Just one: http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2237765888/tt0075005

I guess I wonder why mothers are the ones that can’t be happy even "if" their children aren’t.  I’m doing everything I can right now to be happy for myself and my other children while one of my adult child has become an addict and is miserable right now.  I need to detach with love in order to get through the grief and pain I am experiencing.  So do I think that this old adage is true… ABOSLUTELY NOT!

How do we, the seasoned parents have a good give-and-take relationship with our children without intruding on their space? We want them to live their lives - we say we do — but, darn it, it is hard not to want to give, well, what? — what shall we call it?  I guess "guidance" . . because after all, we have been around the block a few times — and all we are doing is trying to lessen the mistakes we see in the offing.  Isn’t that right?  That way - we hope to see them happier which - darn it - makes us breathe a bit easier and makes our own life happier.  There is what I think is a wonderful bit of poetry from Abigail Tratford that I am going to throw in as I believe poetry lightens what often we, as parents, think of as a heavy load far past the weaning stage.

Moms, Pops—always give
Your advice on how to live.
Be sure to ask if who they’re dating
Is the one that they’ll be mating.
Let them know how much the parent knows
About the cut of hair and clothes.
And you should surely question why
They want that bigger piece of pie.
Always, always be intent
On whether they can pay their rent.
Be sure to pierce through bluster-bluff
To suggest that they’re not good enough.
If their behavior doesn’t fit the bill
Threaten to cut them out of your will.
And any giftie that you bring
Should always come with a little string.
It will always be a service
To bring up that which makes them nervous.
And if this brings closeness to your kid,
You’ll be the first it ever did.

Fair warning to all parents - though from the looks at what I’ve seen happen in the families around me, easier said than done.

Ones happiness should not be based on the happiness of ones adult children. Parents send their children out into the world equipped  with the life skills they’ve taught them. Parents send them with their prayers and love. Praying daily that along this journey called life they will experience more joy than sorrow.

 

A hard question to answer honestly. I have the two sons and two step sons. All four of them have had devastating losses in their Young lives. My oldest son lost his wife (by murder) and his two oldest children kidnapped (32 years ago) leaving an 8 month old baby in the house alone. (She’s MY heart) Never to be found……. My youngest son lost his beloved son at age 16 after having a Heart transplant at age 14. (10 years ago) My oldest stepson lost twin babies ( 30 years ago) My youngest stepson lost his wife when she was still very young, (20 years ago) I’ve always been an Optimist and positive person by Nature. I thank God for this kind of personality….It has saved my life The Despair one feels, not only for your own personal loss but for the loss to your children and grandchildren is far more than beyond words………… The Saying "TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS" is not true at all. Time creates a wall or scar around all the pain and despair and allows you to put it in a safe place in your Mind and Heart.  It has a way of leaking out at the most peculiar times. To live with the constant stress of the Unknown is much worse than the deaths. I have always prayed and Hoped that an answer would come about my ‘missing’ darling granddaughters before I die. Twelve years after my Oldest son lost his wife and children he remarried and had another daughter who is now 20 years old.  She has been devastated with Epilepsy……….getting worse all the time. Had Brain surgery trying to stop the 100 or more seizures a day.  It didn’t work. Now my sweet little granddaughter is unable to walk……….talk or have any kind of life. It is so heart wrenching ……….the Agony my Son and his wife lives with on a daily basis is more than I can describe.  My heart aches for all of them and our family for the continuing pain we struggle with on a daily basis. Yet, when my Son and I have conversations about this and wonder how we have both survived all this agony I always say to him……………Sweetheart we are like the bottle of milk……..we’re the cream and we will continue rise to the top. Am I a Happy person, I can’t honestly answer that…………Do I have happiness in my life…….ABSOLUTLY I still have my two sons…………my other two granddaughters who give me immeasurable pleasure. A Sister that I adore. Even though life can have so much pain…………it also can have such sweet love and joy. I had hoped to achieve BLISS in this life time……………that will have to wait. Dona’s Missing Sisters Brandi and Tiffani Photo Album - MySpace Photos

This saying refers to the maternal feelings that are usually so deep in a Mother that they continue for life.  As Dona describes, she feels the pain of all her children and will always.  This does not stop when the children become teenagers or leave home or even when they marry or have children themselves.  It continues naturally as part of a natural process.

However life is not all pain and sorrow in motherhood or otherwise and in fact there is hopefully a lot of happiness also and women are not just mothers and do have other joys to experience in the world. In addition to this a good deal of the feelings that some parents will feel for their adult children if there are issues will be mixed with feelings of guilt - is it my fault? could I have done something differently? - and these feelings will overshadow the parent and will add to the burden the parent is carrying, but these feelings will not help the adult child, even if there was something they could have done differently.

So I would say that I agree to some extent with the saying, but to allow another’s feelings to take over your life, even if that other person is your child, would be negating that person’s own personal responsibility and not allowing yourself to fulfill your own potential.

Dona, your story really touched me. It seems that you are so full of love that you have not let the tragedy in your life overshadow you - warmest wishes to you and your family.