I’ve studied Domestic violence for many years, written and spoken out against it. It is a very personal subject for me. My sister was beaten to death by her husband. She was thirty-seven years  of age. If she were alive todday she would be seventy-six.   A high school friend was shot to death by her husband (four shots to the back of the head.) She was finally going to leave him.

Battering is the greatest single cause of injury among U.S. women, accounting for more injuries and deaths than auto accidents, muggings and rapes combined.

Nearly 4,000 women die each year as the result of domestic violence.

Domestic violence is not confined to the poor or to certain races and ethnic groups, but is prevalent throughout society.

Domestic violence is emotional, or physical abuse, or the threat of physical abuse, between family or members including: Spouses, Former Spouses, Parents, Children, Stepchildren, Other persons related by blood, In-laws, from current or previous marriages, Persons who live together, Persons who are dating or have dated or been engaged, Elder abuse and Persons who have disabilities and their caregivers.

Physical abuse includes Slapping, Pushing or poking, Kicking, The twising of any limb, Pulling hair, Biting, Choking, Shaking or throwing someone around a room, Any form of restraint, Rape, i.e., forcing someone to have unwanted sex. Physical violence includes the  use of Guns, Knives, Blunt instruments and Any other weapons.

Emotional or psychological abuse can take on many forms and patterns. The sole purpose of the abuser’s actions is to dominate, manipulate, and control another person. The abuser can act out in the following ways. Name-calling or yelling, Using of angry expressions or gestures, Humiliation, either in public or private, isolation of the victim from family and friends, Accusations of infidelity, Constant belittlement of another person, Constant questioning of the other person’s judgment or decision-making abilities, Threatening to leave, Threats to the children, Accusations of insanity and Ignoring or minimizing the other person’s feelings.

The abuser will often keep close tabs on every penny you spend, giving less than you need to buy groceries, keeping track of the mileage on the car, not allowing you or the children to seek needed medical attention, witholding medication and failing to assist with child care or housework.

The warning signs of coming abuse: A use of alcohol or drugs, A desire to have sex for the wrong reasons, Insistence that you do things his way, Clinging to you constantly, Drawing you away from seeing family or friends, Threats to commit suicide if you ever leave him and Unpredictable behavior.

Women remain in violent relationships for many different reasons. They stay because of their children. They stay for economic reasons. They stay because their lives have been threatened by their abusers if they leave. They stay because they have been beaten into submission. This means they have been emotional, psychologically and physically beaten to where they no longer have any self-esteem. They believe they are worthless, ugly, unattractive to others and no one could possibly want them if they were to leave. They believe their abuser is the only one who loves them. This has been ingrained into their psyche. There is also whats known as the honeymoon period. This means abusers will shower their victims with gifts and beg for forgiveness. This can last for a week, a few days, a day or less before they return to their abusive behavior.

Abused women will leave their abusers four to five times or more before finally leaving permanently.

Abuse does not only happen among hetereosexual females and males. Abuse takes place in homosexual relationships as well. Women are not the only persons abused.

Men are abused by women but are often ashamed to admit  to being abused for cultural reasons. Men are taught to be macho from the time they are little boys. They will not call the police for fear of being ridiculed and made to feel less than a man. Culturally they are taught never to hit a woman (and rightly so.)  Some men will leave the relationship and others will remain and their battering continues.

Historically, domestic violence was not taken seriously. When the police arrived at the door. The abuser wastold to take a walk and cool off. It was viewed as family business. Today laws have changed. It is taken seriously. Even if the party refuses to press charges. If there are signs of domestic violence the abuser can still be arrested. 

The moon is in Scorpio so it’s no wonder that the wOw staff came up with this abuse discussion.

One problem is that although some people fit the full profile of the classic abuser (or abusive personality), there are other people who simply have abusive components in their personalities. They can be just as destructive, maybe moreso, because they are not so clearly recognizeable. I did have one boyfriend—not for long—whom I called "Dr Jekyll and Mr Freckle". ‘Nuff said.

I was raised with plenty of physical abuse, and vowed I would never allow that from anyone again.  I was married about 6 mos. when my husband hit me for the first and last time.  I packed and left within a week.  I have made plenty of other mistakes in choosing  whom to love, but never again have i been abused physically  in my 65 years.  Some people do learn.

I don’t think there is any one pattern of behavior that leads to abuse. Not everyone who winds up in an abusive relationship was abused as a child or witnessed an abusive marriage on the part of their parents. Abuse in its many forms crosses all the lines that we draw among ourselves: race, class, economic status, etc. I don’t really know what the victim’s Achilles’ heel is that makes an abuser hone in on that particular person, but I suspect that self-esteem issues are at the heart of the matter. Abuse can be an insidious creature that slowly creeps up on you without you even realizing it until you find yourself in the middle of an abusive relationship and getting out is not always as easy as packing your bags and leaving, not when there are children involved or limited economic resources or a legal system that doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do. My best friend warned me about marrying my ex-husband, though I don’t think either one of us realized at the time that he had the potential to be abusive; still, there were certainly issues and red flags, and I put my blinders on. To her credit, after the divorce when I reminded her that she had indeed warned me and that I had not listened to her advice, her magnanimous response was, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

When I was a child I was verbally abused, sexually abused, raped, the whole nine yards.  I couldn’t leave becuase I was child.

Coming from an acholic home I wasn’t sure what having a good family upbringing, I got out as soon as I could.

Because I was a good enabler and co-dependent to these people I married a man who was also abusive, excep he didn’t show it until we were married.  I loved it when he got orders overseas, because it gave me a break from his verbably abuse.  And a husband can rape his wife, he just keep it to our selves to keep the family together for the sake of the kids.

It’s only the last seven years that no one has had control over me (control in every aspect of life).

It’s hard to leave when you have kids, because no matter what many people say, it’s hard to walk away with no means to support your children on your income alone.

The only reason I never reported it to the police is because the military doesn’t tolerate abuse, and he would have been put in jail, and no matter what anyones says you have to do what is right for your kids.

he never abused the kids and I never let them know what was happening, when he got orders to another state, the kids and I didn’t go with him and the last 7 yrs of the marriage my kids and I didn’t miss him at all, but I made sure the Marine Corp knew the situation and they made sure he paid the mortage, and anything else that was needed.

I’ve been divorced for 7 yrs and once in a while we have to interact becuse one of the kids got married, and other family obligations.

He’s was alousy husband, but since the divorce his’been good father, and I beleive it’s totally out of guilt.