Editor’s note: Sybil Adelman Sage, one of the first women to break into television writing, is currently working on a fictitious memoir titled Diary of an Overachiever: Mensa Model Finishes First in NYC Marathon After Solving Economic Problems and Proposing Health Plan Praised by Democrats and Republicans Alike. 

You could say it’s my own fault for going onto Facebook before my morning latte, knowing that I’m apt to be made cranky by what I consider "Facebook abuse," the promiscuous postings by people I liked before I was regularly subjected to reports on their sleep and bowel habits, the movies they want to recommend, complaints about how a contractor or mother has made them feel like shit. If I respond by writing on someone’s wall, all postings that follow find their way to my e-mail, adding clutter to the pre-existing amount. Facebook is a most effective waster of time, but I had to join if I wanted to play Wordscraper, their version of Scrabble.

I could have been more selective and discerning when creating my group of friends, but it brought me back to high school, and numbers seemed important. Plus, this was done prior to my knowing how much attention some would require. Facebook is too tempting an outlet for narcissists, and I wish the site would limit the number of postings any one individual is entitled to per day or award Facebook Frequent Flier points to those showing judgment about the merits of a post. YouTube reports they screen videos for violence so why can’t Facebook get rid of pointless posts? 

The site is hardly hands off, repeatedly suggesting I might want to be friends with the same strangers they’d proposed previously. "I heard you the first ten times," I want to scream. When I did take the bait and follow up, I got shot down by lawyer/writer Jeffrey Toobin, who ignored my overture, causing me to feel like "the Facebook stalker." I e-mail real friends to ask, "Why do you suppose Jeffrey Toobin won’t be my friend on Facebook?" In a show of support, most everyone responded that it was his loss. It became clear to me that Facebook, like law enforcement, is not above entrapment. Without their prodding, it would never have occurred to me to pursue Jeffrey Toobin.

Yesterday I realized how truly pushy Facebook is when I read on my page, "So and so has only nine friends. Can you help her find more friends?" Whoever at Facebook wrote that has never met this woman or they’d have known there are solid reasons for the shortage of friends. What she needs are not friends, but a good therapist, maybe an anger management counselor and meds. This was yet another Facebook flaw. Diagnosing plays no part in social networking.

On the plus side, Facebook reminds us of birthdays, and I’m hoping the site will become more attuned to the needs of the way-past-college set. Perhaps they can start soliciting the names of people we’ve met at dinner parties and fund-raisers each week so when we can’t remember them, which is inevitable, Facebook will remind us.

Having read that Stephen Colbert’s fan club gets 87 new members per minute, I decided to compete and created my own fan club on Facebook. This is a showdown to wowOwow readers to see if we can catch up to Colbert. Do your part to expand the Sybil Sage Facebook Fan Club, which now has 74 (and counting) members. Click here to join Sybil Sage’s Facebook Fan Club … And while you’re at it: Click here to join wowOwow’s Facebook Fan Club, too.