Sheila Nevins | 10/03/2009 6:00 am

Jeremy Hit Rock Bottom, by Sheila Nevins

What do you do with a child, relative or friend who is an addict?
Is addiction a moral failure?
Is it a treatable disease?

By Sheila Nevins

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I went to a funeral today. The dead person was a 19-year-old boy. He had overdosed on cocaine and alcohol. He fell against a bathroom sink during a cocaine seizure, lapsed into a coma and died in the hospital four days later. Someone had dialed 9-1-1 too late and disappeared. The sink detail was in the police report. All names are changed in this sad story for obvious reasons. This beautiful child was dead forever. We’ll call him Jeremy.

His mother, my good friend, wept uncontrollably. Six months earlier, after seven rehabs, AA, NA* and CA* meetings all to no avail, my friend Marcie had decided to throw Jeremy out of the house. She told me that he had exhausted her patience as well as her finances. She had been advised to let him hit rock bottom. She wept, curled up on my lap sobbing, whispering hoarsely that she had herself been overdosed on the prevailing diagnosis of being unduly complicit in her son’s addiction. She had been advised that by sheltering him, she had been an enabler – allowing her son to continue his abuse. "I’m letting him go," she said one day, surprising me. "That’s what I’ve learned to do." She now blamed herself.

Marcie said she was left with one child, her daughter, Mandy. Mandy turned 17 three days before her brother’s funeral. I had known Mandy since she was 6 lb. 3 oz. – a perfect baby girl. Then Mandy started having seizures and was later diagnosed at five as epileptic. Marcie and I went to many neurologists together. Finally Mandy was put on some seven various medications and they seemed to mostly work. Her seizures were milder and, though slightly tremulous at times, Mandy led a relatively normal life. She was high school valedictorian, had a solicitous boyfriend, lots of girlfriends and bragged outrageously over her Ivy stripes – with early admission to Radcliffe.

Jeremy was another story. He had always been a difficult child. Handsome, funny and – in spite of it all – sweet. At an early age he was diagnosed with ADD*. Jeremy had tantrums, was completely disorganized and totally unpredictable. Little things would set him off. At 13 he was smoking and drinking and lying about it. By 15 he was doing illegal drugs – alcohol, cigarettes, then ecstasy and soon speed. Nothing helped. Jeremy’s father was remarried and Marcie was unable to get her ex to help her with their only son. She tried. A single parent, a working mom, she went to Al-Anon where she found like-minded mothers that had successfully taken a hard- line with their kids.

She decided to follow their m.o. She changed the locks and tossed Jeremy out of the house. "If you can’t come home clean," she said, "don’t come back!" And when she slammed the door she felt uneasy but correct in her behavior.

Marcie hadn’t heard from Jeremy for the six months. She was worried sick, sleepless and fearful. And then one evening, the tragic phone call … "Mrs. Hanratty?" "Yes, this is she." "This is Sergeant Adams and I’m sorry …"

I held her hand at the cemetery. Jeremy was buried next to his adoring grandmother and grandfather. They had lived to 80 and 85. Long lives. I wondered in my heart if Jeremy was responsible for his addiction? Was it treatable? Had Marcie given up too soon? Was enabling a bad thing if it brought more time to live life and more time for hope? Was addiction Jeremy’s moral failure? Did he suffer some mental disorder? Mandy’s epilepsy was deemed neurological and not her fault. Was addiction a disease, possibly genetic, a mental illness, treatable?

I don’t know – but what I do know was that tough love had allowed Jeremy to hit rock bottom and in this case it meant no more.

*NA = Narcotics Anonymous
*CA = Cocaine Anonymous
*ADD = Attention Deficit Disorder

132 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Oh, Lynn, I really did not mean it that way and thank you so much for caring enough to ask about my daughter! A long long road it has been and continues to be. She if off of drugs totally and I believe she still continues to drink in the evenings. When I speak to her at night I can always tell if she has been or not. Like I said I really do know what it acts like, sounds like, and smells like, even on the phone. She is one that is a high functional alcoholic. She is one of the hardest employees you will ever find. But like I said, we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just want you to know that I Absolutely realize that a 12 step program Is Not for Everyone and I really did not mean to imply anything else than that. Being a closet drinker also makes it even harder for her. I believe that it has very much to do with why AA worked for her. She was so alone and really needed to make friends that were going to be a positive influence on her, so yes, the bottom line is always whatever works for you or can help you. Thank you for your concern Lynn and for caring, it is much appreciated.

By Frances England on 10/04/2009 12:13 pm

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I care about everyone who has been through what we have-it is the last thing I think about before I close my eyes at night.I remember all the sleepless nights with worry.

Your daughter is high Functioning? I suppose that might even be worse?My next door neighbor drank and was an alcoholic most of his life with a very high position in a company..he was also very personable and friendly. He decided himself one day that he would quit and he went to AA and he did .He was ready/ He stayed sober the rest of his life and never drank again and also worked as a concelor in a detox once he retired from his company job.

Funny thing is (not really funny) he was the most uptight- miserable-mean- man after he stopped drinking

and was very controlling…..Isn’t that strange?

By Lynn Marie on 10/04/2009 6:21 pm

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Frances, I went to about 6 Al Anon meetings with a friend who was going through HELL. My impressions did not change - the same people were there and had been there for years, dealing (they thought) with the same issue, someone else! IMO, it evidenced the lack that our nation perpetuates on the sick, in general, without providing for the most critical needs - mental health - everyone deserved professional care, and does deserve such care. Peer support is wondrous, again MO, and must continue, but addiction spins out of and off far too many variables for anyone to deal with without professional assistance.

When Lynn experienced what she did, her internal barometer probably told her to GET OUT, but … we don’t always listen to ourselves, which I believe, in turn, kicks off many serious conditions, including addictive behaviour.

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." ~Buddha

By Signing On on 10/05/2009 8:11 pm

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I am also a mother who locked her 19 year old, drug-addicted son out of the house years ago. We did family counseling, out-patient therapy, residential programs, but nothing worked. Once he literally walked away - walked 17 miles all night long - from a residential program. I cannot begin to put into words the pain, guilt and outright terror I lived with for years and years.

The loss of a child is devastating. I think most parents would ask "What did I do wrong?" whether the child died of drugs, a car wreck, or the flu. Marcie needs counseling and a strong support group that can help her get past the guilt and begin to find some peace. She was not responsible for his drug use and she is not responsible for his death, but it sounds like she cannot accept this yet. I know I would be feeling the same way right now, if it were me.

Today my son is 27, clean and sober. He has a good job and just got engaged to a lovely young woman. But he could easily have been the one found on the floor, dead from an overdose. He lead a horrible life for many years. I did everything I could to help him, but finally had to accept that I did not have control over his life. Nothing made a difference until he decided to change himself. Marcie clearly loved her son deeply and did everything in her power to help him. My heart goes out to her and to everyone with a family-member suffering from addiction.

By Lou C on 10/01/2009 3:55 pm

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My sister is a drug addict/alcoholic. She’s 30-years-old and has been using since her teens. She has had episodes of sobriety and when those are happening, she is the most wonderful person to be around. The last "good period" ended about 2 years ago. Speaking as a family member that is dealing with an addict, when you draw your line, you have to understand the dangers that go along with it and that you are not responsible. I know that by cutting my sister off I risk never seeing her again. I risk the next contact being made by a mortuary. But that is a calculated risk. I know that there is a near 100% guarantee that if I, or my family, continue to enable her, she will continue to abuse and make very poor decision that affect the rest of us. It sounds cruel and I understand questioning such a stance while in the midst of the loss of one so young. I have to protect myself and my family. My sister knows that if she wants to change, I’m there to help. She needs to take the first step to recovery though. I can’t make that step for her. Neither could "Jeremy" mother. Sobriety is a choice and it has to be made by the addict.

By AJ Quintana on 10/01/2009 4:56 pm

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By AJ Quintana on 10/01/2009 4:57 pm

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How sad—I went through almost 10 years of my son being an addict. He has now been sober for over 4 years.

It nearly killed me and is a nightmare for anyone who goes thru it.

AA kept telling my son they were the ”only” way—he hated it he hated the meetings and the ”religion ”of it.

Don’t get me wrong so many have benifited from AA I am not knocking it.

Alanon told me ”tough love” throw him out-live your life-let him hit rock bottom”

He would be dead now if I did.

NOPE I could NEVER throw my son out into the street. I went with my gut feelings as a mother.

Alcoholics are sick people—physically and emotionally— to leave them open to the cruel world seems like setting yourself up for that ”phonecall”

I could lay there and cry and be hysterical cause it all seemed so hopeless or I could DO SOMETHING—-no matter what anyones opinion is DO IT.

He had gone to many many many detoxes and just about all my savings.

When he couldn’t have the keys to the car he hit me-physically attacked me.

Police came and I had him arrested and put in jail.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

The Doctor who examined him told me his life would only last another few years-

he was 6ft 4 in and weighed 130 pounds

,his liver was a mess-

and that I should start planning his funeral.

Most of my family got hysterical when I did this but I went with my GUT-

-He was in jail 3 days before arraignment-

Believe me he was in rough shape when I finally saw him.

The court ordered at my suggstion that he be put on probation for a year and be tested for alcohol and drugs once a week for a year

-plus go to a free outpatient alcohol rehab for 3 months.

He did it all.

While I looked for alternative ways of treatment.

I found a Md who treated alcoholism with medication (something AA is against totally).

My son took the medicine- and IT WORKED! It acts as a blocker of cravings like an anti depressant does uptake on seratonin—very simular.

He would tell you now that there is no way without that medication he could have stopped drinking.

He only had to take it for 3 months-the rate of sucsess is in the 80%.

I had a Heart Attack shortly after all this and I am sure all this played a big part in it.

But before they put me under for the surgery I knew I was leaving behind me (if I had to go) a sober son.

I thank God every day EVERYDAY. I am a nurse and I have known many alcoholics it seems far and few ever make it thru recovery.

I went to an online support group at one time—everyday they all got on line an cried and bitched and moaned for years—-I knew I had to ACT not REACT or I was gonna loose him and get stuck in this pit of”poor me’s”

I never gave up.

I feel sorry for your friend-she went by what others told her figuring they had the experience and went against her gut feelings as a mother.

She must be totally devastated.

She did the best she could with what she had.

By Lynn Marie on 10/01/2009 5:15 pm

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Lynn Marie,

Thank God your son received the help he needed. I am so happy for you and so glad you didn’t give up!

But I can’t help thinking…all that money…all those 12 step meetings…all that advice to stop enabling him and let him go…and in the end all he needed was medication. Medication he would not have gotten at the Betty Ford Center, or Hazeldon, or any of the 12-step-based rehabs that cost tens of thousands a month, because those places do not believe that anything other than the 12 steps can possibly work.

By Claire Saenz on 10/01/2009 5:54 pm

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You are so right aboutthis—and they get mad if you bring it up even. There are some very big rehabs in the USA that offer it though.Actually they had a HUGE HBO special called ”Addiction”which talked all about it and its sucsess rate.To me who cares—we re all different-we have to keep an open mind to everything. It doesn’t work for everyone….but what if you are the one it does work for? What a shame you might not ever get it.

Addiction is usually caused by an underlying illness as well—-many self medicate who are clinically depressed or bi polar and do not know it .The stats on the HBO special were that at least 75% of all alcoholics/addicts had psycological issues.

Once the alcohol was gone for my son-I gave him a year to let his body get healthy-release those toxins from all his tissues-with diet exercise and rest. (his md suggested this)

He went from 130 pounds to 210 in a year(he is 6ft 4in).

It was discoverd that he was Manic-Depressive most likely since puberty.He takes medicine for that as well as counselling.

I am very very proud of him.

DON’T CLOSE YOUR MINDS-THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER WAY-WHO WOULD WANT TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC? WHO WOULD CHOOSE THHIS LIFE? THROWING UP BLOOD EVERY MORNING—PASSING OUT IN YOUR OWN VOMIT-ETC…THEY ARE SICK AND NEED HELP.

I WAS pissed when this pill (I think if was calld camprol) worked like it did—and that so many others didn’t have it in the past and that anyone would try to with hold it in the future.

By Lynn Marie on 10/01/2009 10:24 pm

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Thank goodness you had experience with the medication, Lynn Marie - I know a man who was an alcoholic for over 40 years, and was one of the first to take the medication in a trial. To this day, he can walk into a hotel lounge, and sit there with others, enjoying a ginger ale, and not have one hint of desire for "booze (his own term)." I am so happy for him - many times I saw him destroying himself, able to hide a lot of his illness because of wealth, but … we all knew it was killing him, and everyone around him.

By Signing On on 10/05/2009 8:17 pm

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thats is so great—I wish more info was out there for them!

By Lynn Marie on 10/05/2009 9:48 pm

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For anyone who is interested in reading a similar story, I recommend the book "Terry" by Geoge McGovern, the presidential candidate whose daugher, Terry, died of alcoholism in 1994. It is a heartbreaking tale of a parent’s struggle to help his daughter.

By Claire Saenz on 10/01/2009 6:03 pm

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I believe that substance abuse is essentially self-medication. Just because the doctors and the counselors don’t know what’s at the root of the problem doesn’t mean there isn’t a root of the problem that leads to the rest. "Addicts" are expected to will themselves better. It doesn’t work with cancer either.

By Livia Jones on 10/01/2009 6:55 pm

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This young man chose his own path! He chose to put drugs into his body. He knew the consequences. I feel for his Mom, but this young man chose it!

By Stephanie Smith on 10/01/2009 7:46 pm

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It’s a terrible thing, a real shame for this family. Tough love or not, this young man was going to make his own decisions, and many of them turned out to be poor. There are people all over the country worried out of their minds about their kids. I wrote a book about it, and the responses have been similar to the notes written here.

Marcia

Strained Relations: Help for Struggling Parents of Troubled Teens
Blog: http://strainedrelations.wordpress.com/

By Marcia Stein on 10/01/2009 8:38 pm