#1:

Being the daughter of an alcoholic, and the soon to be ex-wife of someone who used both alcohol and drugs, I’ve seen bunches of broken solemn promises.  I think Margo is being extremely polite in her response!  If the husband goes out with more of a *bang* after years of alcohol abuse, and didn’t keep the lap dance promise, I don’t think you can count on the alcohol promise.

In fact, such a promise is really easy to break for the alcoholic.  It’s what they solemnly wish to do. Can’t you possibly take the intent for the deed?  Nope, I couldn’t, either.

Addictions are very hard to deal with for the addicted person, and for the family.  I recommend starting to log the promises physically.  That is:  Write them down in a note book.  Make a daily check of where you stand.

In my experience with my family, promises were made to be broken.

Meanwhile, have the two of you tested for HIV, etc.  It’s in your own best interest. Every sexual partner your sexual partner has had, you have had sex with in terms of infection.

Oh, I *like* that!  A very practical gift that both were able to enjoy- for a while.

Constance

A family heirloom *before* marriage- I think it should be given back, despite the provacation.  I grant you that the bride appears to have had a narrow escape from marriage to a jerk.  Take the higher road, and give it back to his mother. After marriage?  No, keep it, as long as it wasn’t one of the those immediate annulment affairs. 

When we married in 1989, we were given my husband’s grand-parents’ wedding china as a wedding gift.  We have two daughters, and while we are still technically married, he moved out two years ago after eighteen  and a half years of marriage, and is still living with his parents at age 52.  Much to my astonishment, he told me that his family thought I had too many family things, and he wanted the wedding china back.   (He’s a hoarder, and I tremble at the fate of china amongst all the boxes of recycling, wire, 25 year old computer stuff, and blue jean pants legs, he has shoved places.)

I disagreed- the three family things will go to our daughters: wedding china, armoire, and old & damaged chest of drawers.  If I haven’t earned the right to keep family gifts after 2 years of first dating and then 20 years of marriage, too bad!  His parents have a total of 4 grand-children.  I don’t see a problem with the girls getting these few things.

Cheers,

Constance

#1:  I don’t think that this is a desperate need on your part to let go of your husband’s of one year’s past.  This is your husband’s issue, not yours, and it sounds like a personality disorder.

100 past sexual partners is not normal with someone who wants to build a relationship with anybody!  So, how does that divide into years per partner?  Meanwhile, if he is comparing you negatively sexually to past partners, I’d assume, based on a dear friend of mine’s experience, that he was actively having sex with this person.  They’d been dating for a long time before they decided to marry when she became pregnant.

Over the years, he had told her how he wished she was more like this that or the other woman.  Turns out he had sex with all of them.  Worst yet was that most of them were her friends through him. I’m pleased to say that she promptly divorced him, and is a fair amount happier, although now her ex-spouse is messing with their mutual son.

Even despite that, being told that you are not as good as another woman in bed is utterly destructive of a relationship.  It’s once again not your issue-it’s his.  Since you waited to have sex until you married him, he could have taught you to be exactly what he wanted sexually.  I assume that you wanted to please him?  So, it’s his problem.

My soon to be ex husband moved out two years ago, thanks to his parents whom I begged to help.  My ex only likes porn, and his own right hand.  It was devastating to me over our 20 year marriage.  

I am certain that, had I not been interested in making love, my sexual life would have been far more abundant.  

There are bad men out there.  You are married to one of them. So am I. More time will not fix it.

Cheers.

Constance in the Sierra Foothills

I’m responding about the sexual conversations on the job.

The HR department entirely depends on who heads it.

Years ago, I worked for a start up computer company in Silicon Valley.  It was a really bad economy when I was graduated from college in the 1980’s.  And despite being tri-lingual, and graduated from one of the Seven Sisters, it was very, very hard to get a job.

Eventually, I took a job as a receptionist at a company which was not called Simile, but its counterpart.  (You can figure out the name if you want.)   At first I worked for a delightful, kind woman.  Later they hired an HR professional, who offered me 2K more than she delivered. 

I threw all the company parties.  Weekly beer & wine busts, monthly more important hotel-based meetings, and the Open-House, Holiday, etc parties where we spent the big bucks.

At any rate, sexual harrassment happens & HR may not care. At a hotel-based meeting, the manufacturing manager manipulated me into crying.  Then he asked me out.  Eeeeew!

I told the HR manager, who told me that I was imagining the sexual harrassment.

No, I wasn’t. As I spoke among the other young & pretty admins, I was not the first. In fact, one of the new receptionists had moved off the manufacturing floor because he was rubbing himself against her.  

I discovered that he’d been fired from his previous job for sexual harrassment.  My HR boss was only in favor of the bosses.  So, since HR was useless, I had a tougher admin who worked for the VP of Engineering complain to that VP the next time the manufacturing manager hit on her.  Mr. Frottage was gone  within the week.

There are really good HR people out there.  There are really bad ones.  I’ve had both.

You can work around them.

Cheers,

Constance

who is all in favor of anonymous recordings ending up in HR

#1,

It’s hard to write about the relationships here coherently.   Brava on the full blood daughter’s worry about her step-sister’s emotional health with her (SS’s) step-dad!  I agree, where is the mother in his nasty criticisms of his daughter by marriage?

Some men are able to be good parents to smart and easy kids, but not to their less-abled kids.  Some men can love their own kids, but not their new wive’s kids.  

I feel sorry for those kids, and for those wives, being married to such limited people.

I feel the greatest empathy for the daughter seeing her "wonderful" dad acting like such a certified jerk with this nice kid he’s supposed to be step-fathering, versus verbally abusing.  As I do for the wife, who thought she was marrying a nice man. Yes, by all means, talk to your dad about his verbal abuse to this sweet kid who is supposed to want to love him.  Have your brother do so, too.  

Oh, and when you talk to your dad, use words of one syllable.  "You are mean.  You hurt this girl."  He’s not the brightest of bulbs.

#2

So, "chewish youw wuv."  For heaven’s sake!   You dated him from age 15 to 19.  Your current beau has been willing to relocate 3 times in order to support you, and now that your first "twue wuv"  (thank you, The Princess Bride!) knows you are going to be a *doctor* and wants you again, you have *doubts!*

Who has treated you better?  Who knows you better?  Can that actually fight against an early infatuation?  How did he treat you?  Would he have relocated to support you?  What is he doing now?  Is he well-off, or might he be looking for a meal-ticket?

Learn to separate your fantasy life from your real life! 

Cheers,

Constance,

who understands the fantasies about boyfriends loved and lost!  I still have one about a certain guy named David, but I’m really clear about fact and fantasy!

I’m confused.  What does being prayerful have to do with my response to Margo’s column?

#1

You need to figure out another way to finance medical school:  Living with your mother & your useless brother is not a way.  Join the military: They are happy to pay for medical school, and you won’t have a debt after the required specific years of service.  Anything, probably including prostition is better than living with your mother and brother!

#2.

What does your husband think?  For me, re-arranging your bookcase for her convenience is far worse than including underwear in the wash.  But that shows how much I value being able to arrange things in my own home. (Um, bitchy, but not pointed at the poster.)

 I’d talk to him gently about your offence with the in-laws.  While I’d certainly tell them, "Sorry, it’s our cottage, and it’s not available." it would be better if he would do it himself. Best would be if he could tell them that they aren’t welcome back.  Yes, it ain’t gonna happen, but it makes a great fantasy.

Or you could tell them how much it would cost:  Adding in the hours of re-arranging bookshelves back to suit yourselves. This is skilled labor, and you are annoyed, so is $50 an hour reasonable.   And hiring someone else to clean.  Not to mention the property taxes, and mortgage, and insurance.  This is how much it costs to stay here, without your hosts.

Eew!  What obnoxious people!  But, if you don’t tell them no, and why, they’ll keep on asking.  Even then, they may well keep on asking.  It’s not about you being a wife for the last two years, it’s about them being really weird folk.

Cheers,

Constance

who says that sometimes saying "No" is like an intermiable "Whack a Mole" game with clueless humans as moles.  You still must keep wielding the hammer, lest the moles win!

#1,

I agree that a parent can be a mere chance act of DNA.  My alcoholic, brilliant scientist of a father was an utter jerk his entire life long.  While he did come to my wedding, it was only because it was in the same town where he lived.

Ignore him, and his discussions of the weather, and find other wonderful men to be friends and father-figures.  My life was incredibly enhanced by an elderly English couple named Isla and Larry.  I started gardening for them when I was 14, and they became my adopted grand-parents.  Both were delightful people:  Charming, interesting and interested in me, and very loving.

Isla caused me to travel and learn languages.  Larry had a bone-deep charm and courtliness.  I remember visiting him in the hospital when he was 95 and had broken his hip.  "Darling," he said. "Forgive for not rising!" He was utterly sincere.

I loved them both so much, and regret that my children never had the chance to know them.  I still miss them.

In comparaison, when I visited my father in the hospital with a broken hip (we were visiting Hawaii where he lived) the first thing he said to me when I walked in as a surprise with my 1 and 4 year old daughters, was "Get me out of this G-D’d chair!"  (Nice to see you, too, Dad!)

Write your father off- happily we can choose our friends, and build families by choice.

I, regrettably, ended up marrying a man who became a bad dad, and was a dreadful husband.  We have a number of really nice men in our lives- mostly the husbands of friends, so they can see that his behavior is not acceptable.

#2.  Join a church.  Do a bible-study group.  Volunteer with a religious-based group for the needy.  Find new friends there.

Constance in the Sierra Foothills

#1 You need to grow up.  You upset the lives of 3 of what should be your dearest people- your husband, and your two sons because you were bored with your marriage.  And you chose with a man who was bored with *his* marriage!  When you became pregnant with your third child, you stopped emailing Mr. Emotional Affair.  4 months after the birth of your daughter, you started a physical affair with Mr. Affair.  You left your husband and your three kids hanging- not to mention the other guy’s wife and possible family hanging, and now that your husband’s found a girl-friend you think maybe you should stick with your husband?

With all due respect, I hope your soon-to-be-ex husband is very happy in his new relationship.  And, having lived my adult life with the safety and security of my children coming before my personal satisfaction- since my then husband wasn’t a safe parent- I do hope that your husband wants the children and will take care of them first- before his own needs.  Because this does seem to be all about you.

#2

Say that your wonderful mother died of cancer some years ago, and she would have really liked the person in question, or they would have really liked her.  If the people in question give you awkward sympathy, say, we were really lucky to have her, and I’m so sorry you didn’t have the opportunity to know her!   If they ask you questions, tell loving stories about her wonderfulness.  If they don’t, change the subject and give them time to process their discomfort.

It’s my considered opinion that the average American no longer knows what to do when dealing with death.  It’s a pity.  Death is a part of life, and knowing what to do really helps.  

Constance in the Sierra Foothills who still tells very loving stories about her adoptive grandparents to her daughters.

#1.

Eek, yes. Learned behavior.  But if it doesn’t change with counselling, leave him.  Why should it be okay to publicly belittle you, but privately adore you?  Weird.  Your daughters shouldn’t learn that this is acceptable from the man who is supposed to be in your corner all the time.  Just like you’re supposed to support him in return.

#2  There are centers for the aging.  You and your siblings can get very good advice from gerentologists.  I’d recommend that the first step for you is to ask for help from one of them.  My 88 year old mother, now suffering from dementia, was a gerentologist.  At age 14, I knew more people over the age of 65, than I knew in my age group.    Go there first!  Lots of great information, good counselling, and tools.  Look for groups on Aging.  There are lots of them.

That being said, calendars are your friend.  Especially ones with huge squares.  I currently get mine from an office supply store because I’m poor, courtesy of my STBXH of 20 years.  (NEVER, EVER co-mingle funds!!!!!!!) Flylady at flylady.com has ones with huge squares, and really fun stickers.  Pretty pictures are not your friends, big squares are.  Plenty of room for daily activities, and details for each person in the family.  Use a different color pen for every family member, so that "red pen" or "blue pen" is consistent.

The stickers help, too, in terms of keeping track of what activity happens when.

However, dealing with elderly parents, be aware that you will still may have to point the prior dates to the parent in question once dementia has started.  My mother is 88.  She cannot remember from minute to minute what has happened. Regrettably, she has always assumed the worst-  now it is intensified.

It doesn’t matter how often she is visited.  She is *certain* that not one of her children has visited her for years.

It’s really, truly hard.   She doesn’t believe the calendar- it just limits her complaints while it is being pointed out to her.

My bipolar soon-to-be-ex-husband left me with an almost 11 acre property with a house I couldn’t sell, courtesy of him, and a business that I started 20 years ago, but that he had killed, versus selling for gobs of money.  He went through all of our right-on-target retirement savings before moving in with his mommy and daddy 2 years ago.  He *just* turned 52 last week. 

I don’t expect that he’ll ever be able to live alone again.  It is courtesy of his parents that I finally started getting child support money this March after 2 years of his not working at all. I couldn’t have forced him.  They could.

So, I’ve been dealing with strenuous things like getting securities licenses and starting a new career.  Not to mention, keeping the giant property fire safe, learning to fix machines he’d ignored, without the owners manuals he took with him, etc.  All while struggling to feed the daughters, and support them.   I’ve had three years of going from being quite well off, to worrying desperately about how to fix a broken irrigation pipe and buy gas and food.

You want to do something strenuous?  Challenging?  I invite you here!  Pay the bills, be the mother! Keep up the chores!   

Constance

who thinks that the question is fine, if not very tactful.  Ditto the response.

Eek!

For #1:  the child owes you courtesy if you are *courteous*.  So much for previewing!

Letter #1:   Counseling is a very good choice.  Otherwise you are doomed.  Not the kid’s fault, not your fault:  The husband *does* have unrealistic expectations.  The mother of the child is very bitter, and is doing great harm to the child.  Eventually, it will harm her relationship with the child- but that is years in the future.

Be pleasant and civil to the child.  Don’t pretend to any relationship, as it will be rejected. Ask, in counseling, for your husband’s support for civil and pleasant interaction in return.  The child owes you common courtesy if you are courtesy.    The child may warm up- she may not.  Time will tell.   If, after counseling, the husband tells you that his deteriorating relationship with his child is your fault- I’d leave him.

#2-

I am a practicing Christian.  So are my daughters.  I encourage them to question their faith, as I think that God is big enough that they won’t be disappointed.  I also tell them that I think most religion has been organized by committee, so that if they have their own particular versions of God, all the better.   I can’t imagine being disappointed by them, whatever their final decision shall be.  If they’ve actively thought about things and made conscious decisions- who am I to question their choices?

Constance in the Sierra Foothills