Michele,

Thank you.

This is your calling…to be there for widows that continue to have the feeling that no one else really understands the heartache, and pain of losing the love of your life.  Thank you so much for wanting to give us hope!

 

 

Just remember to tell your children that you are sorry that their Dad died.  My mom never remembered that not only had she lost her husband, but we had lost our Dad— and it became all about her.  I never could grieve the loss of my Dad without her crying that she lost her husband.  I needed her to help me with my grief, not just expect me to help her with hers.

Thank you for your honest and moving pieces. My husband is in remission from stage IV cancer, but the chance of reoccurrence lingers. Our boys are 9 and 12, so your story is particularly inspirational for me as a mom.  

My father and mother informally separated when I was about 7, and Dad only came home from the horse track (he raced/trained harness horses) once every other weekend, because he lived at least 150 miles away. So, I grew up a Momma’s boy, for the most part. And my mother was hyper-cautious about everything, and hyper-squeamish. When she was a teenager, she saw a car back over her youngest brother and kill him. So, she didn’t drive.

I believe a lot of that fear was ingrained in me, and probably still is. I’ve overcome much of it through the martial arts, and just the things you go through as an adult. But you don’t want to over-protect your kids. I highly recommend a good recreational environment, such as karate or basketball. But it’s very, very important that the teacher/leader is someone who doesn’t just criticizes, but builds up the student, makes her or him feel good about themselves. I sometimes believe that being around the wrong type of adults is more harmful to a child than being around the wrong type of kids.

Kids are amazing and resilient.  I found that though it broke my heart to have my son empathize with me, it made him feel better to know that he could at least try to help me too.  Obviously I didn’t let him see the depth of my grief, but allowing him to see a little of my own vulnerabilities made him feel less weak and helped us both to share our loss on a different level.  It made him feel less alone to know that I had my really sad moments too. Our relationship is special for our shared loss, and although I’d rather we never had to experience it, I’m grateful for what has come of it.  Thanks for sharing Michele, I look forward to your next visit on WowoW.

"We said Phil’s name often".

I was a child of a father who died young.  When my mother would bring up Dad’s name in normal conversation, it brought me comfort.  He was gone but he was not erased.  The pain of losing a parent also awakens a fear of losing the surviving parent.  Even though a parent’s heart is breaking, it will help the children if the parent will seat down and let them talk about their fears…. even if their fears are also your own.

I understand that there are cultures that abide by the tradition that once a person is dead, that name is said no more.  I would think that children of those cultures would have a great amount of grief and fear locked into their poor hearts and no way to let it out.

Thank you Michele.  Those first days after the loss of a parent are full of conflicting emtions and your children are fortunate to have you to help steer them through it all.  You are blessings to each other.