From birth ‘till the age of four, I thought and believed my mother was my sister (long story) so because of that, we developed a real friendship that lasted until she died.  She was my best friend and I miss talking to her, not being able to pick up the phone and chat about everything and nothing.  My parents went on to have nine children in all, but I never lost my place in her hearth.  I just went on to be mommies little helper.  It felt like playing house.

Remember when we were in our 40s, ladies … and what I call "just coming into our own"??  We still couldn’t explain what was happening to us - really put it into words — but didn’t we begin to have the beginning of the drops of wisdom gained from our own lives?  Didn’t we have the feeling that somewhere within us we liked being that independent woman that began to make her own choices and saw a new and perhaps brilliant light at the end of the tunnel that said that life was still before us in spades, ready to be lived?

My own mother had her first and only child - me - when she was close to 40.  Looking back, she was steps ahead of what we think of as our mothers as, while she was always there for me, she and my older Dad seemed to already have lives of their own, independent of being only "Mom and Dad" to me. 

Again, looking back, I think it was expected, accepted, that I too would do well - with no pushing but many opportunities -  but I learned by example.  I was surrounded by many adults, taken to "old people’s homes" to visit so often that I grew up revering old people.  The stories they told alone kept me fascinated.  My mother had a grand education, a social life like I have never had, and worked.  She didn’t talk down to me.  I don’t remember being punished - though there was the time I carved my name with the tine of a fork into their Duncan Phyfe mahonany dining room table that certainly deserved something quite severe that I may have put out of my mind. 

I remember now an idyllic childhood when I was loved - there was no doubt in that - but I was independent at a young age, learning by example I would guess.  It served me well.  My regrets?  Accepting things my widowed mother did for my husband and I in our adult years without enough thanks.  My mother seemed to "want to" … and it took years for me to realize the kindnesses heaped on us that made those first years of marriage and children so much easier. 

And then she was gone … and on a day like today with this topic in mind, I look back and fully believe that, without my realizing it, she had passed on to me the style, the grace, the manner, the "class" that she exemplified.  As for the love, I see it now as shown in ways that said "I care" in such a multitude of situations in adult years that I almost gasp in realizing now what she had done with love and "with grace". 

would there be a good way to approah her about this

I’ve been talking about this topic lately a lot with some friends and e mail buddies so i’m kind of burned out on it. But for those of you who didn’t have "that" kind of relationship with your mother. you’re not alone. the fact that your female and have a child in no way means your good at it. I think the nurturing mother is in some ways a myth. we’re just people. some of us are nurturing and some of us aren’t. Having done child protective services work i’ve also seen plenty of moms who arne’t just not nurturing but are dangerous or damaging to their children.

With that said… the mother daughter/child bond is still the most important relationship in a life. it forms you in ways that you can’t even define sometimes. even the kids who i’ve known who lived without moms due to abuse and neglect or death… it molds them in ways they sometimes take a lifetime to understand.

Understanding my mother came late in my life. One day I figured it all out, living in your second war, have your husband cheat on you, being left one day without a dime in your purse and a child to raise . All of that could truly be a reason to have a break down and be angry.

Mother was not a happy person and I started to see why. She came out on top of it all, had a fabulous job beating out the men in her accounting department and speaking 5 or 6 languages. Happy? content? not in her vocabulary. Replace that with strict, demanding, no grey areas on anything.

So we were often at odds. She never told me I did something that she was proud of but she would tell her friends that I was fabulous.

I loved her and I miss her still 16 years after her passing. I still wish she would have been able to share and show  unconditional love. 

While I was a teen I was rebelious and resentful towards my mother. I expected perfection.

As a young mother I was a know it all. I was sure that my mother didnt know anything at all about raising children.She seemed to get smarter and smarter!

As I have aged I have learned to appreciate my mother and the life she has led and continues to lead. She has a grace and understanding that only "time in the trenches" can teach. I feel blessed that she is my mom and unworthy of her unconditional love.