I can truly say that I married "the one" this past October.  After reading some of these posts I know I was truly blessed with my man.  All I can say is when we first met I told my sister when we were leaving that I didnt know how but that man was going to change my life and boy has he, all for the good.  In the 6 years we have been together we have survived 8 months in Iraq, living 300 miles away from each other for 2 years, the police academy & pregnancy at the same time, baby being born and his graduating at the same time, then moving into a house together as a family, a new job, and we have been going strong.  The road got bumpy but we stuck together.  We sought help throught a local Pastor and he broke it down for us that we have to give and take and sometimes just "shut up" and listen. 

I know this man won’t leave when if times get rough.  I know this man LOVES me so I know he would never cheat on me.  For me LOVE, true LOVE is the major factor in any relationship b/c if you have LOVE everything else falls into place.  When someone truly LOVES you the last thing they want to do is hurt you. 

Marriage is an institution and institutions aren’t known to be particularly kind to people—especially to women. I wish I’d realized that when I got married. I agree with Joan W (near first of the posts) who says too much focus is on the wedding (and our culture continues to push this as "her day"—it’s huge business and gets into fairy tale stuff) and males often assume that once married they will have either someone like their mother or someone very unlike her. The whole dynamics of family of origin get replayed if we aren’t conscious of them. Better to be as conscious of all this before than after. Even if conscious of dynamics, they’re always there, like a foot stuck out to trip over. 

   I also think (my opinion) that women who work "two shifts" in a marriage would do well to refuse to do that. It would cause a shift in gender relations our culture. It would mean having to let "him" do things his way and not rush in and "tell him how to do it" — when women do that it simply lets men off the hook for their part of domestic life. If he cleans the bathroom, let him do it his way and be glad he’s cleaning it. If he cooks dinner, why do we often complain it’s not the way we would do it? It’s as if we complain about the "double shift" but are loathe to give it up. I long ago gave it up and am glad I did. My husband and I do many things very differently, each with their own merits (at home)—I think our son has benefited from seeing both and from seeing his dad just as involved in cleaning the kitchen, doing the laundry, taking care of him (our son) as I.

   I think, too, so many women (when, say a separation or divorce occurs) cling to the fact that they are the ones to keep their teenage kids. Yikes! I told my husband during a rough patch when our son was in 8th grade, that if he (my husband) wanted to dream of life with another to include our son in that dream. I was not about to raise a teenage boy on my own if the father (totally capable and good) was not around.  I knew that at that point in time, a son needs his father most of all and to gradually let go of mom. That changed the whole dynamics (that I said and meant that.) The mid-life fantasy now included a son in the package. 

   It also puzzles me the things people will "traditionally" split up over that I would never consider doing. Everyone has their bottom line, though, and that has to be determined by each person, careful to weed out what our culture tells us we’re "suppose" to do if this or that happens. That part seems critical to me. Not to just do what our culture shouts at us. 

I’ve worked with seniors for many years, so have encountered many couples in longterm marriages.  I admire the history they share, the lives they’ve built together and the many different paths they’ve taken to reach the spot they’ve achieved.  I do believe it’s an achievement.  I’ve also learned from their stories that it’s possible to survive endless challenges TOGETHER and in spite of hurts and disappointments inflicted along the way.  What they all seem to share is the mutual desire to remain together.

While I aspired to this myself, I could not have predicted that my husband would not share this desire.  Yes, it is, indeed, a complicated world we live in, for better or worse.  I’m not sure it’s possible to say that the values of a previous generation are better than those of my generation or even ucoming ones.  This is what we’ve created:  a culture that is about evenly divided on marrying or divorcing.  I do know that there is a lot of negative fallout associated with divorce and the prices we’re paying are, as yet, not entirely known.  

All I know is that sometimes divorce is for the best at times.  I accept what is the reality of my life because it is impossible to have a decent marriage when one partner is uncommitted to that value.  I accept, too, that one failed marriage does not negate all that is so incredibly wonderful in the rest of  life.  Life is all about defining it as we move along. 

Still, I think I will always take particular joy in hearing the stories of couples who have travelled paths that brought them to the end of their lives, still together, still committed to sharing and caring with the world and with one another.  It’s truly a thing of beauty.   

"divorce rate that’s been rising since the 1960s and now rests at about 50 percent."

For the past 40 years the nation’s divorce rate has been at or on 50% - which only means, people change.

I think there are 3 prmary reasons marriages end - firstly, people wed before they’ve resolved their issues with their original families! The basic family unit must be dealt with before taking on any other lives - even one!

Secondly, divorce courts, and lawyers will not ‘hear’ separations - with support enforcement, which would give couples time to separate, air their feelings, take care of family obligations, and jobs, and hopefully heal through therapy, or merely a time to breathe! At the very least, the courts could view such as preserving families "for the kids" Granted, for the kids may not be healthy for the parent (s) and everyone suffers - so guidance is paramount and the courts need to wakeup.

Thirdly, either mental illness of one partner, or the pure stubborness that makes one refuse to realize that marriage is not 50:50 - it’s 100:100. When a partner will not ‘hear’ the other, and be willing to make changes, and listen, the relationship, as good as it may actually be (and viewed as such later on!), will not endure. If it does, it’s not realistic, and it later ‘shows’ the trauma.

When I filed for divorce, not one person who knew us "had a clue." Everyone was shocked, but all said confidentially, they didn’t know how I ‘stood him’ - that did n’t matter to me, though - I knew, and it was my last effort to stablize the family. And no, I never dreamed it would come to ‘that" in fact, our infamous women’s editor of a big city daily used to refer to me as "Ms. Family." (lovely!)

My first marriage lasted 17 years. It was going to be forever and I knew he would change one day and keep the zipper closed, that was a pipedream.

Second marriage is a forever one, 40 years, it was easy, we just never stopped being in love. Even now  I have a radar, if he refuses to kiss me then he does not know me, if he kisses me on  the lips then he knows somewhere down deep, he remembers. That is all I need.

Some of us still live in a long term marriage…but it changes for each marriage from passion, to friendship, to sometimes single people living together because of relational problems, and back to one or another of the above mentioned phases.  It isn’t all happy, and it isn’t all togetherness but it all still marriage.  We just need to remember that it isn’t ever one way for the whole of our lives because we change and grow at different rates of speed.

If there is a sense of commitment in the beginning we can end up growing in the same direction and making a forever marriage work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Darling Women,  staying together for years doesn’t prove anything.  Women in those days worked til there hands were raw.  They had children the hard way and suffered greatly.  The abuse from their husbands were unbearable.  But, that was your job to work, not have an opinion and prayed for death to come during the night.  Today….it’s different, however women aren’t asking questions before marriage.  I love it when women say, "Oh, his not the man I married",  excuse me, yes he is.  You saw what you wanted to see and excuse it all because you though after marriage he would change.  No one changes.  You either accept it or you don’t.  The red flags come out and are ignored.  I’m gulity of the same.  I’ve been divorce 20 years and don’t plan on getting marriage.  I’d rather be someone’s partner/companion however, I won’t live with anyone either. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I applaud those who have had the happy long term marriages.  It gives me hope as a 27 year old woman who will hopefully be getting married soon.  I’ve had a number of friends get married…. and since divorced while I’ve been single.  My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years this month, and we’re now ready to get married.  After all this time together, I think we know each other as well as we can without actually being married and sharing a home together.  I think we have as good of a shot as anyone in having a "forever" marriage because we’ve taken our time.  We’ve also decided that we won’t live together until after the vows.  So many friends have said that they really regret living with their partners before the wedding and have very strongly suggested that I never do that.  There’s also sociological/ statistical support for this view, but basically for me, I want that first week living together to be incredibly special, not just the typical day.

In regards to marriage and divorce rates however, it’s not that our society has gone to heck in a handbasket.  In the past, it was incredibly difficult to get a divorce- witness the lengths that Henry VIII of England went through to be able to divorce his wife, Katherine of Aragon, to marry his mistress, Anne Boelyn.  Until recent times, women were considered the property of their father and then their husband.  Sadly, that’s still the case in some cultures.  So even if a husband was abusive, completely ignored his wife, had blatant affairs, the wife merely had to deal with it.  It wasn’t rape if the couple was married.  There was no legal recourse of legal separation or divorce.  This is as true for men as women, though men typically had more opportunites for freedom.  It was very, very difficult to get a divorce for any reason unless you were exceptionally wealthy; and even then, there were no guarantees.

So while I agree that our culture has become too much of a throw-away one, let’s not forget that the mere ability to leave a spouse, whether a husband or a wife, has been an important step towards individual freedoms.  I hear many people saying that divorce shouldn’t be legal, etc.  That would be a step backwards in terms of opportunity.  What we need to work on, in my own humble view, is trying to really understand one another and the nature of a lifelong committment before we being to plan the fancy wedding.  Focus on the marriage, not the wedding day.  It’s a long haul, not a fairy princess one day event.

Marriage is an arrangement.  It is as pragmatic as a business license; but steeped in religious traditions and constructs.  But it is still an arrangement by two people to live together and raise a family.  Because of the subtext of what a marriage means to the individuals, success is achieved or not.  Other human relationships have the freedom to end with little damage.  In a marriage, the arrangement dictates that the parties work out the problems and save the arrangement.  I think that is where many have failed to understand the gravity of living in "holy matrimony" or a committed relationship.  We Americans are highly individualistic, yet for marriage we are to embrace the concept of the collective/the family.  Being family-oriented means to render all future decisions on what is best for the family.  Many can’t make the shift for whatever reason.  Others crave to be a part of a family unit and believe traditional marriage is the only way to achieve it.

But in this past century we have seen marriage expand to single parents, homosexual parents and communal parenting arrangements.  I believe and studies support that children thrive in a loving and stable home.  I believe in traditional marriage, but I believe strongly in supporting stable families. The goal now and in the future should be to help adults maintain homes that protect children from abuse or neglect. Developing community programs to mentor youth from high risk families and reforming the foster care system and adoption programs. The success of those goals will produce healthy adults who will likely maintain stable families in the next generation.