LC - Having worked with families in a Social Services setting in England I must endorse your posts.  The knowledge and advice there is sound and tallies with my experience. 

I think low self esteem has an enormous amount to play in domestic abuse situations but even people who are relatively confident can be vulnerable in some situations such as pregnancy, so even when a childhood has been "happy" there are usually indications that there has been some insecurity and this can surface in adult life at a vulnerable point.

Another point I would like to make is that often it is women who are abused (not always, but a high percentage of the time) and it is a sad fact that we still live in a patriarchal society, where women are viewed as objects, not fully rounded people, in many facets of society, particularly in advertising etc etc.  Also as has been mentioned, men are brought up to think in this way about women and women support it.  So it is important to keep talking out about these subjects and keep challenging even seemingly benign comments which are derogatory towards women.  Over the years I have been accused of being stupid, a feminist, not knowing what I was talking about, too male etc by men and women for speaking out about sexism in our society, and I don’t consider I am any of these, just a human being!

Warmest wishes to all the women out there who are talking about their experiences - it takes so much courage to do what they have done ie stand up to their abusers.

By the way, I am not an insomniac, it is mid morning over here!

Here’s a different perspective.  I was forced to be a homemaker, not by my husband, but by my in-laws.  They cut me off from the community by telling lies on me, made it impossible for me to drive because they knew that I had vision issues from birth, called me a slut, stalked me, had other people go along with their schemes to stalk me, and nothing I could say or do could get me out of this situation because people believed them and not me.  I’m still in this situation and trying to get out.  My husband moved to Florida to continue his education, but we’ve ran into series of bad luck after another.

The pick-up truck that we were going to take to move me and my 15 year old son there, the gas tank was sugared, and my husband who relied on people who were also loyal to the in-laws put these people’s names on his resume as references, who then in turn gave a bad name on my husband and forced him to take a job making half of what he was making, so we only have enough money to pay his rent and the mortgage payments here, so I can’t get there to be with my husband.

Bullying and manipulation has been my life, and I have never had a voice about it until now.  You never know what you can endure it, until it happens to you.  I have been threatened and went to the police, and the police basically laughed in my face because the in-laws know powerful people in my community.  I don’t have don’t have the freedom to even go to the grocery store by myself, as I live ten miles away from the nearest one, too far to walk.  So if you wanna talk about emotional abuse, I’ve lived it.  People have been told that I was too dumb to pass the written test, so that’s why I don’t have my driver’s lisence, and I cringe in embarressment and say nothing.

I have a friend who a year ago left her abusive boyfriend, father of 2 of her 3 boys.  They were together for 5 or 6 years and he didnt abuse her often but when he did it was bad.  He cheated on her several times and each time she left, but he came running to her begging to be taken back and she did b/c of her low self esteem. 

The final straw was when she was holding their 1 month old baby in her arms and she called him a liar so he got a loaded gun, held it to her head and told her if she ever called him a liar again he would shoot her, all this time their 2 year old was watching. 

She was able to get out and has been on her own now for a year…it has been very, very, very hard for her b/c she is now a single Mom, she does get little child support but thats it.  He will never have custody of his kids but he is fighting for visitatiion, yet he wont pay for supervised visitation…

I have nothing but respect and admiration for my friend b/c she was able to get away from him.  We as her friends knew there wasnt too much we could do until she was ready to leave, until she had had enough. 

Thankfully she didnt have to change her name or go through a divorce, as they were never married, but up rooting yourself and your kids was and still is very hard on her. 

To those women who get out and make it, We are Proud of You!  It may feel its you against the world but its not, you are never alone!

I, myself, went through some abuse from my mother as a teen.  Fortunately, I had loving grandparents who saw how she was treating me and believed me when I left home and they took me in.  My leaving (she said) said it made her look like a bad mother and she turned one of my younger brothers against me (a month later he understood why I left as her negative attention turned to him). Several months later, after my mother got me a job at a factory where she was working, she called me a derogatory name in front of all her coworkers.  Apparently someone pulled her to the side and spoke with her.  After that, the abuse stopped (22 years ago) for me and my mother and I get along very well now.

I also have a very good friend (met online) who suffered abuse from her (now-separated) husband.  He isolated her, physically, verbally and emotionally abused her, yet made out that she was the abuser in the relationship. He would bring home food for himself and the children and conveniently forget to bring her anything, wouldn’t allow her to work and if she did, he’d sabotage her so that she’d miss work and lose her job, attempt to seduce every female friend she had, made out she was a lazy slob to the neighbors when in actuality she has severe asthma (He’d limit her ability to get meds.) and severe arthritis so that it was painful for her to do much of anything on bad days.  He once went out on a pretext to get her some OTC arthritis meds, (She was crying due to the pain.) and he came back 4 hours later empty-handed after deciding instead to "babysit" (in reality cheating on her and using pot) for friends.  I could go on and on about things she related to me what he had done to her.  She was alone as her mother had died several years before and he had the rest of her family fooled.  When I was able, I drove over 1000 miles to go get her and bring her home with me.  If she made a remark she was hungry or needed a coffee on the way back, I’d pull in and we’d get it.  Every time it left her in tears.  I helped her get physically healthy (She did nothing but eat and sleep for an entire week after the return.).  I’d like to say she’s done a lot better for herself (she did for a while), but I can’t say she has now.  She’s in another relationship, new child.  He’s a verbal abuser and has threatened her, but not carried through.  He’s not a good provider, insecure and has anger management probs.  The only reason they are still together is because of the new baby. 

I also have another friend, a young man whom I met through an online hobby several years ago, who has been continually abused by his parents—some physically, but mostly verbally, emotionally and mentally.  As our friendship progressed, he related his story of abuse to the point that it makes me wonder how people like his parents were ever allowed to have children at all.  He is a very intelligent young man, warm-hearted and loving and only looking for acceptance and love, which led him to places most people wouldn’t go (online or off).  He was bumped up a grade in elementary school because he was so smart.  The next quiz he brought home was a C (He’d been making As and Bs.) His mother, with knife in hand, told this 9-10 yo boy that if he brought another C home that she would kill him.  He was grounded for entire semesters for bringing home a few B grades (He made As and Bs.).  Anything he found pleasure in, they wouldn’t allow it.  He was fond of Magic: The Gathering.  They told him the game was witchcraft and burned any of his cards they found.  If he was disobedient in any way they perceived, in addition to spanking, his father (a former Green Beret) would put him in military restaining hold and make them extremely painful to the point of making him cry out in pain (isn’t that illegal?). His mother would toy with him emotionally and verbally, and anything that went wrong in her life was his fault.  Anything he confided in her, she’d turn around and use on him in her next assault on him.  She would ask him why couldn’t he be like this other kid or that kid instead of who he was.  Meanwhile, one of the kids she wanted him to be like was a priviliged female socialite who had a group of boyfriends around whom she would have abuse and bully people she didn’t like.  When the young man came home saying he’d been beaten up or stuck with scalpels or knives, his parents refused to believe him, then later told him he was making the story up for attention and even later said he was doing it to himself for attention.  Meanwhile, this socialite drove 1 schoolmate to suicide and another into a mental institution by her bullying. He couldn’t leave home because he didn’t have the funds to support himself while going to school or attending college.  His parents had him convinced the police wouldn’t believe anything he told them, that the instant he left home he’d be mugged or murdered and the worst they’ve tried to do is tell him that he can never have "true" friends because they don’t exist, because all "friends,"eventually only want you for the money they can get from you.  These words from people who lock themselves up in their homes at 5 p.m. and don’t leave home, don’t allow phone calls after 7 p.m. and punish their 20yo college attending daughter for not being asleep by 10 p.m.  They have no friends.  This all due to the abuse they endured at the hands of their own parents and their own bad judgement.  I could go on and on.  The stress of staying with his parents, the cyberbullying (over politics and religion) raised his stress levels into the dangerous hospitalization zone.  He was constantly sick with GI probs.  When taking a stress level test, scores ranging from 1-1000 (1000 being high stress and hospitalization recommended), he scored 956.  Upon finally being able to financially leave them (after being disowned by his mother and father several times because he didn’t do something she wanted a few times) he finally was able to move out.  Since he has done so, the very next testing of his stress levels, his score dropped in the low to mid 500s.  Upon losing the cyberbullies, his stress dropped into the normal range at 410.  He is rarely sick now.  Through all this he put himself through college on scholarships and grants and award monies.  He graduated magna cum laude last year with 2 majors and 2 minors.  He is finishing up his Master’s and was accepted yesterday into his university’s doctorate program in his chosen field.  He is freelancing as a business consultant for a new restaurant opening close to where he lives, and has worked so hard for the owner (who is just awed by his abilities and lets him know he’s appreciated and that he’s 1 of a kind) that he’s going to be given a 10% ownership in the business after it opens.  His confidence and self-esteem have gone through the roof and he can’t believe all the good things that have happened to him since he moved away from his parents.  He’s achieved all this, yet his parents call him a loser, that he’s screwing up and he’s only being used.  I don’t know about you, but I would be proud to have a son like him and if they do finalize disowning him, I’ll adopt him in a heartbeat. 

F Fox said the moon in Scorpio is bringing this deep discussion out.  But as a Scorpio and a lover of deep thought and introspection, this topic is always present if your eyes are open.  It’s the pink elephant in the room when people are afraid to confront the abused or the abuser.  It’s a powder keg and people don’t want to get hurt in the explosion.  It’s pure agony to witness.  I was damaged by abuse, so I know first hand what it does to a person psychologically.  But that was years ago, I’m stronger now. Today I educate my daughters and other young women on the signs of abusive behavior.  When I talk to them I make them realize that women can be abusive too and that there is nothing worst than a destructive relationship, so pick your love interests carefully.  The rest is up to those outside the relationship in terms of positive help and support.