The Love Goddess | 07/13/2009 11:00 pm
The Love Goddess: 'Are You Still Sexually Active?'
Editor’s Note: Who is the wisest of them all? Who is more dedicated
to your pleasure than anyone on earth? Who can help you when you’re
going online for the first time to find love; or when your lover’s
children hate you; or when you want to strangle your husband? Why, the
Love Goddess, of course. She promises nothing less than celestial
wisdom, heavenly sex, divine dating. Read on …
"Are you still sexually active?" is a question we’ve all been asked by some doctor or other; even I’ve been asked it here in the heavens, where celestial gynecologists should know better (everyone’s sexually active here, for eons). It’s rather being over 40 and being asked, "So, do you still enjoy food?" – a question, barring some hideous disease of the tastebuds, that makes no sense.
It always feels to me that the person asking the question hasn’t a clue about the nature of sexuality. Like Mark Sanford, who insists that infidelity isn’t really infidelity unless there’s penetration, these people believe that emotional and physical intimacy don’t count as sexual.
They do. In fact, I’ve found in my epochs of study on the subject that "emotional affairs" are as dangerous to marriage as any affair that crosses the Sanford line. (There’s a reason people say to each other, after a one-night stand that’s been found out, "But it didn’t MEAN anything." Often, it didn’t.) Emotional affairs, though, conducted as they often are without guilt and shame, and sometimes without secrecy, can be explosive. In fact, my criteria for judging how long a marriage would last changed entirely once I learned about the power of emotional affairs, and the devastation such innocent connections, whose intensity grows precisely because sexual intercourse has yet to enter the equation, can cause.
So when I read yesterday that Nancy Price Freedman, age 70, writing in the "Modern Love" section of The New York Times about her relationship with her 78-year-old husband, was asked by a doctor whether she was "sexually active," I found her reply far from merely sweet.
"Does ‘sexually active’ necessarily suggest wild passion?" she asks. "Or does rolling over in bed and kissing my husband goodnight count?" She admits that she knows it doesn’t count, not in today’s world, where erections can last for hours and penetration is more important than kindness.
But dearest earth girls, it does count. Passion is heavenly. Sexual heat is divine. But what keeps us going in a love affair are the Post-it notes saying "I miss you" from your lover who’s away on a trip. Or the "I adore you" that Jove writes at the end of every e-mail he sends me. Sexuality is bigger, greater, than sexual intercourse. What women tell me they long for, when relationships end, is the tenderness of sex; the whole spectrum of sexuality that includes the breakfasts, the weekends, the wonderful or terrible family gatherings; life with a dear, kind, warm friend. The one you enjoy sex and tenderness and food with – sometimes with heat, sometimes without – no matter whether you’re 17 or, in my case, 7,000.
Like all savvy goddesses, the Love Goddess has her own blog, which you can visit by clicking here.
Read more about: Love, Mark Sanford, Marriage, Modern Love, Nancy Price Freedman, Relationships, Sex, The Love Goddess, The New York Times
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45 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
In my marriage, sexuality ended shortly after the conception of our first daughter. We did manage to have a second, by that was divine luck considering how infrequently we made love. Since the birth of daughter #1, now 17, I doubt we had sex more than 50 times.
I am very certain that, had my husband been assured of the fact that I did NOT like sex, he would have been after me as constantly as a duck on a June Bug. But, since I did want sex, he used the lack thereof to control me.
I grew weary of pleading with him for love-making. I remember when our now 17 year old daughter was 1 1/2. She was asleep, and I asked him to come to bed with me. Nope! He had work to do. I eventually wandered out to the workshop, where he had his computer, to discover that he, ahem! had more pressing interests than his wife. Those involving Rosy Palms and her four lovely daughters.
Let’s put it this way. My non-existent sex-life has greatly improved since he left almost 2 years ago. I no longer feel rejected by his absorbtion in porn, and am free to take care of personal matters. My husband’s sole value of self-worth was in his being the latest and greatest in computer technology. Not being a husband, or a father.
I stuck it out for the kids because he wasn’t safe for them on multiple levels. Joint custody was out of the question because of the risky behavior, and since he interviews very well, I had to wait until he was clearly non-functional. Um, we’ve been married 20 years. It’s only now that it’s safe to divorce him. The kids are old enough, and he’s truly weird now.
So, I yearn for a partnership. Where my husband/boyfriend wants what’s good for me, versus working to sabotage my every expressed desire. I’d love to have a sex life- I’m pretty darn virginal despite two teen-age children. I’d also love to have what I had in the beginning, before his untreated mental illness flowered. A dear friend. Someone who loved me, and wanted my good.
A pity that I could give it to him, but not him to me, or the girls.
And yes, all kindness and consideration counts as part of love. I keep track of what’s important to those I love, and expect the same in return. I’m not yet dating. I want to move into an adult relationship with someone who cares about what I want, and vice versa. That takes better than just being grateful for a partner who actually *likes* me!
I’d adore little post it notes. I’d adore loving voice mail messages. I’d adore someone actually noticing who I am and what I want! So, I’ll take my time. I still remember a birthday where, when asked, I wanted to spend the night in San Francisco and see a Broadway play. Yet, somehow, we ended up doing what the H wanted. Going to a folk festival in Concord. Okay, but not want I wanted. And hey! We left our small children behind- where’s the love-making?
In marriage counselling later- what? You expected us to make love? Yeah, you betcha.
Oh, my darling, I’ve been in your shoes. Sixteen years of marriage, four gorgeous daughters - and still a virgin for all practical purposes. Of course it was always MY fault that we didn’t have more sex - because I didn’t have big boobs! And there were all the other "faults" as well, what I called "the scroll" that he would unroll and read aloud to me (not really, but that’s how I saw it in my mind) to justify his dissatisfaction with me.
So we divorced and I enjoyed what I had been missing well into my 50’s but not having found a life partner and finding that my take on what constitutes great sex and a great relationship demanded something above what I was experiencing for the most part, as well as the scars from the first relationship (I was a virgin when we married) that I can only now admit still hurt me, finds me quite alone in my 60’s - but with lots of wonderful memories.
My point is that you have years in which to explore yourself and what you want in a relationship, but you have a considerable amount of healing to do and are more fragile than you would imagine. You are also arrested in development in some ways, not having had the experience of others in your age group.
My solution was to establish a really good relationship with myself first, and then never compromise it. The more tricky as we date at an older age where "baggage" can be a real contaminant, our own and the others’. I wish you a rewarding journey. Be very patient and kind with yourself. You deserve it!
"Does ‘sexually active’ necessarily suggest wild passion?" she asks. "Or does rolling over in bed and kissing my husband goodnight count?" She admits that she knows it doesn’t count, not in today’s world, where erections can last for hours and penetration is more important than kindness.
Yes, it counts. My husband may not know me when I kiss him goodnight but I know!
Oh Jeannot,
What a Moving Statement………Yes, You know.
My continued best to you.
When a doctor asks whether you’re sexually active, it is because a gynelogical examination or urine analysis may reveal a urinary infection or some other disturbance, often related to sexual activity. Somehow, passion and sexual activity seem to be synonymous in this discourse. The doctor is not interested in passion or how often you have intercourse, unless it is related to symptoms and treatment.
Get over it, gals: for years, women were not asked relevant questions about heart, kidney, urinary functions and failures, so let’s be honest with medical practitioners to help them help us in time of need.
I’m not the "friends with benefits" or one night stand type of woman. For me if I’m not in love with the guy and in what has been defined as a relationship I don’t "go there"
So given I’m not in love, my answer is no. But not a sad no. Sex is important for all the reasons the Goddess has pointed out. But for me a big part living life to the fullest is not to have aspects in your life based on conformity. Because society dictates a woman can only be truly happy is if she is married with children is not true. I am almost 50 and I don’t regret for a moment never having given birth. And I am far to independent to be married.
So until I am ready for love again, I fill my days and nights with things I love.
oh love goddess…. normally I completely agree with you. I just don’t agree on this one. I think that love/friendship/comfort/joy all of those things (the things that come across in a goodnight kiss) are PART of sexuality but not sexual ACTIVITY. If all the breakfasts, and tenderness and the friendship and companionship don’t lead to some sort of actual "sex" then they are part of those other things in a relationship.
I find this specific post my dear goddess to be extremely female lol. filled with the hope that one can just "cuddle" and call it good.