Letter #1: The handwriting’s on the wall. How have you put up with it this long? Your husband is a scumbag.

Letter #2: You’re not old. Counseling or…divorce. It’s admirable you won’t consider adultery, but as time goes on the temptation will probably increase.

Great advice Margo to letter #1, I laughed my "you know what" off.

Concerning LW#2: I’m going to disagree with alot of other opinions here. Some men do not have an aggressive approach to sex contrary to popular belief.  I don’t think your husband is turned off by you , he just doesn’t have your sex drive. I think you are so hurt that you have shut off your sexual feelings for him. Counseling probably didn’t work because he wasn’t an active participant in it. Only you can decide what your priorities are. Just remember that 42 is not ‘old’ and you are far from being washed up.

Dear Margo,

I love you!  Your advice is -as ever- spot on for these two ladies…  I hope they hear your words and take them to heart.  As I recently read a quote about being "middle aged" "You have a lot of time left, and not a moment to waste,"  I hope these two folks work on their issues w/out delay.

My best to you -

LW 1

He’s not having an emotional affair—-he’s having a regular AFFAIR!

You must open your eyes and just say to yourself, "This is wrong. I  married him with the agreement that we would bond only to each other in this way (emotional or physical, doesn’t matter). He has violated our promise."

Time to cut that dead weight loose and move on with your life. Don’t waste it on him.

LW 2

I would agree: either gay or just not a very sexual creature. For some folks, sex doesn’t rate super-high. Have you and he actually sat down with a counselor who can address that specific issue? Have you asked him if he is gay? Perhaps it’s time to really dig deep and a counselor probably is the best way for you two.

Most everyone has said this, but I’ll go ahead and add my 2 cents worth. The guy’s cheating, plain and simple. They may not have crossed the clothing barrier…yet…but the fact that you’ve expressed concern and he’s told you he’s not willing to tone things back is enough reason in my mind to head out the door and to an attorney. Find out your options, and seek counseling if he’s willing, but I doubt this dude will want to work through something he doesn’t see as a problem.

As for L2, honey, please leave. You’re only 42! There are still many men out there and available to you, who won’t make you feel like a woman-husk. Get out of this destructive situation and focus on YOU, things you like to do and that make you feel good. Once you do that, a man will come along who appreciates all you have to offer. As Greg Behrendt says "don’t waste the pretty!" Especially on this loser.

#1: Margo is on target! Whether consummated or not, the emotional affair is an important issue, and male menopause may be the culprit. In my neck of the woods, these post-adolescents buy a  white or silver car.  

#2 Touches on a personal issue in my life. And, I wish the writer luck in solving this problem.Counselors may help, but they didn’t in my case, and I stayed in a marriage too long, because I felt my children needed a stable home; I divorced when my children were older. 

Men are not as forthright about dealing with this issue of mismatched sexuality, so I urge the writer to examine her own needs, beliefs, and willingness to face the end of her marriage. One therapist told me I had a very strong super ego, which meant that adultery was not considered.

I realize that the husband is a good family man, but spending a life without intimacy is a "living death," so I urge facing  change.

 Forty-two does not make a woman ineligible or unattractive to others. Actually, no longer living daily with someone who rejects you so profoundly may help you to regain a sense of yourself. And,  you will find many other men who will cherish and love you. Don’t give up! And, don’t settle!

Regarding: LW2: Before you dump the husband, or assume he’s gay, have you checked his health? Both my late husband and my present husband developed diabetes. Diabetes can affect the extremities and I don’t mean hands and feet. Perhaps he is afraid to start something he can’t finish. I’ve had to work past this in both of these men.

On the other hand, if he doesn’t have the drive to start things, and you do, but things are good after it gets started, who cares who starts it? I always had more sex drive than Hubby #1 but we worked things out. There are times in every marriage when the lust light is burning low. Both of you could be under stress. You could be exhausted from working and caring for two kids. He could be worried about his job. Definitely the no-sex issue is a barrier between you.

It’s up to the one who is unhappy with the status quo to turn it around. In this case, it’s you. You really care about this guy, you just aren’t attracted to him right now. Why? Because he’s unresponsive? Because one of you has gained weight? Try remembering the things that used to turn you on. Relight the spark, even if it means doing a bit of acting until you feel it. ("Don’t ask me how I know." :) )

#1: He’s a cheatin’ ass and you’re nuts if you believe his "story". He’s playing you for a fool and it’s in your best interests to get that lawyer and protect yourself immediately!

#2: I have NEVER been interested in sex, and it caused a few problems in my marriage early on. A few years ago my husband suffered an injury that left him without the ability to have sex (huge sigh of relief), needless to say, after years of saying that "he’d just die without sex", he didn’t die, and our marriage took on a whole new quality. We became not only husband and wife, but the best of friends too. Our "sex" time became our talk, laugh and cuddle time and our kids comment about how much happier we are. He’s now "repaired" but sex is no longer a priority or a big deal for him. For us, the lack of sex has been a blessing, it could be for you too. BTW, we will celebrate our 25th anniversary in a few months, happier than ever!  

I am sorry, but WHY are we even discussing the 1st one. HE IS CHEATING, regardless if it’s an emotional or physical affair. Get rid of him IMMEDIATLEY for your sanity and the sake of your daughters. You don’t think they see this? Come on. And why would you take this from him. You know you’re unhappy. And the sad part is he’s doing it IN FRONT of you. How ballsy!!!! Obviously he doesn’t care, this inconsiderate jerk! Don’t take it anymore. You will survive if & when you leave. Go. Take your things, move out or throw him out and move on with your life. How can you stay? There is no reason to. Find someone who will love you through & through, not half heartedly.

LW1: You may first be confused on why I am sharing this part of my life but I promise it has to do with an emotional affair. My husband and I had this bright idea to get into swinging.  Actually it was his idea not mine but in the effort of trying to please him I went along…against my better judgement.  We met a couple and hooked up with them a couple of times.  He said he wanted me to make more friends and stuff so I was trying to talk to the female half of this couple so that we could possibly become friends.  She and I just couldn’t connect.  She really wasn’t my cup of tea.  However her and my husband hit it off really well.  They started talking just a bit at first but it was a downhill spiral from there.  They were talking at least 3-4 hours a day and texting each other all day (all while my husband is at work, mind you - and he doesn’t have an office job, he is a mechanic).  Let me say that he has never talked to me that much during the day so it started bothering me.  I walked outside one day when he was on the phone with her and he immediately stopped talking (obviously they were talking about me).  I remember one time I called him and he talked to me for a minute and then let me go.  I went through his phone later and saw that he was talking to her when I called that day and he failed to mention that to me.  We discussed this issue numerous times and it all ended with he is just "talking" to her and it doesn’t mean anything.  Well it never stopped though.  One month both of them went over there minutes and had outrageous phone bills.  I finally decided that I was done crying over it and demanded that we cease all contact with this couple.  He became outraged and said that he wasn’t going to do it.  I felt a total blow to my comfort in our relationship.  I couldn’t believe that he was going to put her before me.  I was finally able to end it all between them but he became pretty depressed.  He wouldn’t sleep all day when he wasn’t at work, wouldn’t have sex with me, didn’t want to do anything at all.  I kept trying to tell him in the midst of all this that she was trying to get him but he didn’t believe me.  After a while he got over it and I would say that things got back to normal but they were never back to where we were before all of this happened.  I still am not really over all of it (it happened about 1 1/2 years ago).  Come to find out (months later) one of their last conversations she asked him if he could see himself with her if me and him weren’t together.  Confirming what I said earlier about her wanting to be with him.  Of course he didn’t tell me this until we hit another rough patch in our relationship because he didn’t want to admit I was wrong.  I tell you my story to tell you that I honestly think that an emotional affair is SO much worse than a sexual affair.  Sex is sex.  That’s all.  But think about it.  Say one day something happens to you that makes you unable to have sex any longer, the only thing you have to hold your marriage together is your emotional connection.  I think that your emotional connection is more important than your sexual connection (while I understand that it still important).  So for him to give that away to someone else is a complete betrayal.  My husband and I did stay together and are still recovering from that and other things.  However if he up and decides to have another moment like this again, I will be out of here so fast.  I will not come second to any other woman in my marriage.  I will not give any of myself to anyone else every again and I expect the same respect from my husband. 

 You need to get to the bottom of this.  While you have let this go on for a while (and now he thinks he can do whatever he wants to do because you are letting him), it is not too late to nip it in the bud.  I like the idea of having him invite her over to dinner at your house so that you can see 1st if he will 2nd if she is willing to come 3rd how they act when you are right there to watch.  You will receive a lot of answers just from this one idea.  Good luck!  It will be hard but you cannot let him run over you like this.  You may have decided to marry him "for better or for worse" but you also have a responsibility to yourself to make sure you are taken care of mentally and emotionally.  Living with a man that constantly rubs this relationship in your face and then lies about it is not healthy for you.