Sheila Nevins | 08/12/2009 11:00 pm
Heart-Break, by Sheila Nevins
Can you die of a broken heart?
Did you ever think you would?
Is the hurt forever or does it heal?
Did you ever think you would?
Is the hurt forever or does it heal?
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One day they’ll have a machine that shows a broken heart – an EKG of love gone astray. The printout will show the tear and the doctor will say to the man or woman on the examining table, "Ah, I see your heart was broken at about 17 or 18 years of age." And you’ll say simply, "Yes."
Last weekend I ran into a kid I knew slightly from around town – sweet faced and earnest. We seemed to arrive at the local Starbucks at the same time, many times. I asked him about his beautiful girlfriend. She was the kind of local girl who has movie-star looks without even trying. I used to see him with her, staring over their frappé straws looking deeply into each other’s eyes. Sweet love. Young love. Evoking in me a kind of aching memory for never-again.
"Where’s your girlfriend?" I asked. "Oh," he said, "Britney? We don’t go out anymore." "Ouch" I said, "Why not?" (The inevitable line at Starbucks was scarcely moving.) "Well," he answered, "she went off to college and fell for some guy the first week." "How awful," I said, "I’m so sorry." "Yeah," he replied, "She dumped me!" (He ordered a venti-caramel-mocha-latte.) I had figured these two for the inevitable small-town dance from high-school sweethearts to side-by-side gravesites. "Howdya find out?" I asked the bereaved man-boy. "Her girlfriend." "You mean she never told you herself?" (I ordered a decaf-misto with skim milk). "Nope she never told me." "How long were you together?" "From soph year to graduation – two and a half years." "Did you try to call her and get her to explain?" "I tried," he said, "but she never answered my calls. She even returned the heart necklace and the belt buckle. No note. Nothing." "That happened to me once," I said. "You get over it?" he asked. "Sure." I lied, "It takes a while."
You see, this is what I knew. I knew this boy would never ever get over this girl. Never, ever. Years later, marriage, kids, job travails and success, family losses and triumphs, because a certain strain of music or a starlit night, or a waft of a familiar aroma – these uninvited moments would bring back the pain of his broken heart so it would never heal. Unrequited love forever causes a nick in whatever pretend-armor you wear. A broken heart can pierce the strongest of protective devices.
Poor kid, I thought. He started to pay at the pick-up counter. I said, "Hey let me pay for your venti-caramel-mocha-latte. "No thanks," he smiled sadly."Please," I said, "It’s the least I can do." He nodded "no" sweetly, paying himself for this overpriced variation on a coffee theme. Yes, Science will one day discover this permanent now-invisible scar. They’ll see it on some new kind of machine and point it out to the patient. It will be an incidental finding.
Last weekend I ran into a kid I knew slightly from around town – sweet faced and earnest. We seemed to arrive at the local Starbucks at the same time, many times. I asked him about his beautiful girlfriend. She was the kind of local girl who has movie-star looks without even trying. I used to see him with her, staring over their frappé straws looking deeply into each other’s eyes. Sweet love. Young love. Evoking in me a kind of aching memory for never-again.
"Where’s your girlfriend?" I asked. "Oh," he said, "Britney? We don’t go out anymore." "Ouch" I said, "Why not?" (The inevitable line at Starbucks was scarcely moving.) "Well," he answered, "she went off to college and fell for some guy the first week." "How awful," I said, "I’m so sorry." "Yeah," he replied, "She dumped me!" (He ordered a venti-caramel-mocha-latte.) I had figured these two for the inevitable small-town dance from high-school sweethearts to side-by-side gravesites. "Howdya find out?" I asked the bereaved man-boy. "Her girlfriend." "You mean she never told you herself?" (I ordered a decaf-misto with skim milk). "Nope she never told me." "How long were you together?" "From soph year to graduation – two and a half years." "Did you try to call her and get her to explain?" "I tried," he said, "but she never answered my calls. She even returned the heart necklace and the belt buckle. No note. Nothing." "That happened to me once," I said. "You get over it?" he asked. "Sure." I lied, "It takes a while."
You see, this is what I knew. I knew this boy would never ever get over this girl. Never, ever. Years later, marriage, kids, job travails and success, family losses and triumphs, because a certain strain of music or a starlit night, or a waft of a familiar aroma – these uninvited moments would bring back the pain of his broken heart so it would never heal. Unrequited love forever causes a nick in whatever pretend-armor you wear. A broken heart can pierce the strongest of protective devices.
Poor kid, I thought. He started to pay at the pick-up counter. I said, "Hey let me pay for your venti-caramel-mocha-latte. "No thanks," he smiled sadly."Please," I said, "It’s the least I can do." He nodded "no" sweetly, paying himself for this overpriced variation on a coffee theme. Yes, Science will one day discover this permanent now-invisible scar. They’ll see it on some new kind of machine and point it out to the patient. It will be an incidental finding.
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Dawn, I’ve been therapy for many yrs (since I was 14 and raped by a step-uncle), and on and off for various help from car accidents, discovering I had cancer while pregnant, marriage counseling, but the marriage counseling didn’t work because by the time I found out he a cheating and lying and destroying four marriages with these women he himself was a counselor. The marine corp put him through school and he became a drug and alcohol counselor and all his consorts were his co-workers from Bethesda naval hospital where they were all stationed. so it wouldn’t have worked.
Instead I started making him take the kids for the entire summer when he got stationed at camp lejune and I did what I wanted to do, I painted the house, cut down trees in the back yrd. stayed in bed until noon on wkends, went to the beach and the best thing I did for me was to start going on Spiritual Retreats that the Navy Sponsors. I’m suppose to be on one right now, but I couldn’t find anyone to watch my dogs for three days (kids had all kinds of excuses) so I’ve decided to put money away for the next two months so they can stay at the kennel in Oct. and I’ll go to the next one.
The retreats really have been a blessing, the first one in 95 helped me deal with my rape as a teen, something that had been a cloud over my head for yrs. I started working at the hotline and helping others work through the healing process. the retreats also made me see that my extremely dysfunctional family in NY was toxic to me and my children, but I was lucky those in NY never had a chance to influence my children and I thank God every day for that.
I see a shrink once a month, I take anti-depressant,and they tell me I’m bipolar, I think I’m menopausal, who knows, lol
Deniseann, Oh the wonders of menopause !! I’m in it full blown now and never know if I’m going to sweat to death or freeze. It can change every hour on the hour and sometimes multiple times in an hour !! I esp. love the belly fat I’m developing. My sis was telling me about some kind of designer hormone that Dr.Phil’s wife takes and it is literally designed to cover what you’re missing. I will not go on premarin ( pregnant mare urine for your information) because of the side effects. Like we need another risk factor for breast cancer ! I was against going on an antidepressant until my fourth month in when my hair started falling out in clumps. I called my doc and was so upset and finally agreed that he was right and that I needed something. guess what my side effect was ?? NO MORE MIGRAINES !!! I had been having them since I was in my early 20’s sometimes lasting for 5-6 days and mutiple times a month. Then ……….nothing ! So were my mood swings because I was possibly bi-polar ( as one doctor suggested) or because I had a jack-hammer pounding the shit out of my head most of the time? I guess we’ll never know because I choose to stay on a daily regimen of zoloft that costs me $10.oo a month versus my migraine medicine that cost me $400.00. Both deal with the neurotransmitter serotonin but one is called an agonist and one an inhibitor. I’m not a pharmacist so I don’t completely understand the chemical significance but I don’t have to because it works and that’s the only thing that I care about. I turned a couple of my GF’s onto this and it works for them too.
As far as your ex being a counselor in drug and alcohol is really appealing as I have found that most people who go into this field are chasing their demons ( if anyone else reads this I think I’m going to get roasted). Think about it though. Who better to actualize with you ? Now if the women he was seeing were also his clients then you have what is called transference and counter-transference. A good way to lose your license to practice. Your rape as a teen set you up in life for all kinds of problems. I’m sorry you had to experience this. Depending on how old you are and what your family thought about this has alot to do with how you perceived it and came to terms with it. Years ago it wasn’t talked about and charges were never made. It was the family ‘secret’. I would bet you never even told them, thinking it was your fault which of course it was not.
My question to you now is have you told your therapist what you have told me about staying in the house ? A good therapist will let you talk, give suggestions or just let you make your own conclusions with guidance. You also may need your meds readjusted. Bottom line is that you are dealing with alot on your plate right now and if you need to talk I’m here. Get me on any post and I’ll respond. I will not turn my back on you. I am here for you. I’m on facebook if you can find me and we’ll talk there if you’re more comfortable with that. Go to wisconsin. There are alot of us with my name but I’ll find you.
Dawn after I had my son they did a full hysterectomy and I went through surgical menopause at 27, I have no idea about what it’s like for other women, I was just making light of the situation. I shouldn’t have because I know a lot of women who are having a hard time with it.
I told my Mom right after the rape and she called the police, they took me right to the hospital and they did a rape kit (old fashion kind back then), then an immediate DC to prevent pregnancy. When I called my Dad, he came and for the first time in 10 yrs my parents talked and tried to press charges. Unfortunate the step-uncle was a cop, and the brother of my mothers current husband, and they refused to let me press charges. I went through counseling for 3 yrs, right up till I was 17 and graduated from high school. I only ever had one boyfriend in HS but I wasn’t allowed to be alone with him, my mom and my BF made sure we weren’t alone. Mom was under the impression that if your raped you’ll want to have sex, I have no idea how she got that stupid ID, I never wanted anything to do with it until I met my x-husband.
The x’s girlfriends were all co-workers of his, and none of them knew about the others until I found the emails on my home computer, I emailed them all copies of each others emails and his response, and ha ha , he lost them all and me. One thing I will not tolerate is being lied to, cheated on, or used. He became very abusive after I sent the emails out, but I figured If I have to be miserable so should all of them. Unfortunately the women all wound up getting divorced as well, but none of it was my fault. I got my divorce and what I needed to survive (I was declared 100% disabled by the VA and SSD in 2001). I lost my home (son and I were homeless for a few months) and my car was repoed because he refused to continue the payments. But like I’ve always done, I found a way to survive and helped my son to get his life started and he’s turned out to one young Man I am proud of in every respect. My daughter she has gone after her dreams and she is working hard to make them come true. I’m so proud of both of them. I was reading my daughters profile and she named me as her Hero, I just started crying, when I asked her why, she said because I always come out on top and fight for what is right and needed.
So even though I’ve been to hell and back a few times, I’ll keep on fighting, my last goal in this life is to be a great grandmother, now all my kids have to do is have kids, lol
not on face book, tired but just couldn’t get into it. This site is good for me if it is for you :)
Deniseann, that is terrible !! Once a rapist always a rapist and I’m sure he racked up more victims besides you. Hopefully he’s dead or in jail. So the 3 women got divorced? Too bad, so sad !! Can you feel my tears? I didn’t think so (I’m not having any). I do not tolerate cheating, hitting or any type of mental /verbal abuse from any man. I just posted somewhere else where I was married for such a short period of time that I’ve slept longer than that. Why? Because after I said ‘I DO" he thought it meant ’ I can hit her now’. Oh how wrong he was ! He picked on a woman who knew how to fight ( 8 siblings, go figure) and I hit him back harder and left. See ya , wouldn’t want to be ya !!!
100% VA benefits? Not bad cashola but look at what you had to go through to get it. I’m glad your children grew up to be wonderful. Give yourself a pat on the back for that. I also have 2 wonderful children who made me a grandma before I was ready for it but I wouldn’t trade those grandkids of mine for all the money in the world. Grandkids are the BEST !!! Why? Because you can spoil them and then send them home. Works for me !
Dawn I agree with you on everything you said. the step-uncle raped his own daughter and another cousin, but because he was a COP they wouldn’t let us press charges but they did kick him off the force. We couldn’t find a lawyer who would touch the case in civil or criminal court. So I went into theraphy and that’s the only thing that kept me from committing sucide. I KENW it wasn’t my fault, that he was an ass, and it was the ONLY time in my life I can remember my Mother ever being there for me.
I’m 100% disabled but the VA will only pay me as if I was 50%, were in a battle right now. Social Security was more then willing to give me disability after they read my medcal records, thank God I worked all my adult live and some of my teen yrs on the books or I’d have nothing to fall back on.
I take all the credit for my children growing up to be decent, hardworking, loving individuals because their oldman was never around. It still breaks my heart thinking about my daughter being all dressed up waiting for her father to come pick her up for the father/daught dance w/ girl scouts (she was the only active girl scout in her graduating class in both HS and College). I’m so sick of thin mints,lol. She had every badge. But for 4 yrs in a row he promised to be there, we called and reminded him and always he said yes, but he never showed. It would take sometimes weeks to get her out of her funk.
But because the jerk was such a lousy father he’s trying to make it up to them now, so he never says no to them when they call for help or need his assistance in fixing something. guilt does pay off for those who have been slighted. I get extra cash out of him all the time when something comes up I can’t cover for the month.
I can’t wait to be a Grandma :)
Deniseann, Double AMEN to that !!! Kids are kids no matter how old they are. I was just up at my mom’s last weekend with 2 of my sisters to paint her bedroom. Now mind you we are all in our 50’s (just yesterday I was a teenager, how the time flys) and we started laughing because whenever we are at mom’s house we’re all kids again. I’m on her bed going through her jewelry, asking (like I was 12) can I have that ring Mom? My sisters are yelling "get out of mom’s bedroom and stop looking at her jewelry !!!" It’s a game my mom and I played for as long as I can remember. If I live to be a hundred I’m always going to be her little girl. I want to share my mom’s story with you. She married the love of her life, had 8 kids by the time she was 27 and left him with no education nor means of support because he cheated on her and was physically abusive. She did remarry a wonderful man, had one more child, went on to become an RN and worked her entire career in ER. About a year after she retired, she was in town (they also lived in the boonies) , realized she needed to get home to make dad supper, hit black ice, lost control of her car and was hit head-on by a semi-truck. Amazingly she had no internal or head injuries, just broke about every bone in her body thanks to the engine being on her lap. She lived in another state and us kids drove or flew in from all over the country and never left her side. Both arms and legs broke, she couldn’t even brush her own teeth or feed herself. She is also a diabetic and I went into my nurse mode and had the necessary procedures done to prevent a blood clot going to her lungs or heart. This amazing woman was walking and taking steps 6 months later. She told her doctors "I didn’t have 9 kids and worked my butt off all these years to be stuck in a wheelchair". Granted she can’t do what she used to but she does what she can and it was her absolute faith in GOD that pulled her through.
You also will pull through because you have that fight in you and GOD has your back. Keep me posted on your treatments and take care of yourself.
Dawn in my book your mother is a Solider of God, shes a warrior and won’t give in. I pray everyday that I can bet through this and put my armor everymorning. Your very lucky to have had a Mother like you do, mine was never ever there for me,not as kid, not when I had my kids, or when I got sick the first three times. Out of her six kids I’m the one she called when she needed money, or a place to live (I’d do anything to please her just to get her attention, but her drinking got out of hand and I refused to let my kids be subjected to what I was and made her move out, she wasn’t sick at the time, she went back to buffalo and lived with one of my younger sisters.) After she passed we found out we have a brother, he’s 46 his nae is John and all I know is they got PAID to put him up for adoption, a yr later she had twins and a year after that my one and only brother. I would have died to have had a mother who showed me love.
My dad on the other hand showed love towards me all the time, but he never said it until the day he died. He called me at about noon on a thursday and we talked and he asked me about the kids (we were stationed at Quantico) and before he hung up he said and I quote "Deni I’m so proud of you and what your doing with your life, your beautiful kids, and I want you to know how much I really love you." (he was recored on the answering machine and I didn’t even know it until the next day when I went to check messages before leaving for the airport. He died two hours after he called me. i honestly beleive he knew he was dying, I was the only person he spoke to on that day in October 15 yrs ago. My stepsister checked the phone to see who he’d spoken too,and I was the first person she called to tell me he’d passed. I loved that man so much, but the blessed thing the Lord did for me is make my baby boy look just like my Father, his eyes, jaw, height, even the way he talks.
Your right kids are kids for all their lives,
I’ll let you knwo what happens, waiting on test results from thrus/fri last wk. and have apt on fri this wk. Have a nice wkend. God Bless
Dawn I agree, some of my childhood memories haunt me in my sleep and wake me right up. I hated being a kid, cos I never really got to be one. I had my childhood with my children. Going to the beach, picnics, the parks, participating in school functions, amusement parks. We made it a point to do one thing as a family every weekend. Holidays we would have an early dinner and then head off to the movies, it’s become our tradition and I drive up to see them on the holidays now and we continue that tradition.
Many of the things I started with my children they have continued, my favorite is New Years Eve, we buy a lot of sea food and fish and we sit around watching the fire in the fire place eating until midnite then we watch the ball drop and eat some more.
We were told as kids to eat Seafood on New years eve because the sea is plentiful, where eating any kind of foul (chicken, turkey, duck, etc.) would cause you to scratch for money the next yr. They’ve continued this tradition on in their families and even when I’m alone on New Yrs. I still buy seafood and watch the ball drop.
I never let my kids go out on New Yrs, they could have all the friends over they wanted, when they were old enough and could drink, I took all keys and no one who had a drink could leave the house unless they walked. They continued this as well.
I had a lousy home life as a kid, I adored my Dad, my Mom (i’m still having a hard time forgiving her for some of the things that happened to me that she could have stopped) was always drunk, and I had no good role model from which to draw from, I knew how to take care of babies because the younger kids were 10 yrs. younger, and I learned very young how to be a Mom. My sister in TN (the only one I talk to) said if it wasn’t for me she wouldn’t have known how to cook, clean, or take proper care of herself. But like I said before as soon as I could I escaped and that was to join the navy, it was the only way I could find to get the hell out of buffalo and the drinking and drugs going on all around me. My older sister introduced the younger kids to pot when they were 13 and 14, I was gone and I was shocked when I found out.
Dawn I just thank God for giving me common sense and getting me the hell out of there. The Navy saved my life.