A Friend Stopped By | 09/06/2009 6:00 am
Is Three in the Bedroom One Too Many? Maybe Not!
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Editor’s note: Sybil Adelman Sage, one of the first women to break
into television writing, is currently working on a fictitious memoir
titled Diary of an Overachiever: Mensa Model Finishes First in NYC Marathon After Solving Economic Problems and Proposing Health Plan Praised by Democrats and Republicans Alike.
Have you ever had a threesome? I’ve never been interested, picturing too many arms and other body parts called into play at the same time, like an overloaded electrical outlet that could, without warning, combust. Can three people be intimate? Doesn’t it create that same, "Sorry, you go ahead" awkwardness of a conference call? And who calls whom the next morning? Or was that how the conference call originated?
As I’m getting older, however, I’m starting to see why a couple might enlist a third person, not to join in the activities, but to serve as a concierge. The responsibilities would vary, depending on the age and needs of the couple. Think of it as sexual assisted living.
During the hormone-driven, teen years, this person would provide condoms and serve as the designated driver if one or both are in no condition to drive. Insurance companies might reduce premiums for those with this risk-reducing threesome in place.
Ages 20-40: The "sextra" is to suggest different positions to add variety, charge batteries for sexual aids and keep any offspring away from the bedroom. A couple engaged in adultery could have their own third person to keep an eye out for suspicious spouses, detectives and tabloid reporters, and in the case of married politicians, to draft the public apology.
Ages 35-50: For those getting a later start on having kids and facing fertility problems, the additional person monitors basal temperature, prodding the couple to have sex at optimal moments and TIVO-ing "The Daily Show" if they have to miss it.
Ages 60 & up: This is when the helper maintains the supply of Cialis and lubricants and remains in the ready position to run in with kneading hands upon hearing a loud cry indicating a Lipitor-induced leg cramp. If one of the team has suffered a hearing loss, the "sex-asst." (as the listing would appear on craigslist) is positioned during all activities to be visible to both partners and communicate, "Faster" and "Don’t stop" in sign language.
Have you ever had a threesome? I’ve never been interested, picturing too many arms and other body parts called into play at the same time, like an overloaded electrical outlet that could, without warning, combust. Can three people be intimate? Doesn’t it create that same, "Sorry, you go ahead" awkwardness of a conference call? And who calls whom the next morning? Or was that how the conference call originated?
As I’m getting older, however, I’m starting to see why a couple might enlist a third person, not to join in the activities, but to serve as a concierge. The responsibilities would vary, depending on the age and needs of the couple. Think of it as sexual assisted living.
During the hormone-driven, teen years, this person would provide condoms and serve as the designated driver if one or both are in no condition to drive. Insurance companies might reduce premiums for those with this risk-reducing threesome in place.
Ages 20-40: The "sextra" is to suggest different positions to add variety, charge batteries for sexual aids and keep any offspring away from the bedroom. A couple engaged in adultery could have their own third person to keep an eye out for suspicious spouses, detectives and tabloid reporters, and in the case of married politicians, to draft the public apology.
Ages 35-50: For those getting a later start on having kids and facing fertility problems, the additional person monitors basal temperature, prodding the couple to have sex at optimal moments and TIVO-ing "The Daily Show" if they have to miss it.
Ages 60 & up: This is when the helper maintains the supply of Cialis and lubricants and remains in the ready position to run in with kneading hands upon hearing a loud cry indicating a Lipitor-induced leg cramp. If one of the team has suffered a hearing loss, the "sex-asst." (as the listing would appear on craigslist) is positioned during all activities to be visible to both partners and communicate, "Faster" and "Don’t stop" in sign language.
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Dear Margo: When Dad/Gramps Just Ain't Interested
54 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
you know, when i first read this blog i thought ‘groan, have i just joined a traditional yet slightly enlightened site for traditionalists? ’
but your funny , wise and diverse responses make me want to hang out a bit. i will say however, that the conservatism of our generation kind of surprises me.
Women on here are still talking about themselves as if they are out of date goods sexually…and there is a surprising lack of conversation about older women/ younger men long term relationships ( NOT speaking of ‘cougar’ trysts!) i am 53, voluptuously built, kind of ordinary looking in many ways. But my 36 year old british partner loves my curves, my lines, my boobs, my wisdom and my humour. Where , to be honest, men my age seemed to just want to put me down or compete.
its been kind of fun to renew my mind and body. and the reason i was reading this blog is because we have seriously discussed threesomes ( it was my idea, i shocked him) as a way of exploring our sexuality. sigh. but he just doesnt want that second guy in there.. :P
seriously, the expanded horizons of an openminded generation of European folks has been a great life stimulator. are we getting too cranky to think about ourselves as really viable sexually without the botox/slimline conversation. the blog was funny but it dissed older sexuality a bit much for me.
Opinions is what this site is all about. I am always open to listen to others’ opinions. A twosome IS a work in progress everyday. But just as you introduce things into your marriage this is something that some people want to do. I have been curious all my life, my first husband and I had a communication gap, that’s why that relationship doesn’t work. There isn’t a thing that my second husband and I won’t and can’t talk about. It turns him on when I talk about bringing a woman home for me. He said he would have no problem with me doing that. I am getting older, am comfortable with myself and our relationship enough to be more adventurous. We have a toy chest and I never had that with hubby #1. I hope I get the chance before it’s too late.
Good luck, Jules in your search for adventure, like the French say "Chacun a son gout"
I have 42 years of bliss with husband number two, I never needed more adventure. Then again this is just for me may not be for numeours other women.
I think so too, Jeannot. The threesome my former husband initiated turned out to be hysterically funny to me. I just couldn’t keep my mind on things and watching the sex-position dance is nothing but humorous.
Now I have a twosome in my king sized water bed. (yes, I’ve slept on a water bed for 30 years) My Great Dane, Savannah, takes up 3/4 and I’m left clinging on to the edge. Those long legs (hers, not mine) reach over and dig into my backside when she’s having her nightly running dreams.
At the end of the crazy sixties, Sam, now in her sixties, spent one night as a threesome. Her verdict: too much trouble by far! The guys got what they wanted but Sam had to wait until breakfast at a greasy-spoon diner for true satisfaction.
The members of the threesome were all, however, overachievers in other areas, with many undergraduate and higher degrees between them.
A "threesome" in the BR is a lot easier, for obvious reasons, if everyone’s gay or bi or bi-curious. If the two primaries, the members of the couple, are overwhelmingly heterosexual and have zero appetite for same-sex action, then there’s no possible combo that’s appetizing for everybody. Just the facts, Ma’m.
Sybils Sage’s piece is brilliant satire, though. Love it.