Q & A | 10/06/2009 2:00 am

Why Women Should Strive for 'A Life Unfinished': A Conversation With Joan Anderson

The author of The New York Times bestseller A Year By the Sea and The Second Journey on midlife — a time of reckoning, re-invention, exploration and crossroads.

By Joan Larsen

Joan Anderson © Janet Gilcrease

Women seek more inner peace and less external chaos in their lives if truth be told. In her bestselling memoirs – A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman and now Second Journey, The: The Road Back to Yourself – author and nationally known speaker Joan Anderson has shared her own story and made her own discoveries as she has also helped her readers to plot their own second course in life in the mid-years. She’s been on Oprah twice, as well as drawing us all in with her conversations on "Good Morning America" and the "Today" show, helping women design a life of their own. In my conversation with Joan Anderson, I found her openness and honesty reflecting my own as we explored the lives that lie ahead for all of us.

JOAN LARSEN: So many of the women on wOw already have read Joan Anderson’s books, finding Joan a warm friend from afar. We can so identify with this "unfinished woman" as she shares her most close-kept feelings and emotions, making us realize we are not so alone in our own soul searching. We feel we know you, Joan, as a woman going through the stages of her own life, just as we are. Today we are very happy to welcome you to wowOwow.

JOAN ANDERSON: Wow! What a nice introduction! Thank you.

I realized that we too evolve and we are meant to redesign ourselves again and again and again, just like the beach.

JOAN L: Your first book, A Year by the Sea, obviously touched chords with women as it was a smash hit and on the bestseller list. Nine years later and it is still selling well. Were you surprised at all the acclaim?

JOAN A: Well, it’s amazing. That first book was just such a surprise for me because the publisher didn’t think it would do that well. A Year by the Sea took off and it’s now been printed in 17 languages. It’s just a universal message; it’s a universal message in that book – which is who am I beyond the roles that I play? Am I somebody? Do I start out as somebody? Was I once an individual? What is the raw material that I have that I can use for the rest of my life?

JOAN L: Yes. So many questions do go around in our own heads. And your wonderful term, "an unfinished woman," seems to resound in all of us, I think. So can you start from the beginning and will you tell us what the term "unfinished woman" means to you, and should to us?

JOAN A: We’re never finished until we die. For starters that’s it, and I have a bumper sticker that I give women that says "an unfinished woman." My goal is that everyone in the country, in the world, will all be cheering about being unfinished. St. Augustine had a wonderful quote: "The unexamined life is the wasted life." I so believe that. I’ve always been a "why" person – why this, why that – never taking things at face value. I think that’s why most women, when they read my book or come to me — are seeking some kind of a turn in the road. So "unfinished" is such a wonderful term. The most important word in the first book is, "I’m as unfinished as the shoreline along the beach, meant to transcend myself again and again." Then I realized that my kids are unfinished, my daughters-in-law are unfinished, my husband is unfinished, my friends are unfinished. What a wonderful way to look at people.

15 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Oh Wow I have never heard of Joan Anderson. But I have now - I will go and find her books. At 47 I am feeling like something is missing. Ok - it might be that I didn’t have kids and my partner and I never bothered to get married - but I don’t think so. I feel like that there is something in my life that I’m meant to do that I haven’t done yet. My job isn’t as fulfillng any more and it always causes me more stress than joy.

I will track her books down and see if they hold any truths for me.

Great interview.

By diana sheldrick on 10/06/2009 2:10 am

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This is my lucky day thanks to the two Joan’s ! I remain "unfinished" at 71 and I’am facing breast cancer surgery on Friday, Oct. 16th so I need their encouragement to seek those "adventures" my heart yearns for-those "unlived possibilities" while I can. Thankgoodness I have finally given myself permission after 49 years of marriage to take separate vacations with girfriends and do things I really want to do when my husband doesn’t have any interest in them. I don’t feel guilty either,something my Mother would never think of doing! I can’t wait to read Joan Anderson’s two books and share them with girlfriends and my two daughters and three granddaughters. Keep the great interviews and book reviews coming. Carol Witt

By Carol Witt on 10/06/2009 1:30 pm

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Carol, you sound like you have the perfect attitude to battle your upcoming surgery. I am a 16 year breast cancer survivor and at 61 have courageously published my first book, MAJOR LEAGUE BRIDE: AN INSIDE LOOK AT LIFE OUTSIDE THE BALLPARK. I, too, agree with that "unfinished" is a wonderful way to express a woman’s travel through life. Years ago my young daughter had a t-shirt with the phrase "Be Patient, God is not finished with me yet". I am certain that God is still helping us all find our way.

By Kathleen Lockwood on 10/06/2009 5:34 pm

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I have to say that this sounds all too much like An Unknown Woman (Alice Koller), her other books, and her life, and experiences.

By C jay on 10/06/2009 11:18 pm

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Joan. I read your interesting interview. Really, in general, I don’t agree at all with Anderson’s outlook on redesigning ourselves. I realize she wrote this mainly with women in mind, but I think the general premise applies to both genders. Many of us are, “Unfinished”, and I agree with her that we’re never finished until we die; but I don’t agree with what she refers to as, “ the second course in life in the mid-years“. That may be applicable in some cases, but the way she speaks, she makes it sound like that is the true course of life, and that isn’t so. I do however agree that it’s a good idea to get away and be alone for a while, to give ourselves a chance to think things out. I think that in a marriage this should be done on a regular basis, and perhaps even, often, if need be. Anderson, and people like her didn’t do this, and that’s probably why she found herself in an impossible quagmire. Marriage shouldn’t be responsible or blamed for this kind of situation. In fact, marriage is designed specifically to prevent this from happening. The joining of two people, who are right together, who understand each other, and who want to be joined as one, in my view, completely overrides the possibility of finding yourself wanting to get away from it all, and be by yourself. A proper mate eliminates this unfortunate situation, because a proper couple, can hardly stand being separated and away from each other for even a moment. If one feels the absolute need to unconditionally escape the scene, to leave their mate, their home and life-style; essentially their whole world for any lengthy period of time, then it is obvious that the proper mate was not been found. The match is wrong and they might as well be divorced. They should forget it, and if they feel that they must, then start over again properly. But, my feeling is that that these people are far better off by themselves, which is what they should have been right from the start. They weren’t ready for marriage, plus they really didn’t know what the meaning of marriage is. Regarding the interpretation of the Washington psychiatrist, who’s name escapes her, I think he is way off. To say that the first stage of adult love is lust, the second stage being functional relationship, supposedly “hard and boring as hell”, and that to get to adult love you must leave the relationship, is absolutely nonsensical and incredibly juvenile. Thankfully the psychiatrist’s name escapes her and it should remain that way. His evaluation and thinking process is certainly not rational or even mildly sensible. Unless you are one of the unfortunate, who chose the wrong mate, those three stages of adult love as described by the psychiatrist are completely incorrect. True love is not lust, or boring as hell, or conducive to compelling a need to escape and run away from it all “ figuratively or literally”. That is absurd and unbelievably simplistic. True love finds it’s own way of telling you when you are in love and completely enamored of the person you have met. It just comes naturally. And, if it’s right, you won’t be needing to escape to some remote spot so you can be all by yourself re-examining what went wrong in your life. I strongly feel however, that life shouldn’t stop because you are married. One’s special dreams can, and should be pursued. Travel, adventure, study and educational advancement, occupational freedom or any other acceptable endeavor should be attainable just as it would be to anyone outside of the normal boundaries of the union of marriage, but, you have to work out these desires and plans together. Mutual agreement must be, and can be reached, by people who deeply love and completely understand each other.

By Lauriate Roly on 10/07/2009 12:06 pm

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Wow Lauriate!

What a bunch of sanctamonious prattle! Seems to me, is that you are a frustrated person who upon seeing someone strike out to find and document their truth as they see it, you had to write your comment box- diatribe to show everyone just how wrong she is and that you have all the answers to loves complexities (and there are sooooo many.) So take a risk and write a book yourself then! You seem like quite the armchair intellectual…lol.

I suppose you must be right as it appears from your comments you have partnered with the über proper spouse…made all the right decisions in your life, never judged or second guessed your steps in life either, never having had a falling out or major shake up in a relationship of any kind (friend, relative, and or lover.) It must be so nice to be right all the time!

Sorry…I just couldn’t let you get away with all that! Is it always that simple when you are looking down your nose at someone through the benefit of detachment? For you apparently so.

By Julia Wolf on 10/07/2009 4:55 pm

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Hey Julia - you got me. But it ain’t easy being perfect!

By Lauriate Roly on 10/07/2009 5:38 pm

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Lauriate … for the first time - like the woman above me - I read your words and said "WHAT?" And then . . reluctantly, I reconsidered, for Lauriate is perfect. But I don’t think the rest of us live in that dream world. Perhaps we should talk … . do you think????

By joan larsen on 10/07/2009 10:04 pm

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LR’s version of perfect marriage seems to fit the A-frame model perfectly - one side leaning against the other to remain standing. If one person shifts, even slightly, the whole structure can collapse. Much stronger is the parallel structure where each partner has a developed individual life which brings elements of value to enrich the partnership.

By margaret carne on 10/07/2009 9:44 pm

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I don’t think its possible when you are in your 20’s and marry to know if the person is your match in what you like to do etc. Because everyone when they get to their 40’s is a different person. Maybe you grew together maybe not. I was married 25 years and seven children later realized we had nothing in common and I had to get away. But I did not have the resourses Joan had to take time off and write etc. Rather at 45 had to get my first job and support myself etc. Now at 71 (still unfinished) and another 16 year marriage behind me and many careers, I finally feel as if I am at least working on what I want to do and become. I am traveling extensively, working and living with a man who is finally my match

By Effie Velardo on 10/08/2009 12:19 pm

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Effie - I love Joan Anderson’s thinking (joanandersononline.com), finding her not only inspiring but oh! so right. our new way of thinking usually commences when unexpected change is thrust upon you, causing a crisis of feeling so great that you are stopped in your tracks. Surely the economic downturn has stopped many of us in this way. But the truth is that most of us in midlife, halfway to 100, have had to face monumental change—a betrayal, a diagnosis of serious illness, the death of a loved one, loss of self-esteem, a fall from power, to name just a few. Midlife seems to be the time such crises present themselves, and if we are able to face our various dilemmas, we might just be rewarded with a new and necessary reality. It makes sense that finally—when the power of youth is gone, the possibility of failure begins to appear, and dreams of earlier times seem shallow and pointless—an authentic awakening can occur. I love it when she sums it up: I’m beginning to think that a human being is not unlike the proverbial cat with nine lives. Indeed, most of us live a lifetime in a decade. Who we are, what we look like, and who we live with may be entirely different 10 years from now. Each decade brings with it a new certainty—a passage through a portal to the other side. Wouldn’t it be revealing if there were an actual ritual at the end of each decade that marked a person’s achievements—crises managed, lessons mastered, attitudes and ideals changed—so we weren’t merely aging but rather honoring and affirming life’s journey? We are all in need of pondering and then appreciating what is outlived so we can make room for all that is unlived. What great thoughts lie in that final sentence!!!

By joan larsen on 10/08/2009 2:13 pm

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Joan - no one will ever find me in disagreement with a single word you have just now written on this subject. but this is not the message I got reading the Anderson interview. Your picture here gives me a completely different impression from the one I got reading every single detail of the interview. Anderson’s statements annoyed me because they sounded written in stone, applicable far too generally, as if they would affect all women at that mid-life age, and I know that this is not so.

I become very uncomfortable facing such profound advice, freely offered by a very independent women already suffering from a long period of serious marital discord, who just left everything behind and escaped so she could re-route the paths in her life, which she describes as “unfinished”. Her life was a mess. She ran away from home so she could repair it. That’s not a life “unfinished”.

My response referred to how I have tried to live, and how some, (not all), of my acquaintances live. I did not mean to came across as sanctimonious and preaching.

One may well say that I live in a dream world and I guess it is a dream world to some. But not to me. It’s not a dream, believe me. To me it’s very real.

Anyway Joan, the long and the short of it is that obviously I was impressed and very interested in your interview and I wanted to take the opportunity of responding my feelings about it. Perhaps that was not a wise decision on my part.

By Lauriate Roly on 10/08/2009 5:23 pm

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Sounds SO familiar to me! I haven’t heard about Joan Anderson, but she makes sense. Especially with Joan A’s, "St. Augustine had a wonderful quote: ‘The unexamined life is the wasted life.’ I so believe that. I’ve always been a "why" person – why this, why that – never taking things at face value." Augustine was my father’s favorite. He quoted this saying to me often, as a kid! But then, the world wanted me to decide what I wanted to to with my life at 18 … and I had no clue! I thought I had finally "found myself" at 40, went to College, got a degree in Art Education, and found myself unemployable … no one retired (Art teachers stay for life) & Art is the lowest priority in schools. As Kathleen says, "Be Patient, God is not finished with me yet." I keep having to remind myself about that too. Life gives too many twists & turns, it’s hard to "be patient" with ourselves … & others too. The only thing that makes it easier, is that so many others feel the same way. Thanks ladies.Kathleen E Lo Pinto Vignolini

By Kathleen Vignolini on 10/08/2009 5:07 am

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I can agree with Lauriate. It shouldn’t be a mandate that all women must take refuge in isolation in order to find themselves. At the same time, I know the times when I did escape a crazy household with five young children proved to be beneficial for us all. Goes to Joan L. and her sense of balance…and the endless variety of personalities on the planet.

But I do appreciate the interview. And Ms. Andersen’s willingness to support the idea that many women may do well to escape, so they shouldn’t fight the urge.

By Ms. Dee on 10/12/2009 2:23 pm

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First let me say in support of Ms Anderson’s "retreat’ from life that another amazing woman took a retreat and produced a stunning book about life and womanhood. A Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh is a timeless work which offers inspiring insight into the stages of a woman’s life. I highly recommend it.

I have recently completed a project of my own, interviewing woman between the ages of 45 -102 from 5 countries. I was seeking the answer to a question, what is woman’s role in society after the biological imperative to reproduce is past, or after menopause?

What I found astounded me. There is too much to tell here but what is relevant to your discussion is that the women I interviewed had nourished their years past 50 with the accumulated wisdom of all that had come before. I began to call these women The Women of the Harvest because of the impact that their personal wisdom harvest had on their life. Many were not conscious of that growth but they had reaped the fruits of a life lived and it had clearly changed their perspective on living and aging and significantly enhanced the quality of their life.

They had done exactly as Joan L recommends, “Wouldn’t it be revealing if there were an actual ritual at the end of each decade that marked a person’s achievements—crises managed, lessons mastered, attitudes and ideals changed—so we weren’t merely aging but rather honoring and affirming life’s journey? "

So yes, let’s stop a moment at whatever age we are and reflect on what we have become. In affirming our own unique life‘s journey we can become rejuvenated and our entire perspective on aging can change. And if we continue this process of reflection as we age we may come to possess a secret power which will radiate outward into the world and illuminate everyone around us…now that is not a bad role to have in society after 50 is it?

By Jaki Scarcello on 11/05/2009 10:18 pm