The Love Goddess | 07/13/2009 11:00 pm

The Love Goddess: 'Are You Still Sexually Active?'

Editor’s Note: Who is the wisest of them all? Who is more dedicated to your pleasure than anyone on earth? Who can help you when you’re going online for the first time to find love; or when your lover’s children hate you; or when you want to strangle your husband? Why, the Love Goddess, of course. She promises nothing less than celestial wisdom, heavenly sex, divine dating. Read on …

"Are you still sexually active?" is a question we’ve all been asked by some doctor or other; even I’ve been asked it here in the heavens, where celestial gynecologists should know better (everyone’s sexually active here, for eons). It’s rather being over 40 and being asked, "So, do you still enjoy food?" – a question, barring some hideous disease of the tastebuds, that makes no sense.

It always feels to me that the person asking the question hasn’t a clue about the nature of sexuality. Like Mark Sanford, who insists that infidelity isn’t really infidelity unless there’s penetration, these people believe that emotional and physical intimacy don’t count as sexual.

They do. In fact, I’ve found in my epochs of study on the subject that "emotional affairs" are as dangerous to marriage as any affair that crosses the Sanford line. (There’s a reason people say to each other, after a one-night stand that’s been found out, "But it didn’t MEAN anything." Often, it didn’t.) Emotional affairs, though, conducted as they often are without guilt and shame, and sometimes without secrecy, can be explosive. In fact, my criteria for judging how long a marriage would last changed entirely once I learned about the power of emotional affairs, and the devastation such innocent connections, whose intensity grows precisely because sexual intercourse has yet to enter the equation, can cause.

So when I read yesterday that Nancy Price Freedman, age 70, writing in the "Modern Love" section of The New York Times about her relationship with her 78-year-old husband, was asked by a doctor whether she was "sexually active," I found her reply far from merely sweet.

"Does ‘sexually active’ necessarily suggest wild passion?" she asks. "Or does rolling over in bed and kissing my husband goodnight count?" She admits that she knows it doesn’t count, not in today’s world, where erections can last for hours and penetration is more important than kindness.

But dearest earth girls, it does count. Passion is heavenly. Sexual heat is divine. But what keeps us going in a love affair are the Post-it notes saying "I miss you" from your lover who’s away on a trip. Or the "I adore you" that Jove writes at the end of every e-mail he sends me. Sexuality is bigger, greater, than sexual intercourse. What women tell me they long for, when relationships end, is the tenderness of sex; the whole spectrum of sexuality that includes the breakfasts, the weekends, the wonderful or terrible family gatherings; life with a dear, kind, warm friend. The one you enjoy sex and tenderness and food with – sometimes with heat, sometimes without – no matter whether you’re 17 or, in my case, 7,000.

Like all savvy goddesses, the Love Goddess has her own blog, which you can visit by clicking here.

45 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I’ve read that regular sex can add 10 years to your life, or make you look 10 years younger - either way works for me. After 26 years of marriage, I’m more sexually active than ever because we are more experienced than ever, and why waste all that talent? With more life pressures, like financial issues and job security, we spend more evenings at home, and turn out the lights to save electricity.

He still drives me wild when our eyes meet across the room when we are in public. We know we have to wait until we have private time to indulge ourselves, and sometimes that can be hours away. Pent up desire works to our benefit as it always has - even before we were married and celibate. Part of our foreplay is reminiscing about our first sexual experience on our wedding day. Our earliest non-sexual friendship and romance has provided a solid foundation for our deep commitment and profound passion for each other.

Il n’y a qu’un bonheur dans la vie, c’est d’aimer et d’être aimé.

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved." - Baroness Dudevant

By Bella Mia on 07/14/2009 10:56 am

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Oh Yes!!!!!!!!!!

I am 42 and still get asked for ID to purchase wine. Why? Sex & Passion keeps you young, it keeps you happy, it keeps you sharp, it keeps you sexy.

It feels good for a reason all you abstinence only fools!

By Rebecca G on 07/14/2009 1:18 pm

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Let me go ask my Duena what this means. Am I going to need cologne daubed on my temples when I find out?

By Washington Cube on 07/14/2009 2:54 pm

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Yes.

By J Holmes on 07/14/2009 3:28 pm

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Well…after wOw…it has really has put a damper on it!!!! LOL…only kidding of course!!!

Actually, as we get older and going on 30 years of marriage at the end of this month, I would say quantity is not as important as quality!!!

By Libra Lady on 07/14/2009 4:14 pm

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Not nearly as often as I’d like to be.

By Donna H on 07/15/2009 5:35 am

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I wish!

By Josie Sullivan on 07/15/2009 8:32 am

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Hee hee — No, I just lie there! <j/k>!

By Mary DeVaughn on 07/15/2009 3:43 pm

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I’ve been married for 48 years and I still think I will have to, one day, bury this man in a coffin with a hump in it!

Life is good!

May it always be so!

By Lady Gator on 07/15/2009 7:39 pm

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LG, us too. we have been married 48 years this Nov. and he still can’t keep his hands off me. He is the sweetest man in the world. He tells me everyday (I mean it) that I am beautiful and how much he loves me.

Life is good here too!

By Irish Eyes NY on 07/18/2009 11:24 am

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Just curious: Does anyone enhance their sexual experience by getting stoned? It used to be the norm….

By Joni Evans on 07/15/2009 8:25 pm

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Works even better with some maturity and experience, er, under one’s belt…

By Garden Goddess on 07/18/2009 12:24 pm

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Not for many, many years… Now, it would probably just make me sleep!

Thinking back, it sure was fun though! ;-)

By KatyDid Wells on 07/22/2009 8:51 pm

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OMG. . when "our leader" speaks, maybe we should sit up and take notice. . for she is dropping bread crumbs, leading us (I think) on the Road to Ecstacy … and here we have been wandering in the cornfields of the Heartlands thinking that we already have had a plethora of "out of this world" experiences that we - in our naivety - thought would fill a red-hot book.

But she has planted "a seed", not unexpected to Midwesterners, that perhaps there is even more … that perhaps we have been missing something.

Unfortunately, she has dropped this in late at night — so now I cannot sleep (and nautrally blame HER) as I contemplate the thought that perhaps there is actually more than perfect love … and then, the more sobering thought of how I am going to put out the flames in following Joni’s lead - for I now think this may be a scorcher.

Somewhere - in all this, Joni - I actually think there may be a book in this. And somehow, I think it would be a best seller in my innocent part of the world … Let’s think about it … .

By joan larsen on 07/15/2009 10:57 pm

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This is a great subject! My husband had to work in Boston for 6 months, and we live in Florida! The kids are in their 20’s and I was nervous I had never lived alone! My girlfriend said now you are going to find out what Bobbie like to do. She was so right! I had no idea, I was a good wife, and mother I took care of both my parents when they died the truth was I never stopped.

By having the 6 months here he has a new wife now. We were walking on the beach and he turned to me and said "I really like you." I will never forget that moment.

We are and always have been sexually active, but the moment on the beach I’ll remember for the rest of my life. Bobbie R

By Bobbie R. on 07/16/2009 9:48 am