Dear Margo | 11/20/2009 6:30 am
Dear Margo: When Dad/Gramps Just Ain't Interested
When Dad/Gramps Just Ain’t Interested
Dear Margo: By his choice, my father-in-law, "Herman," has had little to do with my wonderful family. He is a negative, toxic individual whom I don’t trust, given his manipulative and abusive behavior. When his wife finally moved out some years ago, Herman did as he had long ago threatened: He cut off contact with his son (but not his daughter). He seems to have a particular dislike for me, most likely because I don’t play along with his unacceptable, hurtful conduct. Happily, our family has a very close relationship with my parents, who lovingly dote on their grandchildren.
My children are now in fourth and first grades, and they’ve met Herman only once or twice that they can remember. I personally see little to be gained by reaching out to Herman, but I’m concerned my husband and/or children may have later regrets if he kicks the bucket. My husband says he doesn’t care; my son is now asking questions about his grandfather. Just how honest should I be with my son? And is it truly best to let nasty sleeping dogs lie? — Preferring the Status Quo
Dear Pre: Forget about the bucket. I am on record, somewhat controversially, as being in favor of lopping off anyone, relative or friend, who can be judged "abusive and toxic." What is the point of absorbing punishment just so things look "normal"? As for your son, without a lot of detail, simply tell him that the other Grandpa is kind of grouchy and not very friendly to anyone, which is OK, because everybody can’t like everybody. — Margo, simply
Better Not To Creep Out Your Mother
Dear Margo: I am struggling with my mother’s distaste for tattoos. I have several in places that are easily covered by clothing, so they would never disrupt my chances of getting a job. Another reason they are easily covered is because my mother is still unaware of them. Her Jewish faith states that the body should not be desecrated; therefore, one cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery if they have tattoos. I got them to help me overcome fears and was fully aware of the Jewish prohibition. They do not interfere with my faith. She also told me I would be shunned for a lifetime, were I to get any.
I am positive that the repercussions of telling her would not fade over time. On the other hand, she instilled in me the belief that pride should be taken in everything I choose to do. I would love to share my pride in the tattoos with her, but I’m concerned about losing her forever. She only stands to discover them if she is present with me while I’m birthing a child, which is several years away. Should I bite the bullet and risk losing her, or keep my secret? — Happily Inked College Girl
Dear Hap: To share with you the opinion of that sage Kelly Osbourne, now 25: She regrets having the tatts and would love to get rid of them. But because you already have yours, we can skip over that one. Given what you say about your mother’s feelings, I see no point in revealing your body decorations to her. You are just asking for trouble. I suggest you show your pride in the artwork to your girlfriends. Oh, and when the time comes, keep your mother out of the delivery room. — Margo, prudently
***
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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143 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
To no: 2
It is not just your mothers Jewish faith but yours too. According to Jewish law anyone born to a Jewish mother is of the Jewish faith so whether or not you are a practicing Jewess is immaterial, you are still Jewish.
To be of faith means one believes/has faith in that particular religion. It sounds as if she is not currently practicing Judaism since she places the religious descriptor on her mother. She may be of Jewish heritage, but not faith.
I find it intersting that a woman can convert to Judaism & then one’s children are "Jewish". THis is likely off base, but if the Jews are limiting their clan to those who have descended from the "chosen ones" then those who marry into & change faith of their own volitions aren’t truly the "chosen ones" since they aren’t true descendants of those from centuries ago. . Am I misunderstanding something here?
Yeah, you’re misunderstanding something. People can and do convert to Judaism. It’s discouraged to a point because it is a big deal - Jews don’t go trying to convert other people and they discourage people who might be converting on a whim. But if you’re willing to go through the conversion, you’ll be a Jew.
However, if your mother was Jewish, and you choose to be a Jew, you don’t even have to convert. It’s a matrilineal heritage and part of Jewishness being part of a faith AND a culture AND a racial identity. While other religions may have only a religious component, being Jewish has traditionally encompassed a bit more than that, and some cultures are matrilineal.
#1 can you let your son meet his gramps just one more time? after the visit, ask him if he still wants to see gramps next time then go from there whatever his answer is. what if he’s a changed man?
#2 if tattoos are really a big deal with your family, i think you should tell your mom. its better she hears it from you than from someone else or by accident.
I would think there’s too much potential danger to let the son meet his grandfather again. You’d be suprise how much damage a truly harmful individual can inflict in just one visit.
LW#1- If your children want to connect with their grandfather once they’re adults- fine. However, as of right now you’re in charge of protecting them and, knowing your f-i-l as you do, you should know better. I’ve heard stories of my abusive paternal grandfather (who is still alive) and I’ve never met him, nor do I want to meet him. If the grandfather dies before the kids can get to know him, they’ll probably harbor a fonder image of him than the family who actually had a relationship with the guy.
We need to find a way to, say, stick them in a cage and just poke them with a stick a couple times- that way we can give our kids the lesson without the possibly of the grandparents scarring them for life somehow.
Of course, exposure to bad grandparents is a pet peeve of mine, seeing as my mother saw fit to have me visit (supervised, mostly) my maternal grandfather several times, only for me to find out after his death that he had a history of getting drunk and "handsy" with the little girls of the family. Realizing now how close I could have come to be victimized by my own grandparent (my mother said she kept an eye on him but she wasn’t around 24/7 on those visits) has made me extra leery of it when it comes to other children.
LW#1 - my father was extremely abusive (Mentally and Physically). My son was his only grandson. After the birth of my 2nd daughter, I began to see him starting the same patterns of him praising my son, buying him gifts, while totally ignoring my daughter. The last time he saw her, she was 3. That was 14 years ago. He passed away this last April, 2 days after I called to wish him Happy Birthday. He was 94.
I always let my children know their grandfather was abusive and that was why we did not have contact with him. I ended up limiting phone calls to Christmas and his Birthday, and even then there were times when I resorted to letters instead if he had been particularly verbally abusive in previous phone calls.
I had reached out to him numerous times in the course of my life, to finally accept he wouldn’t change, couldn’t change and that for MY family, and my health and OUR peace, I needed to limit toxic exposure.
My children had another wonderful grandfather in their lives, my husband’s father, who also passed away this year, in July. I am still mourning him.
I mourned the loss of my birth father decades ago.
My children have also heard wonderful stories about the things my father did. The orphans he saved during 3 wars, the books he wrote, the important work he did. He truly did great things. He just was not a "good" man.
My children now past 20 and 17, understand humans aren’t all good or bad. That brilliant, talented people can have a darker side. That they can be both generous and violent. And to understand the best thing we can do for ourselves is to not tolerate the ugliness in our lives, to learn from it, to set healthy limits and to move on, without hating them,
just hating what they do.
There will be time as the letter writer’s children grow older to explain all the complexities and nuances, if she so desires. She needs to first protect them. Then help them understand. So they know it’s not "them", it’s him.
To letter #2, honesty is always the best policy, always.
I personally dislike tattoos. My 29 year old niece who I am so close to I look at as a daughter, has numerous tattoos. All of which I hate. I warned her when she had one put on her chest of a man she was dating that she would regret it one day, pleading with her not to do it. And as I predicted years later she had it tattooed over into an image making the comment "putting a man’s name on your body is stupid and immature" Duh, what did Auntie Bee say in the first place? :-)
As a Jewish person, you knew very well what the beliefs were surrounding tattoos, you just didn’t care….be honest. You’re young and like my niece, you want to live your own life, on your own terms. But the mere fact you are questioning what your mother will says says you are not quite a woman, not quite ready to truly live life on your own terms. So with that said I would think you should tell your mother and let the chips fall where they may. Deal with the results of her response.
Everything in life happens for a reason, this could be a wonderful opportunity to practice asserting yourself and confronting your mother and your religion on an issue that is considered important to the Jewish faith.
What’s going on with you Margo? Lately your advice to your readers is to be dishonest and evasive.
Despite being only 22, I, personally, highly dislike tattoos as well. Your statement rings true. She said her mother taught her to have pride in everything she does, but having to hide her tattoos from her mom, like a child who’s taken a cookie they weren’t suppose to eat, smacks of anything but pride.
Except that if the LW is going to lose her mother forever (her words, not mine) for something as trivial as having a tattoo- what’s going to happen if a bigger issue comes along? I believe that if the LW thought she was actually going to be disowned/shunned by her mother for the rest of her life over some tattoos, she never would have gotten them. People carefully choose the issues they are willing to permanently lose a friend/family member over and having a tattoo just isn’t one of the ones that are worth it.
So, since I don’t believe she’ll have to put up with more than some moaning and groaning from her mother over the tattoos (which can simply be put to rest with a well placed “Well, it’s a little too late for that now, Mom”), there has to be something else that’s holding her back over telling her mom.
Deanna:
I believe that an individual’s first responsibility is to be true to herself or himself. Living a life at odds with that simply to remain in the good graces of parents who cannot recognize their grown children’s autonomy is not acceptable. Yes, perhaps she will lose her mother over a tattoo. But she also said she got those tattoos for a reason. They are reflective of her innerself.
Would you tell a gay person that he or she must live a straight lifestyle, simply because mom and dad would disapprove/disown him or her because of his/her sexuality?
Yes, Tattoos are things we decide to do for ourselves, not choices already made for us by our DNA. I got one. I didn’t tell my parents. When they discovered it (because by that point it was such a part of me I didn’t think about it), I went through three years of nagging from them about it. I love my tattoo. I got a second and have not told them about it. I am an adult. I live away from home. I’m married. I own my own home. I do NOT answer to my parents, despite what they would like to believe.
You clearly have no concept of parents who have no respect for their grown children’s autonomy. And that is absolutely great for you. I come from a family where my parents constantly TRY to make me answer to them, and I simply won’t. I don’t tell them everything, not because I’m ashamed…but because it is none of their business.