<i>And regarding the WASP quotient in your life, tell your mother you have just the right amount.</i>

 "Mom, you’re all the WASP I need. Any more venom and I’d die of it."

Bravo to start in thinking ‘that’s between my mother and father’, in regards to affairs. It is, not a place the children should step into. And no, Stepmom doesn’t need that brought up to her, by anyone but Dad, should it become something discussed. Same deal there, you guys don’t need to involve yourself in those adult problems, as close to adults as you might be, you’re still the children of the relationships here.

 When it comes to being rude, consider: There’s lots of definitions of rudeness. And maybe she doesn’t think she’s being ‘rude’ as much as she is being constructively critical? Saying something such as, ‘Honey, I think those clothes are tasteless’ perhaps isn’t just to hurt your feelings, it’s trying to help you be seen better by the world, but in a not-so-tactful way. In that case, try to take it as trying to help, or suggest directly to the Stepmom that you appreciate her advice, but you don’t feel your clothes are tasteless and you like them very much. A gentle way to get the hint across that you see what she’s saying, but don’t agree. It’s never easy to step into that role and know how to say things to kids that aren’t yours. No manual, you know? If you aren’t doing things the way she did when she was your age, that makes it even more possible that it’s stunning to her, and she has NO experience in which to guide you in a ‘fitting’ fashion. Try to help her to see how you see it. And in that case, the two of you might have a better relationship if you work at the communication.

If that continues to not work, just let it be. Nothing says you have to take to heart the cutting remarks, and I’d cut down time at Dad’s telling him exactly why. BUT GENTLY, like, ‘Dad, I’d love to come over more, but Stepmom hurts my feelings, and I just don’t feel like I can. Let’s go out to dinner just you and I, instead?’ It may not be possible for your Dad to arrange things this way, but this is growing up. Choices you gotta make dealing with people who you don’t like, for the sake of someone you do love.

Actually there is possibly an athiest club in a college. Lots of nifty clubs spring up in colleges.

There really are Athiests, Alice.

Weee oh! Good luck with that one, Margo. ‘Gawd-Feerin” sounds so familiar, and in a way, laughing that off will be the only way to go in the end.

The FBI. Federals Bring Ya Back to Intelligence? LOL So sad.

 Dear Daughter of Gawd Feerin: You go girl.

Agreed, whole heartedly! Looking doesn’t equate to touching, not even in the slightest. And if that’s the case, I don’t want to hear another girl swoon over Brad Pitt, ever! ;)

There was once a day and age when it was considered the younger person’s responsibility to seek out the Elder. The elder would be sitting on a rock somewhere, maybe meditating, and the young one would sit at his knee, to hear his words of wisdom.

This mentality has flushed it’s way down our timeline into parents/grandparents waiting for calls from young people. No, you shouldn’t have to be the only one making the calls. But then again, if you respect the person and want that contact, you can just as easily pick up the phone.

Elders of our generation usually say, ‘I didn’t want to bother you, I know you’re busy’, or ‘I figured if you wanted to talk to me, you’d call’ and that kind of thing. It’s really not so hard to understand when you view it through the prism of your life, and your kids later.Will you always know their schedule? Will you be calling during bathtime for the grandkids? When’s dinner or soccer practice? It’s rather hard for the Elders to keep up with all that, and in their fashion, they’re being considerate of that, more than likely. Hence calling on Holidays. That’s -usually- safe.

But one last thought: Mom’s snide commentary of ‘You FINALLY called?’ Blow it off with a simple, cheerful ‘Well, I was giving you time to call me, Mom. At least we’re talking now!" My father does it all the time, and he always gets the same response.;)

Agreed! Men are visual. Women read romances (or watch ‘Tear Jerkers’). Doesn’t make you a psychotic serial killer ready to hatch, nor does it make you a cheater/abuser waiting to happen.

It gets so old watching women freak out on this…I’ve only ever known -one- man out of the thousands I’ve ever known that I would -worry- about his sexual addiction to this stuff. The rest were just flipping through the magazine to see the ads, so to speak.

"You might try another note that says "No one is home until noon. We work the night shift."

That’s simply NOT safe or wise advice to take. It can invite thieves and house invaders. A simple ‘No Soliciting’ sign should suffice for that.

 Additionally: Tell a Jehovah’s Witness questing for your soul that you know all about the glories of their faith, though were sadly excommunicated from their church, for a multitude of reasons. They will never return, guaranteed.

Amen. It’s not her responsibility to care for the person who her father was living with, and the friend, while she has guilt, could easily offer to be the assister if the issue concerns her so.

"I meant when I said she should flip the script and "fix a list in your mind of how your man could improve his ways and
means in order for your life to be pleasant and acceptable with him.""

 That is the comment where you suggest someone should change themselves for someone else. If the man changes it has to be HIS idea. His reasons. Not her ‘list’. Or his…considering this letter we’re speaking about is about a man with such a ‘list’.

 The idea of expectations as to the ‘benefits’ of a mate is the sin of marriage that usually gets marriages in trouble. Usually the first idea women have, for example,  is if they put a ring on the finger it makes the man loyal. If he wasn’t loyal to start with, he won’t be because of a piece of metal. Or say, he will be supportive. If he wasn’t when you just knew each other, being married won’t magically make him be. Men have this same concept, such as a woman will take care of the cleaning of the home and the rearing of the children, and he’s sinning in the same regard. Having such expectations starting out in a marriage is the wrong thing to do. One needs to have an agreement, not a list. If you really have to have a man that climbs the corporate ladder, or a woman who will move with you, you should understand whether those things were even viable in this person, your mate, before you even get into the messy business of life-blending. The person can agree that’s a good goal to work on or not, but it’s not anything that should be held to a ‘A husband does X’ sort of expectation on the part of the mate. No ‘list’ of ideals will make up for the reality. And if you can’t handle the reality, you’re doing the wrong thing by being together.

Let’s turn this to the side, and say, instead we’re not talking about marriage but how I raise my child. I tell my child they can never wear anything but red clothing, because it looks the best on them. That’s an IDEAL. That’s my opinion. It’s not about reality, nor is it about what is -really- best. It’s simply my expectation placed on my child, which might very well be good and true, but isn’t about what’s best for my child. Because my child has to see that thing for herself, red is really her best color, but wearing a little white now and then doesn’t demean her. You’re talking about people making expectations on the same emotional basis, but then again, saying it’s got to be more martially business-like.

I say deal with the idea of the emotions involved, just don’t be stupid about them. Reality has to be applied, not ideals.

I disagree with your idea of flipping the scale, and doing the same in return with this listing. It sets up an expectation and a precident that likely your partner can’t live up to. They need to be realistic, not expectative.

Marriage comprises a great deal of circumstances, and romance is actually one of them. All of the factors you mentioned plus emotions! You don’t need qualifications to apply, you need an understanding of what and who the person really is. You basically said that, but put it down to cold equasions. Of which it is not, either. We’re not having a business partnership, we’re blending lives, and that takes much more commitment than even trying to make cash.

And expecting your partner to change for you? Laughable. A person should never change for another. You change for yourself, and that brings grace and beauty to your relationships in all realms. It might also make you realise the change you’ve made makes you inaccessable to the person you were with, and that very well might be a good thing.

You can have a partner who isn’t perfect, and make it work. You just have to know what you’re getting into, and be prepared for that.

My opinion is that they can, depending on the reasons they are doing it. The mentality of the abuser plays heavily into this ability to be reformed. If the abuser refuses to see the anger and aggression that they’re putting out, there’s not much ‘reform’ to be had. You can only help someone who WANTS help. Losing your temper and mishandling a fight is different than thinking the person before you deserves what you’re putting out because they’re lacking somehow. If you have the second mentality, you aren’t going to get much out of counseling. I really don’t think those kind of people can be reformed in that case, because they really want to dominate and it’s not about having empathy with the person you beat. The first mentality means you didn’t mean it, but you just ‘got so mad’, have horrible coping skills and strategies, and that you have room for growth. Again, it only works if you don’t allow yourself to think that ‘got so mad’ is okay. It really does matter if you want that help.

This situation between these two famous kids, could easily be construed as young people with poor coping skills who really do need some education. If that’s really the case, I hope the best for the both of them at trying to change what they thought they knew about relationships. It won’t work at all if they don’t learn from it, and it will be abuse again.All that being said…

Considering how badly he beat her (this was not a simple SLAP), I don’t think this is the ‘first time’. I think this is just the first time he got caught at it. Her song, ‘Umbrella’ worries me, because I think from the context of that song she’s been down this road and is willfully thinking that it’s a ‘stick to the end no matter what’ situation. ‘Disturbia’ is another factor, as to what she knows is warped but she still can’t quite shake loose. One loss of temper, no matter the result of that loss, is not cause for damnation, in youth. (Or even a new relationship.) However, the depth of the abuse here counts, and it doesn’t look like it was the first time for either one of them. I don’t see a lot coming from him that sounds like he knows he messed up and is actually taking the steps to fix it. His apology (and subsequent jet skiing on vacation instead of caring for the person he hurt) rang hollow, and rattled off from rote. This is just what the public sees, mind you, but it certainly doesn’t say, ‘I was wrong’, more like, ‘I got caught, now I’m sorry.’ I don’t see this as a situation that will end well, for either of them.

While I agree with most every thing you said, the one part I question is, ‘Whomever threw the first punch should be arrested, period’.

 Does that include throwing dishes, smashing your favorite things, setting your clothes on fire, breaking your jewelry or smashing your car windows? Because that’s typically the way women -start- being abusive to a man. The physical level is much further down the line.

But Men should not have to take being slapped in the face, hit in the head with a frying pan, or whatever else, and just ‘run away’. Their egos alone would be damaged by such a thing, and that’s the same reason many women don’t leave their abusive relationships, the whole concept ‘run away’ sounds cowardly. Men are less likely to do that than women. What they should be told is ‘take control’ of the situation. If that means stepping out of the house, moving your things, leaving this person to do the crap they do alone, then do that. You’re absolutely right, no one should lay hands on anyone else. It’s just as unfair for a woman to slap a man as it is for a man to slap a woman.

In this situation though, I don’t like the idea of saying, ‘we don’t know what happened up there, don’t cast judgement’. We do know that she was pounded to almost unrecognizable, and he seemed pretty clean of frying pan marks. No matter -who- started it, that was completely uncalled for.

Amen to that too. She may have ‘started’ the fight by doing something that upset him or was even ‘abusive’ to him, but that boy beat the tarnation out of her. We’re not talking about a ‘lover’s spat’, we’re talking about whupping her and making her face so swollen and mangled she didn’t look like herself.  That’s way beyond ‘which way the toilet paper roll goes’. It’s inflaming that women often tend to try to negate the domestic abuse portion if the woman fights. (More disgusting if the woman was finally fighting back for her life, but I doubt this is what this is…considering her return to him.) It’s still domestic abuse if she’s abusive too, and they both need help. But him first, because she’s still got healing to get through, thanks to him.

I think that it is fair enough for an officer to arrest both parties if there are injuries. No one should be laying hands on one another. The main reason this started is because there are men who get placed in the position of dealing with a woman who is irate and abusive. Sometimes it takes an outside party to hear the facts to decide who really is the abusive person. Most tell men they can leave the situation, but that also doesn’t mean men don’t get abused either. One husband gleefully was telling an AM talk show host that he was ‘a jerk’ and ‘deserved it’ when his wife balled up and hit him during arguments. He didn’t seem to understand he was being abused, just as much as a woman who lets her man slap her in the face. I wouldn’t discourage the women from standing up for themselves, but maybe a better way to put it is, ‘If you’re not there to be hit, there’s no question.’