I think we’re talking about autonomous adults here, and the LW is the one who has been diagnosed with an illness.  Why would you encourage this kind of codependent reaction?  It’s like telling my best friend she should start snooping her husband since mine cheated on me.

Regarding LW2, the mother is basically asking how to continue to disrespect and make judgments against her daughter without offending her.  The only answer is to quit judging and give some respect.  Perhaps at 40 the daughter still hasn’t earned her respect, but the answer is not to continue relating to an adult as a child.  Have some boundaries. 

When you genuinely respect someone, you don’t find yourself questioning their choices, or when their actions confuse you, you assume that they must have good reason.  Then when you ask something like, "How come you went down this street" it is obvious to the listener that you are merely curious, and not judging them. 

First though, you have to actually establish that you respect the person.  If you have trouble treating someone with respect, imagine they are a police officer.  Would you ask a police officer the same thing or in the same tone?  It’s not about walking on egg shells, it is about the way you choose to think about the person. 

Why do you need to know what her reasons for driving down a different street are?  Even if you know a better route, unless you’re driving an ambulance to the hospital, such nitpicky details are hardly important.  The fact that you focus on at all them may be the problem in and of itself.

I don’t know about your response to LW1 Margo, it could be that the diagnosed bulimic in this relationship is projecting his own problems onto his partner, or it could be that he is actually creating the partner’s problem by focusing so much on his eating habits.  I knew a diagnosed (but supposedly recovering) anorexic once who hovered and policed their perfectly healthy relative’s eating habits "to prevent them from becoming anorexic too" so much that I actually worried for one relative’s sanity.  Whether the partner in question has a disorder or not, I would definitely question this person’s part in enabling or creating the current situation.   

This commentary is just as misguided as filanderers are.  The problem is not that we’re just too prudish to recognize that fidelity is an outdated concept, it’s that people who don’t want to be monogamous are making promises and betraying people who do.  Monogamy might be an outdated practice, but it is plainly wrong to make promises, break promises and lie.  Whether it is about sex, money, work, or anything else, promising something to an intimate partner and then betraying that promise is hurtful and wrong.

I do think that our society has contributed to this deceptive behavior by glorifying monogamy and shaming promiscuity in conflict with natural urges.  Many cheaters get a special thrill out of hurting the people they made promises to because of this taboo, and feel obligated to be deceptive rather than open about their promiscuity.  People should be encouraged to be as promiscuous as they want but to be so openly and honestly, not using marriage as a way to trap innocent people into a situation they would not consent to. 

No matter how common infidelity is though, it is nothing less than devastating to those who have been betrayed.  Perhaps the marital affairs appearing in the media are not disclosing the existence of open marriages, and there would be nothing wrong with two people agreeing not to be exclusive, but make no mistake, there are many people out there who are making committments to be monogamous to people who want and take that committment seriously, and betrayal to them is absolutely, positively devastating (and wrong!) 

Wow, lw2 specifically says she is tired of the complaints of women who were LEFT by the fathers of their 5 children, as though that is somehow within a woman’s power to prevent or predict.  Who in their right mind would have 5 children with a man she didn’t think would stick around?  Who is this mysterious woman Margo says is in control of that event?  I have exactly 5 children, from a marriage I worked hard to nurture, and found out after 11 years of marriage that my husband had been unfaithful multiple times all along.  Guess who is raising our five children on her own on $60 a month child support now?  I have poured my heart and soul, blood sweat and tears into the care of my children.  How would a sex ed program have ever prepared me for more responsibility than that?  Margo, you and lw2 both really took a stab in the dark with those comments, and jabbed people whose lives you have no clue about.

Instead of either wringing their hands or waiting to clean up this woman’s mess like accomplices, LW 1 could express disapproval of their daughter’s actions and refuse to support them.  What she and the married man have done is wrong.  Don’t support that, for goodness sake.

Read my words again.  I didn’t say that he should be retried and convicted or sentenced to some kind of punishment.  I simply said that I wished someone would speak to the feelings of those he may have victimized.  And by "someone" I mean someone public like Margo, whose words might actually reach those people and give them comfort.  Would it really kill anybody for someone to say, "If you were victimized by this man, our hearts go out to you during this time, which must be very difficult while he receives so much adoration and praise."  It sure as hell wouldn’t hurt HIM any for those people to be acknowledged and supported.

Nope, and I have no proof of the inappropriate touching I suffered as a child either.

I wish someone would speak to the feelings of the people that may have been victimized by this monster in the wake of all the celebration of his life.  I cannot imagine how painful it must be to have your molester receive such an outpouring of love and attention while your pain goes unacknowledged.

What a clever idea!  I like it.

Why does LW #1 have to have done something wrong?  She doesn’t have to be a perfect match for fifty or even two dates, just one.  The right one.  Perhaps she hasn’t met him yet!  This whole concept that daters should behave other than themselves in order to trap someone into liking their false personality leads to the kinds of divorce-leaning letters you have to answer later on.  You should be telling advice seekers that if you really want to find lasting compatibility, be 100% who you are while dating.  That doesn’t mean any of us doesn’t need to change or grow (for ourselves), but to initiate a change in order to "land" someone who doesn’t like you as you are is like burying a land mine in your own back yard.

I don’t see anything loving about tying yourself to someone whose needs you are aware of and are unwilling to fulfill.  If you want a sexless love life, find a partner who wants the same thing and I will cheer you on.  Yes, love should be celebrated in all forms whether it is sexless or not, but to be real love it must be mutual, not "he wants hot sex. I turned tepid long, long ago …"

I appreciate your reasoned response Ms. Dee!  Still, I wish you would have said "some people."  Either way, you and I can agree that the kinds of struggles Margo’s letter writers are trying to endure are not worth it.  That’s not a symptom of living with men though, it is a symptom of living with someone you shouldn’t be with in the first place. 

Healthy coupledom is built upon compatibility, but our society has built up this expectation that struggling with a significant other is normal.  It’s not.  Dear Abby had some terrific words about that this week.  So many of these advice seekers want to know how to keep a disaster together when that shouldn’t even be the goal.  They really should discard the desperation and give peace a chance, whether single or with the right person.

Inconsiderate people are unpleasant in every shape, size and gender.  I guess it’s good that you’re at peace with being alone, because I don’t know any self respecting individuals — male or female — that find such bitterness and generalization attractive.

Why should someone else’s definition of who I am take precidence over my own?  None of us lives in a vacuum.  Some eat a certain diet to achieve desired results, some exercise, some take vitamins, some take drugs, some have surgeries (necessary, unnecessary and that gray area in between where "quality of life" can only be determined by the person living it).  Who are you to declare what makes me ME?