I agree with Green Tears.  It is not only about choice, but marriage vows, usually a promise made before God, should be taken seriously and remembered throughout the marriage. 

I also agree with the article. Not all women are sexually harrassed, unwilling victims.  A few years back, my then 24 year old handsome and married nephew taught high school chemistry.  He lasted three years.  Not only did he have 18 year old girls calling him at home but so were a couple of female teachers… also married.  He took his degree into the business world of geology where office romances/affairs are common place.

It’s not just about powerful men or women.  Office settings or other scenarios like the Dave Letterman Show provide working relationships that are often the perfect arena for "romance".  Many married couples meet while at work or through work.  Many short flings and long affairs happen there, too, but it’s not always the man who is the seducer or the one who harrasses.

I’ve heard the Navy is considering women on subs.  Why not?  They are certainly capable of the work required.  But what a small, intimate setting!  Sailors meeting in a passageway turn sideways to pass, chest to chest.  Should be interesting!

Oh Love Goddess, to be wrong so many times in one article….how disturbing.

But I will say this. The last two sentences of your piece are truly what we must all learn. Young women have, do and will enter into sexual relationships with men of power and they do so for the same reasons as the men….casual sex. As a society and a sex, we need to get away from the misguided notion that whenever you have a man with power having sex with an underling, that translates into sexual harassment or him using his authority over her. Sometimes…younger women are attracted to an older guy and they want to have sex. They recognize that he may be married but they don’t care. Doesn’t make it right, but it is what it is.

As for your opinion on sexual fidelity in a marriage, I couldn’t disagree with you more. And there in lies the reason why I have a problem with people who attempt to water down and diminish the importance of marriage. A marriage is a legal bond you make to essentially bind yourself to another person for the rest of your life. If done in a spiritual setting,  you vow to bind to this person under God’s laws or whatever your particular religion.

That is why marriage is something that should never be entered into lightly, you are committing yourself FOR LIFE to one person. If you like getting spanked during sex, he’d better damn well get use to it. If he wants oral and you don’t, you’d better go through therapy or something to get used to performing it. Because sex is an important component to any relationship and you should want to please your life partner. It drives me crazy when I hear people make excuses for infidelity and why it happens.

It is not something that should be minimized or dismissed as a sign of the times or a new way of interpreting marriage. That is ridiculous. Marriage is a solemn and special union that is to be respected.

(If you’re wincing at that figure, don’t; it’s a modest one, given that a girl is statistically likely to start having sex at the age of 15 and not marry until she’s 27.

________________

And I have to point out that in all 50 states, whoever is having sex with her is committing statutory rape.  Mirror, mirror on the wall. 

That aside, although I hope I have irritated the usual crowd, as we mature emotionally, we do tend to get the "urge to merge" and do like the idea of fidelity. The idea of being part of another instead of just being one of many. Variety may be the spice of life but not the spice of marriage.  It may not be what happens for many of us but it is still the ideal for most of us.   

Amidst all this discussion of monogamy, number of partners, etc - just today I have come across an article about a couple who did not even KISS until they were legally wed, in addition to a device that can be inserted into the vagina to replicate virginity for those whose faith demands a virginal bride…I swear there has to be a happy medium here somewhere….

Seems to me the primary issue here is one of sexual morality. Namely, is there such a thing? If so, who’s to say what’s right or wrong? Yes, we’re talking choice and loyalty and honesty — with one’s self and one’s partner(s) — but at root, this is all about morality. Otherwise, who would care if a public figure has an affair, and why concern ourselves with other people’s sex lives or power plays or lack thereof?

I explore these topics in my novel "badbadbad" (which you can peep, if you like, and please do, right here: www.badbadbad.net). The narrative is structured to compel the reader to draw her own conclusions about certain extreme behaviors of characters that may or may not be self-destructive.

What’s the line between self-destruction and redemption? Is there really a victim and a victimizer in a consensual sex act among adults? Finally, from the outside looking in, who are we to judge? 

I agree that, sadly, there is a lot more infidelity going on than anyone might realize.  And women are entering into these relationships just as often and willingly as men.

But I do not agree that all of this consensual sex is so harmless.  Too often I still see young women having affairs with older married colleagues, whether they are in a position of power over them or not, and the young women have this delusional fantasy that the affair has more meaning to the man than it does.  "He says his wife doesn’t understand him."  "As soon as the kids are older he is going to leave her for me."  "He says he has never loved anyone the way he loves me."  Sadly, they do not see that sexual mores may have changed, "hookups" may have become more common.  But the basic reality has not changed.  The man rarely leaves his wife.  If the wife finds out, there is usually a tearful remorse on the part of the wayward husband and the commitment to work harder on their relationship.  When the wayward husband does split, it is rarely to stay with the girlfriend.  Even if he leaves his original wife and marries the girlfriend, how often does that marriage last?  If he cheated on Wife #1, will he also cheat on Wife #2?  If the young woman thinks it was just fine for him to find comfort outside his marriage, will she do the same in her marriage?  The grass always seems greener somewhere else.  We’ve made commitments seem so trivial.  "Starter marriages" are discussed so casually.  The expectation is that everyone cheats.  It’s no big deal to sleep around.  Let’s have 50 or 100 sexual partners (can you even remember any of their names?)

Love and sex don’t seem to have much importance any more in such a throw away society.

Yay the Love Goddess is back! i love you’re articles… wisdom extraordinaire. It cracks me up that so many of the posts talk as though you’re skewering monogamy when in fact you’re just pointing out the way things are. I have four kids in thier 20’s. We enjoy each others time and while they thanfully don’t tell me everything they tell me a lot and i’m good at reading between the lines. your summary of the differences in the generations is right on.

It also cracks me up that people get so self righteous about it. Like divorces and infidelity haven’t been rampant forever. I’m 46 and can count on one hand the people i know in a long term first marriage. Out of those i can count on half a hand the ones who haven’t had at least a little strange in their day.

Women… we’re so "romantic". what’s that about? Has anyone ever actually lived that dream? i mean really? and i’m sure at least one or two people (partly because of the age group of this group) will jump on and say they have. But really? who knows… for all we know the other partner has a long term affair on the back burner.

I don’t mean to sound cynical. i dont even think it IS cynical. and ironically i’m married to the love of my life. Both of us on our second marriage and both of us having had plenty of sex with other people before we met each other. but we met in mid life really… I can’t even imagine trying to get married in this era in your twenties "till death do us part". with our life expectancies that’s a damn long time!  

I had my share of sex partners before marrying and so did my husband - I won’t give the number, but suffice it to say that it’s in the double digits for each of us.

If you have not given a partner a promise of monogamy, you are under no obligation to be monogamous. If you have expressed that commitment, you are obligated to honor it, whether or not it includes paperwork and bling. We promised each other monogamy long before we made the trip to the JP’s office, and we take that promise seriously, along with all the other promises we make to each other.

Is it really so difficult to keep your drawers on around people other than your spouse/SO?

It is difficult for those with arrested development to control their impulses.  I’ve seen 15 and 51 year old people struggle to maintain control over sexual urges.  The 15 year old is a child in the process of self discovery and the 51 year old may not believe in monogamy.  We expect a mature person to demonstrate the poetry of monogamy.  But I agree that monogamy is and has always been a choice.  No marriage certificate will change a person’s thought process.  But give young people some credit Goddess, they know what fidelity is in spite of their limited life experience.  Our young adults may not have many role models who demonstrate a committed relationship, but they still believe that sexual fidelity is attainable and not necessarily restrictive.

Sorry, Love Goddess, but I think you’re way off. I seriously doubt that young women today could have 50 lovers before marriage. Nor do I think that monogamy is dying.

http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/PollVault/story?id=156921&page=1&page=1#

There also has to be a clear definition of what each partner deems as monogamy as well and what the boundaries are in their relationship with each other.  There are a lot of kids (anyone under the age of 24 in my mind) who are having sex and not calling it sex.  As long as there is no penetration then it’s all ok.  There really seems to be a lot of different definitions about what is monogamy in a relationship.  How many people aren’t having sex with anyone else, however are in big time "emotional" affairs.  Those can be just as devestating to a relationship as a sexual one.      

I’ve been writing a series on Divorce and Dating, and because of the people I’ve talked to and the stories they’ve shared, I see the LG’s point. Monogamy is a wonderful idea and something to strive for, but the truth is, people slip up all the time. Marriage is hard, but being single again in your 40’s is no picnic either. I wonder if a marriage with a little "wiggle room" might not be the best option!

To read these real life stories visit my blog: www.fortyfabulous.blogspot.com.