Hello Malache. I agree with you that preconceived ideals for a mate "sets up an expectation and a precident".  That is my entire point.  All of those factors become emotional fodder for discord over the years of living with a person who cannot or will not meet our expectations.  And EVERYone has expectations about marriage:  looks, companionship, income, housing, social life, children, retirement.  Usually it’s the thinking that "love" will cement the union and hold it through whatever may come that confuses a couple into feeling there’s nothing to talk about regarding expectations and plans.  Then you wake up one morning shocked that she’s a shopaholic spending the household cash right out from under the bills and you and the kids.  Or he’s a cheat putting you at risk for STD’s.  Or you want 3 children and she wants 1.  Or he lacks the ambition to climb the corporate ladder.  Or she isn’t moving more than 3 blocks from her mother and not going with him when his job sends him to another state.  Or she doesn’t care about letting her looks go and she doesn’t turn him on anymore so the sex and affection disappears.  In my writing I never mentioned "changing" another person to MEET your personal expectations.  All I’m saying is that EACH person considering marriage should know what he wants, what is negotiable and what is a deal breaker.  Then each should take the time to observe the other to see if the type of person this is today in our "romance" is likely to grow with the RELATIONSHIP over the years so that you will still love that person throughout the obligations of life together.That’s what I meant when I said she should flip the script and "fix a list in your mind of how your man could improve his ways and means in order for your life to be pleasant and acceptable with him."

Hey Margo, don’t let this ex-wife/other woman off the hook!  This woman is seeking revenge against the other woman/fiancee because that woman wouldn’t abandon the relationship once the wife explained that the husband was also unfaithful to the fiancee.  That makes her pretty small in my opinion.  She’s secretly hoping that the fiancee will learn of the husband’s infidelity with the ex-wife and feel more betrayed than the wife ever did; even if it’s a drama being played out only in her mind.  She says she feels validated to know she’s still got it going on in the bedroom?  Hah!  That husband views her with even less esteem now because he’s certain that her SELF-esteem is so low that she’s decided she is exacting revenge on them by again having sex with him.  There’s nothing I hate to see more than a woman who is decieving herself into believing that having sex will determine the outcome as she wishes it to be.  A cheating man is never thinking about YOU—only himself in all encounters.    A man that doesn’t value your traits as a person will not be impressed by a sexual act which he can accomplish with any woman.  We’ve all got the same equipment, lady.

 If I was giving advice to the 23 year old lesbian I’d say:  Stay at home and date as freely as you would if you were heterosexual.  If your family feels that they can bluntly confront your personal choices than YOU should boldly give them something to confront and come to terms with.

"Are we cowards?   I don’t believe we are.   I believe we have been taught to be politically correct and to keep our thoughts to ourselves.  I believe as you do on this, Deber.  However, when you state "we no longer have to deal with Affirmative Action or the antiquated race card." I stop agreeing.  How about we work on getting a SECOND Black American President into office before we starting thinking we’ve solved all of our problems regarding skin color?