Sheila Nevins | 08/12/2009 11:00 pm
Heart-Break, by Sheila Nevins
Can you die of a broken heart?
Did you ever think you would?
Is the hurt forever or does it heal?
Did you ever think you would?
Is the hurt forever or does it heal?
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One day they’ll have a machine that shows a broken heart – an EKG of love gone astray. The printout will show the tear and the doctor will say to the man or woman on the examining table, "Ah, I see your heart was broken at about 17 or 18 years of age." And you’ll say simply, "Yes."
Last weekend I ran into a kid I knew slightly from around town – sweet faced and earnest. We seemed to arrive at the local Starbucks at the same time, many times. I asked him about his beautiful girlfriend. She was the kind of local girl who has movie-star looks without even trying. I used to see him with her, staring over their frappé straws looking deeply into each other’s eyes. Sweet love. Young love. Evoking in me a kind of aching memory for never-again.
"Where’s your girlfriend?" I asked. "Oh," he said, "Britney? We don’t go out anymore." "Ouch" I said, "Why not?" (The inevitable line at Starbucks was scarcely moving.) "Well," he answered, "she went off to college and fell for some guy the first week." "How awful," I said, "I’m so sorry." "Yeah," he replied, "She dumped me!" (He ordered a venti-caramel-mocha-latte.) I had figured these two for the inevitable small-town dance from high-school sweethearts to side-by-side gravesites. "Howdya find out?" I asked the bereaved man-boy. "Her girlfriend." "You mean she never told you herself?" (I ordered a decaf-misto with skim milk). "Nope she never told me." "How long were you together?" "From soph year to graduation – two and a half years." "Did you try to call her and get her to explain?" "I tried," he said, "but she never answered my calls. She even returned the heart necklace and the belt buckle. No note. Nothing." "That happened to me once," I said. "You get over it?" he asked. "Sure." I lied, "It takes a while."
You see, this is what I knew. I knew this boy would never ever get over this girl. Never, ever. Years later, marriage, kids, job travails and success, family losses and triumphs, because a certain strain of music or a starlit night, or a waft of a familiar aroma – these uninvited moments would bring back the pain of his broken heart so it would never heal. Unrequited love forever causes a nick in whatever pretend-armor you wear. A broken heart can pierce the strongest of protective devices.
Poor kid, I thought. He started to pay at the pick-up counter. I said, "Hey let me pay for your venti-caramel-mocha-latte. "No thanks," he smiled sadly."Please," I said, "It’s the least I can do." He nodded "no" sweetly, paying himself for this overpriced variation on a coffee theme. Yes, Science will one day discover this permanent now-invisible scar. They’ll see it on some new kind of machine and point it out to the patient. It will be an incidental finding.
Last weekend I ran into a kid I knew slightly from around town – sweet faced and earnest. We seemed to arrive at the local Starbucks at the same time, many times. I asked him about his beautiful girlfriend. She was the kind of local girl who has movie-star looks without even trying. I used to see him with her, staring over their frappé straws looking deeply into each other’s eyes. Sweet love. Young love. Evoking in me a kind of aching memory for never-again.
"Where’s your girlfriend?" I asked. "Oh," he said, "Britney? We don’t go out anymore." "Ouch" I said, "Why not?" (The inevitable line at Starbucks was scarcely moving.) "Well," he answered, "she went off to college and fell for some guy the first week." "How awful," I said, "I’m so sorry." "Yeah," he replied, "She dumped me!" (He ordered a venti-caramel-mocha-latte.) I had figured these two for the inevitable small-town dance from high-school sweethearts to side-by-side gravesites. "Howdya find out?" I asked the bereaved man-boy. "Her girlfriend." "You mean she never told you herself?" (I ordered a decaf-misto with skim milk). "Nope she never told me." "How long were you together?" "From soph year to graduation – two and a half years." "Did you try to call her and get her to explain?" "I tried," he said, "but she never answered my calls. She even returned the heart necklace and the belt buckle. No note. Nothing." "That happened to me once," I said. "You get over it?" he asked. "Sure." I lied, "It takes a while."
You see, this is what I knew. I knew this boy would never ever get over this girl. Never, ever. Years later, marriage, kids, job travails and success, family losses and triumphs, because a certain strain of music or a starlit night, or a waft of a familiar aroma – these uninvited moments would bring back the pain of his broken heart so it would never heal. Unrequited love forever causes a nick in whatever pretend-armor you wear. A broken heart can pierce the strongest of protective devices.
Poor kid, I thought. He started to pay at the pick-up counter. I said, "Hey let me pay for your venti-caramel-mocha-latte. "No thanks," he smiled sadly."Please," I said, "It’s the least I can do." He nodded "no" sweetly, paying himself for this overpriced variation on a coffee theme. Yes, Science will one day discover this permanent now-invisible scar. They’ll see it on some new kind of machine and point it out to the patient. It will be an incidental finding.
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Dawn, I’ve only had one and it was a doosy, he was the only man I’ve ever loved (Besides David Cassidy and Neil Diamond), and I went into a very deep depression when I found out that after 22 1/2 yrs of marriage he’d been cheating on me for yrs with three different coworkers. They were all active duty marines, I was medically retired navy working at the Pentagon. I went into a deep depression and didn’t leave my room for three months. I lost absolutly everything, he stop paying the mortage and car payment and both were taken from me. My son and I were homeless and I had just been diagnosed with cancer again and couldn’t work.
I’ll never forgive him for the hurt and pain, but like all those that do bad, he will pay until the day he dies. The Marine Corp doesn’t look kindly on cheaters, so when he retired I got half his pension for the rest of my life, even if he goes before me, I’ll collect until the day I die. So now on the first of every month he is reminded of what he did and how he’ll have to pay for ever and a day.
My heart is broken where he’s concerned, but I think I can never really trust again. I’ve got my kids and pets and friends, who needs a man anyway, women are better friends and company anyway :)
Deniseann,
I loved a man so completely that I would have gladly ran in front of a semi for him. We were together for 9 years but never lived together because we weren’t married and I had children. The day my dad had sudden cardiac arrest in an ER and saved, (only to be told that he wouldn’t survive the night which he did and lived for 17 more years) my man told me that he wanted to end the relationship because he found someone new. At the time I thought that was the ultimate in cruelty but I was so consummed by my dad’s health that I put it out of my mind for days. When I had time to absorb it, the hurt and betrayal was paralysing. I literally lived from minute to minute trying to breathe I so wanted God to just kill me, the emotional pain was so bad. Hindsight told me that it was for the best that he told me when he did. I truly believe that I would have committed suicide if I didn’t have my family and friends surrounding me at that time due to my dad. It eventually was my GF’s that pulled me through. His relationship with the other woman didn’t last and when I met someone new and married him it was the old ex that wanted to die. Too bad, so sad !!! But love with that kind of intensity again? Never !!! I didn’t have it in me. I loved a great man who was a wonderful husband but could never love him the way he loved me and after years we amicably parted ways. Believe it or not numb-nuts and I became great friends years later but only because of my children. He was like their dad and he never abandoned them, only me. He is still in their lives and the lives of my grandkids but when I am talking to him sometimes I think to myself "what in the hell was I thinking ? He’s such a jerk !!". Love is temporary insanity and time does heal all !!
I felt your pain in your response and hope that someday you will see him for the ass he is and be glad you got out (with his money ….poetic justice there). God Bless our girlfriends !!!! BTW……. do not build the wall that cuts off your feelings of trust for all men. There are good ones out there. It will happen to you when you least expect it. It happened to me and it’s not a youthful ‘I’m going to die without you’ love. It’s a mature and nurturing love. So comfortable and no drama !
I hope you are in remisson. Chemo is devastating……….I’ve gone down that road also. Peace and Love to you Sister !
Deniseann,
How did your tests turn out? I hope you had some positive news. What did your sentinel node biopsy say from the first time? And what did they biopsy this time ? Needle biopsy ? Did you have a bone scan yet?
Chin Up Girl ! It ain’t over till the fat lady sings !
Hi Dawn, I had the MRI of the left breast, and they cutout a piece of the tumor and took a core biosopy, and a needle one as well (lots of fluid). What I hate most is when a Doctor tells you, "if it hurts, it can’t be cancer". I wonder how many of those doctors have had cancer and how do they know it doesn’t hurt. When I had breast cancer before, I had a lot of pain and the doctor kept putting me off,and it spread, but I had a good radiologist and he got the core biosopy done and I had the surgery inside of a wk, that doctor who said I didn’t need the test is no longer working here in the U.S. she lost her license (she misdiagnosed about 8 other female vets in the same yr).
I got the bone scan,and they upped my V-D intake, I inject V-B12 once a wk already and take multiple-V everyday. my scan looked good considering all i’ve been through, they gave me braces (for swiming) so I don’t have to worry about waves hitting me wrong and breaking anymore bones. Chemo has weaken my bones, but I will not give up swimming for anyone.
I’ll let you know what’s what as soon as I hear, they say by Tues. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, Lord knows I need them. :)
I’m sorry but I had to laugh at that comment "if it doesn’t hurt, it can’t be cancer". Everyone has different levels of what we call the pain threshold. What is equivalent to a pinprick to one person is a knife in the abdomen to another. I remember when I used to tell my patients that something didn’t taste so bad when one of my patients asked me if I had ever tasted that particular medicine. No I had not but let me tell you I did try it and it was absolutely awful !!! It was fortunately a med I could mix with other things and I found that if I mixed it with certain fruit juices it was actually quite tasty. So that is what I did.
For your bones I would suggest making your own beef or chicken broth and drinking that. It gives your bones what they need and it’s natural. It works very well for arthritis also. Too many chemicals and hormones in the foods we eat. I live in the Mid-West and have friends that raise their own cattle and chickens on natural feed so I get my beef and chicken/eggs from them. It actually is cheaper than buying store bought if you buy half a cow etc. You’d need a freezer and I lucked out on that purchase as a neighbor won one at a church raffle and sold it to me for hundred bucks. Best hundred bucks I ever spent.
Swimming it great for your entire body and I also wouldn’t give that up. Chemo just plain hurts bones !! I remember how my legs would just ache horribly. One time I was in so much pain I actually fainted. I also hated taking one pill for this and another to counteract the side effects of that and so on and so on. How I managed to work is beyond me other than I worked with some of the best nurses and we would switch the schedules to work around my treatments. I was more worried about being immunocompromised and catching something. I swear I wore a mask more often than Michael Jackson. Ha ha !!
Dawn when I was first diagnosed the first time just like now I lived alone. I had siblings living in the same area and not once did they come to help me. My friends and various members of veterans groups were my life line. My children can up to see me as often as they could and when I left NY (due to family members), it was on the heals of my mothers death and the fighting going on over her things, I had to get away from them, their all so toxic and make me sick to my stomach. if they don’t get something for helping they don’t help, but when they need help you better be there, my one sister has a daughter who is plain EVIL. ST. Patty’s day were going out to dinner, and she and her mother have a fight, what does she do, she picks up a chair and throws it right at my head and hits me dead on. I had her arrested and didn’t drop the charges, they put her in the nut house for 30 days. when I got a new car just before leaving NY she KEYED the entire driver side of the car, caught in the act. this kid has been given things all her life,she’s never worked for anything not even her education, the people of NY state paid for her to go to school on the EOP program, and her mom was on welfare for 20 yrs. neither have any idea what it means to work for something and find pride in your accomplishment. these are the reasons I avoid my family, why I left in the first place and joined the navy.
I know all the above is off topic, but the thought of support going through this again just brought it all back.
I’m going to stay with my kids after surgery and we’ll worry about after care treatment when the time comes .
Dawn you’ll love this: I went to court and legally divorced myself from two of my sisters and the deamon seed. They can not call me, or come within 500 feet of my residents. If I’m in a place first and they arrive I am to call the cops and they will be forced to leave according to the restraining orders. my younger sister who lives in TN she left like I did right after school was out, for her it was HS, for me it was college, I couldn’t leave my younger siblings until I knew they could take care of themselves. EVERY ADULT IN MY LIFE AS A CHILD WAS A DRUNK, and I was their only line of defense. My mother would go away for months on end and it was up to me to take care of the kids (where 9 (twin sisters) and 10 (brother) yrs apart, and I felt responsible for them. My older sister was a full blown allky by 19 and into drugs she was usless when it came to the kids.
So by the time I became a mother I knew everything a young mother didn’t, I had been changing diapers since I was nine. It was good training. I think where my sisters went wrong is one was a drunk and the other wanted out so bad she got pregnant at 17 and went on welfare and stayed on it till they kicked her off 20 yrs later. She never married the father of either of her kids, my nephew is amazing, he’s nothing like his mom or sister. He’s a good boy and i pray every nite he gets out as soon as he can, he knows he can come to me, my younger sister, or either of my kids, we all love and adore him. and the boy is talented he can play four different instruments and he’s got his own band and is in the school bands. He was the only one that came to see me when I was sick, he’d walk two miles twice a day to walk the dogs during the winter when I couldn’t get out to do it myself. He’s the only one in ny I do anything for. my younger brother has three sons and I don’t know them well because he basically doesn’t associate with the rest of the family. he never stepped foot in my house when I moved back there after the divorce.
I’m happy here, lonely some of the time, but then I just need to pick up the phone and call my kids. and I’ve one friend who’s been with me for 40 yrs, since I was 13, we met in HS and we’ve stayed close since. and another friend (male) who was best friends with my Dad and he’s taken on the role of big brother and friend. Even though i’ll never go back to ny and unless they come see me for a change I won’t see them again, but we talk and email every single day.
I’m writing a book, about everything I can remember throughout my life, from being kidnapped at 4 by my dad, to the current cancer. I’ll have to either not name the siblings and call them sibling 1,2,3, or change their names becasue there’s no way they’d sign a release. I’ve written a lot for the gov’t in my job, and about 10 tech manuals, a few poems have been published, so I’m praying to God that someone will like it and publish it.
You know that saying "God closes one window and then opens another", I use that as a way to look at all the crap. Dogs are barking, need to go take them for a walk.
Deniseann, I was reading some of the other posts and Phyllis Pepe Doyle shared some poems. Here’s the one I wrote many many years ago……….
Yesterday
As I sit here all alone, reality gradually fades………
Memories and moments once again become my world as I escape to a time of you……of me……of US
I can see you holding me close, chasing away my fears, tenderly kissing me good-night….
All of these things and more cloud my mind…and for a moment I can almost believe……….
Then tears burn my eyes and slowly I remember………….
It was yesterday.
I don’t know what made me go find that old dusty poem but for some reason I thought of you and the pain you went through and knew that you would relate to it. I understand that in life we are strangers but in reality we are all sisters. I pray you have a wonderful day !
Dawn you were right, I do relate. The only good memories I have w/ the x is when (sorry to say) he was still drinking and fun, and he played with his kids and we did all kinds of family things together. Then he got sober (which is a very good thing), but what they say is true, the drunk stops aging emotionally and when they get sober there at the age they started to drink and have to grow up. I married what I knew. There wasn’t an adult in my entire childhood who wasn’t a drunk, and I thought that’s what everyone did (I drank for a few yrs, before I got a married and had kids) I married a man who was JUST LIKE MY DAD (I adored my Dad). But when he got sober and went into AA that’s when the cheating started and the lies, he never lied to me when he drank, but when I found out about the three other women (all at the same time), I blew the whisle on him to all three of them at the exact same time via the net, I just forwarded emails from him to them to all three. He didn’t just lose his family that day he lost all three girlfriends. all three women lost their husbands (I had nothing to do with that, I only told the women not the husbands).
I honestly don’t think there’s anyone out there for me anymore. I hate, hate, hate living alone, I’ve become a hermit, I only go out to the store,church,and the doctors, and I do swim everyday to ensure upper body strenght for the upcoming surgery.
Did you ever listen to songs of your youth and feel like you still looked the same way, until you look in the mirror and realize it was yesterday??
Deniseann,
You are DEPRESSED !!! Talk to your doctor and get on some meds at least temporarily to help you walk across this bridge in life. From experience I will tell you that no man will want you nor will you feel compelled to inflict yourself on someone until you deal with your history. We grow up and usually fall in love with what we know or what we unconsciously want to fix. To the young inexperienced mind it is a comfort zone no matter if it’s dysfunctional or not. Of course we don’t realize that at the time and some women don’t realize it EVER. You do and that’s a big plus ! Look at it as a starting point in the race of life not the finish line. As far as your husband and AA……..I have found that most addictive personalities switch one addiction for another. In his case it sounds like sex. Not love as we know it but just plain ‘banging’. When you realize that he had a mistress all along during your marriage (alcohol), you’ll be more forgiving about the other women because they meant nothing to him. It was just a void to fill and had absolutely nothing to do with you. He didn’t have to lie about his drinking because you were accepting about that. Cheating puts a different spin on it because we look at it as the breaking of a trust and that destroys our self-esteem. Thus he had to lie to keep you. That is the bottom line………to keep YOU ! I don’t know but I think marriage counselling with a therapist who specialized in addictions could have saved your marriage if you were willing to go that route.
As far as the mirror………when I look into the mirror I still see myself as I think about myself. Young and vivacious. It’s the pictures my grandkids take that tell me different. The songs naturally take me back to a time where I was excited about life and love and the grand adventures that awaited me. I don’t think that my personal life aged me as much as what I do for a living. I see the best and the worst of human nature. I am not afraid of death for I believe that as much as life has thrown me some pretty wild curveballs, I have survived and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I have had the life of my own choices good and bad and own every minute of it. I hold myself responsible for the type of life I will have. You have to own your life and make it what you’ve always dreamt it would be. It is NEVER too late. Now get out of that cocoon and get going girl !!