Contemplation.

A penny for your thoughts.

Oh, kid how ironic that you should write this now. I just took a minute to check my mail. I was in the process of wiping out my myspace. All that is left is my photos, blog and two family members. Like I said I do not think I was ever meant to be. Even my mother knew that. And my adoptive mother not only hates my artisticness she wanted me to grow up to be a successful business woman. She even had my IQ tested before she adopted me when she found me in the German orphanage at three years old. I score 142. I have been noting but a disappointment ever since. Even she won’t lift a finger to help me. Like I said I am not in here for myself anymore. I am in here or others. Have a good one girl.

I agree.Though first let me say that it is good to find someone else who understands what I was saying in the fishing anology. I never meant to ask for help. I have spent 20+ years looking for help. I do not expect to find it now. I have been trying to educate others so that other people like me will maybe have a chance. The nature of help in this country needs to change. And it is us who have not gotten it or been give the wrong helps that know that best. If I do not stick my neck out and try to teach this then who will? Funny I once gave a similiar answer when helping to build habitat houses. The leader for the branch here asked me to apply for a house myself. I told him I had tried before and been turned down because my income was too low. He then asked me what I was doing helping to provide something for others that I myself was in desperate need of.  Rarely do people who have not lived it step forth to help. No I am not expecting my own salvation. I am trying to save as many otherpeople as I can. If opening myself up to horrible anger, abuse and recrimination results in even one person being helped, rightly then it will have been worth it. As for you you have every right to ask the organization you’ve done so much for to help you now. You have every right even if you had never lifted a hand to help someone else. Go ask them for that help. And beleive that it shall be done. Good day to you, Snooks.

I am sorry you lost your friend to poverty (the poverty being her poverty of mind). Knowing that others are worse off use to keep me going too. But now I realize that how we handle poverty or how poverty handles us is not one size fits all. I have been raped more times than I have fingers and toes. Been homeless with and without children. Had an abusive husband. Had abusive parents. Buried a newborn child. Those did not break me. But missing the ocean is so beyond devestating. I am dying more of a broken heart than even the multiple medical problems I have. I want to travel. I am chained to not only one place but also one of my least favorite landscapes. I love variety and adventure. A common prison inmate has more variety in their life than I do. And it drives me crazy having so much talent that is not completely wiped out by my physical disabilities only to be dependent upon the Welfare system for survival. And it is just cruel to be so poor that people hate me because they can not understand being too poor to help yourself. I am judged continuously by the stigma of Welfare. People do not have a clue. Nor do they want to have a clue. I do not even have a friend to invite over for the coffee I can not even afford. I have been my own adult company for over twenty years. No it is not the hunger, pain, fatigue or freezing feet that is so bad. It is missing the ocean, never just going to a movie or a carnival, not being able to do more to help others. I wanted so much to do something like the Peace Corps. I want to build homes, schools, clinics. Care for orphans, help with the crops. I want to do hands on work in Africa and other places. And if blessed to also do some photojournalism in those places. I am wasting away in this town, on this couch. I’ve done nothing to be missed.

Is it refusing assistence if the assistence offered will not or already has not worked for you? You expect me to fish with lots of encouraging words; but, no pole or other equipment. Then when I end up invariably starving you are mad at me for my ungratefulness, unwillingness and termidity at turning else where for help. If you were looking for help and I tried my best to help you; but, it just did not work for you would you just go quietly away and die happy knowing that you did not offend me by looking else where for help. Or would you say Thanks, now who else has a different suggestion? You tell me to keep trying and not give up; yet, you are angry when I do just that. And I suppose when I die from beinging given all the wrong helps which boils down to being nothinged too, you will be releived to be rid of the big mouth that just wanted to live like anyone else. As for the lone beautiful girl how long would you be willing to be estatically grateful for base survival before you fell apart. Animals only need food and shelter to be happy. Humans need more. If I were an animal I would be estatic with my life. It is survival that is killing me.

Thanks for your line about the poor needing treats as well. Most people treat me like I am the worst of criminals for wanting to just go go watch a move or, an amusement park or carnival or God forbid a vacation. Some give me the worst of looks when they see the large bag of organic popcorn I buy each month. they haveno idea that it’s not a treat for me. It is usually my food for the day.  I try not to mention how bad I want a vacation in here because people get so mad.

Thank you.

Thank you. Truthfully I am not expecting help. Not for me. My time is nearly up. I’m OK with that. I mainly write in here hoping to educate people who think to help others like me. I figure no one knows better than us who are living it what we need. I want people to stop taking it for granted that handing money over to an agency is going to improve the lives of those they seek to help. Sure some charities do use that money to help. But just as people are leary of sending money to countries that after decades of charitable contributions are the same or worse off, I want them to see that the same is true of the US. I also want them to know that thousands if not millions of people are suffering here too. And I want them to know that the most effective way to help is still the old fashioned one on one approach. It is also important that we give the person what they know they need not what we think they need. I can not help everyone. I am not offended if someone tells me thanks but no thanks. The help I can give is not right for them. They are not being ungrateful. They are being honest so that hopefully someone else will become aware of their need and help if possible. I also want people to know that as long as things continue as they are people like me will continue to get nothinged and inadequated to death. How is Shea to ever understand that that is what happened to me? She can’t that is why I want her to move wih her mother and mother’s boyfriend and then later her mother can tell her I was killed in an auto accident or something like that. I have raised Shea on random acts of kindness as a lifestyle. I do not want her to become bitter and decide not to do for others just because others would not do for me.

And I do not expect you to understand but it is what I do have that is killing me physically and mentally. I am overwhelmed by all that I do have which is none of what I would choose to have given the opportunity of a choice. I have been out of the loop for so long that I can no longer even picture what I do not have no matter how badly I want it. All I can see is what I DO have. That’s the killer.  Peace girl.

I apologize. Some of the advice you had given I had already tried and got nowhere. Oter advice was more suitable for someone which more resources than I have. I appreciated you trying to help. The reason I answered as to the effectiveness of the advice was so that if someone else reading with more ideas or resources would know that I was still in need of help. When I give Sheas outgrown clothes away I am not offended if some of the clothes come back to me because for what ever reason they are unusable or even unliked. Nor would I be offended if they went actively searching for more help elsewhere since I can not meet all of their needs. Also a thing is only a miracle to the person who can not do it for themselves. The clothes I give away are a miracle to the mother who can not provide them herself. As for not giving enough see the calluses on my hands and feet. Count the dislocated bones in my body, watch me crawl when the legs will not take another step, watch me struggle to do the things most people never think twice about. See how many painkillers I take just to do these things. The amount of painkillers I have to take just to do what is to others the basic ordinary things is so much that I know I am doing serious damage to my organs. But I have a child to care for. All I have is the here and now and no one is interested in helping. So I do what it takes knowing full wel the consequences are deadly. I give everything I have and way so much more just for hers and my survival. And I pray to God that I do not drop dead while she is still in my care. No I do not want to give up. I would rather live. But living is not a one player deal. Nor can I do the things I am doing to myself indefinately. One may Survive without help; but no one, absolutely no one lives without help. I just wanted to live.

The only wearable shoes I have right now are flip flops. So shiver a lot when outside. What would you think of me? Would you think me lazy, impoverished (yes, financially I am), uncaring, free-spirited, artistic (I am), too poor to be worthy of help? Though I love being barefooted first then flip flops, then boots what I am able to wear at this time is a testimony to my resources not my personality.

Thanks, I get what you are saying abou victims and survivors. I admit that after 20+ years of surviving it is very difficult to shake the victim personality especially when you have been a survivor for so long that you can no longer see any difference between victim and survivor. Besides when your "quality" of life does not extend beyond survival you have nothing left to measure with to draw the line between the two. Things have changed a great deal over the years when it comes to the Welfares, none of those changes good. A lot of things do not make sense. Case in point my daughter is assessed $259.00 a month plus $50.00 a month for child support for Shea. My Welfare grant for Shea is $18.00. that’s a difference of $126.00. Yet, I do not get that money. The State keeps all of the money. SSI’s idea of not penalizing me is that I am only kicked off if I gross more than $674.00. Anything less and they they do cut the SSI based on how much I earn.  And earned income (from working) is figured differently than unearned (like grants) with earned income they allow a tiny deduction. None is allowed with unearned income. I can not run money through my children’s bank account for two reasons. The logical being that none are well enough off to have a bank account or computer for that matter. The other being that that would just be plain wrong. What a quandrum that one must consider defrauding the system to have any chance at life; yet, to not do it is to be condemed to a life of less quality than the common incarcerated prisoner.  As for freecycle I check that ever so often. I am just to tired and worn out to continue bashing my head against the same old walls hoping that maybe the next time I will break through.  With every passing day my health and I suspect sanity are deterioting. I am able to accomplish less and less with each new day. I will not have my seven year old granddaughter be responsible for caring for me. She has to do too much to help me already. I am no longer healthy enough to pull myself up by my own bootstraps (if I even had any to begin with). No I have went so long without the resources to do it ALL by myself that now even with the resources I would still need help. I am a guess to the point of needing a miracle. People always ask me what "I" am willing to do for myself. I say look at the calluses on my hands and feet. Count the dislocated bones in my body.  Watch me divide the meager food between Shea and myself, see me crawl when the legs can not take another step and then ask me What "have I not done."

I agree!

In a way she was blaming me. Not for the situation in the first place; but, for the situation being unfixable by my own hands. As for etsy like I said if I make a little then I make even less because of the way SSI figures out th deductions. Case in point. If I worked 160 hours in a month and earned $ 600.00 after their deductions I would only get $160.00 SSI the f9ollowing month. After figuring the costs of working, supplies, etc. I would be left with even less. And as I stated before my computer is no longer reliable. I cannot even keep photos on it anymore. I lost numerous photos because I could not get them all off fast enough last week and many of their files were corrupted. For what ever reason I am on here now; but, I can make no concrete future plans involving a computer. It is excruciating knowing that with the loss of the computer there goes my photography. Since I could not afford to print anything I just always uploaded all the photos and kept them on the computer. But now it is corrupting some of the pictures right away so that even if I go to download them to disk right after uploading them some of the pictures are already gone. Tell me how long could you go on not just in the face of ever worsening pain and fatigue; but also, when you’ve lost absolutely everything of who and what you are. When your hopes, dreams, goals, ambitions, your very youness is stripped away how long could you exist then. I have already existed as a nobody for the past 20+ years. But to be a stranger to myself too? No. It’s just not humane to ask that of someone. 

Thanks Joan. Did exactly what you said years ago. I made so many calls that I found myself being referred to a different agency and number and I would have to tell them that I just recently got off the phone with that recommended agency. In the end I spent a lot of time getting nowhere. I have repeated that process many times over the years. Here is what it all boils down to: I get SSI for me (I am not a senior citizen. I am only 46) and Welfare for Shea. Because of our intolerance to processed foods I can not use the local pantries; however, there is one that tries to help me get some organic foods. I qualify for winter heating help. Unfortunately it is the electric bill that is killer. The gas is extremely cheap. I get medicaid which boils down to some pain killers and I have to buy my own fatique medicine so I do not get the effective one. The medical care I really need is not available to me. There is nowhere I can go to get clothes, shoes, furniture or household items free. Some of my furniture came from my apartment complex’s dumpster. The same is true of my jeans so none of them fit well. As for help getting a career going doing what God blessed me with the talents for, art, photography and poetry absolutely nothing. It seems that I am way too poor for the "American Dream". There are lots of numbers in my phonebook listed under social services. In the end it is just a whole lot of nothing. And I will not even bother telling you about the Salvation Army here who takes donations but does not give handouts. You can not even imagine what it is like to be inadequated and nothing to death because with all the social service agencies, churches (who either give to only their own or are currently out of funds or just do not do those things) and charities noone is willing to beleive that it means absolutely nothing to someone like me. And even though anyone understands that if they were expected to live on the minimum wage of two decades ago it would be impossible they can not get it that I can not make it on a Welfare that has not give a raise in over two decades. And though SSI does give a very small cost of living increase annually I immediately lose it and more to cut food stamps and increased rent. Infact I lose between ten to fifty annually to lost food stamps and increased rent. I am sorry that I have already tried those ideas dozens of times over the years. I wish I could help you by being able to try something new at your suggestion; but alas, I can not. The aweful truth is that through my research I have found that people really are trying to help (I use to be so angry because I thought that only a few really cared and tried to help.). I found thousands upon thousands of agencies on the Internet accepting donations; but, NOT EVEN ONE that helps individuals. You can not even begin to imagine the irony of dying of malnutrition, inadequate medical care and having no choice but to push my battered body far beyond its limits just to survive while knowing that millions upon millions are being donated annually to help people just like me. That is why I am writing in here asking people to help others one on one when ever possible. I can not do much but when I send Shea’s outgrown clothes upstairs to the neighbor girls I know that 100% of my donation got where it need to go and that it is being enjoyed by someone who truely needs it. When I hold a door open for someone or take an elderly person’s garbage to the dumpster every bit of my kindness directly benefitted that person. Even when I quietly dispose of the garbage that was temporarily sitting outside a neighbor’s door I know the deed was done. An individual real live person got helped. Maybe if more more peole were willing to do that there would be less people like me out there getting their affairs inorder before they die of nothing.

Thanks like most when you’ve gotten to the point that it is obvious that the person in need of help has done all they can do with what they have avaiable to work with then you blame them for their situation. The classic "I can’t fix it so I’ll let them know how it is all their fault ‘.  I did nothing to help myself then I would have never snapped a single photo. I would have never created a single work of art or wrote even one poem. I am not sorry that I am not also a genius business woman, self-advocate, manager, reearcher and miracle worker. I would think that God had blessed me enough with the three different artistic talents. Maybe the world isn’t ready for the likes of me. Maybe it can not handle not only a talented artist but also a humanitarian that does all she can do to help others without ever judging them and their situation and what I think they could have done better for themselves. When I send Shea’s outgrown clothes to the little girls upstairs I do question their mother to find out if She is doing Enough for them and herself. I just hand them over and say. Enjoy! I just give.