. She’s still young - apparently in high school. She dates a guy she later finds out is gay. Her classmates probably gave her a hard time about it once they found out. And he really was using her. She could have been dating someone else, who WAS interested in her as a girlfriend, instead of just pretending he was straight to keep from dealing with his own classmates.
I would like to know how old the boyfriend is. If he’s a similar age, it’s one thing. If he’s several years older, that’s something else entirely. There’s no difference between a 25-year old man preying on a 17-year old boy and a 25-year old man preying on a 17-year old girl. In most cases, the adult is just using the kid. Of course, kicking the kid out is certainly no way to protect him from those who would harm him.
Ltr #1 Please don’t hurt yourself. Margo is right, there are organizations that can help you. I had a less than perfect homelife and when I went to my school counselor they ended up helping me get immancipated, bought me clothes and food! I was amazed. They even helped me get into the JTPA, Job Training and Partnership Act so that I could work and go to school part time and still graduate. Please do some research and find what programs are available to you. I hope that your parents will come around but be ready if they don’t. Some counseling sounds like it would help you too. Don’t give up and stay true to your heart.
Ltr #2 Don’t feel guilty that you enjoy different things than your husband. I doubt he’d want you doing something you didn’t find fulfilling plus this way you each have stories to tell each other about the time you had apart. Enjoy your grandchildren and let your husband enjoy his own hobbies.
Sandy, I don’t know how you’ve stayed sane for 39 years. You sound like an introvert, somebody who needs time alone to recharge (introverts are not anti-social). Reading your letter makes me glad that I told my husband before we got married that I had to have time alone. Now, he understands when I insist on it. He likes his time alone, too.
We each bring different activities to our relationship. We’re not joined at the hip, and I’ve never felt the need to go on fishing trips, sports events, or play golf with him. That’s his time with his guy friends or our son.
I send much symapthy to the young man in letter # 1 but was also disturbed at how he compartmentalized this young woman ex-gf ("snarky"…from when he was pretending to be straight) and how he perceives her. Having once myself been the "ex" in some other young gay man’s sham of pretending to be straight, I can say this young woman (and her heart)was treated/used as part of a facade without her permission or awareness. This creates a great deal of damage for her since she was looking for an actually available hetero bf partner. She likely feels used, mocked, and disrespected as a female…I know I did. There was a lot of sexual and relationship dysfunction put on me and my young psyche by this former "pretend he’s straight" young man. So maybe this young woman was quite traumatized at being used and discarded so cavalierly. It does not excuse her "outing" him to his parents in the way that she did, but I think there is a lot more to his story about her and how she ended up doing what she did than he is looking honestly at or telling Margo. "Just sayin"…
Regarding him and being suicidal: that is a bit dramatic and this young man needs some serious counseling to help with a) successfully "coming out" and also independence from a dysfunctional family and b) his very troubling quick default mechanism to a very extreme choice: suicide.
As for his parents, they are being horrible and need to get over it, and get real about the world and about their son. If more people were OK with other sexual orientations besides hetero, we would have less emotionally damaged/disturbed gay and lesbian people because they would not have had such hell "coming out" as they grew up…and less chance for heterosexuals being used as camouflage.
About how he speaks of his ex- you should also take into consideration that 1) she’s an ex-girlfriend (I’ve seen people say much worse about ex’s after the relationship was said and done), 2) he doesn’t say anything that bad about her (some people consider "snarky" a compliment, though I don’t think that’s how he’s using it here, and note that he only says that their breakup wasn’t friendly. He doesn’t blame her or name-call or say anything really nasty), and 3) he wrote this letter at a point in time when he had every right to be extremely angry at her, seeing as she got him thrown out of the house, but still manages to keep it pretty civil.
I’m sorry you were "used" by a closeted-gay boyfriend in the past, but please try to look at it from the point of view of a gay teen (I’m not saying this happens in all cases and it may be completely off-base when it comes to this boy’s situation but…) Many of them are pressured by both their peers and their parents to date. It’s considered the "normal" thing to do as a teen and, in many circles, if you don’t date people will start to think you’re strange or that something’s wrong with you. Since the gay teen in question usually can’t date who they really want to without facing parental abandonment, social ostracization, and possible physical/mental/emotional violence, they have no choice but to involve someone of the opposite sex. They don’t enjoy the lie and they usually feel a great deal of guilt over using someone in this matter but, as is the case here, appearing heterosexual can literally be necessary for survival.