Sheila Nevins | 10/03/2009 6:00 am
Jeremy Hit Rock Bottom, by Sheila Nevins
What do you do with a child, relative or friend who is an addict?
Is addiction a moral failure?
Is it a treatable disease?
Is addiction a moral failure?
Is it a treatable disease?
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I went to a funeral today. The dead person was a 19-year-old boy. He had overdosed on cocaine and alcohol. He fell against a bathroom sink during a cocaine seizure, lapsed into a coma and died in the hospital four days later. Someone had dialed 9-1-1 too late and disappeared. The sink detail was in the police report. All names are changed in this sad story for obvious reasons. This beautiful child was dead forever. We’ll call him Jeremy.
His mother, my good friend, wept uncontrollably. Six months earlier, after seven rehabs, AA, NA* and CA* meetings all to no avail, my friend Marcie had decided to throw Jeremy out of the house. She told me that he had exhausted her patience as well as her finances. She had been advised to let him hit rock bottom. She wept, curled up on my lap sobbing, whispering hoarsely that she had herself been overdosed on the prevailing diagnosis of being unduly complicit in her son’s addiction. She had been advised that by sheltering him, she had been an enabler – allowing her son to continue his abuse. "I’m letting him go," she said one day, surprising me. "That’s what I’ve learned to do." She now blamed herself.
Marcie said she was left with one child, her daughter, Mandy. Mandy turned 17 three days before her brother’s funeral. I had known Mandy since she was 6 lb. 3 oz. – a perfect baby girl. Then Mandy started having seizures and was later diagnosed at five as epileptic. Marcie and I went to many neurologists together. Finally Mandy was put on some seven various medications and they seemed to mostly work. Her seizures were milder and, though slightly tremulous at times, Mandy led a relatively normal life. She was high school valedictorian, had a solicitous boyfriend, lots of girlfriends and bragged outrageously over her Ivy stripes – with early admission to Radcliffe.
Jeremy was another story. He had always been a difficult child. Handsome, funny and – in spite of it all – sweet. At an early age he was diagnosed with ADD*. Jeremy had tantrums, was completely disorganized and totally unpredictable. Little things would set him off. At 13 he was smoking and drinking and lying about it. By 15 he was doing illegal drugs – alcohol, cigarettes, then ecstasy and soon speed. Nothing helped. Jeremy’s father was remarried and Marcie was unable to get her ex to help her with their only son. She tried. A single parent, a working mom, she went to Al-Anon where she found like-minded mothers that had successfully taken a hard- line with their kids.
She decided to follow their m.o. She changed the locks and tossed Jeremy out of the house. "If you can’t come home clean," she said, "don’t come back!" And when she slammed the door she felt uneasy but correct in her behavior.
Marcie hadn’t heard from Jeremy for the six months. She was worried sick, sleepless and fearful. And then one evening, the tragic phone call … "Mrs. Hanratty?" "Yes, this is she." "This is Sergeant Adams and I’m sorry …"
I held her hand at the cemetery. Jeremy was buried next to his adoring grandmother and grandfather. They had lived to 80 and 85. Long lives. I wondered in my heart if Jeremy was responsible for his addiction? Was it treatable? Had Marcie given up too soon? Was enabling a bad thing if it brought more time to live life and more time for hope? Was addiction Jeremy’s moral failure? Did he suffer some mental disorder? Mandy’s epilepsy was deemed neurological and not her fault. Was addiction a disease, possibly genetic, a mental illness, treatable?
I don’t know – but what I do know was that tough love had allowed Jeremy to hit rock bottom and in this case it meant no more.
*NA = Narcotics Anonymous
*CA = Cocaine Anonymous
*ADD = Attention Deficit Disorder
His mother, my good friend, wept uncontrollably. Six months earlier, after seven rehabs, AA, NA* and CA* meetings all to no avail, my friend Marcie had decided to throw Jeremy out of the house. She told me that he had exhausted her patience as well as her finances. She had been advised to let him hit rock bottom. She wept, curled up on my lap sobbing, whispering hoarsely that she had herself been overdosed on the prevailing diagnosis of being unduly complicit in her son’s addiction. She had been advised that by sheltering him, she had been an enabler – allowing her son to continue his abuse. "I’m letting him go," she said one day, surprising me. "That’s what I’ve learned to do." She now blamed herself.
Marcie said she was left with one child, her daughter, Mandy. Mandy turned 17 three days before her brother’s funeral. I had known Mandy since she was 6 lb. 3 oz. – a perfect baby girl. Then Mandy started having seizures and was later diagnosed at five as epileptic. Marcie and I went to many neurologists together. Finally Mandy was put on some seven various medications and they seemed to mostly work. Her seizures were milder and, though slightly tremulous at times, Mandy led a relatively normal life. She was high school valedictorian, had a solicitous boyfriend, lots of girlfriends and bragged outrageously over her Ivy stripes – with early admission to Radcliffe.
Jeremy was another story. He had always been a difficult child. Handsome, funny and – in spite of it all – sweet. At an early age he was diagnosed with ADD*. Jeremy had tantrums, was completely disorganized and totally unpredictable. Little things would set him off. At 13 he was smoking and drinking and lying about it. By 15 he was doing illegal drugs – alcohol, cigarettes, then ecstasy and soon speed. Nothing helped. Jeremy’s father was remarried and Marcie was unable to get her ex to help her with their only son. She tried. A single parent, a working mom, she went to Al-Anon where she found like-minded mothers that had successfully taken a hard- line with their kids.
She decided to follow their m.o. She changed the locks and tossed Jeremy out of the house. "If you can’t come home clean," she said, "don’t come back!" And when she slammed the door she felt uneasy but correct in her behavior.
Marcie hadn’t heard from Jeremy for the six months. She was worried sick, sleepless and fearful. And then one evening, the tragic phone call … "Mrs. Hanratty?" "Yes, this is she." "This is Sergeant Adams and I’m sorry …"
I held her hand at the cemetery. Jeremy was buried next to his adoring grandmother and grandfather. They had lived to 80 and 85. Long lives. I wondered in my heart if Jeremy was responsible for his addiction? Was it treatable? Had Marcie given up too soon? Was enabling a bad thing if it brought more time to live life and more time for hope? Was addiction Jeremy’s moral failure? Did he suffer some mental disorder? Mandy’s epilepsy was deemed neurological and not her fault. Was addiction a disease, possibly genetic, a mental illness, treatable?
I don’t know – but what I do know was that tough love had allowed Jeremy to hit rock bottom and in this case it meant no more.
*NA = Narcotics Anonymous
*CA = Cocaine Anonymous
*ADD = Attention Deficit Disorder
Read more about: Addiction, Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Death, Drugs, Family, Health, Narcotics Anonymous, Parenting, Relationships
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132 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
My mother was an addict … I am an addict … my son is an addict.
My mother was sexually abused … I was sexually abused … my son was sexually abused.
My mother was abusive … I was abusive … and my son is abusive.
My mother was a victim … I was a victim … and my son is a victim.
My mothers name is … and my name is …. and my son’s name is Jeremy.
THE POINT: A child lives what he learns.
I also happen to think that genetics play a huge roll in our lives. If you mix predisposition with even a hint of trouble in home you have reason to watch your child very very closely.
Dare I ask you? Where do you think the drugs come from? Did you know that there is hard evidence that our own government has profited from the sales of narcotics in this country? YES! It is true.
What we are talking about is so complex that none of us can really understand it. I don’t understand it and by reading many of the posts I don’t think you understand it either.
I am reading emotional blah, blah, blahs and I am reading the AA coin holders blah, blah, blahs …
This is post too is nothing but blah, blah, blah …
Signed,
Helpless
Addiction is a vicious disease whose control lies in the hands of the victim who suffers from it, and that’s the hypocrisy of it all. How can you help someone when they are constantly being seduced by the thing that will kill them? I have had friends and family members who have struggled with addition and it is a terrible thing to have to endure. The best one can do is hope they can lead a loved one to a place they can find peace. I feel deeply for Marcie and her family and hope they can find the strength to make it through this difficult time.
Drug addicts are not addicts because they are enabled. They are drug addicts because they are weak. AA, NA, CA, whatever A, will perpetuate peoples addiction for the rest of their lives. These organizations want you to be addicts, its good for business. I know that doesn’t sound very popular, but its true.
Lets say I’m a former drug addict and attend regular NA meetings. When its my turn to speak, the first thing out of my mouth is "Hi my name and Frank and I’m an addict". Then I have to explain what substance I took. Remember, I said former drug addict. Everybody there is a drug addict. Why do drug addicts want to continually want to hang out with other drug addicts? Its easy for them, everybody there is on a level playing field. If I’m a former drug addict, I want to be around people that never had this problem and learn from them. If I’m truly recovered, I don’t want to call myself an addict anymore.
Many alcoholics and drug addicts use these meetings as a place to hang out with people they know are the same or beneath them.
Drug addicts and alcoholics need to understand that is OK they were addicts, addiction is only temporary.
Many addicts continue their addiction because nobody wants or cares about drug addicts or alcoholics, and why should they. Many of us have an illnesses that are cured, then were fine. Stay away from AA etc. Have a friend or sponser, but not a whole room of addicts you see four times a week.
Medical Science has reported that the brain of an alcoholic/addict is different from a straight person. Genetically you may be predisposed.
My son felt exactly the way you wrote-he didn’t want to sit in a room full of addicts and talk about addiction.
That did not work for him not AA——- but 1-1 counceling daily with a psych-weekly testing and partnering with an MD who treats alcoholics.
I do not believe alcoholic think anyone is beneath them—if they are an addict they have seen and experienced a nightmare of a life(?)
AA may work for others-they have been around a long time-so they are needed. They do not benifit monitarily from meetings—they are all free,
I hope one day we will treat them as they should be and life will be better for everyone—
they need 6 months in a detox unit-where they still get a stipend of moneyto help with their families etc…
Many can’t go more than 3 weeks because they have a home and family. Work should not hold it against them.
They sould get free care all around we give it to lots of others in this country-some who are not even citizens.
Addiction can be stopped—
I do not know about cured,
it is like smoking(which I did for years)
I haven’t had a ciggie in 2 years but if I picked ne up right now I would slip back to a pack a day overnight.
One correction. The notion that AA is "free", so no one benefits monetarily, is simply untrue.
All one needs to do is go online and find a few nonprofit reports…they are most interesting.
AA’s General Service Office pulled in revenue of $9.2 million in 2007. At the end of that year, it had net assets of $3.4 million plus pension fund obligations to its employees of about $9 million. Compensation of its highest paid employees varied from $97,000 to $153,00 plus generous retirement benefits. Somebody is making money.
But AA itself is nothing. Treatment centers promoting 12 step make a TON of money and therefore have a HUGE investment in maintaining the status quo. The Hazelden Foundation, for example (the fundraising arm of the huge Hazelden treatment organization which uses 12 step, and whose web page states its commitment to the 12 step fellowship) received revenue of nearly $88 million in 2007 and had net assets of $197.6 million at the end of that year.
Remember this is the foundation only. The treatment centers themselves are also nonprofits. The center in Minnesota earned $12 million in 2007 and had net assets of $5.4 million that year.
Medical insurance pays for this treatment in many cases. Yet treatment options at Hazelden (and other 12 step based facilities) aren’t really "medical" at all, they are based on what amounts to faith healing. Even drugs like Naltrexone, which has been shown to reduce cravings, are given short shrift at Hazelden. On a recent CNN special, Kevin Clark, Hazelden’s medical director, admitted as much. The transcript of the program shows this exchange:
CLARK: With the health care professional staff here at Hazelden, our experience tells us having that network of support in recovery is what really makes the difference.
GUPTA: More so than medication?
CLARK: More so than just medication, exactly.
In the same program, a representative of The Betty Ford Center, another 12 step facility, told Dr. Gupta that medications are not part of the treatment protocol in any way.
So…the notion that nobody benefits monetarily from AA or from the 12 step treatment monopoly is simply not true. 12 step is big business. Huge business, funded by medical insurance and tax dollars.
Yes I suppose you are right there is money involved at a certain level. I myself paid 5000 for my son to go 3 weeks to a treatment center.
Insurance covered nothing. But it did cover his medication—his MD visits and Psych Visits when we went in a different direction than AA.
On a street level you can walk into an AA meeting and no one has to pay—most of the books are given freely—so it is better than nothing.
With all the new medical beakthrough with medication and disease -in the future a combination of both will help.
Lynn: I smoked 3 to 4 packs a day my whole life. I quit 15 years ago. Haven’t had a puff since. My brain wanted nicotine 24/7. Nobody paid me to quit smoking. Why should anyone have to pay for 6 months of detox for alcoholics? Its not my problem. Only the mother of an alcoholic would suggest that.
Your son can stop drinking alcohol if he wants. I know the temptation must be tremendous, but he can do it.
A workplace doesn’t want a drunk around its business. Work doesn’t hold it against anyone, they just cannot chance that behavior.
AA has a Board of Trustees, which you can bet line their pockets. They sell millions of books every year.
People that are addicts and alcoholics brought that nightmare you spoke about on themselves. I hope all addicts and alcoholics stopped what they were doing today.
you must have me confused wuth someone else my son has been sober for over four years now with medication. By talking about smoking I only meant to try an give others an idea of a craving per say.
IT IS YOU PROBLEM—-it is everyones.
No one said pay an addict to stop==just give them the time to get well where they do not lose all they have and can support their children.
It becomes your problems when they hit your child riding his bike down the street—or they leave their kids unattended-or rob you for money or even worse things—that is the difference I am not afraid of you smoking—But I am afraid of you if you are an addict—there is no comparing the 2.
Your sons addiction is not my problem at all. I hope your son stays sober and does well in life. An addict made a choice to become addicted, nobody should have to pay for that.
If you’re afraid of addicts, then you’re afraid of you’re son. You brought your son into this, don’t bring other children into your mess. No addict, especially your son will ever rob me.
you are so angry I can tell someone who was an addict has already robbed you and hurt you badly.
When I said ”afraid” I meant more damage can be done by drinking than by smoking a ciggie thats all.
I did not bring my son into this nor would I wish anyone elses family to have to go thru what most of us her have been thru.
We all share this Earth —if there are serious issues going on around us they affet everyone in one way or another sooner or later it all trickles down eventually.
Why are you so angry? I sure hope there are no addicts in your line of fire-but I am guessing there is or has been.
Lynn: I’m not angry, you are. I don’t know any addicts. I did know a guy 10 years ago that drank a lot. But I didn’t know him that well.
We may share the ground we stand on, but I don’t want to share your problems. You said an addict is going to run over my child. Did you think I would take that lightly?
The person in this conversation thats had a problem with an addict is you, not me.
You even say that everything trickles down eventually, as if you want everyone to have a drug addict child. Would that make you feel better?
I’m no expert on addiction and I can’t comment on the very interesting facts and opinions presented here. But I can say, however, that this well told story has made me sad. Nevertheless, at least in a loss the living have the hope of peace. No more addiction, no more chasing, no more fear of the days. Much is left: grieving, overcoming, comforting others who share the pain, educating others who are ignorant of it, learning from those who experienced it and ultimately healing.
My heart goes out to the family, friends and loved ones and to Sheila who bore the blessed burdon of being a lap to cry on. The helplessness of being the friend to a grieving relative in that moment is worth commending. It leaves little room for lack of strength and causes one to rise to the occasion — attempting a personal best. There are those that run and those that stay and weather the storm. All have their reasons. Here’s to the strength behind those who have the courage to ride the wave until it gets to the shore.