Liz Smith | 05/15/2009 11:00 am

Liz Smith Is a Devout Coward

In response to: Have you ever been bullied? By a woman or a man? Have you ever been a bully?

Well, as a child I was sandwiched between my two brothers and so I was protected from childhood bullying. I highly recommend this.

My father was feisty and hot-headed and only about 5’7" … He never allowed himself to be bullied and his advice to his children was, not too wisely: "If anybody bothers you, pick up a rock or a wrench or a hammer and knock their brains out. Don’t fight fair!" Fortunately, my brothers and I never had to follow his draconian advice.

In my time I worked for some fantastically high-powered guys like Mike Wallace, Igor Cassini, Allen Funt. Only the latter was a bully and only with men.

So I’ve been lucky. I am more the "catch more flies with honey than vinegar" type and, as I’ve said before here, I am a devout coward who gets along with people. Whatever I am, I am not a bully. Just too indoctrinated in the Golden Rule via my mother.

Read more about: Bullying, Culture, Friendship, Lifetsyle, Society, Work

8 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I agree with the honey vs. vinegar premise. However, never let anyone walk all over you. State your case in a matter-of-fact way & don’t back down. I love the jerks who try to turn their wrongdoing back on you. There’s no convincing them that they’re wrong, but you can let them know they’re not fooling anybody.

By Carole Del Monte on 05/15/2009 11:59 am

e-mail alert

My oldest grandson since he started school, would always sense out the bully and challenge himself to make that person a friend, not to be aligned to the bully side of the child, but finding a medium where they could like each other.

In second grade he moved to a new school, and for his birthday invited all the old friends and new friends to be together. They were out on the front porch swinging at a Pinata. Austin was sitting on the sidelines watching, and his changed bully friend from the year before was shoulder to shoulder with the new bully friend for the present year. The new friend went to sit down by Austin, with the old friend touching his shoulder and telling him "sit a little bit to the side, he does not like to be crowed". Observing what was going on, it was not hard to see how respect played into the friendships. Maybe partially what creates a bully or those that fear the bully, have not found a respect either way. Just my thoughts.

By Linda Myers on 05/15/2009 12:02 pm

e-mail alert

I have been bullied all my life by everyone; I wouldn’t know how else to live. (I am being bullied just now by a family member I won’t identify.) My husband, who gets thoroughly exasperated with me, tells me all the time: "You set yourself up between the lions and the watering hole. Predators can sense prey. They never pass up a victim." I can live with it, however, because I am not willing to change and become someone else, someone less kind, someone who is like the bullies. In my mind, at least, they are not winning. But that isn’t really why I’m posting today. I wanted to say that Liz Smith is not a devout coward; she is one of the nicest, sweetest, most courageous people on the planet. Way back in 1981, when my first novel, "Housewife," was published after an over-the-transom submission, Liz was writing her newspaper column in New York City and appearing on NBC News. I sent her a copy of my book and, unlike everyone who is afraid to do or say anything before the proper publicist or agent with the proper clout tells them which way the wind is blowing, she mentioned it. After all these years, I just wanted to say, "Thank you, Liz." xxx

By Ruth Jernick on 05/15/2009 12:23 pm

e-mail alert

Bullied? Well, yes and no, as in yes, I sometimes will allow it to some degree and then again, no, because when I get fed up I will simply pick up a rock and smash the person’s brains in. : ) haha Okay, it’s *Friday* and everybody was dozing off anyway. I know I do get under some people’s skins, why I don’t know, and I have been screamed at many times by some of my bosses, etc. but I will not put up with it and I will either quietly get up and walk away, speak up and walk away or in one case while waitressing as a young girl, take off my apron in the middle of a lunch hour and simply "leave" for good. Please! nobody I don’t know ; ) gets to shout expletives at me just because they are in a bad mood. I do not think I am that cowardly, I think I have a reckless kind of a courage. Once I saw a serviceman at 5 am at a lonely truck stop gas station being seriously bullied by a truck driver who must have weighed 300 lbs., and this driver had yanked the serviceman up practically into his truck window, and was screaming at the top of his lungs at him. I was waiting for gas at the next pump and seeing that nobody else was there, I just got out of my car, walked over and asked: "Is there a problem?" (Crazeeee, right?!) Anyway, the truck driver garbled some unintelligible scary stuff at both of us and then furiously drove off. Well, I will never forget it, just little 24 year old me and this very shook-up man standing there together *bonding* in the wee hours of the morn, both of us knowing that we had just escaped only God-knows-what! and this man grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes and said: "I would have done the same for you."

It was, and still is, one of the most touching moments of my life.

Thank you for having this great place to let me tell my little tale. You are *all* great. Happy Friday!

By Eileen Alannah on 05/15/2009 1:48 pm

e-mail alert

In prison (not that I have any experience with this), the new kid on the block seeks out the bully and beats him up before the bully even attempts to make a move on him. This teaches the bully not to mess with you, and every other prisoner garnishes you with the same respect. Brutal, yes. I know. But it is all about surviving in a harsh atmosphere. To a lesser degree, I do a variation of this in real life. I am a firm believer of ‘teaching someone how to treat you’. Certainly not with violence though. It really is within our power to dictate how we want to be treated. You can show a bully that an aggressive aproach will not work on you, nor will a hot temper or intimidation. If you stand tall within your beliefs, the bully will not achieve the desired effect. The bully will not get the reaction that he wants. If someone is physical with you, then you have to act accordingly but in an adult world (my adult world) the situation never reaches this level. You are in control at all times. It may not always seem that way in the heat of the moment, but you are.

By Richard Bassett on 05/15/2009 2:30 pm

e-mail alert

Interesting, Liz. I sell basement waterproofing as one of my jobs. Several years ago, I showed up late at a guy’s house - it couldn’t be helped - and he started screaming at me. He mistook my politeness for weakness, and said he was going to "smash my head in". He started walking towards me, and I guess years of martial arts training and sparring, somehow came through in my demeanor. I calmly set my briefcase down and as he got closer and closer, my calmness and not moving must’ve raised a flag in his stupid head: "Why isn’t this guy flinching?" He stopped dead in his tracks. And he was right. Had he attempted physical contact, he would’ve been on the way to the hospital in short order. I don’t endorse violence, but when it comes to self-defense, all bets are off.

By James the Game on 05/15/2009 4:54 pm

e-mail alert

Ummm….Is this really Liz Smith writing?

The Liz Smith I have come to know and love over the decades is a feisty, outspoken, in your face, tell it like it is, pull no punches kind of woman. Where in the world is this "I am more the "catch more flies with honey than vinegar" type" coming from? :-)

Unless the persona you present in public and on your countless articles does not relate to who you are one on one in private. Could be I guess…..

By Belinda Joy on 05/15/2009 5:27 pm