A Friend Stopped By | 05/07/2009 12:00 am

At Chic Upper East Side Schools, The Rich Are Still Really Different From You and Me, by Emily Listfield

Even in these hard times, the author of Best Intentions reports that at her daughter’s elite NYC private school, most families are still living high on the hog.

By Emily Listfield

Emily Listfield/Image: Ted Chin

Editor’s Note: Emily Listfield is a former editor-in-chief and the author of seven novels, including It Was Gonna Be Like Paris and Waiting to Surface. Her new novel, Best Intentions, is the story of four college friends whose reunion reawakens old desires and grudges — with fatal results. It is set in the world of elite private schools just as the economic downturn begins to hit. Listfield lives in New York City with her daughter. Visit her website at emilylistfield.com.

I recently made the mistake of confiding to another mother at my daughter’s elite Upper East Side private school that I was worried about money. Instead of nodding sympathetically and commiserating about the financial crisis, she told me to stop obsessing and just take my nanny and daughter to St. Barths. Seriously. "That’s what I always do when I’m feeling anxious," she confided. There were so many things wrong with that sentence all I could do was mutely nod.

As a downtown writer and single mother, I knew when I decided to take my daughter out of public school and send her to this most chi-chi of academies that I would be straddling two worlds. And yes, part of me worried that she would feel left out because she doesn’t consider Teen Vogue a mail order catalog or have Pete Wentz cut his honeymoon short to play at her birthday party. But in the end, I opted for the small class size and phenomenal education, even if it meant kissing my savings good-bye. A product of private schools myself, I felt guilty about not giving her the same opportunities regardless of the enormous strain, insecurities and compromises the tuition would exact.

I have never regretted that choice — we have both come to love the school (though ask me again when I am collecting cans from the street in my old age), nor do I regret my earlier choices, to be a writer, to marry a sculptor, to choose priorities other than financial gain. Now, though, as so many friends lose their jobs and I worry about how to pay for college, the social and economic stratification in the school community seems more severe than ever. If the recent spate of exotic vacations over spring break are an indication, the financial crisis remains shockingly little more than a distant rumor to my daughter’s classmates.

Case in point: She told me the other night that one of the boys in her grade has never been on a subway (at 15, she can navigate all the boroughs on her own). "He doesn’t do public transportation," she said. She added that he has a chauffeur drive him back and forth from home during free periods. I was torn between disbelief and revulsion. (Then again, at least the chauffeur has a job.)

My daughter is, thankfully, not jealous of the other kids with much more money, despite the fact that we live in a small rent-stabilized apartment and she visits classmates in five-story townhouses with dumbwaiters and live-in help. Aside from occasional grumbling about having to get up earlier to make the trip uptown, she is completely happy.

My own emotions are more mixed. I am not particularly envious of the lives of even the wealthiest families at the school. (OK, yes, I’m jealous of their freedom from worry as well as the constant cost-calculations that run like a ticker tape through my head.) And I’m not pleading poverty. I know my life is blessed and I’m thankful for it. But I feel a sense of alienation from the blithe entitlement I still see running rampant. I do not believe it is mean-spirited. The scholarship kids are treated with determinedly nonchalant yet outsized kindness, the school is extremely active in charity work, and I have never seen any evidence of snobbery among the kids. What is glaringly obvious, though, is that so many parents’ imaginations are able to encompass only rich and poor — the vast and increasingly stressed middle is not only incomprehensible, it is invisible.

23 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I went through a similar situation. My children were in the same private school that I was teaching at, like you said I went to private school so WE ALL went. (1 boy 1 girl) Now the boy 22 years old just joined the Navy and is waiting to go to boot camp! Things change, I can tell my story I hope it helps. Well after being at the same small school for almost 10 years my husband at the time began dating. I know, how rude! So, my income was cut and I went to another school where I had an opportunity to make alot more money. All of a sudden the kids wanted to go to school with their friends (PUBLIC????) I couldn’t believe it, I was driving 50 miles a day to keep them in that school.

My father said to me "are you keeping them in for them or you?" I was dumbfounded, I honestly didn’t know. Long story short, they went to another school, were very happy.

One day I was waiting for them to co9me out and while on the phone with my Dad, I burst into tears convinced I was a terrible mother. All the other mommies looked so happy, I was overworked, tired not to mention going through a nasty divorce on the side.

That when my Dad said "don’t judge your insides by other peoples outsides." Wow, how true is that statement.

Anyway, I just got busy doing the next right thing in front of me, kept my head where my feet were, that’s hard I’m usually at least 5 years in the future and it’s never positive, and when I wasn’t looking I met the love of my life. We have raised the kids without any participation from their father. My life and theirs turned out great, I just needed to get out of the way!

Kids are kids no matter where they are, and if the parent is snobby they don’t feel good about themselves.

I went to a play last weekend and this mom who was very nasty to me when I went through my divorce was in it, and I happen to know a little about the last 10 years she’s been through. I honestly had no resentment and walked over and thanked her for her performance, and went back to my life!

One last thing, when I was going through all that I was gently reminded if I went in a corner(to hide), I was going to take those kids with me and that I could never do!

Bobbie R

By Bobbie R. on 05/07/2009 10:03 am

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My goodness!!!!

"don’t judge your insides by other peoples outsides."

I will most definitely pass this jewel on to friends, family, colleagues, associates and whomever will listen!!!

Thank you, kindly, Bobbie =)

By Chloe Weatherford on 05/07/2009 10:10 am

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Thanks! That’s from my father, he was a great guy with quick comments. They always help now with him beeing gone, it’s a way to still be thankful that we had him at all. Bobbie R

By Bobbie R. on 05/07/2009 12:16 pm

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thank you bobbie for sharing those words of wisdom from your dad, love that

By Ruth M on 05/08/2009 3:57 pm

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Thanks. He told me when they hit the teen years, "They should just put a big fence around Wyoming, put them at 13 and when they’re 18 let them out."

By Bobbie R. on 05/08/2009 4:18 pm

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Very smart man.

By Andrea Brandon on 05/09/2009 1:21 am

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I can understand the desire to send one’s children to private school.

I can even understand reveling in the ‘looks of awe’ when one finds out your child(ren) is/are in private school.

I, however, will not be sending my child to one.

I grew up SEVERELY impoverished in Texas. Attended mediocre public schools. Graduated from Stanford and I’m now back in Texas.

I can truly appreciate my public schooling. so yeah, I learned about sex and drugs probably between Kindergarten and 2nd grade (LOL) but I never used them nor did I have (ok, let me stop before I fabricate) LOL.

I find your story truly amazing. I’m planning on purchasing this book as soon as I click ‘Submit’.

Best wishes to you and your daughter’s amazing sense of self AND worth =)

By Chloe Weatherford on 05/07/2009 10:07 am

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What Ms Listfield is describing has ever been so. Privilege comes in many guises and being involved in it’s peculiarities, as an outside participant, can be the stuff of novels or/and a constant source of frustration. The author’s hope for a more realistic acknowledgement of other’s perils on the part of the upper class is something the whole world waits for. The British aristocracy felled somewhat after they had to face the First World War, but its class system still remains, albeit on tottering legs. When one gets driven back and forth from school in a limousine, their sense of how one gets from point A to point B is exceedingly skewed, don’t you think?

By phyllis Doyle Pepe on 05/07/2009 10:20 am

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"… glaringly obvious, though, is that … imaginations are able to encompass only rich and poor — the vast and increasingly stressed middle is not only incomprehensible, it is invisible."

Very true, everywhere. What a timely article … thank you, Emily.

Having ‘chosen’ (unemployment ‘helped’ …) these, worst of, times to try to become a writer, I find myself suddenly working as ‘nanny’ - for two very different families (private/public …) and begin to really see this vast, seemingly all-important difference in the school environments … and no amount of ‘outsized kindness’ (to scholarship kids, the help etc.), charity work, non-snobbery really masks all the (none too) subtle implications of the class system … invisibility indeed, for just too many.

It seems great how you and your daughter handle the ‘privileges’ of this school’s fabulous education … and how glad she’ll be to know how to navigate a subway system (makes being a citizen of this world so much easier …), obviously one among many other skills her schoolmates are not acquiring …

By Ulla on 05/07/2009 10:57 am

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I loved the comments! I was just making my 22 year old see what suit still fits so he can go to the yacht club for his Grandma on Sunday. It means nothing to him thats where we’re spending Mother’s day it’s just the way it is, however the friend was like, Wow I’ve never even been in there. Sean told his favorite story about the yacht club, 5 years ago our Lab puppy named Clancy chewed through a hole in the pipe in our bathroom upstairs and we came home and it was actually "raining" on the first floor.

In January, my son joined the Navy, I had a stomach ache and thought nerves. When I went to my doctor and he said the word "cancer" at 48 I wasn’t thinking about where my kids went to school. Or how people treated me, I thought about how can I get my husband who travels, and my son "here with me" through this!

You know what I realized? Cancer can’t touch the peace and happiness thats inside. You see thats a gift only I can GIVE away and thats not gonna happen!

Bobbie R

By Bobbie R. on 05/07/2009 12:10 pm

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By Helen O'Reilly on 05/07/2009 12:31 pm

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I think Ms. Listfield resorts to unfair generalizations. For example, my children have attended NYC private schools their entire lives and travel the subways as do many other such students. With some exception, the parents are acutely aware of the economic environment and many are dealing with their own financial challenges. This writer comes across as a sanctimonious reverse snob.

By WowedbywowOwow NYC on 05/07/2009 12:51 pm

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Oh, I don’t know; I’ve always thought that the search for a rich person who thought about anything but themselves was rather like the quest for Bigfoot, you’ve heard they’re out there, but the evidence the object of your quest exists is sketchy at best.

By Gramma J on 05/08/2009 8:10 am

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I liked this piece in it’s tone and insight. So my comment is a little off subject in an odd way. But I’ve never been a fan of private school. I’d be curious as to how many of the founders of this site went to private school. I’m guessing few if any. My point really is that i’ve never seen it as an advantage to anything other than getting into college. and from that point the advantage ended. Life has a way of picking people to succeed that has nothing to do with whether or not someone went to private school. If you sit around a group of super successful folks (to be safe let’s make them all super succesful folks who AREN’T in NYC’s elite) i bet you’d be hard pressed to find many who went to private schools.

And when you do… I always find it interesting that sitting next to them is someone like Oprah Winfrey, or Michelle Obama, or Whoopi Goldberg or even Shania Twain! All who became super successful with varying backgrounds.

I think private schools are much more about the parents needs than the kids needs. At least in this country.

By Chrome Toe on 05/07/2009 3:27 pm

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You are right in a way about private schooling being more about the parents’ needs. One of my needs as a parent was to feel a teensy bit more secure about my child’s safety and for her not to have to walk a gauntlet through metal detectors and security guards to feel that way. The first rash of school shootings happened just before my daughter was to begin kindergarten. Before that it had never occurred to me to send her to a private school. After that, I could not bear the thought of sending my little one daily into a sea of people I wouldn’t know if I tripped over and just hope she would be OK at the end of the day. I actually considered home schooling but my husband talked me out of that.

The world has changed so much since I was in school. And I do know, of course, that bad things can happen anywhere. But I just feel a little safer in a smaller setting where everyone knows everyone else. I volunteer frequently at the school and feel that I can more easily observe what is going on there. It really is not so much about giving her an advantage over anyone else. And the people whose children attend this school are really not particulary elite anyway.

Maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic but, hey, I’m a mother!

By Deena B. on 05/09/2009 11:41 am