When Dad/Gramps Just Ain’t Interested

Dear Margo: By his choice, my father-in-law, "Herman," has had little to do with my wonderful family. He is a negative, toxic individual whom I don’t trust, given his manipulative and abusive behavior. When his wife finally moved out some years ago, Herman did as he had long ago threatened: He cut off contact with his son (but not his daughter). He seems to have a particular dislike for me, most likely because I don’t play along with his unacceptable, hurtful conduct. Happily, our family has a very close relationship with my parents, who lovingly dote on their grandchildren.

My children are now in fourth and first grades, and they’ve met Herman only once or twice that they can remember. I personally see little to be gained by reaching out to Herman, but I’m concerned my husband and/or children may have later regrets if he kicks the bucket. My husband says he doesn’t care; my son is now asking questions about his grandfather. Just how honest should I be with my son? And is it truly best to let nasty sleeping dogs lie? — Preferring the Status Quo

Dear Pre: Forget about the bucket. I am on record, somewhat controversially, as being in favor of lopping off anyone, relative or friend, who can be judged "abusive and toxic." What is the point of absorbing punishment just so things look "normal"? As for your son, without a lot of detail, simply tell him that the other Grandpa is kind of grouchy and not very friendly to anyone, which is OK, because everybody can’t like everybody. — Margo, simply

Better Not To Creep Out Your Mother

Dear Margo: I am struggling with my mother’s distaste for tattoos. I have several in places that are easily covered by clothing, so they would never disrupt my chances of getting a job. Another reason they are easily covered is because my mother is still unaware of them. Her Jewish faith states that the body should not be desecrated; therefore, one cannot be buried in a Jewish cemetery if they have tattoos. I got them to help me overcome fears and was fully aware of the Jewish prohibition. They do not interfere with my faith. She also told me I would be shunned for a lifetime, were I to get any.

I am positive that the repercussions of telling her would not fade over time. On the other hand, she instilled in me the belief that pride should be taken in everything I choose to do. I would love to share my pride in the tattoos with her, but I’m concerned about losing her forever. She only stands to discover them if she is present with me while I’m birthing a child, which is several years away. Should I bite the bullet and risk losing her, or keep my secret? — Happily Inked College Girl

Dear Hap: To share with you the opinion of that sage Kelly Osbourne, now 25: She regrets having the tatts and would love to get rid of them. But because you already have yours, we can skip over that one. Given what you say about your mother’s feelings, I see no point in revealing your body decorations to her. You are just asking for trouble. I suggest you show your pride in the artwork to your girlfriends. Oh, and when the time comes, keep your mother out of the delivery room. — Margo, prudently 

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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