When I addressed the issue of sexual incompatibility in a marriage , I forgot to mention addressing the situation with the help of medical attention, such as tests for diabetes, low testosterone, low thyroid, other diseases, as well as therapeutic counseling; however, as in my case, nothing helped or worked, I accepted the inevitable loss of hope, though I did continue to rage.

 Also, consulting male doctors proved an obstacle, but perhaps nowadays male physicians are more open when a wife asks for help; for me, it was awful, because doctors would tell me what was wrong with me, such as too much energy, a high sex drive, or a New York level of energy. My husband was from the tropics, so they thought they knew the answer, all stereotypical responses,  dangerous and unhelpful.

 In any case, when the inevitable end of consultations takes place, think hard, and do whatever is necessary to protect yourself, because the price of remaining in a sexless marriage is very high, and continues to assault you in your future life. 

#1…He’s cheating.  If it honestly isn’t physical, know that it will be as soon as the opportunity presents itself.  They may just not have the nerve yet, since so much is at stake (their friendship, their jobs, their marriages and families) should a more intimate relationship fail.**

#2…He may have a real medical condition or be on medication that supresses the libido.  Whatever the reason, hard honesty is the only road to a solution.  It’s so easy to say that sexual problems are superfluous to an otherwise sound marriage, but it’s like a small drip into a small crack:  over time it can undermine the whole rock of your relationship if it’s not addressed.  If both of you are not a party to the celibacy it cetainly creates intimacy issues, and you’ll eventually find yourself in the same postion as the husband (or boss) in #1, however unintentionally, because you crave the intimacy and need to feel like a real woman again.**

And for heaven sakes 42 isn’t too old to find someone new and wonderful!  I was my grandma’s maid of honor when, at age 58, she married one of the best men I’ve ever known. 

** In the words of our illustrious Margo: "Do not ask me how I know this."

#1 Leave him.

#2 Leave him.

There.  That was easy.

Ltr. 1:  He obviously wants her - but does she want him?   I’d bet the only reason there is no sex (if there really is no sex) is: she’s not attracted or interested in him.  Its amazing how many guys make fools of themselves for that "unattainable woman".

Ltr. 2:  Honey 42 is NOT too old.  At sixty I was still beating them off with a stick.  Please do see a good therapist and weigh all your options. Don’t stay in a marriage that doesn’t fulfill you due to fear.

Ltr#1    Get rid of the Loser! … He has no respect for you nor does he care about your feelings. You deserve better.

Ltr#2    42? … You’re a mere child (smile.) He’s Gay!

Letter #2 He could be messing around on her as well. 

 Letter #1 OMG, run.  He is having an affair.  It doesn’t matter.  An affair is an affair. If he refuses to give her up, that says it all.  It is time to back your bags and move on.  He might already be having the physical relationship.  It isn’t healthy for you to stick around!

An emotional affair is far more serious than a physical affair. A man can have sex with someone on a sudden impulse or with a professional and it’s actually meaningless. An emotional affair means there is love and dependency involved. I could excuse a man for having a short physical affair but would never forgive him for having an emotional one.

As to Ltr 2 thinking she’s no longer attractive because of her age-rediculous!  I became my most attractive after 40. I’m 80 and 3 times this year an attractive man made a "pass" at me. Believe me, my gentleman friend was quite upset about it!  You are as attractive as you feel-at any age.

I just read the AP interview with Mark Sanford’s wife, and one of her quotes was very, very good and may be of interest (and a source of strength) for writer #1 — After she found out about the affair, she had told Sanford he couldn’t see the other woman because there’s not room for 3 people in a marriage. He’d nonetheless repeatedly requested her permission to visit the other woman. Her reply: "Absolutely not. It’s one thing to forgive adultery but another thing entirely to condone it."

Right on. Writer #1’s husband is basically insisting that she condone his behavior.

Letter 1 - if it were me, I’d say "Marriage is more than sharing a house, sharing a bed, sharing sex, sharing stories of how your day went, it’s emotional commitment.  If you won’t keep your emotional commitment to me, then get out, find an apartment and take your special friendship with you.  Because I don’t want just part of you, I want ALL of you."

Yeah, that’s what I’d say.

I disagree on both counts!

1- You talk about the things he does with his boss- would you be okay with a friendship if it were a MALE boss? You would.  It’s sexist to consider it an affair- and let’s face it, telling someone who is at least 45 years old (giving the length of marriage), that they have to GIVE UP THEIR JOB because you feel emotionally threatened is a bad choice in this economy.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  Talk to your husband and ask to be included in the friendship that he has.  But more importantly, look at yourself and the other issues.  If you have a strong self-esteem and are solid on your own, a friendship won’t bother you.  If it does, seek out both counseling, as well as shoring up your own resume, and get a life of your own.

2. Get permission to have an open marriage. Sex isn’t something you should go without, and just because your husband is either a) gay, b) asexual or nonsexual or c) not attracted to you sexually— doesn’t mean you have to go without and/or give up your family.  If your husband doesn’t want to please you, he should consent to your having a physical relationship with someone who will.

There is this ideal of marriage- that it should make us whole, as if we are these half-humans wandering around without a man to shore us up.  But that diminishes us… We must be whole on our own, and willing to understand that controlling what others do isn’t the answer.  Our spouse is our partner, but that doesn’t mean we must all marchstep together through life.