As to letter 1 - Could he be developing a mental illiness? Is this possibly the reason in your parent’s divorce?

He needs to stop putting her down. From her behavior regarding the name calling it seems that she has not had a stable male figure in her life and probably regards what he is doing as what a father does. This kind of thing happened to me with sexual abuse by my step-father (not that I think he might do this) I thought at the time what he was doing the things he doing is what a father does. My father was not there for me.

#1 How awful. The mother needs to intervene and hasn’t. So his children should at least say something since the father cares about them. Good thing the step-chidren care.

#2 Love is created within our head, not from something we get from someone else. If he needed to be alone, that’s where he needs to be. This woman is creating something that DOESN’T exist and destroying something that DOES exist. On the other hand, since she has these doubts, she shouldn’t be with either.

For those of you that may not know this, Bill Cosby had a series of comedy routines in which he discussed his children- and himself- as brain damaged. My father would regularly respond to many, many things that my brother and I did that bothered him or seemed stupid to him with a shake of the head and the muttered comment "brain damaged".

 Lest anyone think that I feel that this excuses anyone of anything in letter one, may I add that I was left pretty sure that I was mentally retarded (but am not) and my brother only comes home (he lives less than an hour away) when he absolutely can’t get out of Thanksgiving or Christmas.

Man Oh Man will this Daddy’s second marriage be over soon unless the lady is a wimp or tramp or trollop or …….. Well, You get it.  My wife went off on a love affair with our two daughters. It all ended when the "Man" came over to my place with a broken nose. He apparently called my 9 year old, at the time, a "bad" word. She got him mid-nose with the heal of her  right foot; mis-calculating a well placed "Jackie Chan" feat that still leaves her a little breathless 6 years later  when she talks about it.  Yeah! she was gonna punch him in the stomach.  Missed!

L#1:  This type of behavior could also be a prelude to worst abuse.  Once the step dad convinces himself that this 12 year old girl is not worthy, he may feel like he can do anything at all to her because he has convinced himself that she doesn’t matter.

Where is her mother?  I would never allow someone to speak to my children that way.

I really feel for LW#1. How awful to loose respect for your father. If I were the daughter, I would be very firm and say "If you speak that way about my step sister, you cannot be around me." And then I would physically leave any time he did it, or disconnect the call if it was over the phone. This might sound extreme, but somebody needs to stand up for the poor girl who will have to live with this man for six or more years.

I would also advise the letter writer to try to build a friendship with the girl, so that she knows she has some support within the family.

LW1: Have you considered that your father may have some sort of medical or psychological problem that is contributing to his aberrant behavior? As he is probably in his 50’s or even 60’s, he is not too young to be in the beginning stages of Alzheimer or dementia. He may also have some sort of tumor affecting the portion of his brain that governs personality. You knew him to be a great dad, so his behavior with his step-daughter clearly seems out of character. Once you have a talk with him, which several commenters have wisely suggested, perhaps you can also encourage him to have a complete physical and psychological evaluation. BTW, how lovely you are to be concerned about this girl. She is fortunate to have you in her corner, so good luck to you both.

LW2: I think you might want to consider giving both relationships a break. Your former boyfriend had some "personal issues," a definite red flag. And your current boyfriend, who seems devoted to you, deserves someone willing to fully commit.

#1  Talking to your father may or may not do any good but it is certainly worth doing.   I would add that might want to give this young girl (soon to be a young woman) special attention and encouragement.  She probably looks up to you and would appreciate your kind words and interest in her.   You obviously have a kind heart and every young person appreciates a mentor.  

Letter #2.  I think that you are entitled to your doubts.  You are not married to the current man in your life.  In fairness, however, I think you should let him know that you are not ready to make a commitment to him and that you still have feelings about your highschool sweetheart.  This will probably result in a break up but….no matter how kind and well meaning a partner may be…if you are looking elsewhere…something is missing.  Maybe your highschool guy is it…maybe not.  Better to know now than later.  

Dear Torn in Two,

I think introspection may be the answer here for you.  I speak from experience of a first love who sent all the others after him into "doesn’t quite measure up" world.  But, with maturity comes wisdom. 

I would encourage you to sit back and take a look at why you are with your current boyfriend.  It is easier to be with someone who loves you more than you love them after a heartbreak.  Most of us do that because we think it keeps us safe.  The reality of it is that you won’t ever have what you really want, which is that special love you felt with the first love in your life.  You must be available and present in the relationship and love with reckless abandon in order to have that again.  You are in "protection" right now with the current boyfriend.  You are creating barriers within your relationship with him. 

Maybe he isn’t the one for you.  Maybe the first love is.  I don’t know.  But I would encourage you to stop selling out on love and make a decision.  The person you are hurting the most in this is you.  Maybe the drama of the possibilities keeps you feeling wanted.  But, I would be very careful of the waters you look to tread in with the first love.  We often forget the ugliness of the relationship and only remember it through rose colored glasses.  It is easy to romanticize your past.  Ask yourself if it’s easier to do this than to become more intimate with the current lover.  Running away from intimacy is easier when you have an excuse, such as the chance at a past love.

Hope this helps.  Thanks for reading it.  Good luck on your journey of learning more about yourself in love.

LW2

I would not drop the fine fellow she’s got for the dream of a maybe-could-have-been from her past. 

I notice that the letter writer didn’t mention how the ex feels about them getting back together. Not once in the letter did she say that he wants her back, has asked her to begin again, or even said that he misses her. Sounds like it is very one-sided to me. 

Wake up, sister….you are about to screw over one great guy and 4 successful years for a big fat question mark.