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Home › Relationships

Q&A | 11/25/2009 4:00 am

The Lesley Stahl Interview: Abigail Pogrebin Unlocks the Secrets of Twinship

A journalist explores the sweet, sometimes harrowing complexity of being one and the same
By Lesley Stahl
Abigail Pogrebin/Image: Lorin Klaris

Editor’s Note: Abigail Pogrebin is the author of One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I’ve Learned about Everyone’s Struggle to be Singular, just published by Doubleday 

LESLEY: Abby Pogrebin, I have read your enchanting, fascinating book about identical twins. You talk about it with great authority, because you are an identical twin yourself.

ABIGAIL: Right.

LESLEY: And everyone should know that you and I have our own relationship, because you were a producer at "60 Minutes." But let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about this great book. As you observe, just about everybody wishes they were a twin. I mean, there’s kind of an envy factor.

ABIGAIL: Yes.

LESLEY: Why do you think that is?

ABIGAIL: I think being a twin represents the ideal intimacy. When you look at having a romantic partner you think, "Who’s my other half in my life? Who’s the person who would understand me without speaking?" I think many people assume that’s what you get with a twin, and in many ways they’re actually right. You do come out of the womb, believe it or not, with someone who is already your best friend. How that relationship evolves over time can get complicated. But I do think that in many ways there’s a built-in sweetness, protectiveness and understanding of each other that’s ineffable. It’s hard to duplicate in any other relationship.

You come out of the womb with someone who is already your best friend. But how that relationship evolves over time can get complicated.

LESLEY: So what about sibling rivalry? Twins don’t have it as acutely as the rest of us?

ABIGAIL: I think they have it, but it’s a little more nuanced than people assume. Most people I’ve run into, for example, automatically assume that [my twin sister] Robin and I had tension over the fact that we both went into journalism. But it’s more complicated than that. You get a sort of vicarious pride in each other’s accomplishments, because you feel like they reflect on you. You go through life a little bit as a duo; you’re kind of a team. I don’t want to make it all sound like it’s all perfect or Pollyanna-ish; there is rivalry. I interviewed some twins who had crippling tension, in a sense that their relationships suffered over the course of their lives. But I would say that more often, twins kind of nudge each other to accomplish something. If Robin does something and I see that she can do it, I feel like that’s proof that I can do it too. I found that more often with twins is that they urge each other on.

LESLEY: Oh, I love that. Interesting. Interesting. Were you ever lonely as a kid? Probably not. Were you ever bored as a kid? Probably not, because you always had a playmate.

ABIGAIL: That’s true. And I think that’s what people envy, and they’re right to envy it. You really are never alone; you’re never at loose ends. But the converse is that you don’t develop certain muscles for friendship with others. That happened with my sister, and to a lesser extent with me. You’re so used to this intimacy, to this ease of friendship, that sometimes you’re a little bit at a loss. I found this with many of the twins I interviewed. They almost couldn’t function in the social scheme of things because they just hadn’t had to. And in that sense, twinship can be a handicap as well.

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Read more about: Abigail Pogrebin, Alessandra Piontelli, Birgit Arabin, Books, Family, Identical Twins, Judith Rich Harris, One and the Same, Q&A, Relationships, Tiki Barber, Twins

14 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

JudyS
Well, now I know what to get my identical twin nieces for Chanukah. Fascinating.
By JudyS on 11/25/2009 10:10 am
MaryPageDrake
Wonderful!  Thank you so much!
By MaryPageDrake on 11/25/2009 11:21 am
JHolmes
WOW!!! This book is now on my list.
By JHolmes on 11/25/2009 11:35 am
WendyWilson1

I was married to a twin for thirteen years.  His primary attachment was to his brother.  As we were separating, his brother lead the march to get me out.  I am so happy to be out of that vice.  They can have each other, for what it’s worth.  I’ll bet other spouses of twins expereience this.

 

 

By WendyWilson1 on 11/25/2009 3:17 pm
GiselaSchmidt
I am also an identical twin, mirror-image type and I agree with the article.  We have a bond that transends all our other relationships- mother, husbands, children, yet we cannot be together all the time and we don’t always agree. As a unit we learned how to function in society, but apart we have weaknesses that are the other’s strength from having "divided the work".  I have to learn to be more social because she always handled that part, etc.  It is both a blessing and something that makes you different from others.
By GiselaSchmidt on 11/26/2009 6:25 pm
BrendaVenable
I too am a identical twin. Yes for the most part it has been fabulous to have an identical twin sister and friend. Especially since the rest is D for dysfunctional. It is a way to long of a story! I really hope to get some opinions of this matter that happened over Thanksgiving. My sister came down with her husband and two boys. They are 13 and 8 and I have a 16 and 13 year old. Dinner went great, two days before went great. Her husband was his usual self. gone to the gym for hours, napping during the day, absolutely doesn’t lift a finger to help (works alot and travels alot so that is a good reason for him not to get involved; like the rest of us don’t)! Anyway, after Thanksgiving dinner took the kids to outdoor ice skating rink.. great time, really pretty. Came home in the evening and the kids decided to roast marshmellows outside by the fire! My kids you must know do not have some of the things that her kids have. We are not poor, but we don’t live in the grand house and don’t take the expensive yearly trips. My sixteen year old had on her Sperry’s which she knew costs us $85 dollars. She really appreciates them alot and takes good care of them other than the blue from jeans they are remarkable for a year of use! She also spent months wanting to purchase a pair of True Relgion jeans. After alot of thought she bought a pair with her own money. On sale they were $159 dollars!! I knew she really wanted and she had spent a great deal of time making the decision. Back to the fire! Anyway my sisters 8 yr. old thought it was funny to swing the hot marshmellow around and down it came on her shoes. That was the first straw. She came in upset, but I assured her that I could clean them and it would be fine. She asked Dawson not to do it again. In fact she moved to the other side of the fire to get away from him furry. Well at least that is what she thought. Suddenly she saw something flying at her and it landed in her lap and yep you got it down on her $159 dollar jeans. First of all remember this is a smoking hot marshmellow. She totally lost it. For that I am sorry, She came in the house and said that __ ___ ___ __ brat got a hot marshmellow on my brand new jeans! I know she was wrong and I told her so. BUT I also felt the parents and the 8 yr. old was wrong. My sister immediately started to use he just a kid routine and was furious with my daughter about her bad word use. I told her I thought they were both wrong. I really deep in my heart thought this is nuts. Instead of someone discipling him about the first marshmellow spill they would actually making excuses for the 2nd one. Now we are talking a pair of jeans, but what would have happened if this was an eye. I was really speechless.. My sister was spilling out that we never use that word in our house, which I know to be a flat out lie. I have heard the words before. I think everyone looses their cool sometimes in life! The more she went on about her innocent child routine the more shocked I got. She stated they were going home! 4-5 hr. drive from my house at 10:30 at night.great! I said that is crazy. Both of them are wrong and they both should apologize! My daughter did, but theirs did not. Honestly I was discussed in the whole situation and tired from the cleaning, picking up, preparing and too frustrated to beg. So go home! I spoke to her the next day and she immediately said "I just want to forget about it". Personally I feel that this is something that should be discussed! Am I crazy? Hoping for opinions!
By BrendaVenable on 11/30/2009 8:39 pm