A Friend Stopped By | 10/20/2009 3:00 am

The Truth About Marriage, by Carin Rubenstein

The author of a controversial new book explains why egalitarian partnerships are the exception, not the rule

By Carin Rubenstein

Carin Rubenstein

Editor’s Note: Carin Rubenstein is the author of The Superior Wife Syndrome, just published by Touchstone. She holds a PhD in social psychology from New York University.

A few years ago, I received a metaphorical wake-up call from Marriage Problem Central, informing me that my state of matrimony was out of
whack.

That pivotal midlife moment came when my husband and I were visiting our extended family in Washington, D.C., to celebrate our daughter’s college graduation. We don’t live nearby, so I’d ordered a cake ahead of time, from a bakery located a mile or so from our hotel. The day of the celebration, I asked my husband of several decades if he’d mind getting in the car to pick up the cake, which I’d paid for in advance.

Doing less is the male default position, while the female default setting is to do more and more until we do nearly everything.

He was adamant in his sincere — and definitive — refusal. "I don’t want to have to think," is what he said, as if that were not part of our connubial arrangement. And it’s not, actually.

See, thinking is what I do; that’s my job in our marriage. Going along to get along is what he does. I’m in the driver’s seat, he’s along for the ride, sitting shotgun while he stares out the window or fiddles with the radio.

Works for him.

The question is: What’s it doing for me? Answer: Not one damn thing.

In the years since that weekend, I’ve discovered that there are millions of wives who share my fate. After studying the matter — I’m a social psychologist and survey researcher — I have come to realize that my situation was predicated on being a superior wife: I’m the one in the marriage whose job it is to do all of the heavy thinking.

Let’s backtrack for a moment. As newlyweds, many of us expect to enter a true partnership when we marry, just as I did. But over time, and especially after having children, these egalitarian arrangements are often transformed into an unrecognizably lopsided state of affairs. Wives end up doing almost everything, including bringing home the bacon; husbands wait for it to fry up in the pan.

It took me much too long to realize that this is what had happened in my own marriage, mostly because it happened so slowly and so naturally, as if it were inevitable. But soon after that weekend in Washington, I realized that I was wedded to a hair-losing, chore- and responsibility-evading extra child.

I had become my husband’s keeper.

This is, as it turns out, the marital dilemma of the moment. My conjugal imbalance is part of a much larger, more widespread problem. Like me, many wives have become the superior members of their union, because they have no choice in the matter. Men do less because they can, because their wives let them slide. Doing less is the male default position, while the female default setting is to do more and more until we do nearly everything.

57 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I get the point she’s trying to make and found it an interesting article - but agree with another comment that a better term might be "put upon" as opposed to "superior wife". I’ve been married 21 years, we have no children and we both work full time. Are there some things that my husband defers to me for? Yes, just as there are things that I defer to my husband for. Do I think there’s an inequality in that? Perhaps, but I want to be careful that it’s not just my perspective. I also took a glance at her test and also found it to be overly generalized. I couldn’t answer most of the questions as I just didn’t relate.

By Diane Western on 10/20/2009 1:42 pm

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Bravo Carin!

Wonderful article and so apropos. Although my fear of commitment saved me from matrimony, I can identify with your definition of your relationship. It’s so funny, my entire life all I wanted was a man that would hang on my every word, adore me to no end and treat me like a queen. When I said "Jump" he would say "how high…and what can I get for you while I’m up there?"

But then I had a couple of relationships in which (like you) I had to think for the both of us. Everything became "you take care of it Bee…whatever you say Bee…" It drove me crazy!

However the upside is those experiences have added clarity to what I do and don’t want in the next relationship I’m involved in. And ironically after reading your article, one of the main attributes I want in a man is one that can think for himself, speak his own mind and make decisions in the relationship.

I look forward to hearing the words "Let’s go to dinner tonight Bel, I’ve decided we’re going to……." Ahhh…..music to my ears.

By Belinda Joy on 10/20/2009 4:18 pm

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The irony is that if we know of a woman whose husband makes all the decisions we tell her she is cow-towed

I think many couples in my generation (I am 45) have it a little both ways - some things he’s better at, some things I’m better at - conflict arise when we both think we are better at the same thing and then it’s a rush to supremacy not unliek a scene from The Honeymooners!

The key is to laugh about it when you can and when it truly is ridiculous, carry a mirror, fight about stuff that matters, and, if it doesn’t matter and it still bugs you, grip about it to your girlfriends over coffee/wine

By Chips AHoey on 10/20/2009 4:21 pm

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I see this kind of relationship all of the time and it’s even in my own relationship. I’ve found that I have to step back and allow things to get a little chaotic and then hubby steps right up to the plate with no problem. I have to let go of control and allow him to flourish as well. Even if he kicks and screams while doing so .. lol .. and I’m cringing thinking that’s not what I would do .. lol.

By Kim Horton on 10/20/2009 4:56 pm

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I remember my mother as one of those "do-it-all" types. And I remember her comment when, deep in the throes of Betty Friedan’s work, I spent an hour or so ranting and raving about how my father wouldn’t help her do dishes and so on. She said, "Did you think marriage was designed to be 50/50? On the best of days, the balance is precarious." That was the first day we really spoke deeply about the meaning of marriage, and I remember it vividly. Her point? Most of the time, there will be one partner shouldering more than his or her load. And making the decision as to exactly WHICH load one carries is something she felt needed to be discussed well in advance of the "I do" moment. "And even then, there will be plenty of surprises," she said. It was a dose of reality for me. It does seem to me, as I look at marriage at this point in my life, that the dream of true equality and partnership is still elusive. Some days it will be close to 50/50, other days more like 90/10, or even 100/0 on particularly bad days. But it is a see-saw that goes both ways. It doesn’t HAVE to be all give and no take on the woman’s part. Nor does she need to enable a husband’s desire to opt out of thinking! For a bright woman, I have to say, Carin, that you set yourself up for this. Several responders have pointed out that letting go of notions of perfection and order may be needed in order for a recalcitrant partner to pick up his (or her) share on a more regular basis. It’s a dance - a flowing back and forward - and relaxing into the dance is what makes the relationship sweet, despite the occasions when one’s toes get tromped on.

By Susan Crawford on 10/20/2009 5:23 pm

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Coincidentally, I just went to a talk last night on this subject. Like it or not, women are the relationship builders. Women’s nature is to care about relationships. Man’s nature is not the same, relationships aren’t necessarily their first priority. I think our men are this way in part because we let them be this way. We care about ‘stuff’ like clean houses, arranging cakes for special occasions etc. Men need help realizing these things are important. And if they don’t or won’t care, then we have a decision to make. It takes two to make it work even if we women have to guide things.

I can’t believe that Carin’s husband saying that was the first indication he was a passive spectator in their marriage. Most likely this started long ago. Why do we let that happen?

Good luck to these guys…middle aged, balding, out of shape guys who can’t be bothered to put in some effort at a relationship. When your wife decides it’s a lot less aggravation and trouble being single, you may find that some of those things she cared about made your life pretty comfortable. And that it isn’t that easy finding another woman who’ll let you get away with that.

Ever noticed that many widowed women who were married a long time wouldn’t dream of getting married again, they are free at last. And widowed men often are scrambling to find a replacement because they haven’t a clue how to use the washing machine or dishwasher.

We need to be clear on what we want, and then be willing to ask for it, and then be willing to make a hard decision if our partner won’t work at stepping up to the plate.

By Allison Allen on 10/21/2009 7:45 am

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Like it or not, women are the relationship builders. Women’s nature is to care about relationships. Man’s nature is not the same, relationships aren’t necessarily their first priority.

Again, I think these overwhelming generalizations are more harmful than good! Personally, I am the first to admit I’m the destroyer of all my past relationships - good and bad. Before my husband, I had a bit of an ego-centric view that ‘all men are…’ fill in the blank. I didn’t believe men could be nurturing, caring, or even do the laundry. My husband proved me wrong. There are men out there who are relationship builders. I think that you’re hurting more than helping by lumping all men into an unflattering stereotype. It’s as bad as saying ‘all fat women over eat’ not taking into consideration medical or genetic factors.

The more conversation I see sprout up over this article, the more I’m upset that such an un-scientific ‘study’ managed to gain a foothold on this board.

By New Yorker on 10/21/2009 10:58 am

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No need to blame the guy for losing his hair. Somewhere in this piece, it would have been nice to hear the author take SOME responsibility for choosing the husband she chose. And perhaps, try to figure out why she selected someone who would require she be a way she doesn’t want to be. Or does? This is not about the husband; it is about her. The psychologist might do well to look inward, methinks.

http://likeasinglemom.wordpress.com

By Pamela Kripke on 10/21/2009 8:56 am

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My dear.. I agree with your words with all my heart.. No one has ever put it quite so well. Where does that leave the women? I feel that men have the better deal. They want to have sex and be taken care of. period..

By Lucy Baty on 10/22/2009 12:33 am

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A wise woman summed up this topic perfectly: "When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple: just don’t listen to anything they have to say; pay attention to what they do."

By Ruth M on 10/22/2009 10:34 am

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This article stops short of blatantly blaming the man for the woman’s choice to handle everything. Because women naturally do it better? This generalization is so dangerous, and infantizing your husband can only result in resentment, and a loss of passion, if there was any to speak of. My husband and I chose to not have children, partly due to the issues in this article. We didn’t want to be functional partners in the rearing of children and managing of a household. We wanted a fun marriage full of passion, freedom, and choices. Many years later, we still have it. We each have our strengths and preferences, but one person does not always do anything. We share responsibilities, and unspoken expectations are a pitfall, so we don’t entertain them. Having kids is work, and if you do your job properly, fun and passion typically come second to the kids. Let’s face it, when you have kids, you don’t often get back as much as you put in; they require time, energy, money, and sacrifice, and your biggest return is for them to be autonomous, happy, and healthy. But that ultimate return on the kid investment is realized when they are adults, if it is ever realized. More people should consider this when they marry and have kids as a default of the union. Marriage does not have to be what is described in this article. But when you have kids, it can seem to be a numbing side effect.

By Annie T on 10/22/2009 11:21 am

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Who cares. As long as the wifey likes sex, everything else fall into place. Women must be aware that they’re not the only fish in the pond. There are millions of women willing to take over the wife duties that want a that loving. Why put up with a b*tch.

By Frank Somsel on 10/22/2009 12:14 pm