The Love Goddess | 03/17/2009 8:45 am

The Love Goddess: Rainbowing. You Better Sit Down for This One

Sit down, you won’t believe this. I’ve been talking to young girls — girls like your daughters and granddaughters — about two new sexual events: One is called “rainbowing,” and the other involves bracelets.

Rainbowing, on the chance that you don’t know, is when each girl at a party puts on a different color lipstick. And then, each teenage girl performs fellatio on one teenage boy.

Now, brace yourself for bracelets. Bracelets in different colors and widths are worn by teenage girls to alert boys as to what they will and will not do, sexually.

The mystery here is not what girls and boys are dreaming up. The mystery is why, now that these dazzling young girls are permitted to have sex, they are still in the role of pleasing. I mean, rainbowing! Wow! Girls get to service a boy and see their artwork, their smudges of blue and green, on his organ! What fun! This, then, is the upshot of sexual freedom?

Granted, “rainbowing” is a way of avoiding penetration, so some people will breathe a sigh of relief. But that’s not my point here today. This cool, new, “sexy” world where teens (and tweens, too, I’m afraid) are learning, in effect, how to be prostitutes, is as pleasureless and one-sided for girls as was the old, repressed one. (And please, for the moment, don’t talk to me about sexual abstinence. I’m talking about reality here, not wishful thinking.) These girls are telling me that, with their blue lipstick and group sex and pink bracelets, they’re doing the same old, same old — thinking about pleasing boys. And that the “rainbow” is satisfying for no one but the rainbowee.

So when I read in The New York Times style section the other day about One Taste Urban Retreat Center in San Francisco, where women’s pleasure is the focus, I thought, Yes. Here, in a carefully supervised environment, residents experience a meditation in which the men, who remain clothed and are not touched, learn about women’s bodies as do the women themselves. We can pick this idea apart in two seconds if we’re inclined to do so — Does this encourage true intimacy? Is this just more California craziness? — but I’m not. What strikes me as genius, and as deeply serious, is owner and founder Nicole Daedone’s absolute focus on women’s pleasure. Here, the point of view changes. Women don’t learn how to please. The male residents do. Both learn about women’s bodies and the feelings in those bodies and, clinical though the terms of the discovery may be, they begin to understand what women and men have so long been mystified by. As Daedone puts it: “In our culture women have been conditioned to have closed sexuality and open feelings, and men to have open sexuality and closed feelings. There’s this whole area of resistance and shame.”

Bravo, Ms. Daedone. By changing the point of view — encouraging women to understand the pleasure that lies within them, not just in their ability to give pleasure — and by offering them a safe place in which to experience, you are doing an important and brave thing.

-TLG

Like all savvy goddesses, the Love Goddess has her own blog, which you can visit by clicking here.

59 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Teens’ sexual habits, as well as adults’, are nothing new under the sun—just the variations.

By f p on 03/17/2009 8:50 am

e-mail alert

This article is junk food news - ignorantly sensationalized and pathetically outdated.

In 1999, I began working for an online adult magazine based in San Francisco, CA. The website content was often very explicit in nature. I can recall many of the hilarious, oftentimes bizarre, stories shared around our liberal office – including “rainbow” parties (although in ’99, it was practiced by gay men at the Power Exchange sex club, NOT by teens) and instead of bracelets, homosexual men hung handkerchiefs of different colors from the left or right pants pocket to indicate sexual preferences.

Anyone with a teenage daughter should not take these tabloid-like rumors seriously. If you want free advice, go to the library and check out a parenting book instead. A more relevant article might have been “The Love Goddess: Sexuality and Self-Respect.”

By Elle Amoura on 04/30/2009 7:03 am

e-mail alert

Love Godess- I’ve been heartbroken for years over exactly what you’re talking about. our daughters sexualization in ways that makes them simply sperm vesicles for boys/man. i’ve written on other threads about this. I saw it happening when my now 26 year old daughter was in junior high and watched it progressively get worse with the proliferation of access to the internet for kids and the porn that went with it along with the proliferation of reality tv and other media. There’s just no words really to describe how sad it makes me. my question is… as a society… what can be done to stop it?

By Chrome Toe on 03/17/2009 9:34 am

e-mail alert

CT: I am the mother of a teenage girl. In answer to your question, what can be done to stop it?

Here’s what: start when the girls are little. Provide them with positive role models. Teach them from babyhood NOT to follow the pack if they don’t want to, and to develop themselves individually. Teach them to stand up for themselves: it starts in the sandbox. And make sure you keep the lines of communication open during the girl’s whole life by giving her a safe place to talk about things that bother them.

As they get older, watch their friends and how much time they spend with them. Are there guns in the house? You don’t like guns? Don’t let them be in that house unless you are there and you are watching them. Get to know the parents: do they allow videos you don’t agree with? Do they allow unlimited access to the internet? Your kid doesn’t go there unless you are there.

As they get into junior high, it gets tougher. Alone after school in the house every day for hours? NO WAY. Aren’t there after school programs they can be involved in? Can you rearrange your schedule to get home within an hour or so after school lets out? How about (gasp!) making these kids to household chores while you get yourself home? Hanging out with friends with no supervision when you aren’t at home? NO!

High school: more of the same. ease up a little on the unsupervision at home, but make sure you have kept the lines of communication open during the girl’s whole life by giving her a safe place to talk about things that bother them. Curfews are not bad. Internet? A reward for chores done, grades intact, unless it’s for homework and then it is monitored.

Cell phones? A necessity. Keep an eye on the bills, who is texting what when.

In short, be an active involved parent. I’m sure there are a lot of kids out there with parents who still do this type of behaviour, but I would reckon the bigger issue is the girl’s self esteem and view of what male/female relationships should be. And that is done by example.

We ARE getting better all the time.

By nanchan u on 03/17/2009 10:56 am

e-mail alert

Nanchan, I agree with you completely. As much as we do as parents, there still exists the constant battle with the outside world and that can be so heartbreaking. One thing I have always said to both my son and daughter is that although the body may be physically mature, it takes quite awhile for the brain and emotions to catch up and the body should not be making the decisions in these situations!

I feel badly for the girls who participate in these activities - they lack respect from themselves, their peers and unfortunately it would seem from their guardians as well. Such a shame.

By Green Tears on 03/17/2009 11:56 am

e-mail alert

I absolutely hear you nanchan and agree that parental involvement is incredibly important. but honestly i think the issues are bigger than the parents. much bigger. I would venture a guess that many of these girls have loving, responsible and involve parents who have absolutely NO idea that there girls are participating in rainbowing or some other sexual game. whether it’s bracelets or whether it’s a violent dating relationship. My question was more specific as to how do we as a society support our girls better and more responsibly.

By Chrome Toe on 03/17/2009 2:36 pm

e-mail alert

Chrome Toe I don’t believe any of the mothers really responded to your question. Most of them took the approach of Warden as Parent. That never works no matter how strict you are, no matter how many “rules” you make. I think parents as a whole are hypocritical. It’s always “Do as I say, not as I do”. The first thing we as a society need to do is recognize that teenagers are people. Just because they are not considered adults does not mean that they don’t have or are not developing the same physical and psychological needs as adults. Stop treating them like they were born yesterday.

It is obvious that kids no matter what age pick up on EVERYTHING. So that means that we all need to start talking about sex. Stop hiding from it, stop being prudish about it. In this day and age of AIDS/HIV there should always be discussion about sex and I’m not talking about just intercourse, fallatio, and cunniligus. I’m talking about all of it, the mechanics, the feelings good and bad and the hormones. If we have more open discussions about sex it will not be a tabou topic. Some of the children of the world would be better armed to handle situations with their peers as well as make wiser choices.
Education and discussion always beat out ignorance especially when it starts at home and not in a locker room.

Most teenagers do not talk to their parents because the parents don’t know how to deal with what their kids have to say. You will never hear Sussie say “Mom, Dad I’m sexually active and I’d like you to meet my sex partner Ed” If you are the parent that passes out from that revelation or immediately blows your stack you have just cut off your lines of communication. If your child is having sex or considering having sex or is even being pressured to have sex but doesn’t know how to say no, you need to be the first person they come to. Don’t condemn your kids for their choices. They are asking for help. If you don’t feel comfortable or capable of having these discussions, they should be normal conversation in your household, get someone that is comfortable and acceptable to all parties involved to moderate. There are support groups for both parents and teens, research them to make sure they are giving the correct information and not just telling you some pie in the sky story.

The hardest part in all of this is teaching self-respect. Teaching kids to value themselves more than what anyone else thinks of them is difficult. There are so many adults walking around with self-esteem issues that kids don’t really know what it means to respect them selves first. The only way to do this is to recognize that we all have value. It’s not something that someone else labels us with or gives us.

1. Stop treating teens as if they were born yesterday.
2. Arm kids with the correct information so they can make wise choices.
3. Keep the lines of communication open.
4. Teach value and self-respect.

In essence we may not be able to stop teens from having sex but we can arm them with the information, education, and support necessary for them to make wise life decisions without putting them in bubbles or following them everywhere.

By R C on 03/23/2009 1:55 pm

e-mail alert

sorry this is late, but i just found this column and this disturbed me greatly. RC your points 1 - 4 are very correct. nanchan also has good points too. i raised my children with both independence and strictness. but i was always open and frank about everything from sex to drugs to life. i had to know where they were, who they were with and i had to meet parents of any children they were spending any time at. i knew the game of "i’m at suzy’s house!" and suzy tells her mom "i’m at your house!" when really they are at jody’s house getting into trouble. they knew i expected to be able to call them at the house they were supposed to be at and find them there or they were grounded and it was enforced.

one day my daughter said "why can’t i be like ‘so and so’? her mother lets her run the streets!" i said, "so and so is always in trouble, also she has more chores than you do and is older! would you like more chores and more groundings for your trouble?" she thought for a few minutes and realized what a good deal she really had and never asked again. i taught my kids self respect and common sense that now my daughter is imparting to her son and my son is imparting to his nephew. no we shouldn’t jail them in. i was never allowed to run the streets like an adult, so of course i made sure my kids didn’t run in the streets. my daughter gets really peeved when she sees the neighbors letting their toddlers - kindergartners running around with no supervision on our block. she says no child of mine will be allowed to just run around loose.

there is respect and their is foolhardiness. a childs safety is at stake and i will not let them put themselves in that kind of danger to give them more respect and treat them like they are grownups. they have to earn that respect and when they do they will get it back from me. nanchan you and i certainly think a like in that dept.

By Nancy Pea on 04/04/2009 2:55 am

e-mail alert

This is excellent advice, so long as one remembers not to become a helicopter parent.

Raising your daughters well is the best individual antidote to this societal problem. But there is no denying that it IS a societal problem, and needs a societal solution. So don’t stop with your daughters. Educate your sons as well. EVERYONE needs to be hearing and thinking about and learning the message, or it has far more limited effect.

Also, Elle Amoura is correct. So far, not a single journalist in America has been able to confirm so much as one of these parties that actually happened.

By T K on 05/07/2009 11:29 am

e-mail alert

amen to raising boys well too.

By nanchan u on 05/07/2009 12:50 pm

e-mail alert

In addition to nanchan’s comments - which I agree with - I think parents need to be very blunt with their daughters, and at a fairly young age, about just what boys are thinking and just what the consequences can be for the girls, not only in terms of early pregnancy or STDs, but damaged reputations and embarrassment as well (recall the article on the "sexting" suicide).

Choices of clothing have an impact too. Jeans that ride down and display thong underwear; tops that look like lingerie; little flared skirts that reveal everything to those standing below you on the escalator; these things are not cute. It absolutely screams a sex message, often on an inappropriately young girl.

I have a 21 yr old acquaintance who didn’t even particularly want to have sex, but did so whenever her boyfriend wanted it - no surprise that when they broke up, he called her all kinds of hateful names: wh—-, sl—, etc. She was mortified and badly hurt - after all, she was only doing what was "expected" among her peers. This generation seems not to know the difference between being sexy and being a sex toy, and I think parents should discuss this with them. Old Lady Lila is having some very blunt conversations with this young friend; I wish her parents had had these conversations with her earlier, but it wasn’t my place to intrude on this topic when she was a minor.

Girls who allow themselves to be degraded into sex toys suffer from a lack of self respect and deprive themselves of any shred of dignity. Unfortunately, this can even impact their credibility, for me anyway - I know that intellect and sexuality have nothing to do with each other, but I just have this expectation that someone who is serious about their mind or their job will be more self-possessed and dignified… and their clothing should leave something to the imagination! One must also consider how an employee’s image reflects on your business. With this in mind, I would not be inclined to hire someone for a white-collar job if they come off like a hooker or a perpetual Party Girl… so this can impact employment opportunities as well…

By Lila Kuh on 03/17/2009 11:57 am

e-mail alert

Amen, Lila:

The other thing I would remind people is that girls who start off doing this crap often find abusive men acceptable as boyfriends and husbands.

By nanchan u on 03/17/2009 12:06 pm

e-mail alert

so very very true, i cannot stress enough parental involvement in a childs life. my bbf is fond of saying "kids don’t run nothing but their mouths!" sure it’s an old saying and sounds disrespectful. but it’s true. they have no experience in what they are doing and can get hurt so easily. parenthood isn’t a game. it’s serious business and for all our mistakes we still have a responsibility to keep them safe, even from themselves.

By Nancy Pea on 04/04/2009 2:57 am

e-mail alert

As a parent of a teen this disgusts me. I hate to use the "back in my day" expression, but as a teen I never would have dreamed of rainbowing! In fact, I would have ran out of the screaming. Thanks for the heads up!

By Tammy Hendren on 03/17/2009 9:35 am