My mother was abused by my father and I swore, when I was little, that I would never allow any man to hit me, and it has never happened.  I’ve had many men try to bully, threaten me but I learned a long time ago that I can outsmart them with words that cut. You see, men that abuse women are emotionally weak.  Physically strong, yes, but when you attack their heart they are disarmed.  They don’t expect a physically weaker woman to retaliate with strong words.  I don’t let up until he recoils because I know his kind will try it on another woman if I don’t.  Any man that’s met with me will think long and hard before trying to abuse another woman. 

I no longer care. After years of being screamed at, yelled at, hit, slapped, chased and pretty much everything except molestation during childhood. I just don’t care.

I’ve read books, seen therapists, had myself put into a home for a while. Checked into a home for abused women (that was just about a joke), group with other abused women talking about how hard life was/is for them.

My daughter isn’t in a good marriage but it’s better than alot of others and she’s not abused. Won’t stand for it.

My son has an abusive girlfriend that is sly and he is just like her. They both beat on each other.

I finally stood up and said no more or else I’m gone in EVERY way. That startled my husband along with my leaving for the shelter and telling him I no longer loved him and never will.

 I’m here due to health problems, pretty much left alone now, roof over my head and food on the table. I had to learn to a certain degree there are problems in a marriage and some of what I believed to be pertaining only to my husband is actually "real life".

Why don’t I know about ‘real life’? My mom was overprotective to the point that I had no friends, went no where and rarely got to go outside to play. On the other hand she would scream, yell, whip me with a belt leaving bruises for nearly everything I did ‘wrong’. We have since made peace and are great friends. I’d do anything for her.

You see, she was abused worse than I had been and had been beaten so I wasn’t beaten bloody like her. She cried and apologized to me several years ago (altho the abuse ended at the age of 15). I said since God had forgiven her years ago I had to and it was no longer there.

I never screamed at my kids, never taught my daughter that she was to ‘bow down’ to male authority, never taught my son to hit ANYONE else and the physical abuse had ended while they were children. When questioned later both admitted they couldn’t recall my being hit by their dad in front of them. We had gone through a spell where my husband wasn’t scream/cussing/hitting me.

No, he wasn’t raised in an abusive home, the parents never beat the kids and didn’t argue in front of the children. But they showed a very tradional front to the world. Never heard a cuss word or bad comment to the other out of the 20+ years my MIL was alive. Only thing was my husband’s older brother was overbearing and he’d aggravate my husband every chance he got. Attention hog is what I call him, very jealous and that made a strong impression on my husband.

And on me later.

A test I read about:

Dogs put into pens. Some had never known anything but the pens and others knew about running free, having attention and love.

Both sets were put into pens where people would stand outside the pen and any move the dog made, they’d be shocked by cattle prods. Eventually both sets of dogs would just lay down, realizing that any moe would cause pain.

Both set of dogs had their doors opened, the dogs that had known freedom before eventually left out and enjoyed the freedom again. The ones that had never known love, security, or a pain free life had to be taken out of the pens.

Better the devil you know and have some control over (ha ha) than to go outside and get into worse trouble?

I tried to get out of pen on my own and it didn’t work. Trust me, I tried for several years.

Some can’t get past that pen door. I don’t say this for sympathy nor do I want it and don’t expect it. But I hope it’s a different perspective for others and will help those that are too scared to say they are still there to come out and share.

She cried and apologized to me several years ago (altho the abuse ended at the age of 15). I said since God had forgiven her years ago I had to and it was no longer there.

 I meant that ‘to’ to be ‘too’. Sorry.

I suffered tremendous psychological abuse from my mother while I was growing up.  The hitting (not beating, just hitting my head or slapping my face) was nothing (indeed, I thought it was normal!) compared to the constant undermining of my self-confidence.  And when she was angry with me (usually because she’d make me cry and then get angry that I "made a scene"), she would not speak to me for days or weeks until I apologized. According to her brother, my uncle, this behavior started before I can even remember but he didn’t reveal this important information to me until she was dead.

As soon as I could, I moved 3000 miles away and, when she visited, she continued to try to control me.  However, as I matured, I learned how to deal with her.

What was the great gift that she gave me?  Whenever I wasn’t sure how to react to something my children said or wanted, I would think what she would have said or done AND THEN I WOULD SAY OR DO THE OPPOSITE.

My son claims to have had the happiest childhood of anyone he knows and my daughter is a wonderful mother to my two grandchildren who adore me.

THANKS, MOM!!

There are as many reasons why a woman (or man) put up with abusive behaviour as their are Abusers…………

The Sadness is that we still live in a culture that allows it to continue.

We still have women (even one wow poster) who have advocated that it’s OK for a man to hit a woman if provoked to do so.

There are women who come from perfectly wonderful homes with loving parents who end up marrying or getting into relationships with abusive men.  What’s the answer to that?

There are those who were abused and become abusers………

As I stated in my opening……….there are so many different reasons there is no simple answer.

We do need to start training our children to be loving good citizens of the World.

I truly believe there is one WORD that could almost heal all the wounds of mankind (not medical) RESPECT!!!!!!!!!!!

If we teach children to be respectful………treat them respectfully what a great change would transpire in our lives.

We dont hit or physically damage someone we Respect………

We don’t lie and cheat to someone we Respect.

We don’t destroy property or steal from people we Respect

RESPECT must be taught………it also must be earned.

It is the way and means to a better life for all people.

My name is Jeffrey Friedman, and I am the Executive Director of the Retreat, a non-profit organization that has been providing domestic violence services for over two decades.  From our experience people “put up with abuse” for a variety of reasons: a)  Financial- We are finding that especially during these trying economic times, household stress levels are swelling from fears of job loss and foreclosure, and consequently incidents of emotional, physical, and mental abuse have begun to spike.  Potential clients of the Retreat report being ever more frightful to abandon their abuser(s) and face the negative financial ramifications. The sad reality is that females often earn less money than their male counterparts.  In addition a woman may not work because of her partner’s objections. Employment is compounded when there are children involved.  b) Fear- Utilizing threats to instill fear is an effective technique to keep someone engaged in a relationship, which is the ultimate goal of any abuser. The message that terrible things will happen if you leave has bombarded a woman by her abuser.   He has convinced her that no matter where she goes, he will find her and hurt her or the children.  He may also threaten suicide, which is quite common in abusive relationships.  c) Children - More often than not a woman stay in an abusive relationship because of the children.  The mothers we serve at the Retreat report that they want their children to have nurturing relationships with their father and that they feel very guilty "breaking up" the family. Ironically, a majority of mothers we serve state they often leave because they realize the children are being adversely affected by family violence. d) Love-Many victims want their relationship to work very badly and are willing to hang in there and wait for things to improve. Often women believe the promises her partner has offered and she can’t give up on the relationship because of a few issues.

e) Religion- Most religions strongly frown upon divorce and the breakup of the family. f) Isolation - When the time comes and a victim decides to leave an abusive relationship, she is often alone and has been isolated her from her family and friends for extended periods of time. She has nowhere to go. Often the victim feels ashamed about her situation and that it is her fault.  She is scared of the unknown of the future, not having anywhere to go, no money and or means to care for the children. 

What the staff do at the Retreat is to provide hope for mothers and their children.  Our staff show the people we serve that they can have a life free of violence and abuse.  They show them they can be in loving nurturing relationships.  

For far too long, communities have been standing on the side lines and allowing domestic and family violence to thrive.  This is no longer acceptable.  We must stand together as a community and pledge that family violence is unacceptable and that we are not going to stand by and let this continue to happen.  In our community there are 26 animal shelters…..and only one domestic violence shelter.  I am hopeful that these meaningful discussions will raise awareness about domestic violence and prompt people to get involved to put an end to family violence.  

Jeffrey Friedman